14 Psmith in the City

by Unknown

  The hostility of Mr Bickersdyke was a slight drawback. Psmith had developed a habit of taking Mike with him to the club of an evening; and this did not do anything towards wiping out of the manager’s mind the recollection of his former passage of arms with the Old Wrykinian. The glass remaining Set Fair as far as Mr Rossiter’s approval was concerned, Mike was enabled to keep off the managerial carpet to a great extent; but twice, when he posted letters without going through the preliminary formality of stamping them, Mr Bickersdyke had opportunities of which he availed himself. But for these incidents life was fairly enjoyable. Owing to Psmith’s benevolent efforts, the Postage Department became quite a happy family, and ex-occupants of the postage desk, Bannister especially, were amazed at the change that had come over Mr Rossiter. He no longer darted from his lair like a pouncing panther. To report his subordinates to the manager seemed now to be a lost art with him. The sight of Psmith and Mr Rossiter proceeding high and disposedly to a mutual lunch became quite common, and ceased to excite remark.

  ‘By kindness,’ said Psmith to Mike, after one of these expeditions. ‘By tact and kindness. That is how it is done. I do not despair of training Comrade Rossiter one of these days to jump through paper hoops.’

  So that, altogether, Mike’s life in the bank had become very fairly pleasant.

  Out of office-hours he enjoyed himself hugely. London was strange to him, and with Psmith as a companion, he extracted a vast deal of entertainment from it. Psmith was not unacquainted with the West End, and he proved an excellent guide. At first Mike expostulated with unfailing regularity at the other’s habit of paying for everything, but Psmith waved aside all objections with languid firmness.

  ‘I need you, Comrade Jackson,’ he said, when Mike lodged a protest on finding himself bound for the stalls for the second night in succession. ‘We must stick together. As my confidential secretary and adviser, your place is by my side. Who knows but that between the acts tonight I may not be seized with some luminous thought? Could I utter this to my next-door neighbour or the programme-girl? Stand by me, Comrade Jackson, or we are undone.’

  So Mike stood by him.

  By this time Mike had grown so used to his work that he could tell to within five minutes when a rush would come; and he was able to spend a good deal of his time reading a surreptitious novel behind a pile of ledgers, or down in the tearoom. The New Asiatic Bank supplied tea to its employees. In quality it was bad, and the bread-and-butter associated with it was worse. But it had the merit of giving one an excuse for being away from one’s desk. There were large printed notices all over the tearoom, which was in the basement, informing gentlemen that they were only allowed ten minutes for tea, but one took just as long as one thought the head of one’s department would stand, from twenty-five minutes to an hour and a quarter.

  This state of things was too good to last. Towards the beginning of the New Year a new man arrived, and Mike was moved on to another department.

  14. Mr Waller Appears in a New Light

  The department into which Mike was sent was the Cash, or, to be more exact, that section of it which was known as Paying Cashier. The important task of shooting doubloons across the counter did not belong to Mike himself, but to Mr Waller. Mike’s work was less ostentatious, and was performed with pen, ink, and ledgers in the background. Occasionally, when Mr Waller was out at lunch, Mike had to act as substitute for him, and cash cheques; but Mr Waller always went out at a slack time, when few customers came in, and Mike seldom had any very startling sum to hand over.

  He enjoyed being in the Cash Department. He liked Mr Waller. The work was easy; and when he did happen to make mistakes, they were corrected patiently by the grey-bearded one, and not used as levers for boosting him into the presence of Mr Bickersdyke, as they might have been in some departments. The cashier seemed to have taken a fancy to Mike; and Mike, as was usually the way with him when people went out of their way to be friendly, was at his best. Mike at his ease and unsuspicious of hostile intentions was a different person from Mike with his prickles out.

  Psmith, meanwhile, was not enjoying himself. It was an unheard-of thing, he said, depriving a man of his confidential secretary without so much as asking his leave.

