by Ann, Becca
My eyebrow shoots up. “Then what the heck?”
“Drop it.” Her voice drips with warning.
“No I’m not going to drop it. This has been going on for far too long, and I’m sick of it. It needs to end now. And you need to tell me why!” I point my chipped Don’t Touch My Tutu! nail at her nose.
She grabs it and twists. “I said let it go,” she says through clenched teeth.
I rip my finger from her grasp. “I want to know.”
“No you don’t. Trust me.”
I stare into the fire burning in her eyes. I’ve had enough. She’s been torturing me since sixth grade, and I am sick and tired. I don’t need Ryan to fight my battles for me or to be there for me because I’m putting an end to this right now. It’s time for it all to be put on the table and worked out.
“Try me!” I say.
“Fine! Your slut of a mother slept with my father. She’s the reason my parents divorced.”
She might as well have kicked me in the gut. All air rushes out of my mouth, and I feel like I’m falling. My head spins, the only thing I can focus on are every pair of eyes watching me and every pair of ears listening to the awful truth.
“You’re right. But you are your mother’s daughter. It’s only a matter of time before you turn into the white trash you’re destined to be. It’s already starting.” She turns away from me, over processed hair smacking me in the face.
I grab onto the seat next to me. Mom’s not even here, and she still manages to ruin everything. More tears burn my eyes, but I won’t let her see me cry.
I’m aware of every person watching. Aware of the hushed whispers. I take a deep breath and turn my head away only for my eyes to settle on the one person who should be taking my hand in his.
His eyes are as swollen as mine feel and stubble sprinkles his skin. A million “I’m sorry’s” rise in my throat, but stop at my lips.
Last night was stupid. The words we threw at each other were all in the heat of the moment. I don’t hate him. It’s the complete opposite actually.
I love him.
Maybe I can let the drinking go as long as he promises never to do it again. Like Kaylee said you get one get out of jail free card. Why can’t I give Ryan his?
I part my lips, willing the words to come out when he pops his earbuds in and closes his eyes.
Message heard loud and clear. I stumble to the back of the bus and toss myself into a corner up against the window.
My forehead rests against the cold glass as tears slide down my cheek.
The bus starts up, and we pull away, leaving behind the place I thought would be my paradise. The only person I was fooling was myself. There is no paradise for me.
I have a slut for a mother. I’m bound to become white trash. And I’m alone. Utterly and completely alone.
Chapter 24
Ryan
“You get your scrawny rear out of bed right now, young man.” Grams whips off my sheets, and I send praises to the heavens I decided to wear more than my underwear last night.
“Uungh.”
“Don’t you whine at me.” She grabs the Febreze and sprays every inch of my room. “I think I’ve done a pretty decent job at minding my own business this weekend. What with you coming straight home, not unpacking, and not leaving this bed except to go to the bathroom.” She pauses the spray-a-thon. “You did leave the bed to take care of business, right?”
“Nope. I used one of my old shoes.” I smirk, but leave the majority of my face in my pillow.
“Well, now, I believe it. Because it sure smells that way in here.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Grabbing the sheets with my toes, I pull the blankets back over me.
“Oh, no you don’t.” She’s speedy for an old lady. The blankets are back on the floor and out of my reach in seconds. “You’re going to school. I already checked your temperature, and I’m also not stupid. Been around a long time, so I know this is all about avoiding someone.”
I open my mouth to argue and she cuts me off with a “don’t mess with your grandma” look. So I nod and sit up, rubbing the sleep—or lack of sleep—from my eyes.
“There’s the big boy I knew was in there.” She puts down the air freshener and scoops up my bed sheets. “Get dressed. Eat. Say a prayer. Then go to school.”
“Yes ma’am.” I salute her with enthusiasm to convince her I’m fine. Even though I’ve pretty much rotted inside.
