The Shadows Trilogy Box Set: A Christian Romance

by Juliette Duncan

  “I could blame the drink, but I won’t.” He paused, a far-away look in his eyes. Turning his head and looking directly at Daniel, he continued, “I was a bully, and the drink just made it worse. It’s a pity I didn’t see the light earlier, son. All those years, wasted.” His eyes watered. Daniel gulped.

  “You probably won’t believe me when I say I’m sorry, son. And I don’t blame you, but I am sorry. I don’t deserve to be your Da.”

  Da was apologising? No way. Words like that could never come out of that drunkard’s mouth. But it certainly sounded like it.

  Daniel's heart thumped. Unable to move, let alone speak, he had to respond. But what would he say? ‘It’s okay, Da, what you did is forgiven and forgotten? Beating Mam until she couldn’t move was nothing - it’s okay?’ No, he wasn’t ready to forgive and forget. Maybe he never would be. How could God ever expect him to do that?

  “I’m sorry, I can’t cope with this. I need to go.” Daniel stood. Backing away, he cast another look at the emaciated stranger lying in the bed before fleeing for the sanctuary of the corridor.

  What would Lizzy think? He’d let her down, but there was no way he’d let Da off that lightly. Da had destroyed their family, and now he says sorry, and it should be okay? What a load of shite. ‘Sorry God, I didn’t mean that.’

  Daniel reached inside his pocket and took out a cigarette, ignoring the ‘No Smoking’ sign on the wall. His hands shook so much he had trouble lighting up. The first drag helped to calm him, and he inhaled slowly. He caught sight of Caleb coming out of the room and turned away. He’d let Caleb down too. He really was a failure.

  “Hey there, Danny.” Caleb placed his hand gently on Daniel’s shoulder.

  Daniel shrugged it off. “Just leave it, okay? I couldn’t do it.” He took another drag of his cigarette. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “No problem, Danny.”

  So annoying how cool Caleb is about everything.

  “Want to get a drink?”

  Daniel shrugged. He couldn’t care less. He’d blown it, and all he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide. Or punch someone. Da, probably. That pathetic git of a man. How dare he apologise!

  Caleb started the car and drove a short distance before pulling up in front of a snack bar.

  “This do?”

  “Guess so.” A pub would be better.

  Daniel climbed out of the car and followed Caleb inside.

  “What’ll it be?” The young girl behind the counter stood waiting, chewing gum and looking bored.

  “A chocolate milkshake and a pastie for me. How about you, Danny?”

  He didn’t care. But no use taking his frustration out on Caleb and this girl. Sighing, he pulled himself together.

  “The same, thanks.”

  Daniel followed Caleb to a table in the corner of the shop. He leaned back and crossed his arms, staring at the grubby red and white plastic tablecloth.

  “It was a shock, wasn’t it, seeing him like that?”

  Daniel glanced up and considered his reply. Not only had Da changed, but Caleb had too. It’d been a mistake coming back. He didn’t know any of his family anymore. Lizzy and Dillon were his family now - he should be with them. But how could he face Lizzy? He’d failed. Let her down. Let God down. Let himself down.

  He lowered his head and squeezed back the tears stinging his eyes. It was too much. Paul had told him to face his challenges head on, and to lean on God for strength and wisdom. He thought he’d tried. Maybe he hadn’t truly let go. He’d been so determined to hate Da. But that’s not what God wanted, of that Daniel was now certain. But it rankled so much. He clenched his fists. What right did Da have to come back and upend everything? That git’s intrusion into his new life with Lizzy and Dillon wasn’t welcome. But it was real, and had to be faced. Daniel took a deep breath and looked up.

  “Yes.” Daniel held Caleb’s gaze. “You warned me, but I didn’t believe you. That man wasn’t Da.”

  “You’re right. He’s not the Da we remember, that’s for sure.” Caleb lifted his gaze to the young girl placing the milkshakes and pasties on the table. “Thank you, love.”

  She smiled and walked away slowly, her hips swaggering a little too much.

  “You’d better tell me about him. Now I’ve seen him for myself, I need to know how he got to be like that so I can try to understand.” Daniel sat straighter in his seat.