  ‘It has caused me the greatest inconvenience,’ he told Mike, drifting round in a melancholy way to the Cash Department during a slack spell one afternoon. ‘I miss you at every turn. Your keen intelligence and ready sympathy were invaluable to me. Now where am I? In the cart. I evolved a slightly bright thought on life just now. There was nobody to tell it to except the new man. I told it him, and the fool gaped. I tell you, Comrade Jackson, I feel like some lion that has been robbed of its cub. I feel as Marshall would feel if they took Snelgrove away from him, or as Peace might if he awoke one morning to find Plenty gone. Comrade Rossiter does his best. We still talk brokenly about Manchester United—they got routed in the first round of the Cup yesterday and Comrade Rossiter is wearing black—but it is not the same. I try work, but that is no good either. From ledger to ledger they hurry me, to stifle my regret. And when they win a smile from me, they think that I forget. But I don’t. I am a broken man. That new exhibit they’ve got in your place is about as near to the Extreme Edge as anything I’ve ever seen. One of Nature’s blighters. Well, well, I must away. Comrade Rossiter awaits me.’

  Mike’s successor, a youth of the name of Bristow, was causing Psmith a great deal of pensive melancholy. His worst defect—which he could not help—was that he was not Mike. His others—which he could—were numerous. His clothes were cut in a way that harrowed Psmith’s sensitive soul every time he looked at them. The fact that he wore detachable cuffs, which he took off on beginning work and stacked in a glistening pile on the desk in front of him, was no proof of innate viciousness of disposition, but it prejudiced the Old Etonian against him. It was part of Psmith’s philosophy that a man who wore detachable cuffs had passed beyond the limit of human toleration. In addition, Bristow wore a small black moustache and a ring and that, as Psmith informed Mike, put the lid on it.

  Mike would sometimes stroll round to the Postage Department to listen to the conversations between the two. Bristow was always friendliness itself. He habitually addressed Psmith as Smithy, a fact which entertained Mike greatly but did not seem to amuse Psmith to any overwhelming extent. On the other hand, when, as he generally did, he called Mike ‘Mister Cricketer’, the humour of the thing appeared to elude Mike, though the mode of address always drew from Psmith a pale, wan smile, as of a broken heart made cheerful against its own inclination.

  The net result of the coming of Bristow was that Psmith spent most of his time, when not actually oppressed by a rush of work, in the precincts of the Cash Department, talking to Mike and Mr Waller. The latter did not seem to share the dislike common among the other heads of departments of seeing his subordinates receiving visitors. Unless the work was really heavy, in which case a mild remonstrance escaped him, he offered no objection to Mike being at home to Psmith. It was this tolerance which sometimes got him into trouble with Mr Bickersdyke. The manager did not often perambulate the office, but he did occasionally, and the interview which ensued upon his finding Hutchinson, the underling in the Cash Department at that time, with his stool tilted comfortably against the wall, reading the sporting news from a pink paper to a friend from the Outward Bills Department who lay luxuriously on the floor beside him, did not rank among Mr Waller’s pleasantest memories. But Mr Waller was too soft-hearted to interfere with his assistants unless it was absolutely necessary. The truth of the matter was that the New Asiatic Bank was over-staffed. There were too many men for the work. The London branch of the bank was really only a nursery. New men were constantly wanted in the Eastern branches, so they had to be put into the London branch to learn the business, whether there was any work for them to do or not.

  It was after one of these visits of Psmith’s that Mr Waller displayed a new and unsuspected side to his character. Psmith had come round i
n a state of some depression to discuss Bristow, as usual. Bristow, it seemed, had come to the bank that morning in a fancy waistcoat of so emphatic a colour-scheme that Psmith stoutly refused to sit in the same department with it.

  ‘What with Comrades Bristow and Bickersdyke combined,’ said Psmith plaintively, ‘the work is becoming too hard for me. The whisper is beginning to circulate, “Psmith’s number is up—As a reformer he is merely among those present. He is losing his dash.” But what can I do? I cannot keep an eye on both of them at the same time. The moment I concentrate myself on Comrade Bickersdyke for a brief spell, and seem to be doing him a bit of good, what happens? Why, Comrade Bristow sneaks off and buys a sort of woollen sunset. I saw the thing unexpectedly. I tell you I was shaken. It is the suddenness of that waistcoat which hits you. It’s discouraging, this sort of thing. I try always to think well of my fellow man. As an energetic Socialist, I do my best to see the good that is in him, but it’s hard. Comrade Bristow’s the most striking argument against the equality of man I’ve ever come across.’