***
The great thing about being a senior is I can take whatever the hell class I want, since I did all the requirements already. And the lineup today is Metal Shop, Auto Shop, Study Hall, then lunch. I have a good Lexie-free morning, and I can shoot off campus for lunch, no prob.
I know I told Nate I’d fix it, and I will. I just don’t know how. When she and Sandy had that huge blowout on the bus, it killed me not to wrap her in my arms. But I’m sure Hung Over Ryan is just as bad as Vodka Breath Ryan. I would’ve made things ten times worse.
Now I’m stuck. Not sure what to say to her or how to say it. Or if I’ll come off as a major ass or something. So I’m avoiding her till I can figure it out.
Helps that she’s avoiding me too.
I crack my neck before pulling out the soldering gun. It’s stupid, but I want to fix the butt ugly ring and give it back to her. She won’t want it, but I don’t care. This is what love does to me. Makes me really, really stupid.
I’m not a total expert with this thing. I’m better with the big stuff that requires a welder, but it looks all right. Not sure if it’s the same size, but at least the ring isn’t broken in half anymore.
Setting it down on the table to cool, I accidentally bump the gun with my elbow, burning a hole in my shirt and frying my skin.
“Shit!”
I run over to the faucet and splash cold water on my arm. Luckily none of my classmates seem to care or notice. Best thing about Metal Shop is just that. Our teacher lets us do our own thing, as long as we’re careful.
I’m usually a lot more careful.
The burn isn’t bad, but I still wrap it in gauze after smothering it in burn ointment. By the time I’m finished, so is Lex’s ring.
And I’m done with the avoiding thing already. Something leaps in my stomach—don’t know if it’s nerves or excitement yet, but I can’t wait to see her, even though things are funky. I lasted all first period, I’m that tough.
She always stops by her locker between first and second period, so I duck out of class five minutes before the bell goes off, and wait for her.
I rub the back of my neck raw. I guess the frog in my stomach is nerves, and my feet poise in the “bail” position. But like one of Nate’s magic tricks, she pops out of the crowd, standing in front of me with her arms folded.
She looks good. Never looks bad, but it looks like she’s been sleeping at least. Her nails are freshly painted—as always—and she’s got her raspberry lip gloss on. Her hair is what’s different. Pulled back, away from her face. She always wears it down, but today, I can see her full cheeks, her sexy neck and her collar bone. The shirt she’s wearing hangs loose off one shoulder and reminds me of when I had my lips there.
The nerves just tripled.
Neither of us says anything. I know she’s waiting for me, since I’m the one by her locker, but I’m choking on my tongue. Sweat builds in my palms, and I can’t seem to figure out why I’m here in the first place.
Okay, this is more than funky. It’s awful. I’ve never been like this around her. Sure, I’ve kept things hidden, but I’ve never felt—hopeless.
I start to walk away, but she puts a hand up, eyes going to my elbow.
“What happened?”
These are the first two words she says to me since she said she hated me. Not that I deserve any better words, but I guess it could be worse.
“Burnt myself in Metal Shop.”
Her hand goes for the bandage, then stops midair. She does this weird wave like she’s suddenly swatting away a fly befo
re she tucks it back around her waist. “Are you okay?”
I like those words better. It gives me a little courage and instead of bailing, I find myself smirking.
“I’ll live.”
It’s quiet again. Well, quiet between the two of us. The hallway is as loud as ever, but when I’m with her, as sappy as it sounds, everything else fades away.
“Did you need something? Because I, uh, have to get to class.”
Back to awkward. My shoulders slump, and I pull the ring out. The stupid ass twenty-five cent ring I thought meant something, but when I look at it, it just reminds me what a jerk I am.
“I, uh…” Dude, I can’t even look at her. This is pathetic. Nate sent love notes to Kaylee for what? A year or something? That was big. Yeah, I give him crap about, but still, that’s how you show someone you love them. Not a ring chucked against the wall right after the girl tells you she hates you.
I blow out a breath and hold out the damn thing. “I thought you should have this, even if you don’t want it.”
