Numb

by Arissa Alexston

  Life seemed like it would always be this way for me. I could never have normal things men with straight-edge lives had. I loved spending time with Nadia when I could. She made me feel vibrant; she was entrancing with her eclectic soul and benevolence. I could feel she cared about me as a person, and she didn't try and take from me as so many do. I wanted to be upfront with her, about my leaving in a few days and about what I had to do back on Tybee. I wanted her input as if she'd be an infrastructure in my world to help me sway the positive way. I appreciated her, and I wanted to show her that in some way.

  I stood up and decided to start prepping dinner. She'd had breakfast waiting on me a few times, and it would be nice if I returned the favor. Plus, I wanted to do one nice things for her before I left because, even though we'd just met, I felt like I'd known her for a while. She'd stuck with me in a moment where I would've fallen off my sobriety. One thing became terribly clear: I needed someone like her in my life, permanently. Even though it may not be her, I hoped to find someone equally as great.

  ****

  I finished straightening my fork placement when the front door opened and Nadia's soft footfalls entered the hallway. I hated that I couldn't set up the back patio for the occasion. The renovated porch by candlelight would be ideal, but the cooler temps rolling in later thwarted those plans. Nadia came home earlier than I expected, but I naturally she was curious about what I had been up to. I spent most of my day texting her questions like if she had any food allergies, if there was a certain wine she didn't like, and then I was sure I gave myself away by asking if she would be coming straight home after classes.

  The dinner table seemed a bit over the top with mildly scented candles, a short rose bouquet centerpiece, and the most expensive wine I could find since she had no preference. The good thing about owning a bar was I knew the top name beverages to match any occasion. My glass stood full of grape juice, but I didn't worry about Nadia judging me because I elected to not drink. I made strides with my sobriety. Wine hadn't ever been a trigger for me, but I didn't want my addiction to latch onto anything. My gut twisted in nervousness at all the romantic gestures I had laid out. I wasn't good at wooing a woman, but I'd seen enough movies to know the small things counted more than anything.

  I hope she realized my effort to please her had constructed my whole day. I'd spent and splurged on the organic shit from the store, and I'd thrown myself into cleaning the grill for an hour so I could smoke the chicken legs. I'd followed Aunt Celeste's recipe for potato salad out of her book, and since I sucked at desserts, I'd bought cupcakes from the leading bakery in Macon. Also, I'd taken a shower, put effort into my appearance, and felt ready to give her the best of me, or the rather the best I could muster up since there wasn't much to grasp within myself.

  Nadia stepped in the kitchen and froze with her mouth open as her gaze scanned over the table and its contents. She turned and gave me a wide smile that lit up her whole face. I didn't miss the heat in her eyes as her gaze roamed over me, clearly checking me out. My heart felt lifted by her admiration, and I was pleased to be the one who caused the happiness bursting out of her. It seemed like the first time someone appreciated the effort I put into doing something good.

  "For me?"

  I chuckled. "Who else?" I pulled out the chair. "Here, sit. I'll be right back."

  She dropped her small bag on the counter and promptly sat in the offered chair. I went outside and quickly pulled the chicken off the grill before joining her. She began sipping the wine as she distributed potato salad onto our plates. "What brought all this on?"

  "I'll be leaving to go back to Tybee soon, and wanted to do something private with you before I left. A thank you, for being there."

  Her smile faltered, but she quickly recovered and nodded and accepted the offered piece of chicken I held out to her. "Thank you, it looks delicious." She lowered her plate and forked up the potato salad, but spoke before taking a bite. "When are you leaving?"

  For some reason, I couldn't look at her when I answered, so I looked at my grape juice. "I think as soon as Aunt Celeste gets back. She'd be mad if I left without a proper goodbye."

  She took the bite, but quickly spoke before we fell into a long silence between us. "So, have you figured out what you're going to do when you get back?"

  I stabbed my chicken with my fork. "I think so. I mean, I know where to start."

  "And where is that?"

