Without Words

by Stewart, Delancey

  But here was this girl—Dani. Again. I didn’t expect to ever see her again after that night at the club, so it felt like maybe fate was throwing me a second chance. And I didn’t think too hard for once. I took it.

  Once the tile cut straight, her face had practically split open in a grin that I swear lit the whole sidewalk. Glee had spilled out of her, and I’d felt like part of something, caught up in her enthusiasm. That’s why I’d offered to stay, I guess. I was nervous around her, definitely. The air between us was charged, dangerous. But it was also addictive.

  “You’re pretty good with this whole tile situation, Rob,” Dani said, watching me put down the thin-set mortar for the next few tiles. We’d laid one edge of the main room, but I could see there was still a small back area we’d need to do. We worked for more than an hour, but I wasn’t ready to stop.

  “I had no clue how to do the corner over there. I would’ve wasted another hour searching YouTube videos.” She laughed easily, seemed at home in her own skin. Maybe I wanted to stay close so I could learn to be that way again, too, to fit in as I finally had once I’d found the station, a calling.

  “Done this a few times,” I told her, fitting the spacers in between the tiles I’d just set down. “Used to work construction.” I sat back on my heels and looked at the edge row to make sure it was straight. The walls weren’t square, so cutting the tiles right took a little art in addition to a lot of measuring, but it was looking good. I rose and turned back toward the door, but Dani blocked the path back to the tile saw as she stood in the door gazing at our work. The light coming off the sidewalk reflected around her, and she looked ethereal. Her tank top and shorts were streaked with white from the mortar, and there was a thin sheen of sweat on her skin that practically glowed. She was amazing, and every part of my body was completely aware of it.

  She stepped back, and I went back out to the saw, trying to adjust myself without her noticing, my dick still annoyingly stiff. Sampson sprawled on the sidewalk on the other side of the door, enjoying the sun.

  “Hey,” Dani said from the door.

  I turned to find her holding two bottles of water she must’ve gotten from inside somewhere. “Thanks,” I said, reaching for one.

  “Quick break?” She plopped herself down on the sidewalk next to the sprawling mass of furry dog.

  I smiled at her and nodded, sitting next to her and drinking half the water in one long swig.

  “So,” she started, her voice softer than it had been for the last hour as we’d worked. “I should probably let it go. I shouldn’t ask. But I can’t help myself.”

  I steeled myself for whatever she was about to ask, not sure I wanted to tell her about the accident, if that was where she was headed.

  “Do you remember me? From the club?” She peeked up at me from beneath her long lashes, her blue gaze meeting mine. For the first time today, she looked unsure of herself, and I had to fight an urge to wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her close to reassure her and bring that confident grin back to her face. It surprised me, this sudden uncertainty. Here was a girl who seemed to know exactly what she wanted, who was unafraid of anything. It was part of her appeal.

  I nodded, my mind moving too fast for words. I took a deep breath, tried to slow it down. “Sorry,” I managed.

  She squinted and cocked her head to one side. “For…?”

  Shit. I closed my eyes to find the words I needed. “For not talking to you then.” I opened my eyes again, and she looked relieved.

  The smile returned. “It’s okay.” She paused. I recognized the hesitation. She was looking for words. “But I’m glad you did today.” She met my eyes again, and something passed between us, the same jolt I’d felt that night at the club, the one that had my body vibrating like I needed to run or hit something. Or press her down on the sidewalk beneath me… This girl did something to me. Jesus.

  “Can I ask something else?” she said, her eyes still on my face. She waited for me to answer, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth for a brief second.

  My eyes flew to her mouth, and my dick strained against my pants. Calm the fuck down. It had clearly been too long.

  I nodded.

  Ask me anything.

  I might not answer, but she could ask.

  I was pretty sure she was going to ask about my speech, and I had no clear idea what I’d say. I didn’t want this girl to know how broken I was. Maybe she’d figured it out already, but I’d felt normal for this hour for the first time since the accident. I’d just been with someone—someone who didn’t know anything about me—and I’d been.

