Notorious

by Leanne Davis

  Kelly jerked her back straight and suddenly swung her hair back in agitation.

  “Heather Reeves doesn’t deserve one single tear. She was a bad person. An awful person. Do you know what she did to Cassie? Everything. Everything bad you could do to a daughter, she did. But she didn’t to me. No, she was nicer to me. Who does that? Who treats one daughter like shit and the other one like her toy? What if that had made Cassie hate me? Which Cassie should have. Where would I have been then? If Cassie hadn’t taken care of me…”

  “You’d have done what Cassie did, right? But Cassie did take care of you, and she loves you to this day like any mother loves her daughter.”

  “It was never fair. Don’t you see? It was never fair.”

  “It wasn’t your fault though either.”

  “I gave her money. I gave that bitch money and a house, even after everything she’d done to Cassie. Even when Cassie told me not to. She used it on men and drugs. She got hooked on meth a few years ago. You didn’t know that part did you? No one did. I never told Cassie.”

  “That’s not your fault either. The money you gave her probably bought her drugs, but also a place to live. You weren’t going to stop her, but at least you kept her off the streets.”

  Kelly turned to him with fierce eyes. “She didn’t even die right.”

  “How she died isn’t what you’re so upset about.”

  “I’m not? Who lives like that? Look at what we get to say about our mother. Oh, and by the way, Mom was found dead of a meth overdose in her trailer. Have you ever had to say that to someone? You think it doesn’t matter? Can you imagine having that for a reality you have to live with? I mean, a drug overdose? How sorry are we supposed to be for Heather?”

  “You, honey. We’re sorry for you.”

  She wasn’t crying yet. The anger had her so worked up she was nearly shouting at him. Still, he waited for the inevitable moment when the adrenaline left and the grief set in.

  “She doesn’t deserve this you know. Heather Reeves never did a decent thing in her life, she doesn’t deserve this.”

  “No, what she didn’t deserve was you. Or Cassie. But she was still your mother, and you still loved her. No one will fault you that.”

  “I do. I fault me that. I should be stronger, like Cassie. Cassie let her go years ago.”

  “I don’t think Cassie let her go until six months ago,” Luke said quietly. Not about to point out that Cassie had nearly destroyed herself for years, and only cleaned up after having Tim. She had only just begun to feel normal after finding John.

  “You’re wrong. Cassie cut Heather loose because of my lies. If it hadn’t been for me, Heather and Cassie might not have hated each other so much. Maybe they even would have had a…”

  “A relationship? You know that was never going to happen, regardless of you. The dynamics started when Heather didn’t love Cassie. Neither of which is yours or your sister’s fault. Lay all the blame on your mother. You had nothing, do you hear me, nothing to do with that.”

  “But…”

  “Tell her,” Luke interrupted Kelly. “Tell your sister exactly what happened and that you think you’re the cause of their breach. Let your sister decide what happened. Trust your sister with the truth.”

  “Now?” she screeched, her eyes wide, alarmed.

  “Why not now?”

  “I can’t. She’ll hate me. She’ll see me for what I am, a coward who sold her and Heather out to protect myself.”

  “You were thirteen years old. Thirteen. Trust that your sister could never ever hate you. And that Cassie can handle this. She’s not your screwed-up sister anymore that you have to be cautious with. That’s something you need to see and believe. She has John if she feels bad about what happened. She has someone to turn to now, so why not now? Why not tell her?”

  Kelly shook her head. She stared at the sand. He could easily hold her now. He could talk her through this. It ate at his insides he couldn’t say to her, “It’s okay, you have me to turn to now.”

  But he couldn’t say that. And the silence between them shook him up more than anything.

  “Come on, let’s go inside.”

