Three to Get Lei'd

by Jill Marie Landis

  “Lillians!” Em yelled. “Listen up.”

  One by one they finally settled down.

  Em said, “Not only are we here to see you all, but we are on a mission. We’re trying to find Kiki. She is up here in Kokee somewhere, and it’s imperative that we find her.”

  “Kiki?” The real Lillian wiped her eyes. “Why, she spent the night with us last night.”

  “Really?” Em looked around. “Is she still here?”

  “No, she had to go. Said she had to keep moving.”

  “Did she tell you why?” Suzi asked.

  “She said there was a bounty on her head. She was never going to let them bring her in.”

  “A bounty on her head?” Precious laughed.

  “The legend grows,” Trish said.

  “You have no idea where she went?” Em had hoped this was going to be easier.

  Lillian said, “No, she left just after dawn. We gave her a little water, some food, enough for a day or two if she’s careful. She didn’t want it to weigh her down. And we gave her a bottle of vodka. We brought plenty of booze with us, of course.”

  “Great,” Em mumbled. “Now what?”

  Trish suggested, “Let’s leave Big Estelle and her bunch here to party, and the three of us can take the truck up the road. Tell them we’re going where we need four wheel drive.”

  “Good idea. Besides, from the looks of the road past this point I don’t think that’s a lie,” Suzi said.

  Em explained the plan to the others, and then she and Trish and Suzi drove as far up the road as they thought Kiki could walk in a few hours, which wasn’t far. They’d driven about twenty minutes when they passed two large pickup trucks full of empty cages.

  “Uh, oh.” Suzi said.

  “What?” Em stared at the trucks. “What in the heck belongs in those?”

  “Hunting dogs,” Trish said. “The hunters let them out to track down wild boar.”

  “Pig hunters,” Suzi said.

  Just then two hunters came out of the woods carrying rifles. Leather sheaths with long knives hung from their belts. One of them came to talk to Em when she waved them over.

  Em stared at the huge man standing next to the door of her truck. “Have you seen a woman up here? She’s in her sixties.”

  “Why you wanna know?”

  “We’re her friends. She’s in trouble, and we came to help her.” Trish, riding in the small back seat of the truck cab, leaned over the window ledge.

  The other hunter joined the first. “You talkin’ about Auntie Kiki?”

  “You know her?” Suzi sounded amazed.

  “Sure. Saw her a couple days ago. Told her she should be wearing day-glow orange. We’d hate to shoot her accidently.”

  “Orange isn’t really one of Kiki’s colors,” Trish said.

  “You haven’t seen her today, have you?” Em hated to go back down the mountain and tell Roland that she hadn’t found Kiki. She had no idea it would be this difficult to find a sixty-seven-year-old woman who was on foot. Nor had she realized how immense the forest was. Kiki could be anywhere.

  “Thank you,” Em told the men. “If you see Kiki again, will you please tell her that her friends are looking for her and she needs to go home?”

  They nodded, but Em wasn’t sure Kiki would get the message. She headed back down the road, stopped by a couple more cabins before they returned to Camp Sloggett in defeat.

  “Please stay for dinner,” Lillian begged. “We’re eating early.”

  “I’d like to head back down the mountain before dark,” Em told her. “But I guess we can stay.”

  There was a pay phone in the communal dining hall. Em wondered if it was the last pay phone in existence. She picked up the receiver, and there was a dial tone so she dropped in some coins and dialed Roland. Across the room, the Lillians were dragging pot luck pans out of the kitchen and lining them up on long folding tables. The Holoholo Holidays van driver sat outside at a picnic table smoking cigarettes and watched the crazy haoles run around inside the hall.

  Big Estelle was in a corner with Suzi and Trish deciding which songs they would perform for the Lillians. Big Estelle always carried a box of hula CDs and a small boom box in the van. Her mother had parked the Gadabout at the front of the dining hall near the buffet table. She and Lars were signing autographs in between making goo-goo eyes at each other.

  Em had to look away.

  “We haven’t found her yet,” Em told Roland when he answered.