  Mr Waller intervened at this point.

  ‘I think you must really let Jackson go on with his work, Smith,’ he said. ‘There seems to be too much talking.’

  ‘My besetting sin,’ said Psmith sadly. ‘Well, well, I will go back and do my best to face it, but it’s a tough job.’

  He tottered wearily away in the direction of the Postage Department.

  ‘Oh, Jackson,’ said Mr Waller, ‘will you kindly take my place for a few minutes? I must go round and see the Inward Bills about something. I shall be back very soon.’

  Mike was becoming accustomed to deputizing for the cashier for short spaces of time. It generally happened that he had to do so once or twice a day. Strictly speaking, perhaps, Mr Waller was wrong to leave such an important task as the actual cashing of cheques to an inexperienced person of Mike’s standing; but the New Asiatic Bank differed from most banks in that there was not a great deal of cross-counter work. People came in fairly frequently to cash cheques of two or three pounds, but it was rare that any very large dealings took place.

  Having completed his business with the Inward Bills, Mr Waller made his way back by a circuitous route, taking in the Postage desk.

  He found Psmith with a pale, set face, inscribing figures in a ledger. The Old Etonian greeted him with the faint smile of a persecuted saint who is determined to be cheerful even at the stake.

  ‘Comrade Bristow,’ he said.

  ‘Hullo, Smithy?’ said the other, turning.

  Psmith sadly directed Mr Waller’s attention to the waistcoat, which was certainly definite in its colouring.

  ‘Nothing,’ said Psmith. ‘I only wanted to look at you.’

  ‘Funny ass,’ said Bristow, resuming his work. Psmith glanced at Mr Waller, as who should say, ‘See what I have to put up with. And yet I do not give way.’

  ‘Oh—er—Smith,’ said Mr Waller, ‘when you were talking to Jackson just now—’

  ‘Say no more,’ said Psmith. ‘It shall not occur again. Why should I dislocate the work of your department in my efforts to win a sympathetic word? I will bear Comrade Bristow like a man here. After all, there are worse things at the Zoo.’

  ‘No, no,’ said Mr Waller hastily, ‘I did not mean that. By all means pay us a visit now and then, if it does not interfere with your own work. But I noticed just now that you spoke to Bristow as Comrade Bristow.’

  ‘It is too true,’ said Psmith. ‘I must correct myself of the habit. He will be getting above himself.’

  ‘And when you were speaking to Jackson, you spoke of yourself as a Socialist.’

  ‘Socialism is the passion of my life,’ said Psmith.

  Mr Waller’s face grew animated. He stammered in his eagerness.

  ‘I am delighted,’ he said. ‘Really, I am delighted. I also—’

  ‘A fellow worker in the Cause?’ said Psmith.

  ‘Er—exactly.’

  Psmith extended his hand gravely. Mr Waller shook it with enthusiasm.

  ‘I have never liked to speak of it to anybody in the office,’ said Mr Waller, ‘but I, too, am heart and soul in the movement.’

  ‘Yours for the Revolution?’ said Psmith.

  ‘Just so. Just so. Exactly. I was wondering—the fact is, I am in the habit of speaking on Sundays in the open air, and—’

  ‘Hyde Park?’

  ‘No. No. Clapham Common. It is—er—handier for me where I live. Now, as you are interested in the movement, I was thinking that perhaps you might care to come and hear me speak next Sunday. Of course, if you have nothing better to do.’

  ‘I should like to excessively,’ said Psmith.

  ‘Excellent. Bring Jackson with you, and both of you come to supper afterwards, if you will.’

  ‘Thanks very much.’

  ‘Perhaps you would speak yourself?’

  ‘No,’ said Psmith. ‘No. I think not. My Socialism is rather of the practical sort. I seldom speak. But it would be a treat to listen to you. What—er—what type of oratory is yours?’