  She nodded and let him help her up, as he brushed the sand off her. He held her arm as she walked beside him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  John and Cassie stood when Luke and Kelly came into the living room. Cassie took her sister from Luke and hugged her as a mother hugs a child, long and tight. Cassie was more Kelly’s mother than a sister, and the fierceness of that love would scare a lesser man than John. Cassie could handle what Kelly had to tell her, and Kelly would be far better off for letting go of her guilt.

  Kelly shoved away from Cassie.

  “I guess I need to tell you something.”

  “Okay. Do you want to talk about Mom?”

  “This is about Mom. Even if it is too late to do any good.”

  “Do you want us to leave?” John asked from behind Cassie.

  “I don’t know. It’s about our past.”

  “There isn’t much I don’t know about Cassie’s past. We’re pretty open with each other.”

  “All right, then it would probably be better if you stayed. Besides, this was his idea so he should have to stay, too,” Kelly said, pointing at Luke with disdain. If the circumstances hadn’t been so serious, Luke would have smiled and pointed out that Kelly really wanted his support, but he let her pretend she was only tolerating his presence because he pressured her into telling Cassie the truth.

  “Luke thinks this is a good idea. I’m not so sure. It’s not pleasant.”

  “Just tell me. There’s nothing you could ever say that would change how I feel about you. You’ve got to know that.”

  “No, she doesn’t seem to get that, although it’s as plain as the nose on her face,” Luke said to Cassie. Then to Kelly he said, “This isn’t going to change anything between you two.”

  Cassie nodded. “He’s right, whatever this is, tell me so we can deal with it.”

  “Deal with it? Sure when it sends you off the deep end, you can thank Luke for that. I don’t think it ever needs to come to light.”

  “Well, I think it does if it has you this upset.”

  “Fine. Let’s get you upset, too.”

  Cassie nodded again, “Let’s, if that’s what it takes to get the truth out of you.”

  “I know what you saw the night I was nearly raped. I remember all of it. I never forgot it or blocked it out. I just pretended to you I blocked it out because I didn’t want to talk about it with you.”

  Kelly’s tone was belligerent.

  Cassie was stunned. She physically took a step back in surprise. Cassie’s hurt flashed in her eyes.

  “Why ever not? I would have done anything to help you. Why would you not want to talk to me?”

  “Because it would have made you leave me, and lying to you all these years was better than that.”

  “Leave you? My God, you were the one hurt. Nothing could have ever made me leave you.”

  “Even if you caused it?”

  “Caused it?” Cassie repeated faintly. Her mouth dropped open, then closed. She shut her eyes and let out a long, shattering breath. “It was someone I brought home, wasn’t it? Not Heather. You blamed her because you didn’t want to hurt me.”

  “If I refused to talk about it with you, I wouldn’t be lying outright to you. We could pretend it didn’t happen.”

  “I don’t remember. I swear to God, it doesn’t even faintly ring a bell with me. I had no idea that man was someone I’d had sex with. Oh God, I’m sorry. I…”

  Kelly suddenly turned and glared at Luke. “Happy now? See what this did? Nothing. I just managed to hurt my sister for no good reason.”

  “You should have told me years ago.”

  “When, Cassie? Before or after you married Marcus Leary? Or how about when you finally did get your life under control? Do you really think I should have undermined all you were trying to accomplish by t
elling you this? What does it change, now that you know this truth?”

  “I can be sorry for what happened, what I let come home to you, without going off the deep end. You’ve got to believe I’m not that Cassie anymore.”

  “But you were.”

  “Yes, I was. We all know what I was. And you paid dearly for what I did wrong. Is there anything else you haven’t told me?”

  “No. Isn’t this enough?”

  “What made you lie to me at thirteen?”

  “You’d leave me.”

  “You have to know I would never have left you in Heather’s care. You have to know that, especially once you grew up. I hope I would have used that as a reason to improve my behavior, not leave you.”

  “You’d feel so guilty, you’d think you were protecting me by leaving me.”

  “I would not, and will never leave you in any sense of the word. And since you’ve held this secret in all these years, something you should hate me for, I gather you don’t want me to leave you.”

