by Lisa Heaton
He didn’t stay long at the hub before going back up to the house. When he walked through the back door, he found her in the kitchen pouring coffee.
“I’ll take one of those,” he said.
“Sure.” She never turned to look at him.
“So I think maybe we need to talk.”
“Yeah,” she turned and said. “I’d say we do.”
She handed him his cup of coffee, the one she had gotten from their coffee shop in Brentwood. He blew on it before taking a sip.
Sophie set her cup on the counter and moved closer. “Well?”
He set his aside too. “I think I need a break.”
With a look of horror, she took a step back, and her eyes filled with tears. “From me?”
Josh grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her to him. “No, not from you – never from you.”
“What, then?”
“Just this whole baby-making craziness.” He let her go. “I want things to be like when we first married.” He paused. “At least what I thought it was before I knew you were timing it all. I miss being spontaneous. I don’t want a set schedule, like we have a client meeting. I miss you making love to me because you want me and not just so you’ll get pregnant.”
“That’s not true. You know I want you.”
“And I want you, but this just isn’t natural to me.”
He stood closer and brushed her cheek with his fingertips. “I just need a little break. That’s all.”
When he stepped around her to leave the kitchen, he said, “I’ll meet you in the truck if you still want to go.”
“Of course I want to go.”
The day was unnerving. She was quiet and seemed on the verge of tears most of the time. He felt guilty but not guilty enough to give in. When they returned to the office, he made it a point to work in his office and not interact much with her. A few times he looked out his office and at the staircase, wishing he hadn’t made such a big deal out of it all. The thought of throwing her over his shoulder and taking upstairs was sounding better and better all the time. He just kept working, though, since that same nagging feeling surfaced again.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sophie climbed in bed alone still fighting the urge to cry. Truth was, she couldn’t blame him for how he was feeling. Somewhere along the way she had really allowed it to become “baby-making craziness” just like he said.
It ran through her mind, what she had said just two days before. They were about to head out to lunch when she said maybe they could run upstairs, then grab a bite to eat before going to their next appointment, like it was some generic errand that they needed to add to the day. She really had allowed making love to her husband to come down to that.
When Josh came into the room and slid into bed, she expected him to roll over on his side away from her, something he hadn’t done in all their months of marriage.
Instead, he reached over, wrapped his arm around her rib cage, and pulled her close to him.
His voice was soft. “I need to hold you. Is that okay?”
“That’s always okay.”
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you today.”
“I’m so sorry I’ve allowed it to become what it has. I know exactly what you mean.”
“We’ll get back on track, babe.” He kissed her cheek. “You’re my entire world. You know that, right?”
“I do know that. And you’re mine.”
Sophie woke and reached to find an empty pillow next to her. A squinting peek at the clock read only two a. m. When Josh didn’t come back to bed in a few minutes, and she knew he wasn’t just gone to the bathroom, she threw the covers back and went to look for him.
Downstairs, she found him on The Cloud in front of a muted TV.
“What are you doing up?” She grabbed the fuzzy throw from the back of the sofa and snuggled in next to him.
“I wasn’t able to sleep.”
“At all?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry this has upset you so much. Things will be different. I promise.”
“I was watching you sleep, thinking about the last thing I said to you.” He turned in his seat to face her. “I meant that. You are my whole world.” With a long blink, he shook his head. “I’m not saying that’s healthy, but it’s true. I’ve been trying to figure out what has really been bothering me about all this. It’s not like I’m opposed to awesome sex with the woman I love. I knew it was something deeper, but I just couldn’t define it.”
Josh moved closer. “I figured it out watching you tonight.”
“What? Whatever it is, we’ll make it better.”
“Fact is, I’m selfish. I don’t want to let go of the way things are. Now, when we make love, I realize I might have to let this go.”
“Let what go?”
“Us, the fact that our worlds are so wrapped up in each other. I love our life together. I love growing our business and working around the house here together. I love that we can come and go as we please. I love our lives just the way they are.”
“What are you saying?”
“Soph, I don’t want a kid. I just want you to myself. I want to be able to be selfish. If we have a baby, I can’t be selfish. Our world will become diapers and feeding schedules then schools and little league. I don’t want that. A kid will totally hijack our way of life.”
Before she could speak, he held up his hand.
“Look, I know you worry about five years from now, but does it make sense to force me into something I don’t want now just in case I want it later?”
She blinked several times and shook her head.
“And what if I don’t want it later either? Can’t I just be selfish and keep you all to myself?”
Sophie swallowed hard, unsure of what to say.
“If this is for me,” he paused and looked away. “Or even for my parents…” He trailed off and then looked back at her, his eyes widening. “Is that why you wanted to get married sooner, just to get pregnant sooner?”
Sophie turned to look at the TV.
“It is, isn’t it?”
She looked back at him but not in the eye. “Yes.”