  I leaned back, watching her genuine interest in my life and caring where I went from Macon. "The condo; I need to move out. Once I'm out of that space, I think I will be able to have a clearer head about the bar." The truth had been that I wanted her to be a part of my future, but I was a realist and I knew our lives were on different paths. One of us would have to uproot, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stress over the pressure. Granted, I didn't need to babysit the bar, but for some reason Tybee held me tied down. I regarded Nadia, too focused on the food and what I said to notice me watching her. Maybe I was scared of where this could go between us. I spent so long thinking I didn't deserve love or anything remotely close to it that I'd banished my heart and avoided opportunities that presented themselves. "I just wish all the answers were clear."

  She reached for her wine and sipped before commenting, "Maybe they are. Perhaps you're thinking too hard."

  That's for damn sure. "Either way, the bar is my curse. It's hard not to have a hand in its operations and to fully give it over to someone. That goes for both selling and letting a full-time manager run it. I don't know anything else though. It's a part of me. As weird and twisted as it may be, it's the only good thing I have. I'm the one who tarnished it with my drug use, like everything else in life."

  She sat her fork down and looked at me seriously. "Why do you keep downing yourself?"

  "When you come from a no good family and are told you're a piece of shit, eventually you believe it and act accordingly."

  "I happen to think you're great. An asshole, but a great asshole."

  "And that's why I like you." She laughed at my wink.

  We spent the next thirty minutes talking about music, movies, and her history major in college. I was interested in learning she planned to work for a National Museum of African American History and Culture one day. It seemed too far off from what I envisioned for her, but it fit her since she was entranced with the 1960s, which was a powerful time of movement for African Americans. The museum was located in Washington, DC but that further implicated how our little fling was transitory. To lighten the mood, I told her about Tybee, my brothers, and Aunt Celeste stories she found wholly amusing. Anytime I seemed to veer off about moving or the bar, we would skillfully change the subject to something upbeat to help take our minds off the saddening conversations that would damper our time.

  After dessert, I went to use the bathroom and came back to the kitchen to find her washing plates in the sink. I eased up behind her and wrapped my arms around her middle and pulled her back against me. I wanted to hold her like this for a while, feeling her breathe and memorizing her unique scent. In another world, she would be the woman I wanted to keep for myself, probably plan to marry, have kids with, but I knew the best thing—even if I didn't want to—would be to let her go.

  She turned in my arms, wrapping her own around me. "I think Ms. Celeste would be okay if the dishes stayed in the sink for a little while." She smiled up at me.

  I raised an eyebrow. "Wasn't it you who polices the sink at night anyway?"

  She laughed. "Then I give us a pass for tonight."

  I took her mouth, capturing her soft lips, which tasted like butter and sweet wine. It deepened as I expected. She yielded to my needy tongue, allowing herself to open for me. I picked her up, sitting her on the counter. Nadia's cute yellow dress and heels made her look like a living daffodil.

  I pushed her dress up to expose her full thighs and spread them wide enough for me to step into. She ran her exploratory fingers through my hair, causing shivers to travel d
own my back as I ground my pelvis against the lower cabinet. Goosebumps peppered my flesh as I knew I was close to being inside her; she seemed to gain a bit more confidence and kiss me dominantly.

  I pulled her to the edge of the countertop, causing a little yelp to escape her throat, which was immediately followed by a small giggle. If Aunt Celeste knew we were about to fuck on her kitchen counter, she'd make us clean this whole kitchen with bleach and prayer to purify the room. Nadia leaned back, and it gave me all the space I needed to reach for the box of condoms in the bag nearby.

  She became still and watchful as I ripped open the package and freed my straining cock from my pasts. I ripped the foil with my teeth and rolled a rubber over my skin. Her gaze fixated on my cock, but I broke her attention when I roughly pulled her pelvis toward me. God, everything I'd been fantasizing about lately was about to come true. My chest grew tight as I held my breath for longer periods. I moved her damp panties to the side as I positioned the head of my dick at her warm and welcoming center. As the crown of my dick touched her entrance, Nadia froze and braced her hands against my shoulders, causing me to stop.