Her eyebrows pull together as she looks at my hand.
Because it’s awkward, I spew. “I know you’re pissed, and you have every right to be, I get it. And it’s an ugly thing you threw at my face, but still… I thought, maybe, if you had it, you’d know I’m still here for you, even if you don’t want me to be.”
Lame to the millionth degree. She’s still just staring at it, not saying a word, not moving a muscle.
It’s ballsy. I give myself credit because she doesn’t make a move as I pass her, and I tuck the ring into her side pocket. Things spark through my fingers from the small amount of contact I have with her, but I shake it off. I head straight to the parking lot. Maybe driving around can count as Auto Shop today.
Chapter 25
Lexie
Why didn’t I grab his hand? It was right there, in my pocket, and then he pulled away, and I let him. Just like he let me walk out the door on the last night of our senior trip.
Ryan and I don’t do awkward, never did, and now every time I catch his eyes across the crowded hallways, or see his name pop up on my IM screen, awkward is all I get.
I hate this.
I should be walking next to him. Instead, I’m standing all alone watching as he gets farther and farther away from me. This has gone on long enough. I can’t bare another second of it.
“Ry—” The words suck back into me as I go face first into a plaid shirt.
“Where’s the fire?”
“Mr. Miller, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright, Alexis. Just slow down. Wherever you’re going will still be there when you arrive.”
Would he? A few days ago I’d bet my nail polish collection on it. I’m not so sure anymore. Never in a million years did I think he’d drain a mini bar dry or even find my ring, the one thing I cherish more than him, and trust someone else to give it to me. He may as well be a stranger.
I shake the thought from my head and smile up at Mr. Miller. “I forgot to thank you.”
“Thank me for what?”
“The trip.”
He squints, causing the surrounding skin on his eyes to crinkle. “I’m sorry I don’t understand.”
“The ski trip.”
Mr. Miller scratches the side of his face, and creases form on his forehead. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“It’s okay. I know.”
“No, Alexis I didn’t. It was—-”
He doesn’t need to cover up and pretend like he didn’t. Too honorable this man. “Ryan told me you pulled some strings. I just wanted to say thanks. I wish I had the money to…” My words falter, shame overtaking every ounce of me. Not like I have to finish the sentence. Most people have heard the stories about my mom, know I live in a basement apartment and work two jobs.
He rests his hand on my shoulder and gives it a pat. “You know what? Don’t mention it.”
I nod still choking on the words I couldn’t push out and offer up a nod.
Last period takes forever to end, and when I step into the parking lot, my worst fear is confirmed. Ryan didn’t wait for me. The back of my eyes sting as I walk to my car.
Sean stands across the lot with Sandy, his arm draped around her. Ryan and I still aren’t talking, and Sean has gone from his tongue down my throat back to his hand lingering dangerously close to Sandy’s boob. Glad to see he recovered from me so quickly.
I get in my car and pull out. At the stop sign I wait longer than usual. I was supposed to walk Brewster today, but who am I fooling? Without Ryan I can’t do it, so I’m just not going to show. Unexplained absence is guaranteed to get me fired, but I don’t have the heart to walk away from Brewster willingly.
Turn right and go home. Or turn left and go to Ryan.
The little piece I experienced of what it would be like to be with him wasn’t enough. It was like tasting a forkful of cake when an entire sheet is sitting in front of me, and I’m forbidden to reach for more.
After everything. The drinking. The screaming. Those awful words I chucked at him. I still want him.
Beep!
Startled, I cut the wheel to the right and head home. Surprisingly enough, Mom hasn’t been too awful lately. Of course when I want to hate her more than ever for what she did to Sandy’s family, she goes all Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde on me.
She actually asked me how my day was yesterday. It was weird. We’ll see how long it lasts. The record’s five days.
A green car sits in the driveway that I don’t recognize, probably someone here visiting our landlord. Other than Ryan we don’t get visitors.