“Don’t get me wrong here. I was thrilled to marry sooner, but now it feels like you manipulated the situation because of what happened with my dad.” He sighed. “I don’t even know what to think about that.”
“Please don’t be angry,” her words were barely above a whisper.
“I’m not angry. I’m disappointed that nothing has been what I thought it was. I’m still bothered that you made a major life decision for the both of us and kept it a secret – even when that decision was what you thought was for my best. I know that’s why you did it.”
He stood. “Mostly, I hate seeing you be her again, the Sophie who does things just to make other people happy.”
After a few steps, he turned back. “If this is for me or for my parents, then this is over now. If it’s for you, then I’m all in. But I need to hear you say it’s for you, that you desperately want a baby now. I’m not even sure you know.”
Sophie sat looking at him, thinking he may be right. After all the months of trying and the building hope that she would get pregnant, she wasn’t sure how she felt. Was it always only for him?
“Pray about it,” he said, his voice soft. “You come to me and say this is what you want, then I will every-other-day you until we make that happen.”
Josh walked to the steps, stopped, and held out his hand. “You coming?”
She went to him, took his hand, and went back up to bed. Just as he had done before, he pulled her close. This time, though, he was asleep in minutes. Obviously, he had needed to get that off his chest.
His words turned over and over in her mind. Did she want to start all over? Until falling in love with him, it wasn’t even a consideration.
When the sun came up, Sophie moved from the bed without waking Josh. The past few hours had been spent in prayer and reflection over the past spring and
summer. Her obsession over having a baby had stolen more from her than time with her husband.
Downstairs, she cracked the door and stepped out onto her screened-in porch. Because the back of their house faced the evening sun, Josh had covered and screened the deck so that they could eat dinner out there in the shade. Now, it was where she had her quiet time each morning.
Her journal was sitting next to her chair and rather than picking it up, she scowled at what she knew was there. Page after page was filled with prayers about getting pregnant. She had journaled the highs and lows of her journey. She was pretty sure there wasn’t even one entry where she had asked the Lord His will for their lives.
Just as Josh said, from the moment they returned from his parents, that was her only thought, to give him the child he deserved. How could she have never considered it, that Josh really may not want a baby now – or ever?
Sophie set her coffee aside and picked up her journal. Without looking back at old entries, she turned to a fresh page and wrote: Do I even want a baby?
Why had she never asked that question? She had regressed to that other Sophie again.
Josh came out and sat on the chair next to her. When he reached for her hand, he tugged on her until she stood, then he pulled her down to sit in his lap.
“I won’t keep you long. You have some praying to do.”
“I do, but you can keep me as long as you want.”
“I’m sorry I sounded like such a selfish jerk. I heard myself saying all that and knew what a jerk I was being.”
“You weren’t a jerk at all. You just told me how you feel. I want that, for you to always be able to share your feelings with me.”
He lowered his head to rest on her shoulder. “I hope I was totally clear this morning. If you want this, then I want this. Nothing matters more to me than making you happy. If a baby will make you happy, then having one will make me happy too.”
“I know.”
“You have been such a great mom to Chloe. Maybe you really do want to start over and do it all again.”
“Being her mom was the greatest season…” She trailed off and shook her head.
“And?”
“And as great as it was, I’m loving this season just as much. Like you said, growing our business and living this life, it’s just as fulfilling as being her mom. I feel a little torn, honestly.”
“You don’t have to decide right now. Take your time.” He kissed her cheek, then looked back at her. “Are you freaked out about next week?”
“I’ll be forty, of course it freaks me out. This is the last we will share the same decade for ten years.”
He grinned. “Nine and a half. And I think it’s kind of hot that I’ll be sleeping with a woman in her forties.”
“Josh! That’s not funny.”
When she tried to stand, he held her in a bear hug. “Where do you think you’re going?”
His first kiss lead to another and then another until he stood with her and walked back into the house.
Lunch with Justine was what Sophie had needed. Because she had kept the baby-making craziness from her friend, this was their first conversation about it.
“Girl, what am I gonna do with you?” Justine said shaking her head.
“You don’t have to do anything. Just listen and help me figure out if I want another baby.”
“I’ll listen, but I’m not contributing any more than that. That’s between you, Josh, and Jesus.”
“These past months have been exciting to think about having a little baby.” Her lips formed into a pout. “All the little outfits and toys. That new baby smell and coos and gurgles.”
With one eyebrow arched and a skeptical look, Justine said, “And crying and sleepless nights. At twenty you can run on three or four hours of sleep a night. Have you tried that lately?”
Sophie laughed. “The last time we stayed out past midnight, I had to sleep until nine.”
“See?” Justine said. “I’m not saying don’t, but if Josh isn’t ready, I would at least take that into consideration.”
“He said he would be all in if I want one.”
“And I believe that,” Justine said. “I can’t imagine any better dad, but still, he has a point. You’re happy as you are. A baby changes everything.” She winked at her own words.
