Gwyneth hesitated, but then nodded, a faint smile showing on her face. Lizzy gently guided her hand to where she’d felt the movement, and looked into her mother’s eyes expectantly as they waited for another movement. Lizzy’s smile grew wider as her mother’s eyes widened and glistened.
They sat together in warm silence, and for the first time in a long time, Lizzy felt close to her mother.
Chapter Five
“When will father be home?” Lizzy asked her mother as she and Gwyneth sat in the sun room drinking tea.
“He’s away on business for the night, so he won’t be back until tomorrow evening.”
Lizzy let out aa huge breath, and her body relaxed. “I’m not looking forward to seeing him, but at least I’ve got another day to prepare.”
“He’s not that bad, Elizabeth. He really does love you.”
“He’s got a funny way of showing it.” Lizzy stood and walked to the window. The clouds had cleared and the late afternoon sun cast shadows over the fields, throwing a yellow tinge over the whole vista. She glimpsed a rider on a horse in the distance bobbing up and down. It’d be nice to go for a ride, but now wouldn’t be the right time. She caressed her baby, and wondered what Daniel was doing.
“I’ll get your bags taken up to your room,” Gwyneth said as she joined Lizzy at the window.
As Lizzy sat on the bed, she recalled the last time she’d been in this room. Daniel had been so angry with her father that night. Why couldn’t he have just let it go? She fingered the heavy brocade bedspread her mother had bought when she was ten as her mind drifted. Things might have been so much different if they hadn’t come that day and had gone straight to Sal’s instead. But they had come, and she couldn’t turn the clock back.
She’d call Nessa in the morning for any word on Daniel. In the meantime, she needed to unpack.
“You look nice, dear.” Gwyneth looked up as Lizzy came downstairs a little while later. Wearing a light blue smock with herringbone embroidery on the bodice and a pair of white maternity slacks, Lizzy was self-conscious under her mother’s watchful eye. “You must have bought a whole new wardrobe.”
“Kind of. Nessa, that’s Daniel’s cousin, lent me some of her maternity clothes, so I didn’t need to buy everything.” Lizzy took a seat on a stool at the breakfast bar as Gwyneth peeled some potatoes. “Can I help?”
“No, but thanks for asking, dear. I wasn’t going to bother cooking for myself, but now you’re here, I thought I should.” Gwyneth put down the peeler and walked to the sink. Her dark brown hair was done neatly in a bun as it had been for as long as Lizzy could remember, but the tinge of grey was new.
“It was a shock seeing you at that door, Elizabeth. I’m glad you came, though.” Gwyneth wiped her hands on a towel and then walked back to where Lizzy was seated before placing her hand lightly on Lizzy’s shoulder. “Are you really alright, Elizabeth?”
Lizzy lifted her head and looked into her mother’s eyes, and for the first time in a long time she saw the mother she remembered from childhood. The mother who she’d snuggled up to every night as she listened to the Bible stories Gwyneth read to her and Jonathon, the mother who waged battle with Lizzy’s unruly hair every morning before school, and the mother who used to hug her and make her feel loved.
Maybe she hadn’t changed that much after all.
Lizzy shrugged and tried to hold back the tears that welled up behind her eyes. “It wasn’t meant to be like this. Daniel is a great guy, he’s just got a few problems. I’m praying he’ll sort them out and I can go back before the baby comes.”
“And what if he doesn’t?”
Lizzy’s mind raced. She hadn’t really thought that far. No, he had to sort himself out. There was no option.
She held her mother’s gaze. “He will. I’m sure of it.”
“Your father won’t want you to go back. I’m sure of that.”
“What’s with Father? Why is he so horrible to everyone?”
Gwyneth walked back to the counter, and picking up a knife, began to slice the vegetables. “He’s a hard man to understand, Elizabeth, but most of what you see is just a front. He worries too much what people think, but that’s because he’s never felt as if he belongs here. You know he got left this estate by a distant relative?” Gwyneth stopped slicing and looked up.
Lizzy nodded and encouraged her to continue.