I go to walk in but the door doesn’t budge. It’s locked. A sure sign mom’s still sleeping. I turn the key and step in. She’s awake, sitting on the couch and not in her usual getup. Her short skirt replaced with a pair of slimming jeans and her too tight shirt exchanged for a crew neck fitted tee.
She looks…good.
“Mom?” I ask. I need to hear her voice to confirm it’s truly her.
“Alexis, I wasn’t expecting you home.”She jumps up from the couch and stands in front of me.
“I didn’t have to walk Brewster today.” I go to move around her, and she blocks my path. “What’s your problem? Let me by.”
“I need to—”
My attention turns to the bathroom. I point to the door. “Is someone in there?”
“I wanted to tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
A short man steps out of the bathroom, his comb-over barely covering the bald spot on the top of his head.
“Uh, honey this is Roger my…my…”
“Your…?” I shake my hand and throw my hands out waiting for her to spit it out.
“It’s okay, Ruthie you can say it. The first step is admitting.”
She looks to him, and he nudges his head in her direction.
“My sponsor.”
Her what? “Are you running a marathon?”
“No I’m....” She fidgets with her hands. Her nails freshly painted with my And This Little Piggy nail polish, and when Roger rests his hand on her shoulder, she puts her hands at her side. “I’m in AA.”
I laugh. I don’t mean to. No screw that. Of course I mean to. My mother. Yeah and I better duck because pigs are flying overhead.
“Alexis.” My name in Roger’s voice halts my laughter. “This is a huge step for your mother and she needs all the support she can get.”
A snort slips, and Roger gives me the stink eye. Mom’s back to fidgeting, and I’ve had about all I can take of this nonsense.
I turn away and halt in my step when Roger stands in front of me. “Alexis, please. Your mother can’t do this without you.”
Another snort escapes.
“You need to be a little more understanding.”
Anger boils in my skin, stretching out until it fills every part of me. I was going to walk away. I was going to let him learn the same lesson I’ve learned time and time again.
She’s never
going to change.
“A little more understanding? I think I’ve been more than understanding. You have no idea what I put up with. No idea. And excuse me if I’m not being more supportive, but she’s let me down more times than I can count. She has never supported a single thing I’ve done. Yet I’ve been supporting her since I was seven, by wiping puke from her mouth and picking her up when she passes out.”
“It’s different this time,” Mom says.
Like I haven’t heard it before.
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” I stomp past the two delusional people taking up space in my living room and right to my bedroom. I slam the door shut and throw myself onto my bed.
Unbelievable! Looking at me like I’m a terrible person. Who the hell is he? He wasn’t around when drunk, cruel Ruthie was around. He doesn’t get it. No one does. Except...
Ryan.
I pick up my phone and go to dial when I see a missed call from Mrs. Nelson. She’s probably wondering why I never showed. I can’t let down Mrs. Nelson or Brewster. I hit call and wait.
Tears creep into my eyes. This is all too much. Who is she fooling? Not me. Not again. I refuse to let her make me think everything is going to be okay because she’s going to get sober. Because she’s not. I bite my lip and rock back and forth. I need Ryan.
I go to hang up when I hear, “Hello?”
I push around the lump in my throat. “Hi Mrs. Nelson. It’s Lexie. I’m sorry I didn’t show up today.”
“Oh, honey it’s okay. I never want Brewster to get in the way of your school work.”
Huh? “Excuse me?”
“Ryan told me about the five page paper you have due tomorrow. You have nothing to worry about.”
The ability to speak flees me. I was wrong. Ryan is nothing like the rest of them. He’s exactly who I thought he was. The boy who would do anything for me.
I reach into my pocket and pull out the ring—his ring and slide it back onto my finger. “But I had a missed call from you.”
“I was just calling to see if you could give Brewster a bath, but I talked to Ryan, and he took care of it. That boy is too sweet. A real keeper if you ask me.”