  Just been.

  Something flickered through the bright blue eyes, and then they cleared, her smile returning. “There’s a bathroom and a little kitchen back there. Some of the tile is gonna have to get cut in curves,” she said.

  I nodded as relief swept through me. She wasn’t going to ask.

  “Do you know how to do that?”

  I smiled at her. “I’ll teach you,” I said slowly, getting back to my feet.

  She stood beside me and cut the last few tiles for the border. As we set in the last tile in the main space, she leaned close, bumping my shoulder with hers. “Thanks,” she said.

  The touch of her body to mine and her soft voice had me fighting for control again, but I won. This was the best day I’d had since the accident.

  We got most of the tile laid in the kitchen and bathroom before the sidewalk grew dark and the sun slid into the water at the end of Newport. As twilight fell over the street, my mind grew darker, too. This had been the first day I’d spent with someone who didn’t know everything about what had happened to me in the last year, who didn’t know all the things that were wrong with me. Who didn’t ask.

  It had been like a vacation. I’d spent a whole day away from myself. The only struggle I’d had, besides the usual effort to form coherent words, was keeping my body from propelling itself toward Dani. She was like a magnet, and keeping my distance became increasingly hard over the course of the afternoon.

  As the street darkened and we pulled the tile saw inside and cleaned up out front, I realized I couldn’t see her again. As nice as it had been, I needed to stay on my path. Find something I could handle in my fucked-up state. Get some direction. Dani and her shop had been a welcome distraction, but forgetting myself wasn’t going to get me where I needed to be. Accepting myself was a better plan. I couldn’t hide who I’d become, even though I appreciated the chance to do so with Dani.

  Even if it was just for one day.

  When the storefront was clean, Dani turned to me with something that looked like expectation in her eyes. “Rob, thank you so much. I could not have done this without you.” Her gaze swept my face, traveled down my body, lingered a bit before snapping back to my face as a blush crept up her cheeks. Something inside me tightened, and I had to shift my weight and clear my throat to regain control. Down, caveman.

  “Anyway, I wondered,” she continued. “I could maybe pay you a little bit. I was going to hire a handyman… I still need to do the grout, and I’ve never done that before, either. YouTube can only get you so far.” She laughed and shrugged.

  She was asking me to come back, offering me a job? My brain spun furiously a few beats too long. I couldn’t find an answer, and panic rose as sweat broke out on my forehead. I shook my head in what felt like slow motion. I knew I couldn’t come back, couldn’t perpetuate the illusion I’d given her today.

  That everything was fine.

  That I was normal.

  And I couldn’t handle watching her realize how many miles away I was from any version of normal she might want to be around. I wanted to keep today as it was. And that meant not trying to repeat it.

  These thoughts were flying through me as I continued shaking my head, and I finally managed a couple of words. “I can’t.”

  My feet took me backward, and I could feel her attitude toward me changing. I was already screwing it all up. I couldn’
t even say goodbye and preserve this perfect memory for myself. I turned my back on Dani and picked up Sampson’s leash. “Come on, boy,” I said to him, my voice gruff and low.

  “Um, okay,” Dani said to my back. “Yeah, I’m sure you have other stuff to do. Sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed you were free. I just… I’m sorry. Thanks, Rob.”

  I turned back around and gave her a quick nod. I was the one who should be thanking her and apologizing, but that would take words. Which would require my mind to stop its fucking churn. And between my body trying to propel me toward this girl, and my mind wrenching me away, and her asking me to come back, I was caught in a whirling maelstrom.

  It was all too much.

  I managed one final word for the gorgeous girl who had given me a nearly perfect day, and was so ashamed that she probably didn’t even hear it. “Bye.”

  I pulled Sampson’s leash, and he gave a quick whine, nosing Dani’s hand as we passed. “Come,” I urged him.