“Well, what you probably don’t know is that before he inherited the estate, he had very little. No job, no money, no name. His parents lived in the poorest part of Exeter, and worked at whatever jobs they could find. His father signed up for the war, but came home a broken man. He took up drinking and became a recluse. Your father left home soon after. Both his parents died within a few years of each other.”
Gwyneth walked over and picked up the kettle. “Another cup of tea?”
“That would be nice, thanks Mother.”
“Your father was only twenty-three when his great uncle Sydney died and left him the estate. He didn’t really know the man. He’d only met him once or twice when he was young, but Sydney had never married, and had no family apart from your father. When your father came to live here, he had to learn the ways of the privileged very quickly, but he’s always felt like an outsider, trying to justify his position. He still feels like that, although he hides it well.
Lizzy took the hot tea from her mother and took a sip.
“That explains a lot, but not why he’s so distant from us. You’d think he’d relax when he’s at home.
“I think he’s tried so hard to be someone he’s not, he’s forgotten who he is.” Gwyneth wore a faraway look on her face, and Lizzy’s heart went out to her.
“That must have been difficult for you, Mother. I know it was for Jonathon and me growing up. It still is.”
“Oh, I’ve just come to accept that’s the way he is.” Gwyneth returned to her vegetables.
Lizzy looked up and tilted her head. “How did he get the name, ‘Walton-Smythe’? Surely that wasn’t his parents’ name?”
“Ah yes. I always wondered when you’d ask about that. When your father inherited, his last name was just plain old ‘Walton’, but Sydney’s last name was ‘Smythe’. Your father thought if he combined the two, he’d have a better chance of being accepted, so he changed his name by Deed Poll.”
Lizzy chuckled, and her eyes lit up. “Funny that. You know I went by plain ‘Miss Walton’ at school?”
Gwyneth shook her head and looked up, knife in hand. “Really? Why did you do that?”
“I would have been given a really hard time by the other teachers and most of the children if I’d kept my full name. You don’t know what it’s like up there, Mother. It’s a different world.”
“I guess I don’t.” Gwyneth put the knife down and looked Lizzy in the eye. “Elizabeth, what was the real reason you chose to move up there?”
Lizzy gulped and looked away. This was getting a bit too close to home now.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Gwyneth tilted her head. “But did it have something to do with Mathew Carter?”
Lizzy swung her head around. How had her mother guessed? She sighed with resignation and nodded. “Yes. It was mainly because of him. I couldn’t get over him, as much as I tried, so I thought the further away I could get the better. It drove me crazy being in the same town as him, and seeing him almost every other day. I had to go.”
“Do you regret it?”
Oh God. How do I answer this? Since when has my mother asked me such personal questions? Lizzy folded her arms and leaned back on the stool.
“I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if I’d stayed. I probably would’ve been sent to a local school, and I’d still be pining after him.” Lizzy rubbed the back of her neck and inhaled deeply before looking up. “He still hasn’t got another girlfriend, you know.”
“No, I didn’t know that.”
Lizzy glanced out the window and reigned her thoughts in befor
e turning back to her mother.
“To answer your question - I needed to get away, so no, I don’t regret it. I just wish he’d never broken it off.” Lizzy’s voice wavered as she spoke.
“Your poor girl. I had no idea it had affected you so much.” Gwyneth’s gentle caring tone tugged at Lizzy’s heart.
“Tell me, dear, did you love Daniel when you married him?”
Lizzy’s shoulders dropped. Why was she asking all these questions? How could she answer that?
An awkward silence hung between them.
Lizzy gulped and took a deep breath.
“That’s difficult to answer, Mother. If you mean, was he all I ever thought of, and did he turn my night into day, kind of.” She paused and looked out the window. “But I think, no, I know, I would have chosen Mathew over Daniel if I’d had the choice. I didn’t, so I chose to love and marry Daniel.” Was she really saying this to her mother? How could this be?
“Love is something you choose to do, so I’m learning, even when you don’t feel like it. But I’m guessing you know all about that?” Lizzy lifted her eyes and looked directly into her mother’s.