  “No,” Kelly said fiercely. “I love you.”

  “Give me the same credit. I love you that much, too.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve always been so scared that you’d leave me. You are the only family I have.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Let’s just clear up this fact now, I won’t be leaving you, ever. And I am sorry that I let someone into our home who hurt you. Don’t start to argue with me. This is something I’ll always be sorry for and regret deeply. But that isn’t going to cause me to do anything crazy. I’m just going to be sorry if you can accept that.”

  Kelly nodded. “I never blamed you.”

  “Yes, you have, you were just too young, too scared, and too kind to admit it. You can be mad at me for things I did back then. I screwed up a lot, even after I grew up and should have known better. If you don’t know by now the world doesn’t come to an end just because you’re mad at someone, then it’s something you need to learn.”

  “I should have trusted you.”

  “And I should have taught you to trust me more.”

  Kelly smiled finally. “Heather was a meth addict. She used the money I gave her to buy it.”

  “I know. I thought you didn’t know.”

  “I didn’t want her to be out on the street.”

  “Which shows you’re far kinder than I am. And you saved me from feeling guilty about not taking care of her.”

  “I loved her. And I hated her. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry for loving our mother. She was better to you than she was to me. I was always grateful Heather had done one thing right, and that was to show you love. I wanted you to feel loved, even by Heather. There is no shame in that.”

  “What do we do now?”

  “I guess we go to Portland and close out her life, or what she had left of one.”

  “But it’s your honeymoon still.”

  “Life goes on.”

  Luke suddenly stood up. “We’ll go. Kelly and I will go. You and John should be together, enjoying the rest of your time off.”

  John stood, too. “We have the rest of our lives. Some things don’t wait and can’t be helped.”

  “No. I think we should do that. If Luke will go with me, I’ll be fine. I think your time would be better spent here with Tim. He’s so glad to have you both home.”

  Cassie hesitated.

  “Don’t feel guilty. I want it this way. Please.”

  “All right. Only if Luke goes with you.”

  Luke nodded. “I will.”

  “Thank you,” Kelly said softly. It was for more than simply going on the trip to Portland with her.

  ****

  The trailer Heather died in was a singlewide with moss so thick on the roof, it was beginning to sprout ferns and hemlock trees. Kelly took it in stride. She, of course, grew-up in trailers just like the one Heather died in, and it was almost easy for her to see it as home, which, of course, spoke pretty badly about her upbringing. And volumes about how far she’d come.

  Stepping inside, Kelly almost gagged at the smell of rotten garbage, which had drawn hundreds of flies. The inside was far worse than the outside. Heather had died amongst the filth she lived in. The one couch was ripped and faded beyond recognition. There was little left. Kelly had a feeling Heather’s “neighbors” had helped themselves to anything of value Heather left behind, including the money Heather habitually kept in a desk drawer. Heather didn’t trust banks. Kelly learned to send small amounts of money to her mother, but still, around here, that sum was hefty.

  “Welcome to my life.”

  Luke looked around and was visibly disgusted. He couldn’t picture it. She tried to prepare him for what they were coming to, but there was no frame of reference for Luke Tyler about how the other side really lived. Luke came from the home of Nancy Tyler, the dirtiest he’d ever seen was when Nancy skipped a load of laundry.

  “No, this was Heather’s life. This is not you.”

  “It certainly was though.”

  The look in his eye when he glanced at her made her turn away. She couldn’t take it. The pity. Nor the understanding Luke now had of the quest she’d been on all these years. Why things like going to college sounded as foreign to her as Luke asking her if she’d ever taken a ride to the moon.

  Kelly went to her mother’s one room, and rummaged around. There was nothing left of any consequence. The bed was stripped, what clothes of Heather’s that were left were so stained and old they were rags. Kelly was sure their trip was futile.