The afternoon was filled with appointments and finishing payroll, so Sophie had little time to think. Josh had been like his old self that day, at peace and content with life simply because he was with her. He sang and whistled his way through bumper-to-bumper traffic without once yelling at a car around him.
Their morning together giggling beneath the sheets had done them both a world of good. She had needed spur-of-the-moment romance as much as he did. That’s what their lives together so far should have looked like rather than what it had become.
That night they ate dinner on the back porch and afterward, Josh went in to shower. The question from her journal came to mind again. Did she actually want another baby?
Sophie reached for her Bible, planning to read a little since her time that morning was so pleasantly interrupted. She had been reading in the Psalms and intended to return there. When she placed the book on her lap, it fell open to the Book of Leviticus and a circled passaged caught her eye. It was the verse about not sowing fields or pruning vineyards on the Sabbath year. What most caught her eye was the verse to follow:
“What grows of its own accord of your harvest you shall not reap, nor gather the grapes of your untended vine, for it is a year of rest for the land.” (Leviticus 25:5)
The phrase “what grows of its own accord” was glaring at her as if to say: allow God to make the decision for you. It hadn’t been right of her to force Josh into something he wasn’t ready for. It wasn’t even about deciding if she wanted a child. It was about allowing nature to take its course no matter the outcome.
So, she would be forty. That would absolutely lessen her chances of conceiving, decreasing with every year that came after it. Her maniacal go days and no days wouldn’t alter the course of God’s plan for them one bit.
Funny how God would use the same verses to speak to her and slow her down in her earlier pursuit of Josh and again now in her pursuit of having his child. The final part of the verse that said it was to be a year of rest for the land helped clarify things the most.
Their first year of marriage was to be a time to grow their present lives together, not a time to determine the future of their family. She wasn’t sure about long term, but for the time being, she didn’t want to focus on a baby, only Josh.
When Josh stepped back out on the porch shirtless and with his hair still wet, she looked at him and smiled.
“No, I really don’t want a baby.” She considered that again. “Well, at least not now.”
Just as he had that morning, he sat and pulled her over to sit with him. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I want to be selfish and only love you.”
“If that’s the case,” he whispered, “I’m free right now.”
***
Josh’s phone vibrated on the bedside table, so he reached to turn off the alarm. He had known when he went to bed that night that he couldn’t trust himself to wake on his own.
“What’s that for?” Sophie said without opening her eyes.
“It’s for you.” Josh reached for the edge of their quilt and pulled it down.
“Hey!”
“Time to get up.”
Sophie sat up and peeked at him through one eye. “It’s not even midnight.”
“Exactly,” Josh said. “Come on. We have a date.”
He helped her get her robe on and then led her down the steps and to the back door where he flipped on the garden lights.
With eyes dancing, Sophie said, “It’s nearly my birthday.”
“It sure is.”
He led her out to the swing and pulled her down to sit. “You’ll be forty in less than fifteen minutes. I wanted to spend the
last few minutes with you in your thirties and then cross over with you to a beautiful new decade.”
“Beautiful?” Her look said she was unconvinced.
“I think so,” Josh said.
She was snuggled in next to him. “It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.”
“Good to hear.”
“You’ve made it a great birthday week.”
“That’s my job.”
He looked at his watch and was counting down the minutes. When it was finally a few seconds until midnight, he left her sitting there and went to the middle of the yard. With arms wide open, he shouted, “I love you in your thirties, Sophie Taylor!”
When it hit midnight, he shouted again, “I love you in your forties, Sophie Taylor!”
Sophie stood and went to join him. “If there’s any one thing I know in this life, it’s that.” She spread her arms and shouted just as loudly, “I love you, Josh Taylor!”
Flood lights came on next door, so Josh grabbed her hand and they scrambled indoors.
Chloe met them in the kitchen. “What are you two weirdos doing?”
“It’s your mom’s birthday,” Josh said.
“Yeah, I know.” Chloe went to the freezer and pulled out an ice cream cake. “That’s why I got this.”
Sophie said, “I heard you come in late. So this is why you were banging around in the kitchen.”
“Yep.” Chloe got them each a plate and began slicing the cake. “I just didn’t know we would be eating it in the middle of the night.” She grinned when she set a piece in front of her mom. “I should have known your lunatic husband would do something ridiculous and spectacular.”
“I’m not sure he’ll ever outdo last year.”
“Last year was an epic fail.” Josh said feeling more ridiculous than spectacular. “I’m not sure we need to revisit all that.”
Sophie slid closer to him. “Nothing about last year was a fail. It was just a stepping stone to where we are now.”
“Agreed. At least I got my girl in the end.”
Josh glanced at Chloe and noticed how her smile faded as she looked back at her cake. Though rare, it wasn’t the first time he had seen that same expression. Something was going on beneath her surface that had him confused. As far as he knew, they were good now. They got along exceptionally well, but that look may be a reason for concern.