Then Summer Came

by C. R. Jennings

  

  I was gazing out the window, at the sun. It was after ten. I’d accidentally slept in late.

  "Lis…" Derek was standing in the doorway; I could see him from the corner of my eye, but I kept my eyes on the window. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Beck was gone from the bed.

  Derek cleared his throat. "I brought you a latte," he said, sitting the cup on the bedside table. "I went to your apartment first. I didn't think you'd be here." I stared so hard out the window I could feel my eyes dry and burning.

  He sat down by my feet, sighed and looked down at the floor between his knees. "I know you're mad…" He looked back to me, but I didn't look at him or say anything. "I’m sorry about last night, Lis.” He grabbed my chin and turned my face so I'd look at him. I felt a tear stream down my cheek and off my chin. "I'm so sorry, baby. I love you, and I want to make it up to you. Please don't cry." He brought his lips down to mine, but pulled away when my kiss was only half-hearted.

  He looked disappointed. But he deserved it. I'd been disappointed, too. More times than I could count. It was due time that the shoe be on the other foot.

  "Lissa, talk to me."

  "What do you want me to say, Derek?" I snapped. "That I forgive you, like I always do? That I'm not mad, and I understand?"

  "Yes! I want you to say that. I'm sorry, Lissa, I am!"

  "Yeah, well, me too!" I wiped my face. "Because I cried all night and I was lonely…again!" That wasn’t all true.

  He knelt down next to me and took my face into his hands. I kept my head on the pillow never moving. The blue in his eyes was a warm blue, and it made it hard to look at him. He looked so sad. "I'm sorry…I don't know anything else to say. Just…kiss me, and tell me you still love me and that you're not going anywhere."

  "Why would you think that?"

  "Because I’m a dick…and…Beck's shirt is on the other side of my bed."

  I blinked away from his stare. "He just slept here."

  "I should've been here, and I get that, but I can't do this anymore." I just stared at him. "I can't keep sharing you. At first I thought that you were just using Beck to replace me. I knew that I wasn't there for you like I should've been.” He looked broken. “I didn't let it bother me because I thought it made you happy, and that's all I've ever wanted. I felt so bad for not being there for you. I knew I was being a shitty boyfriend, so I didn't get mad when I found out. You were honest about it, and I just let it go, but I don't think it's innocent anymore. I think there's something going on between you two."

  I swallowed the knot in my throat; it hurt.

  "Lissa, I love you. I still love you, like I always have. I still want to marry you, and I still want to start our family together. I'm going to make the company less of a priority, and I'm going to focus more on us, okay? I don't want to be a dick anymore! I don't want to break promises or make you cry. I don't want you to miss me! I don’t want to miss you! I want to be here for you, and I want to be everything you want me to be, but I need you to give yourself to me, fully. I want all of you from now on. If you want us, then you have to let Beck go."

  Why did he keep saying I had to let Beck go, like he didn’t think I could? I stared into my fiancé’s perfectly blue eyes, and I remembered how he’d captured my heart, not so long ago. I felt so guilty for what I’d done with Beck. I just wanted to collapse into tears and guilt. How could I be such a cold person? He wasn’t always perfect, but neither was I—far from it, in fact.

  It took me a minute to find my voice, but I finally did. "Derek, of course I want us, there's nothing—"

  "Don't answer now, Lis, please. Just think about it, sleep on it, talk to Beck, whatever you need to do, just don’t answer now. Call me tomorrow and let me know what you've decided."

  I nodded and blinked away the tears.

  "I have to go. Walden sprung a conference on me. It's up in Oxnard, so I'll be gone all day, but when I get back, I’m all yours…if that's what you want. So, call me tomorrow and let me know what you decide, okay?"

  I nodded, again, avoiding his eyes, and he walked out quickly, not giving me a chance to say anything else.

  I lay there for over an hour, just thinking about Derek and I, and how he kept talking about Beck like they were equal in my eyes. He was my fiancé, Beck wasn’t! That’s all that mattered.

