Off Screen

by Josephine Traynor

  Favourite childhood memory. What? Going to grandma’s near the beach. Copycat. I skim his answer and flinch when I read it. I read his answer again. When my brother was given the all-clear from leukemia. I used every birthday wish for three years. Every shooting star. Every wishbone from my mother’s roasts. Every eyelash. Every dandelion and rainbow. I have never wanted anything more until about three years ago.

  My eyes water, and I use the back of my hand to wipe the juice off. Wow. I had no idea. His wish has changed. The timeline makes sense for when he started at the Academy so it makes sense that acting is his new passion.

  Five things you like about Riley. That’s funny. They aren’t the things he told me this morning. This lists that I’m punctual. I remember my lines. Arsehat. I know my lines better than he does. I can’t help but laugh before I sip from my cup. Riley makes killer coffee. Yes, I do. The crew really like it when you have doughnut Friday. I wouldn’t know, there’s never any left by the time the tray’s brought to me. Hmm. Yeah. Dick move there, Riley. And I like that you hold your own. I know no one will ever take advantage of you.

  How do you feel about Riley? Blank. He left it blank.

  How do you feel about Riley being in your space? Another blank.

  Favourite TV show. I don’t give two shits about his favourite show. I want to know the answers to the last two questions.

  Is there a history of abuse in your family? No. My family was very loving and supporting. Good. I would never wish that one my worst … well … Harrison. My parents were never physically violent towards each other, they were Olympic level in verbal abuse, though.

  I stop my cup midair, and I’m about to lower it when it dawns on me. Harrison and I are my parents. I’m history repeating. The apple and coffee threaten to come back up with this revelation. The countless times I vowed in my room while they screamed at each other that I’d never be them, falls by the wayside as I fight to hold my ground against Harrison.

  I’m sure there were times when my parents loved each other, I just never got to see that. Then when my father followed through with my mother’s request to leave, she never had a kind word to say about him. Setting my cup down, I read over the remaining notes with a lump in my throat. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when you realise you’ve become everything you despise.

  I don’t know how long I sit there thinking about my parents or when the tears fall, but the sound of Harrison’s laugh nearing the door snaps me out of memory lane.

  Harrison’s smile fades when he sees me using the back of my hand to dry my cheeks. “Riley?”

  Blinking, I turn my face away when I realise Harrison’s been followed by Tess and Clara who continue laughing as they move to the door. The room suddenly feels small, and I feel like the outsider to the joke.

  Harrison turns to the girls and tells them that it would be nicer to sit out on the veranda. “I’ll bring the coffees out.”

  Tess stops short and insists on making those damned muffins, and I suddenly my jealousy spikes. I look to Harrison and offer him a small smile.

  “I’ll make coffees, Tess can cook, you can shower, and Clara can start her judgement,” I say, but the joke falls spectacularly flat and both Clara and Tess stop laughing immediately.

  Clara looks to Tess, who now appears to be the one not included in the joke. “I’m not here to judge you,” she says quietly after Tess excuses herself, saying she has to get something from the car. “Explains why you didn’t fill in your form, though. I just have to get my bag from the car, too.”

  “You didn’t do all of your homework?” Harrison asks when we are alone, and I tell myself they aren’t ambushing me.

  “No. I didn’t.” I can’t look at him when I share my thoughts. “I only really made up my mind at the last minute to even come.” I glance at Harrison when he stands silently, but I can read every word on his face.

  “You were going to throw your career away?” he asks. “What made you change your mind?”

  Tess reappears in the doorway. “I’m really sorry,” she says. “My sister’s just called me saying she needs me. Raincheck on the muffins? Again tomorrow, Harrison?”

  Urgh. Surfing first, next they’ll be going on a date, and I don’t want to think about it anymore.

  “Nice to meet you,” I say with my best smile. “Thank you for bringing the food.”

  Tess stops and gives me a smile in return. “Was nice to meet you, too. If you want to catch a wave or see the sights, happy to show you around.”