Gwyneth had tears in her eyes. Lizzy had been right. Her mother had chosen to love her father, despite everything. Lizzy leaned forward and reached out her hand to her mother, as tears welled up in her own eyes.
“Look at us! What a pair! Just as well Father’s not coming home tonight.” Lizzy pulled a tissue out of her pocket and wiped her face, as her mother reached for the tissue box on the kitchen bench and did the same.
“How did you get to be so wise, Elizabeth?”
Lizzy frowned and shook her head. “I’m not wise. I’ve made some really stupid decisions.”
“We all have, Elizabeth.” Gwyneth drew in a long breath, and straightened herself. “You’re a strong girl. It won’t be easy, but if you’ve chosen to love him, that’s half the battle.”
Lizzy’s lips tightened. If only that was true. She let out a breath.
“Maybe you’re right, Mother. I hope so.” Lizzy picked up her tea and took a sip. “I wonder what Daniel’s doing now?”
“Is there anyone you can call to find out?”
“I asked Nessa to keep an eye on him. I thought I’d call in the morning, but maybe I could call now.”
“Go ahead, dear. You know where the telephone is.”
Chapter Six
The phone rang while Nessa was bathing two year old Cindy and three year Jake. Leaving the children for a moment, she grabbed the phone and answered it, all the while keeping one eye on the shenanigans going on in the bath.
Nessa’s eyes widened at Lizzy’s voice. “Lizzy! How are you? I’ve been thinking about you all the time.”
“I’m okay, Nessa. Oh, not really. I can’t stopping wondering how Daniel is and what he’s doing. Have you seen him?”
Nessa glared at the children who’d just tipped water all over the floor and were giggling about it. “Sit down you two! Not you, Liz - Jake and Cindy are in the bath, and they’re standing up pouring water everywhere.”
“Sorry to have caught you at a bad time, Ness. I can call back later.”
“No, it’s fine. They’re just doing what they normally do. I’m just going to ignore them.” Nessa leaned against the door but kept one eye on the two young children. “Riley went out last night looking for Daniel, and found him at Johnno’s.” She stopped. How much should she say? She grimaced as her mind raced through the options. How to tell her without telling her… she gulped before continuing. “He wasn’t drunk, but he wasn’t quite with it.”
“What do you mean? What was he doing?” Nessa cringed at the despair in Lizzy’s voice, but wanted to protect her from the truth if she could. Lizzy could do without hearing that her husband was stoned out of his brain.
“Riley said that Daniel thinks you’ve left for good, but it’s just his initial reaction. He’s obviously in shock. Give him some time, sweetie. We’ll keep a good watch on him, don’t worry about that. Hopefully he’ll come to his senses quickly - for your sake and the baby’s.”
“I hope so too, Ness. I feel really bad about leaving him the way I did, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
Nessa jumped as one of the children poured water on the floor, splashing her. She glared at them, but they just giggled. Why did they always misbehave when she couldn’t do much about it?
“You did the right thing, Liz. He needed a shake-up, and if this doesn’t do the trick, I don’t know what will. So, where are you? I’m guessing you went south?” Nessa grabbed the bath toys out of the bath to noisy cries by the two children.
“I’d rather not say, Ness. Then you won’t have to lie to Daniel if he asks. I’ll ring every couple of days if that’s okay?”
“Yes, poppet. No problem at all. We’re both praying for you, Liz. Hang in there.”
Lizzy took a few moments to ponder Nessa’s words before returning to the kitchen. What did Nessa mean? ‘Not quite with it?’ What was he doing? At least Riley had found him. That was something. She’d just have to keep praying, and trust that God would work in his life, ‘but sooner rather than later would be good, please God.’
Lizzy wandered back into the kitchen, only to find that her mother was no longer there. Dinner was in the oven, and smelled good. She opened the back door, grabbed a jacket from the hook, and stepped outside. The sunset had faded to a gentle line of orange on the horizon, and directly overhead, stars were starting to appear in the sky. She pulled her jacket tighter as she breathed in the cool evening air.