  The sex and the fun I had with Beck was lively and I liked it, but Derek was my fiancé. I felt so guilty for what I had done to him. And aside from that, I owed it to Beck to stop leading him on, and I owed it to Derek to be his faithful fiancé. He’d always been faithful to me, and even when he’d found out I’d been unfaithful, he’d been so understanding and calm and forgiving.

  Honestly, I hadn't felt all that guilty, until Derek said all of those things about our future. He was never around anymore, and he didn’t seem to care enough to try to make time for me, so yeah, I cheated and hadn’t felt too bad about it either, especially since he’d not even acted like he cared when he found out. But now the guilt was heavy on me.

  I didn’t care what Derek said; I knew what I wanted, and I wanted him! I wasn’t going to wait all day and night to tell him that. I was going to find Beck and tell him that we really were through—even if it meant I could never see him again…at all. And then I was going to go straight to Derek to tell him that he was my fiancé and I was going to marry him! To tell him that he was the man I loved. Always had been and always would be. I wanted him, I wanted us!

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I’d finally found Beck at Mik’s. It took forever, but I’d gotten Cam to answer her phone, and she told me where I could find him. Mik opened the door and his face went pale. I had no idea why; there was nothing I could’ve done to him.

  “Lis,” he said loudly.

  I blinked at his strangeness. “Hey, is…Beck here?”

  Beck came up beside him, peeking around his shoulder at me.

  “Hey.” My voice was completely flat. “Can we talk?”

  He nodded, and Mik moved to let him out and closed the door once we were out on the porch.

  He stood, waiting for me to talk. “What’s up?” he asked when I didn’t say anything.

  I cleared my throat…and then I did it again. I couldn’t find the words that I’d gone to say. Then…they found me. “Derek’s making me choose.”

  He blinked and looked away into the street, chewing his lip.

  “He said he doesn't think I'm just using you anymore, like he thought before. He thinks there’s…something going on between us.”

  Beck swallowed hard, keeping his eyes on the passing cars. "And what do you think?"

  “Like you said…” The words fell away, but they returned with a deep breath. “I was just using you…to replace Derek. I’m sorry. It was wrong of me.”

  “No.” He met my gaze. “It was my fault, Lissa. You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who egged it on. I kept pestering you and coming on to you, and that wasn’t your fault. It was mine.” He was rambling.

  “It doesn’t matter.” My eyes fell to his heaving chest. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, but that was detouring from why I’d gone there.

  “You wanna know what I think?” he asked quietly, staring at the ground in a daze.

  “What?”

  "I think you want me, Lissa.” His words were abrupt and made me tremble, and when his eyes met mine, I felt the chill run down my spine. “I do, I think you want me."

  I just stared at him.

  “Lissa?”

  I looked away at the floor.

  “You can’t even look at me! You can’t even answer me!”

  “You didn’t ask a question, Beck!” I yelled back at him.

  “Okay, then, why are you doing this, Lissa? There’s your question! Why are you choosing him?”

  I took a deep quivering breath. “Why am I choosing my fiancé?” I spat. “Is that what you’re asking me? Why am I choosing my fiancé versus the man who I was cheating with? The m
an I was only using because he looked just like the man I love? Is that what you’re asking me?” My fight to hold back the tears had failed and they were streaming free.

  His face fell, and I immediately felt awful.

  “Beck…” His eyes were big and it made my chest hurt. “I’m sorry, Beck…”

  “Don’t be.” His shook his head violently, and then his eyes met mine again. “Like you said,” he added, “You’re just choosing your fiancé.”

  

  I fled Mik’s building so quickly I felt dizzy. I ran to my car, and sped out onto the street, headed for Oxnard. I could be to Derek by five, if I was quick. I couldn’t get anyone on the phone to figure out where Derek’s meeting was, but I knew he had an office in Oxnard, so I was heading there, hoping that’s where he was.