  She didn’t give me a chance to respond before turning to leave.

  Harrison closes the door behind her and turns back to me. “And?”

  “And what? She seems lovely, be careful not to break her heart when you leave.”

  Harrison shakes his head while giving me a laugh devoid of any humour. “No. What made you change your mind?”

  Knowing Harrison like I know Harrison, he’s not going to let this go until I give him an answer. “A guy I thought I was seeing. Career. You. A number of things.” I really don’t feel like talking to him about things so I change the course of the conversation. “What time is Allan going to be here?”

  “He told me he’d be here—” He stops to check the time. “By now, actually.”

  “What’s the deal with copying my questionnaire?”

  “My answers are so beige in comparison.”

  Taking his dismissal as a reason not to talk any further about those painful questionnaires, I check the schedule sheet stuck to the fridge. I note that after five, Harrison should be free. “Was thinking of making a roast for dinner.”

  Harrison gives me a genuine smile, and I can’t help but smile back at him. As much as the situation is tense, Harrison is possibly the only person other than Lydia who has seen the real me.

  “If you’d like to join me, that is. I can get that started when I finish with fittings.”

  “I would never turn down a roast,” he says as Clara opens the door, and it’s only then that I realise how close he is to me.

  His bare chest. His damp hair, and the smell of the saltwater on his skin. Harrison turns to look at her, I take my chance to slip away to the coffee machine, and Harrison announces he’s going to have a shower.

  “I’m sorry if I offended you before, Clara. I didn’t mean to. I’m all too aware of my character defects, and when someone starts to highlight them, others come out to compensate.”

  I know all too well what therapy is like. My mother took me weekly to see my therapist after she and Dad split up. Funny how as a child, I got taken to therapy, when now the adult me is the one who needs to adjust their inadequacies. Reminding myself to see the positive side to this, I tell Clara I will fill in the form. I’ll do just about anything to distract my mind away from Harrison back in that shower.

  “I don’t remember any good memories of my parents together. Singly, sure, I have oodles, but not of them together. I honestly am digging as deep as I can and I just can’t find any.”

  Clara makes notes before asking my most loathed question. “And how did that make you feel?”

  “At the time, I hated it. He chose to leave rather than stay to be with me. Now? Now I understand completely why. He didn’t leave because of me, and as an adult now, I would never expect him to stay. Some people just aren’t meant to get along.”

  “Is that what you think about you and Harrison? You’re just not meant to get along?” When I don’t answer her straight away, she adds, “It’s not a trick question. You and Harrison have an uncanny amount of similarities.”

  I smile thinking of him copying my answers. “We are both positive ends of the magnet.”

  “Meaning you repel each other?”

  “In a way. I’ve never let my guard down to allow him a chance in. You’ve seen how he treats me, and he doesn’t know anything below the surface. He’s never wanted to get to know me. It’s been so long, I don’t know of any other way to be with him. I’m sick of fighting with him. Every day feels
like I’m going into battle. Every day is so draining. I hate to say it, but I’m my mother all over again.”

  “Your future is not set in stone,” Clara says, leaning forward. “Harrison’s here. I think this whole hate on Riley is a façade.”

  From her expression, just for a moment, I have a glimmer of hope.

  “And I would like to know how long you’ve been in love with Harrison?” she asks.

  It feels like the air has been sucked from my lungs. How did she guess my secret? “What did you say?” My voice comes out weak and small. I regard Harrison’s door in a panic and hope to hell he didn’t overhear Clara and her nosey, accurate comments.

  “I’m just exploring that maybe you don’t know how to express your feelings of love and affection, so it comes out in the form of aggression and disdain. Don’t worry, he didn’t hear us. I think we’ll leave it there. Great work today. Here’s your homework—you and Harrison can read it together. If you don’t want to do it without me here, that’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow. You have my number if you need anything.”