So many things to take in. She walked along the path through the vegetable garden and found the seat where Daniel had found her the first time she’d brought him here. The day he’d proposed. It’d been so simple back then. Daniel’s exuberant personality had taken her mind off Mathew and helped her forget him. But why hadn’t she taken the time to get to know Daniel properly before making such a huge commitment? She was paying the price for that oversight now.
Lizzy sighed and gazed at the darkening sky, its beauty drawing her focus to its creator.
‘Oh God, creator of heaven and earth, I come to you with a heavy heart. Please help me. You know I’m committed to Daniel, but I can’t live with him the way he is. God, please let him open his heart to you. May he come to know the breadth and depth of your love. Soften his heart, Lord, I pray. And Lord, do whatever You need in my life to make me a better person and a better wife. Let the fruit of your spirit grow in me, Lord, I pray. I really do want to be like You, but I know I fail so often. Please forgive me and breathe your spirit into my life.’
She paused and gazed at the night sky, now strewn with a myriad of stars glittering and twinkling like polished diamonds, and her thoughts drifted to her parents, and the story her mother had told her. ‘Lord, thank you for helping me understand my parents a little better. Help me love my father, and to not get upset with him when he says hurtful things. Help me show him your love. And thanks for my mother. Seems she’s a lot stronger than I ever thought she was.’ Lizzy chuckled and her heart softened further as she recalled her mother’s tears.
‘Oh God, thank you for loving me, and for bringing me into your kingdom. Please give me strength and wisdom for the days ahead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.’
As Lizzy continued gazing at the night sky, breathing in the perfume from the lavender growing around the seat, she was at peace with herself and with God.
After dinner, Lizzy and her mother sat in the main living room together, Lizzy flicking through old photo albums and her mother reading a novel. Duchess, Gwyneth’s much loved Persian cat, purred gently on her owner’s lap.
Lizzy, leaning on a pile of cushions, tucked her feet under her body and took a trip down memory lane. She smiled at the old black and white photos of her and Jonathon dressed up in their Sunday best outfits when they were only about five or six. Her long white socks with frills around the elastic tops, and the pretty yellow dress with the huge sash around the middle. And her h
air! What did she look like! The matching yellow ribbons in her pigtails brought a smile to her face. But even then, Father had been so stern. She studied a photo of him standing with Mother. His face was unsmiling and so hard. How had Mother ever loved him?
Lizzy kept turning page after page, stopping every now and then to take a closer look, and putting one album back and replacing it with yet another and another. As she picked up an older looking one, a piece of note paper poked out between the pages. She opened the album to that page and looked at the photos.
She leaned closer. They were photos of Father when he was much younger, but he was with another woman. And they appeared to be taken in Exeter. She recognised some of the buildings and the surroundings, and there was one taken in front of the same church that she and Sal went to when they were at University. She didn’t know her father had gone there. And who was the woman? Lizzy glanced at Gwyneth, but as she was engrossed in her book, Lizzy didn’t interrupt her, and kept flicking through the pages.
The photos showed that her father and this woman had been close. And her father looked different. In some of the photos, he was actually smiling. Smiling! Had she ever seen him smile? It must have been before he inherited, when he was just plain old Roger Walton.
She fingered the note paper. It had that old world look and feel about it, slightly discoloured and quite thin and fragile. Dare she open it? Even years later, it exuded a slight perfume, suggesting it may have been a note from this woman. Lizzy breathed deeply and her hands shook a little as she carefully opened it. The writing was old fashioned but very neat, and although faded, was just legible. Her heart beat faster as she sat up and began to read…
Dear Roger,
My heart weeps as I write this. I don’t even know if I can put into words how I feel, but I’ll try. To say I was devastated when you broke our engagement is an understatement.
We had such grand plans, you and I. I loved you so much, Roger, and I thought you loved me. But you changed. Sadly, you’re no longer the man I fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Inheriting that estate changed you, and not for the better, I’m sorry to say.
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