  “It’s getting late. Do you think you will?”

  “I hope so. We just spoke to some hunters who had seen Kiki. Lillian is up here, and we ran into her. In fact, there are thirty Lillians here at Camp Sloggett on a holoholo.”

  “Lillian is the one with pink hair who caught herself on fire? Isn’t one enough?”

  “Not since the “Trouble in Paradise” pilot premiered. Her fan club flew in from her hometown in Iowa after the big burn incident. They’ve morphed into clones of Lillian.”

  She thought about Kiki’s dilemma again. “Listen, Roland, can you give Kiki more time? We spoke to some cabin owners, and it turns out they aren’t very upset. We explained that she was a bit disoriented.”

  “A bit disoriented? If only. One of the owners did call in after talking to you and said she’s not going to press charges. I can’t guarantee the rest of the homeowners will feel that way, especially if Kiki keeps it up.”

  “It’s going to be dark soon.” Em looked out the window. There was a mist rolling in, covering the deep green shades of the forest in milk white. She didn’t relish driving down miles of winding road in the dark if the fog thickened.

  “Get out of there as soon as you can,” he said. “No one’s pressing charges right now. It’s my guess the cabin owners up there will talk to one another. They’ll all realize their mystery house crasher is a ‘disoriented’ senior, and with any luck they’ll try to help by bringing her in.”

  Em tried to imagine Kiki going for that. Not to mention how she’d react to someone calling her a disoriented senior.

  She told him goodbye and hung up. By now the Lillians were seated at long folding tables. Their plates were heaped with piles of pot luck dishes, most of them various forms of pasta smothered in red tomato-based sauces and oozing thick layers of cheese.

  Big Estelle, the real Lillian, Trish, and Suzi were lined up and already dancing hula at the open end of the hall. Precious took her first official job for the group seriously and was standing beside the boom box with her finger poised above the stop button.

  Em wasn’t hungry. She’d eaten more that morning that she had in days, but she did have to use the lua, so she headed out toward the bunk house across the meadow. On her way back out of the bunk house, she had just stepped off the porch headed for the dining hall when she heard a low hissing sound.

  Rattlesnake. She froze and heard it again, closer this time.

  “Psst. Psst. Em!”

  There are no snakes in Hawaii, she remembered. There are no talking snakes anywhere except in the Bible.

  Em looked around but didn’t see anything. Worst case scenario was that the Maidens had finally succeeded in driving her crazy.

  A hushed voice said, “Over here. Behind you.”

  Em looked over her shoulder and studied some low bushes at the edge of the forest. She glanced toward the communal building where the Lillians were cheering, and then she began to walk backwards until she could slip behind the bunk house. Once the building blocked her from view, she turned and sprinted across the grass to the bushes. Ducking behind a shrub she tried to locate Kiki.

  “Where are you?” she whispered back though there was no one close enough to hear.

  “I’m on your three o’clock!”

  Em turned that direction
and headed deeper into the trees and bushes. She picked her way along until she thought she spotted Kiki crouched behind a tree trunk. Kiki waved and stood up, then walked gingerly toward Em.

  Em hugged her. “We’ve been so worried about you. We’ve been looking all over.”

  “I left a note. Didn’t anyone figure it out?”

  “Pat did.”

  “I said don’t look for me. So, why are you looking?” Kiki sounded miffed.

  “Roland wanted me to take you back home before a cabin owner presses charges.”

  “For what?”

  “Breaking and entering, for one thing.”

  “Breaking and entering! All I did was use the lua, sleep on the sofas, and have a martini or two. Most of those people didn’t even lock the doors. What do they expect?”

  “You were uninvited, Kiki.”

  “They would seriously press charges against me?”

  Em shrugged. “Hopefully not now. We told them you were off your meds.”

  “What meds? Now I’m not just a murder suspect on the run, I’m a crazed fugitive?

  “We had to think fast.”

  Kiki smiled, looking almost pleased. “Who is we? Are all the girls searching for me?”

  “Most of the Maidens. Little Estelle and Lars, too.”