  The whole drive to Oxnard, all I could do was think about how Beck had reacted. The longer I sat in the heat of the car, the more confused I began to feel. Why had he acted so crazy about me choosing Derek? There wasn’t really ever a choice to make, was there? Derek was my fiancé, so of course I’d choose him. But Beck acted like he was upset. Why did he keep doing that? All it did was confuse me. The damaged look on his face haunted me, and I suddenly felt like something had ended. I felt like I’d lost something. I felt bad. I felt really, really bad.

  I had no idea what to do with myself. I had dropped into a sludgy pit of confusion, and it was smothering me. I saw Derek’s face in my mind, his soft, blue eyes and his happy smile that was only a small piece in the puzzle of his love for me. I thought about Derek and about our relationship, and suddenly, things didn’t seem so confusing. I knew exactly what I wanted.

  It was a little after five, and there was still some daylight left when I pulled into the parking lot at Derek’s building. I got out and paid for my parking, stuck the ticket in my window, and jogged inside.

  Security checked me and Max, the head of security, made small talk with me about how long it’d been since he’d seen me. I excused myself and ran to the elevator. I didn’t want to waste any more time. I needed to tell him right then. He needed to know how I felt. I pressed the up arrow on the outside of the elevators and waited for one to open. When it dinged, I rushed in and impatiently punched the button for the twelfth floor—his office—and then pushed it a few more times—for good measure.

  The floor numbers flashed as the elevator rose toward the top floor. When the doors opened, I dashed down the empty corridors, to Derek’s office and barely knocked before I pushed the door open.

  Olivia’s head was thrown back and her breaths were quick, until she heard the door hit the wall.

  “Lissa!” Derek’s eyes found me, and he pulled his hands from Olivia’s hips, and she scrambled from his lap. She pulled at her skirt and cardigan and tried to straighten herself up, all while staring at me.

  I took a deep breath as Derek tried to get his suit back in place. I stared from one of them to the other, not knowing what to say, and I took another deep, deep breath.

  “Olivia, please?” Derek nudged her shoulder, and she fled the room, giving me one last glance as she left.

  She didn’t look like the shy, quiet, coy assistant I remembered. She looked like a ravaged woman. Her clothes were intact, but they had been pulled at, and her hair was a matted mess, as if she’d been in a bed.

  The way she looked at me was almost as if she despised me. I’d never seen her actually even look at me, but she was staring hard at me before she left.

  I stood perfectly still and perfectly quiet. Derek walked around me to close the door. He came back in front of me and took my face into his hands.

  “Lissa?” he breathed.

  I blinked up at him.

  “I’m so sorry.” His breath shook. “I-I’m sorry…”

  My lips parted. I tried to find the words, but nothing came out.

  “I-I don’t know what to say. It was a mistake. I’m so sorry, Lis. Please forgive me. Can-Can you forgive me?”

  I nodded, not able to speak. I was in complete shock, but who was I not to forgive him?

  He crushed me into his chest. “Jesus, I’m sorry, Lis. I love you.” His words were rattled.

  I nodded again. I felt like a zombie. “I love you, too,” I said into his shoulder my voice monotone.

  He kissed the top of my head, again and again, apologizing.

  “Derek…” My words were muffled into his lapel. “I came here to tell you that I love you—”

  “I know. I love you, too.”

  “No, I came here to tell you I love you, but…I can’t do this…I can’t—”

  “Lis, you said you forgive me. I fucked up. It was a mistake and—”

  “No.” I pulled back to look up at him. “No, I-I do forgive you. How could I not?”

  His face contorted as he stared down at me, still holding me tightly.

  “Of course I forgive you, Derek. I’ve been doing the same thing…”

  “But I haven’t been doing this, Lis. I swear it’s the only time. We were just talking. It just happened.”

  “No, shh, Derek.” I pulled his face to mine, softly stroking his cheek. The zombie feeling had gone and I was more clear-headed. “Derek, it’s not about that.”

  He opened his eyes into mine. They were hurt, and it was like a knife to my heart.

  “Derek, I came to tell you that I didn’t choose us. I-I…” I searched for the words, but I was so horrible with saying how I felt sometimes. “I think were too far gone. We have been…for a while.” I was happy with my choice of words. It was exactly how I felt, but easy to say.