  Sheepishly, and a bit out of breath, she mumbled, "I haven't had sex before."

  Fuck! As if burned by her words, I pulled away from her and braced both hands on the edge of the kitchen island behind me. I stood there, fully erect in front of her, but unsure whether to touch her past this point. I wanted to, desperately, but she kept tossing out shit that fucked with my head. Nadia closed her legs, her knees giving a loud snap as they clamped together. She rubbed the back of her neck; the hurtful look in her eyes drowning the nervousness spiraling between us. I was rock hard, and that admission flicked something primal in me. I became wild with desire to have her, but she was innocent and I didn't need to act like an unworthy man claiming her virginity.

  She crossed her arms. "I want you—"

  "Don't, don't you dare say it." My words were harsh even to my own ears.

  She looked down at my hard-on in confusion. "You don't want to?"

  I snorted. "Fuck yeah, I do, but I'm not going to take your virginity."

  My words caused her to frown while she searched my face for an explanation I wasn't providing. Being with a recovering and emotional addict would already wreck a woman like her. No wonder why the dark part of me leeched onto her. There was something wickedly tantalizing in taking someone's virtue and innocence. It had been done to me, and I knew that, in a sense, it would come around full circle. I would wilt the bright person she was. I couldn't bring myself to do that to Nadia.

  I couldn't bring myself to be Ray.

  "Then why, Gable? I chose you the minute I saw you. I want it to be you." She reached a hand out in the small space between us and touched my chest. I groaned at the beseeching scrape of her fingernails against my shirt and pectoral. Her touch conveyed so many raw, unchecked emotions that they penetrated my skin and dove straight into my heart, mingling and twirling with my own upturned feelings.

  I couldn't, not with her. She deserved someone pure of heart and unsoiled, someone who wasn't fucked up and could show her what being romanticized and cherished truly felt like. She needed to find someone who could softly usher her fully into womanhood. I was not that man, nor would I ever feel like I should be equated to that when it came to possessing something so precious. Not with all the sourness bubbling in me from the years of poison and torment.

  I sighed and lowered my head. I felt so damn shitty for taking us to this point. If I had known, I would've never let it get this far. "Fuck, if you only knew how hard this is for me."

  "What, rejecting me?" she muttered bitterly.

  I hated she took my words that way when I know how it hurt her to feel pushed away. "No, but I do have fucking morals, and I can't do this with you. I'm not the guy for you on this." I twisted away, jerked the condom off my rigid cock and made my way toward the basement door. I slammed the heavy door behind me, hoping I gave the clear signal to not be disturbed. Tomorrow. I would have to leave tomorrow after I picked up Aunt Celeste. I couldn't stay another minute in the house and not feel haunted by Nadia's presence. Even as I lay back on the bed and willed my dick to calm down and my thoughts to chill, I thought of how I left Nadia on the counter rejected and alone. If she didn't hate me, she would now. She'd opened up to me like a lotus flower, and this time I'd walked away, leaving her exposed and vulnerable.

  Chapter Eight

  Her lips press against mine, and it took a moment to realize it wasn't a dream. In the haze of my awakening, I felt Nadia slide atop of me in the darkness. Even encased in shadow, I had no doubt that she was determined to continue what we'd started in the kitchen. My will wasn't as strong as before, and with little thought, I moved my palms up her ass and back before I realized, with an erotic thrill, she wasn't wearing any clothes. Her skin felt feverishly hot, and I shuddered with the mix of heat and the static cold of the basement. Her thick thighs rested on each side of my pelvis. Involuntarily, my hips jerked up, finding a comfortable position where my cock sat close to her bare pussy. I groaned, the male beast within me wanting to dominate, to fuck and claim.