  “Who the heck is Lars?”

  “Her soul mate. They met on the iLoveCougars.com.”

  “Stop.” Kiki held up her hand. “Don’t tell me.”

  Em figured if they all had to suffer, so should Kiki.

  “Lars is twenty-three if he’s a day, and he’s straight out of some Viking DNA gene pool.” Em wanted to get going, so she motioned toward the camp hall. “You’ve got to come home with us, Kiki. Please. You’re just making your situation worse.”

  “No. I can’t. Not while there’s a chance I’ll end up in prison. Please don’t make me. I’m fine up here. Just give it a few more days.”

  “But Roland said . . .”

  “Roland. So that’s why you’re here. Did he send you?”

  “Yes. He wanted me to bring you back before any of the cabin owners got mad enough to press charges. You should be happy he called me first. Do the smart thing, Kiki. Come down off this mountain.”

  34

  Hiding in Plain Sight

  Exhausted, Kiki leaned against the tree trunk. She was cold and tired, and her feet and legs ached from three days of hiking around on uneven ground.

  The mist was lifting, but it would be back, passing like ghosts through the trees. She heard the shrill frenetic barking of a pack of hunting dogs hot on the trail of a kill in the distance. Em’s eyes widened at the sound, and then the younger woman gazed longingly toward the camp dining hall.

  “There’s only one way I’ll go back,” Kiki told her.

  “How?”

  “I need everyone to think I’m still up here. Everyone. Including the Maidens. If one of them knows, the whole island will know I’m home. You, I can trust.”

  “How do you suggest we pull that off?”

  Kiki had the feeling Em was such a do-goody-goody that she’d probably never agree to anything the least bit sneaky.

  “Does your uncle have a tarp in the truck?”

  Em frowned a minute. “I think there’s one folded up in the back of the cab. He uses it to keep things dry in the truck bed if it starts raining.”

  “The Lillians were having dinner.” Kiki glanced at the building. “Are they almost done?”

  “Not yet. The Maidens are dancing.”

  “Even better. Go back and get them to teach the Lillians another hula. A group lesson. That’ll keep them all occupied. It’s almost dusk now. When the light fades, I’ll sneak over to your truck, wrap up in the tarp, and hide in the truck bed.”

  “In plain sight.”

  “If you wait until dark to leave, no one will notice me. I’ll just be a lump. A shadow.”

  “A big lump. I wanted to drive down the mountain while it was still light.”

  “Don’t be such a chicken, Em. You can make it. I’ll ride covered up in the truck bed, and when we get back to the Goddess I’ll slip into in Kimo’s truck and hide there. You can tell him what’s up, and I’ll ride home with him when he’s done for the night. As far as everyone else is concerned, I’m still up here hiding out.”

  “I won’t lie to Roland.”

  “Not telling isn’t exactly lying.”

  “He’s going to ask if I found you. I’ll have to tell him.”

  “All right. You can tell Roland, but nobody else. Tell him that until he has a reason to arrest me, then he needs to leave me alone. I don’t want Tom Benton to know I’m back.”

  “What if you bounce out of the truck bed? The road out of here has more holes in it than Swiss cheese.”

  “Let me worry about that. Will you do it?”

  Em stared out into the thickening gloom.

  “This is against my better judgment, but okay, I will.”

  35

  Keeping Kiki Undercover

  Jumpy as a frog in a frying pan, Em went back to the dining hall where the Maidens were tuned up and dancing their toes off. Instead of insisting they pack up and take off, she let them cavort, even suggesting they teach the Lillians another easy hula.

  Em watched twilight deepen to darkness in the meadow.

  If anyone noticed she’d given up leaving before dark, no one reminded her. Lars disappeared and came back with dried twigs and fallen branches and piled them into the fire pit under a pavilion in the meadow.

  “Come on, everybody!” Little Estelle rolled the Gadabout out of the dining room and down the ramp outside. “Lars is about to light the campfire.”

  “Time for s’mores!” The real Lillian waved a huge bag of marshmallows in the air.