  Feeling sick at the thought of someone knowing how I feel about Harrison, I wonder if my mind’s playing tricks on me when I hear a noise from his bedroom.

  “Our time is up,” she says. “I don’t want you to ever fear telling me things or being honest with me, Riley. This is a great step forward in getting clarity on the situation. You never know, Harrison might be feeling the same.”

  My voice came out loud and clear then with a HA! “The only person Harrison loves is himself. There’s no extra for him to love someone else.” I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a one-way love and that’s all it will ever be.

  Thankfully Allan’s arrival with the beautician gives me space to collect my thoughts. Me knowing is one thing. Another knowing is unsettling. I scan the page Clara pushes towards me. We have to give each other breathing space. Doesn’t seem like much homework.

  Ten

  Harrison

  This cabin has to be older than I am by ten years, and the walls are paper thin. I’m exhausted from my lack of sleep and getting smashed by just about every wave, and having to keep my hands to myself from my untouchable dream woman, all my nerves are frayed. The saltwater feels good on my skin while I run Riley’s answers through my head like my lines. Moving quietly through my room as I dress, I can hear just about every word the girls say.

  “And I would like to know how long you’ve been in love with Harrison?”

  It feels like the air has been sucked from my lungs and I lunge to press my ear against the door. I can’t hear Riley’s response and I start to think I imagined it when I hear Clara speak again.

  “I’m just exploring that maybe you don’t know how to express your feelings of love and affection, so it comes out in the form of aggression and disdain.”

  The fuck we will. My fingers won’t work as I try to get into my jeans, and my jocks get caught in the zipper, and I narrowly miss pinching my delicates. “Shit.” One hard yank on the zipper frees everything, and I try again. Riley’s in love with me. I never entertained the possibility. I was certain this was a one-way love. I never thought for a second she could have those kinds of feelings for me. My head is a jumble of forbidden thoughts shifting into the hopeful. My parents always said take every opportunity like it’s never going to present itself again.

  Taking a breath to steel my nerves, I finish dressing and open the door. I look across the room, and Riley’s stoic and staring straight ahead while Clara slides a piece of paper across the table to her and then turns to me. “Harrison, I’ll see you a bit later for our session, okay?”

  “Riley?” Blink.

  Clara closes the door behind her, and I’ve never seen Riley like this. I want to ask her myself, does she have feelings for me? Not those shitty, vengeful feelings. Ones that mirror mine for her.

  “Riley?”

  Clara leaves the door open as Allan comes, and I’m about to tell him to get the fuck out. I want to hear Riley’s answer. I need to hear her say it. Allan looks from me to Riley and then back to me before announcing that it’s time to go. I won’t get my answer now. Clara says she will see me on set and then she has to head back to the city for a meeting, so our next session will be done on a conference call. This is my one chance to get guidance on how to deal with my fuck-ups.

  Allan has gone over the script again, and this has to make it the fifth time I’ve stuffed my lines up. My head is not only back with Riley, it’s also on the fact that I was using a blackhead remover as a toothpick. Serves me right for snooping. You win again, Karma. The makeup artist had her kit on display, and I saw the same long steel rod. One of the lurks, or perks, depending on how you look at it, is we have weekly facials to keep our skin in top shape.

  “Are you a dentist now?”

  She gave me a look when I reached over and picked up the tool. “You think this is for teeth?”

  My stomach rolled as she explained the true use of it. My tongue instinctively ran over my smooth gums, and I lifted my hand to cover my mouth while I gagged. Thank Christ no one saw me.

  “Hello? Earth to Harrison?” Allan calls, and I curse at myself to pay attention.

  “Day one of shooting and you have no one to blame,” Allan says, and he stops next to the car door.

  “Sorry,” I offer.

  “Get your shit together so you can get back to her,” is all he says, and I heed his words.

  I nail the next take and move on to the scenes, where thankfully, I don’t have to talk and get to do the voice dubbing later. It would seem that the writers have written two sequences for the overall honeymoon scenes. There have been rumours of the characters marrying for months, and I never thought they’d do it. A marriage is a marker for the decline in ratings. The fight is over. They think there’s no more conflict, the hero wins the girl and puts his claim on her with a ring.