  His face softened and he nodded, his thumb stroking my bottom lip.

  “Is it…Beck?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know…” I didn’t know. Beck always confused me. I’d always had a difficult time with my thoughts when it came to him, and I wasn’t sure of anything at that moment.

  He didn’t say anything.

  “I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I didn’t want it to be like this…”

  “I know,” he said sadly, but he didn’t shed a tear. I think he knew it as much as I knew it. I think he knew it when he asked me to choose. “I’m sorry, too. This isn’t just your fault.”

  I nodded, trying to fight back the sobs. He pressed his lips to my cold forehead and held them there for what felt like forever. When he pulled away, his lips touched mine briefly, and he pulled me into a hug that was heavy with goodbyes. He held me for a long time and apologized, again, before I slipped away from him. I stared into his blue, blue eyes one last time, slid the ring off my finger and into his palm, and told him goodbye.

  It was hard to leave, and I cried to whole way down, but we’d both known it was over.

  I called Emily once I was back in the car, and she told me to come to her dorm. “Come now,” she’d said. “Don’t go anywhere else. Come talk to me and tell me what happened.”

  I was bundled up on her sofa, every blanket she owned pulled around me, as she listened to my story. I told her everything I could think of without holding back, until I just couldn’t anymore.

  I told her about how Beck kept confusing me by acting like I was upsetting him, and about how I’d decided on the way to Derek’s office that we couldn’t be together anymore, that we were too jaded, and it was over.

  “He asked if it was because of Beck,” I told her.

  “And…what’d you say?”

  “I said I didn’t’ know.”

  She nodded, dazed. “Do you still…not know?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t want to think about anything. My mind was so muddled. I just wanted to cry until it felt clear again.

  "Lis, maybe you should go talk to Beck?"

  "I can't. I don't know what to say to him. He got upset, and it confused me, and I yelled at him. It felt like something was ending, and I felt sick. I wanted to turn around and go back to him, but I didn't know what to say to him. That's what I went to tell Derek when I caught him with Olivia."

&nb
sp; "Go talk to him,” she pressed.

  "I told you, I can't." I stuffed my head under the heavy stack of blankets.

  "Well…this may be the only opportunity you have."

  I peeked out at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

  "I talked to Mik earlier. He said…Beck's leaving."

  "What? When?"

  "He's packing now."

  I considered it for a second. He was leaving…of course he was leaving. I’d known he would leave since before he came.

  "Where’s he going?"

  "New York."

  "Well, we all knew he'd leave sometime. He doesn't stay anywhere too long."

  "Mik says he stayed here longer than he's ever stayed anywhere…" she trailed off watching me intently for a reaction. I hated when she did that.

  "Well, his family is here," I told her, “of course he stayed.”

  "Lissa, I think we all know his family isn't the reason he stayed." She sounded a little irritated now. "Lis, I know you hate when I analyze you, but it's just one question this time. I just want to ask one question."

  “Okay…" I agreed, hesitantly.

  "Would you ever cheat on Beck?"

  "What?" I was thrown off by her question. That's not what I’d expected her to ask. "That's ridiculous, we aren't even together."

  "I mean, if it were Beck that you were engaged to, instead of Derek, would you have…cheated on him?"

  "No!” I blurted. The word just popped out. “I wouldn't. I-I couldn't…hurt him…" I stared off at the floor. I couldn’t even believe I’d just said that. I didn’t mind hurting Derek. What the hell was wrong with me? "That sounds so bad, because I did it to Derek…but…I wouldn't want to hurt Beck."

  A ghost of a smile crossed her lips. “You said you didn’t know what to say to him,” she spoke quietly, “maybe that's what you should tell him."

  My eyes shot around the room as I considered what she’d said. She was right! That’s what I’d tell him. He always confused me, and it was hard to think when I was around him, so I would do all the thinking on the way. I’d tell him that I would never hurt him, that I’d never have cheated on him…which would probably sound as crazy to him as it did to me.