  “Bye,” I heard Dani say behind me, her obvious confusion at my sudden exit making it sound like a question.

  Sampson took charge and led me home down Newport and across the darkened beach to the condo. I followed him like a blind man, so lost in my head I didn’t even notice when we arrived at the door. I let Sampson inside and sank down on the steps. Trent wasn’t home—he was either at the club or the station. I was alone.

  And it was both a relief and the greatest torture I could imagine.

  …

  After staring into space for an hour, I grilled some chicken on the deck and ate. Drank two beers and then forced myself to go down into the garage and beat the shit out of the heavy bag. All in an effort to get my mind back to some kind of steady hum and out of this frenzied loop it had been operating on since I’d walked away from Dani at her shop.

  Since the accident, I couldn’t always predict what would be difficult. I was lucky. My brain injury was categorized as mild to moderate. After a shitload of rehab, I’d been able to regain motor function almost completely. My hands still shook sometimes, but not often. I’d forgotten some things, but nothing too critical.

  The biggest issues I still faced were communicating, obviously, and sorting my thoughts and reactions. I was sensitive to noise because I couldn’t tune it out effectively anymore. Too much noise was like a thousand people all screaming at me, demanding to be heard, and I could never figure out where to focus.

  But right now it wasn’t noise. It was something else. Something had set me off, and I knew it had to do with Dani. Or my reactions to her. Another effect of my injury was emotional, and I didn’t want to go too far down that rabbit hole if I could avoid it. Between irritability, depression, and anger, sometimes I couldn’t navigate my way back out. But the past year had taught me some ways to prevent myself from getting there.

  Distraction was one strategy, but it hadn’t worked tonight—I’d tried to watch TV as I ate, but I couldn’t tell you if I’d watched “The Bachelor” or a UFC fight.

  Physical exertion was another way out. But beating the crap out of something hadn’t worked, either, though I was physically exhausted after laying tile all day and then working out like a maniac.

  There was one more thing I could try to still my brain long enough to make some space in there to sort things out.

  I called Trent. He confirmed he was at the club and there was no one playing. I picked up my guitar and jumped in the truck, promising Sampson I’d be back soon.

  Chapter Six

  Dani

  I watched Rob and Sampson walk away from me. Run away might have been more accurate. And with each step they took down Newport, I grew more confused. What the hell just happened? God, I so do not understand men.

  It had been a weird day, definitely. Rob showing up had been a surprise—a really good one. The second I’d seen those laser-green eyes again, my heart had done a little crazy dance. And then he’d spoken, and every word he’d said had the same effect on me as listening to him sing that night at the club. Every word sent heat straight to my core, making me press my thighs together and flex muscles I hadn’t used in a long time.

  And then he’d stayed. And helped. And flashed that insanely hot smile at me. For the entire afternoon.

  Even though there’d been that strange heat flinging between us, making me sweat and stutter and lose my train of thought, there had also been an easy partnership after a while. We’d gotten into a rhythm, cutting and laying tile. It had felt right. Amazing, actually. Until I’d pushed too hard, asked for too much. And he’d gone. Like men do.

  “Seriously?” Amy’s mouth dropped open when I described the way Rob had left. “What the actual fuck?” Amy had a way with words.

  I poured a glass of wine and gazed at her over the counter. “Wine?”

  “I still have a pulse over here.”

  I squinted at her. “That’s a yes?”

  Amy reached her hand out like a toddler with little grabby fingers and I was rewarded with a smile when I handed her a glass. She immediately downed half of it.

  “Hey, this is a pretty expensive Chardonnay,” I said, sounding like a scolding mother.

  “You know the fancy stuff is wasted on me.” Amy flashed an evil grin. “Hit me again.” She held out her glass and I reluctantly filled it.