  Then she found the one thing that made her mother seem almost human. There was a slim file, tucked away at the bottom of a cabinet. In it were a handful of pictures Kelly had drawn as a child. There were three or four snapshots of Kelly and Heather. There were even a few current ads Heather had ripped out of magazines of Kelly.

  There was nothing of Cassie, not even a childhood scribble. It was as if Cassie had never existed in Heather’s life.

  “She was almost a waste of space on the planet,” Kelly finally said, her voice a whisper.

  Luke looked through what Kelly was holding. “These show some sentiment toward you.”

  “There’s not one trace of Cassie.”

  Luke nodded. “No, there isn’t. I guess she really didn’t love Cassie.”

  “No, she never did.”

  Kelly got up. Finally Heather had done it. She killed the few feelings Kelly had left. Not because of how she treated Kelly, but because of what she’d done to Cassie.

  “I think we’d be better off just torching the trailer and everything in it.”

  Luke nodded.

  “Let’s just leave it all.”

  “Even that?” Luke waved at the folder. Kelly dropped it on the floor as an answer.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I am sure. I did all I could for her in life. Now she’s dead, and I’m ready to let her go. Let everything she ever did to us go. I left enough money with the funeral home she’ll be released to after the autopsy so that she’ll be buried at the cemetery closest to here with a marker. What more needs to be done?”

  “You don’t want to see her buried? Visit her grave?”

  Kelly shook her head. “No, this was closure. I did more than most daughters would do for a woman like Heather Reeves. Which is more than she ever did for Cassie or me. I can live with myself and that’s all that matters.”

  “All right. What now?”

  “I’d like to shower.”

  “Shower?”

  “Yes, shower. I feel like I need to wash all this away. Heather’s filth has covered me for too long.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Kelly came out of the shower after scrubbing herself raw. She was finally rid of the stigma of her mother. They made the drive from Seaclusion to Portland early that morning. It was depressing to see that the only remains of her mother’s life on this earth was a trashed-out trailer. It was sad, too. Seeing what Heather lived like, and how she’d died—alone and unwanted. He
r whole life for nothing. With two daughters she never cared about, and one she even despised.

  But it wasn’t Kelly’s life anymore. She wasn’t running from her childhood any longer. She’d made it far enough away that she wasn’t like Heather Reeves. Heather was a cold, mean woman who’d died alone with the rest of her trash. Kelly let out a long, weary breath. She was not like that. She was not her mother.

  She was unreasonably happy after her confrontation with Cassie. Who’d have guessed having the truth out there, the one secret that stood between them, wasn’t nearly as devastating as she had always imagined it would be? She was free, and tied to Cassie, both at once. And it finally proved to Kelly that Cassie was healed and had moved on with her life. She wasn’t going to fall back into her past. Kelly finally believed what Luke had been trying to tell her about Cassie.

  Cassie loved Kelly. It was on a different level than most sisters, Kelly was sure of that. And it made Kelly smile to feel so secure in her love.

  She had Luke to thank for this feeling. She had Luke to thank for being with her—period.

  Luke was sitting in a chair, looking out over the skyline of downtown Portland. City lights illuminated the otherwise darkened hotel room. He’d been thinking. It was obvious by the tense set of his mouth. His hand was turning an empty mini-bottle of vodka he must have taken from the hotel mini-bar, in a methodical up and down motion. His legs were stretched out before him and resting on the low window sill. He looked troubled and her good mood started to fade. He also looked sexy as hell being so intense.

  He turned when she entered the room and stopped next to the doorway. His look made her nervous for reasons that seemed inexplicable to her. He didn’t smile at her. Luke looked cold, almost mean. Why the sudden dark change of mood?

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Then why are you looking at me like you’d like to skin me alive?”

  “You really are as clueless about men as you claim, aren’t you?”

  “What?”

  “I’m not looking at you like I’d like to skin you alive. I’m looking at you like I want you to drop your robe and come over here.”