  I needed her to see reason in why I wasn't the right man for her. "Nadia—"

  She impressively found my mouth in the dark and placed a finger against my lips. "Shh, just listen to what I have to say." She kissed my shoulder before continuing, "I want all of you…the fractured and the fixed." Nadia softly kissed my chest right over my heart. "Everything you have to offer, Gable. If you want me, realize your worth and take me, because I don't want to go another minute not being with you." Warring within myself mentally, my body had other ideas as my cock hardened under her writhing hips.

  Realize your worth…

  Nadia tried to compile a lesson for me: if I took her, it's because I believed I was worthy enough to have her. I'd also have to except the fact that she'd be giving me something monumental. Her virginity wasn't something I took lightly. Hell, due to what happened to me as a kid, I could never do that to another individual without some serious thought. People always took from me, raping me in any way they could to achieve a higher elevation whether by drugs or money. No one had ever given me anything; certainly something of this personal magnitude with no strings attached other than me believing I was valuable enough to have it. Of course, it would be foolish to believe there weren't strings with anything we did. In fact, they had tangled us up since the beginning.

  I ached for her, every nerve in my body set on fire, and she had no clue how her simple touches sparked life inside me. Swallowing hard, I thought of all the things I'd been deprived of in my life. My dark, warped past had left festering wounds, and I denied myself anything tangible I could soil. I'd kept my nose buried in blow and my mind hazed from focusing on the shit I truly missed in life… love. That had been the broken shit Ray constructed in me when he manipulated my mind and body. All my life, I felt I lacked the ability to care about someone unconditionally. However, even in its fully undeveloped form, affection had been there between us, and it could easily shape into trust, which would develop into unconditional love. I knew I could find all those great things with Nadia, and that's what had scared me so much in the beginning. She had already won me over at first sight, and I would fall fast and hard for her if I let this ride out.

  I wanted her, but was I worth it? For fuck sake, I wanted to be. She saw something in me I didn't, and I hoped that soon it would trigger some type of high frequency epiphany. I could finally believe after years of therapy something finally worked. The messages that three doctors tried to convey through my thick skull were finally received. I definitely wanted my "fractured" fixed, and offering that to her seemed substandard and pitiful. But it was all I had because that's what I believed made up who I had been for years.

  But it wasn't, I was starting to see that now. The man she brought out in me had been the man suppressed by my own misgivings.

  Nadia shifted toward the edge of the bed. She probably took my pro
longed silence as an unspoken rejection. On the contrary, I accepted her, and hell for the first time, I was accepting me. I started to believe I could be better not for someone else, but for myself. The barricade around my heart shifted, shattering with each soft, nervous breath she exhaled in the darkness.

  "Wait." I held her in place before sliding around to cup her breasts. She jerked as I brushed a nipple roughly. "You have no fucking idea how bad I want you." I wasn't going to cause her to second guess her choice for coming down here in the darkness and making her desires known. She'd chosen me, and no matter how I felt about myself, a primal animalistic part of me accepted the masculine role of giving her everything she desired, no matter my own reserves. A woman's pleasure would always triumph my own, especially a woman I cared for. No reservations or hesitation flickered into my mind as her warm skin caressed against my tongue when I took a nipple into my mouth. She moaned and arched her back, her wet mound grazed against my pelvis.

  I flipped her over, remembering she wasn't experienced in sex and I needed to steer this ride in the right direction. Her warm breath tickled against my chin as I leaned down for a kiss. Nadia's full lips were exploratory and after she gained a little confidence. I dominantly slid my tongue against her own. Nudging her knees apart with one of my own, I planned to keep her occupied with my hungry mouth and roaming hands so she wouldn't tense as I positioned myself between her thighs. She gripped my back, pressing me against her as if I wasn't close enough.

  "Here," she said breathlessly as she patted the bed around our heads. The soft crinkle of a wrapper echoed as she retrieved what I suspected was a condom. I found her hand and took the rubber, and with a few wordless moments, I put it on and lowered myself back down. She seemed anxious again, and I spent the next few minutes kissing her in a maddening manner to distract her away from when I was ready to enter her tight core. After a few minutes, she relaxed again but gasped as I penetrated the opening of her virginal walls.