  Em prayed Kiki was wrapped up in the truck as the women all poured outside. She stopped Trish and Suzi on their way out.

  “I’m heading back to Haena,” she told them. “If you want to ride back with Big Estelle, that’s all right with me.”

  “I’ve got a photo shoot in the morning,” Trish said. “I’ll go with you.”

  “Me, too,” said Suzi. “I’ve got some property to show. Besides, I heard Big Estelle say the rest of them were thinking of spending the night. There are plenty of empty bunks.”

  The Lillians and the others were seated on log benches around the fire pit roasting marshmallows and singing “Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Em, Trish, and Suzi said their goodbyes, and Em made sure she was the first to get to the pickup.

  Sure enough, there was a mound beneath the tarp in the back. The truck was in a shadowy spot far enough from the fire that neither Trish nor Suzi noticed. As they climbed in and Em honked and waved goodbye to the others, a low cloud drifted into the meadow, shrouding them in mist.

  Em gripped the wheel as they left the grassy meadow behind and hit the dirt road. She leaned toward the windshield, straining to see. Visibility was down to three feet beyond the glow of the headlamps when she hit a pothole. If they hadn’t had their seat belts on, she and the other two would have hit their heads on the top of the cab.

  There was an audible thud behind them.

  “What was that?” Trish craned her neck to look out the small window behind her.

  “What?” Em pictured Kiki lying on the road behind them. “Probably hit a rock.”

  She fought to stay on the smoothest sections of the road, but it was nearly impossible. Kiki would be a mass of bruises, if she made it back.

  The left rear tire sank into another pothole and there was another thud from the truck bed. This time it was even louder.

  “There is goes again,” Trish said.

  “I heard it this time,” Suzi added. “Di
d you just hear a whimper?”

  Em turned on the radio, but there was only static. She pushed the CD button, and the music from one of Uncle Louie’s exotica collection CDs filled the cab. The classic 50’s music was filled with the sounds of a vibraphone, monkey calls, bird screeches, and what sounded like a woman in pain howling, “Ooo-ooo. Wa-ooo-ooo.”

  They hit a bump. A screech followed.

  “Amazing. That sounded really lifelike. They did a great job of re-mastering those old records.” Trish said.

  Em saw a pothole looming and hit the brake. Kiki rolled and thudded against the back of the truck bed. Em mentally cursed Tom Benton. Poor Kiki wouldn’t be in this situation if he hadn’t threatened her and sent her on the run with his quest to avenge Marilyn’s death.

  Suzi bounced along with a grip on the door handle. “Wow. I hope your uncle’s truck is going to be all right. Sounds like you might have a broken axle.”

  “I’m sure it’s all right.” Em wasn’t sure about anything, but at least she could tell by the thuds and the yelps that Kiki was still in the truck bed.

  Fifteen minutes seemed like forever, but they finally reached the paved road and started down the hill. They passed Kokee Lodge which was dark for the night, driving through a misty cloud that refused to lift. Em’s grip never loosened on the wheel as they snaked their way back down the mountain.

  At one point the fog was so thick Em nearly pulled over to wait it out.

  “Suzi, hang your head out of the window and tell me if I start to get too close to the edge of the road. I can’t see a thing,” Em said.

  “Good thing the canyon is on the other side of the truck going downhill.” Trish was clutching her camera in her lap. “If we go over the edge, it’s a long way down.”

  Em didn’t loosen her grip until they were safely back at sea level in Waimea and she had started the long haul around the island to the North Shore. Despite the monkey calls and odd whining siren sounds coming out of the CD player, Trish and Suzi soon fell sound asleep.

  As Em drove along she thought about the life she’d left behind in Orange County where trendy shops and restaurants lined the streets. Fantastic food could be had for a tenth of what it cost on Kauai. Upscale shopping centers and boutiques were the norm. Luxury cars filled every garage in her Newport Beach neighborhood. But she had quickly discovered after the divorce that her husband had gotten custody of their friends. As time passed and she no longer heard from any of them, Em realized it wasn’t such a great loss.