  My mind wanders to Riley, and I wonder if we will pick up where we left off when I get back to the cabin. Will it be back to the old ways? Has she had her taste and doesn’t want to buy the scoop? What the fuck am I thinking?

  “Great expressions, keep going,” Allan calls.

  How do I tell her all the horrible things I’ve done? The right thing would be to tell her, but that’s just going to kill any chance of her wanting anything to do with me.

  “That’s a wrap for this scene. Whatever you are thinking, keep thinking it. Let’s get you down to the beach, and then you can break for lunch.”

  We shoot the scenes, and Allan and I talk about the whole sequence. “So yes, you’ve eloped, you’ll have to shoot the wedding scene, and then the honeymoon. They want to have a couple of options up their sleeve.”

  The production assistant brings me my phone, and I see a message from Kit asking me to ring him and a video message from the kids at the hospital showing me the surprise has arrived. I don’t want to watch it where people can ask me why there are kids’ voices on my phone, so I watch it with the volume down. They are all clambering to get in the shot and waving frantically. Even the really sick ones can give me a smile and a wave. Amy’s managed to get a shot of Toby eating his greens just like we agreed.

  I’m going to have to wait till I’m at the cabin before I can send a video message back to the kids. No one knows what I do other than the staff, along with the kids and their parents, and thankfully, they have been pretty tight-lipped about it. They know, if they make it public, then I’ll stop going.

  Clara appears and gives me a little wave when I take my plate back to the catering van.

  “How’s it going?”

  “Yeah, the shoot is good. Allan seems to be happy,” I say, while Clara shakes her head.

  “That’s great, but not what I meant.”

  I want to tell her that I know. I want to tell everyone that Riley loves me, but I just know I can’t until I hear the words from her myself.

  “From that smile, I would say things are going well,” she says.

 
; Glancing over my shoulder to check who’s around, I then lean forward to make sure only she hears me. “I know. I heard you this morning.”

  “I had a feeling you heard and I have to say, if you go in there guns blazing now, demanding she repeat her thoughts to you, you will lose any chance of being anything other than her enemy,” she says. “So how are you going to make it work? Do you think your current relationship is the foundation to build something on?”

  Fuck no. “I hate our relationship but really like her. What we have is so frustrating.”

  “So change the relationship to match your feelings. The way to do that is be honest about what you want and how you feel.”

  Yeah, about that honesty part, there are some things I think I’m going to have to keep in the dark depths. That reminds me, I have to ring Kit back and see what he wants. “Action is what is going to get her to see that I’m not going to be the way I was.”

  “Sounds like a great plan.”

  “I do have one concern. She wrote on her questionnaire that she has a history of abuse …” I trail off.

  Clara rests her hand on my forearm. “It’s best you ask Riley about that. I’m happy to convene the conversation, but information like that really needs to be revealed by her.”

  Seeing that Clara won’t talk about Riley’s information, that soul-eating feeling about what I’ve done to her previously starts to fester.

  “What is it?” she asks. “You look like you have something to say.”

  I do. “Nope. I don’t.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Nope. “Yes.” I’ve never been so close to telling someone what I’ve been doing. Kit only knows about his involvement in his set-up. He doesn’t know about me calling the paps.

  “I would like to sit down with you,” she starts. “Somewhere private.”

  I make sure I’m disconnected from my remote microphone, and we settle on a secluded space on the beach, sitting on the rocks. If anyone does come near us, they won’t be able to hear us over the waves. Clara asks me to hit her with it, so I do. I offload the years of pranks, the comments, the inappropriateness. Once the floodgates are open, I’m bringing up things I’d long forgotten about. Reliving some of those moments makes me laugh, and now that I have hindsight to give me twenty-twenty vision, I can see they were downright cruel.