  When I’d plopped down next to her on the couch, I felt the exhaustion begin to settle into my bones. It had been a hard day, but I’d accomplished a lot. We—Rob and I—had accomplished a lot. But the way he’d left bothered me. Not just because it had bordered on rude, either. I thought we’d bonded, that we understood a little bit about each other after spending the afternoon in each other’s company. But when he left, I found myself feeling almost exactly like I had at the club when he hadn’t even spoken to me.

  Men. I knew better than to hope for the best, but something about Rob had distracted me. Even after he’d refused to speak to me that first night.

  He’d apologized for that, hadn’t he? Would I see him again? Would he give me another apology?

  It would be better if I just let it go.

  “You’re totally not going to let this go.” Amy was watching me, one eye narrowed as the other eyebrow rose. She knew me way too well. “And we’re not going to watch any of my favorite CW shows tonight, are we?”

  “I didn’t say that,” I told her, my voice unnaturally high. “I didn’t say anything.”

  “We might as well put some music on and go ahead and get cuted up then.” Amy rose from the couch and stretched. “Looks like we’re going out.”

  I stared at her. “We’re so not.”

  “Don’t act like you aren’t five minutes away from stalking your tile guy to see if he’s playing at the club. Besides, if you want him to keep working for you, you need to make a proper job offer. What are you paying? What are your terms? You didn’t tell him any of that, did you?”

  My mouth hung open as my mind caught up to the fact we were going to head off to find Rob. “I wasn’t…” Was I? Now that she’d said it, it kind of felt like my idea.

  “You were about to get there yourself, I’m just saving us time. Put on something hot.” Amy disappeared into her bedroom and One Republic was blasting through the house thirty seconds later.

  I stood up, feeling mildly confused—but really, I’d felt that way since leaving the shop. I shook off the heaviness filling my limbs and embraced the confused anger bubbling inside me. Did I deserve some kind of explanation? I barely knew the guy. He didn’t owe me anything—it was more the other way around. Why the hell would I track him down now? What would I say? He’d have every right to be irritated with me if I did manage to find him. So why did I feel like there was a chance he might want me to?

  The T-shirt I chose had sequined bands across it, and paired with skinny jeans and strappy sandals, I looked like I’d put some effort into getting dressed. I pushed into the bathroom and took my spot next to Amy at the mirror. We’d gotten ready together in this bathroom for most of our
teenaged and adult lives. It felt natural to pull toothpaste from my sister’s hand and reach over her to get the curling iron.

  “What will you say?” She spoke through the silver cage of the eyelash curler pressed to her face.

  “Something ridiculous, probably. I don’t know. I say stupid things when I’m nervous. And Rob makes me nervous.”

  “Good nervous,” Amy said.

  “I guess so.” I grabbed the eyelash curler from where she’d dropped it on the counter. “Am I crazy for going out looking for him? This feels a little crazy. Stalkery. I should leave well enough alone.”

  Amy shook her head, clearly admiring the way her long straight locks fell around her shoulders in the mirror. “Not crazy. You felt some kind of connection, right?”

  “That sounds like crazy-girl stuff when I hear you say it.” I tried to train my hair around the barrel of the curling iron but ended up succeeding in making it look even more out of control. I gave up and pulled it into a low knot at one side of my neck.

  Amy stepped in front of me and pulled some tendrils down around my temples and then blasted me with hairspray. The acidic taste filled my mouth and made me hack and blink.

  “A little warning next time, please.”

  “Oh, please, you know the drill.” Amy smacked her lip gloss and leaned against the counter, clearly finished primping. She looked perfect, as always. “And there’s nothing crazy about following your heart. Or your gut.”

  “To a club to track down a guy I’ve met one time.”

  “Twice. And he spent the entire day with you, helping you, and then just totally ran away. You can pretend it’s a chance encounter if you want.”

  “Right.” He’d never buy it. I’d already asked him about the club. “He’s not a moron.”

  “But he is hot. And you had a feeling. And you need his help.”