  ‘Oh, well,’ said Mr Waller, pulling nervously at his beard, ‘of course I—. Well, I am perhaps a little bitter—’

  ‘Yes, yes.’

  ‘A little mordant and ironical.’

  ‘You would be,’ agreed Psmith. ‘I shall look forward to Sunday with every fibre quivering. And Comrade Jackson shall be at my side.’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Mr Waller. ‘I will go and tell him now.’

  15. Stirring Times on the Common

  ‘The first thing to do,’ said Psmith, ‘is to ascertain that such a place as Clapham Common really exists. One has heard of it, of course, but has its existence ever been proved? I think not. Having accomplished that, we must then try to find out how to get to it. I should say at a venture that it would necessitate a sea-voyage. On the other hand, Comrade Waller, who is a native of the spot, seems to find no difficulty in rolling to the office every morning. Therefore—you follow me, Jackson?—it must be in England. In that case, we will take a taximeter cab, and go out into the unknown, hand in hand, trusting to luck.’

  ‘I expect you could get there by tram,’ said Mike.

  Psmith suppressed a slight shudder.

  ‘I fear, Comrade Jackson,’ he said, ‘that the old noblesse oblige traditions of the Psmiths would not allow me to do that. No. We will stroll gently, after a light lunch, to Trafalgar Square, and hail a taxi.’

  ‘Beastly expensive.’

  ‘But with what an object! Can any expenditure be called excessive which enables us to hear Comrade Waller being mordant and ironical at the other end?’

  ‘It’s a rum business,’ said Mike. ‘I hope the dickens he won’t mix us up in it. We should look frightful fools.’

  ‘I may possibly say a few words,’ said Psmith carelessly, ‘if the spirit moves me. Who am I that I should deny people a simple pleasure?’

  Mike looked alarmed.

  ‘Look here,’ he said, ‘I say, if you are going to play the goat, for goodness’ sake don’t go lugging me into it. I’ve got heaps of troubles without that.’

  Psmith waved the objection aside.

  ‘You,’ he said, ‘will be one of the large, and, I hope, interested audience. Nothing more. But it is quite possible that the spirit may not move me. I may not feel inspired to speak. I am not one of those who love speaking for speaking’s sake. If I have no message for the many-headed, I shall remain silent.’

  ‘Then I hope the dickens you won’t have,’ said Mike. Of all things he hated most being conspicuous before a crowd—except at cricket, which was a different thing—and he had an uneasy feeling that Psmith would rather like it than otherwise.

  ‘We shall see,’ said Psmith absently. ‘Of course, if in the vein, I might do something big in the way of oratory. I am a plain, blunt man, but I feel convinced that, given the opportunity, I should haul up my slacks to some effect. But—well, we shall see. We shall see.’

  And with this gh
astly state of doubt Mike had to be content.

  It was with feelings of apprehension that he accompanied Psmith from the flat to Trafalgar Square in search of a cab which should convey them to Clapham Common.

  They were to meet Mr Waller at the edge of the Common nearest the old town of Clapham. On the journey down Psmith was inclined to be debonnaire. Mike, on the other hand, was silent and apprehensive. He knew enough of Psmith to know that, if half an opportunity were offered him, he would extract entertainment from this affair after his own fashion; and then the odds were that he himself would be dragged into it. Perhaps—his scalp bristled at the mere idea—he would even be let in for a speech.

  This grisly thought had hardly come into his head, when Psmith spoke.

  ‘I’m not half sure,’ he said thoughtfully, ‘I sha’n’t call on you for a speech, Comrade Jackson.’

  ‘Look here, Psmith—’ began Mike agitatedly.

  ‘I don’t know. I think your solid, incisive style would rather go down with the masses. However, we shall see, we shall see.’

  Mike reached the Common in a state of nervous collapse.

  Mr Waller was waiting for them by the railings near the pond. The apostle of the Revolution was clad soberly in black, except for a tie of vivid crimson. His eyes shone with the light of enthusiasm, vastly different from the mild glow of amiability which they exhibited for six days in every week. The man was transformed.