  “No problem.” Caleb took a long suck of his milkshake. “After he left, he hit the grog pretty hard, and he can’t remember much of those years. He lived on the streets mainly, and was in and out of rehab, but he always went back to the bottle.” Caleb took another slurp before continuing. “About twelve months ago a street worker took an interest in him and convinced him to dry out for good. Not sure how it happened, but I guess Da was sick of his life, and agreed to go to the centre. They helped him get off the grog for good. He said it was the hardest thing he’s ever done, and he almost gave in, but he’s been off the drink now for almost a year. Sometime during all that, he found God.”

  Daniel shook his head and glanced out the window before looking back to Caleb. He narrowed his eyes and sighed.

  “That’s what I don’t understand. How can a person who’s lived a life like that, who beat his wife and kids, and has been a drunk all his life, suddenly say they’ve found God, and then everything’s supposed to be okay?”

  “That’s exactly what Grace says. She won’t accept he’s changed. I keep telling her to check for herself, but she won’t. But you saw him. He’s different. You can’t deny that.”

  No, Daniel couldn’t deny Da was different. But it might be a put on. He didn’t trust the man.

  “I don’t buy it. He was certainly different. But I reckon he could be faking it. He must want something.”

  Caleb shook his head. “I don’t think he does. I’ve been seeing him now for a few months and haven’t noticed anything to make me think he’s pretending. He really does seem genuine.”

  “So we’re supposed to say it’s alright, and let him back into our lives, after all he did?”

  Caleb took a deep breath and held Daniel’s gaze.

  “I can’t tell you what you should do, Danny, but that’s what I’ve done. As a Christian, I believe God wants me to do that. Especially since Da’s asked for our forgiveness, and he seems to genuinely mean it. It’d be wrong of me to not forgive him.”

  That’s exactly what Lizzy said I should do. Daniel sighed heavily.

  “I’m not ready to forgive, Caleb. I’m sorry. Maybe because I’m a new Christian and I’m still learning, but it’s all too quick. I don’t see how a person can just say they’re sorry and then get let off the hook for everything they’ve done.”

  “But isn’t that what happened when we became Christians? We’re all guilty of bad stuff, Danny, but God forgave us, regardless of what we’d done. There really isn’t any difference. And besides, he’s already paid a hefty price. He lost his family.”

  “But how do we know he means it?”

  “We don’t. Only God knows what’s in a man’s heart. But we’re in the wrong if we don’t forgive.”

  Caleb was right. But he couldn’t do it. Not yet.

  “I need a smoke.”

  Caleb pushed his chair back. “Let’s take a walk along the river.”

  Strolling along the edge of the River Lagan, memories of when he and Colin came down here as lads flitted once again through Daniel’s mind. Last he’d heard, Colin had left the estate and moved to the other side of town. Maybe he should look Colin up – shouldn’t be that hard to find him.

  “Just like old times, hey Danny?”

  Daniel turned his head and caught Caleb’s eyes before letting out a small chuckle.

  “Yeah. Nothing much has changed.” Daniel opened his cigarette packet and offered one to Caleb.

  Caleb hesitated, but then took one. “Caity won’t be happy.” He leaned forward while Daniel lit it for him.

  “Specia
l occasion.” A slow grin grew on Daniel’s face.

  Caleb chuckled, his whole face expanding into a beaming smile. “Yes, it is.” He threw his arm around Daniel’s shoulders.

  “So what’s it like being back?”

  Daniel exhaled slowly, blowing puffs of smoke into the air.

  “Strange. Very strange. Not sure what to make of it all, to be honest. Have you ever thought of leaving?”

  “Nah. Too hard. And Caity wouldn’t leave her family. Can’t imagine living anywhere else.”

  “Don’t know I could move back. Too many memories.” Daniel took a long drag on his cigarette and stared at the river. A barge, laden with assorted drums, chugged slowly upstream towards the city docks.

  “You’ve done good for yourself, Danny. Looks like you’ve landed on your feet. Lizzy’s something special.”

  Daniel laughed and shook his head. “I’m still amazed she married me.”

  “Look after her, man. She’s a good one.”

  “You’re telling me? I almost lost her. I was an eejit. You know, I could’ve easily turned out like Da.” Daniel gulped. The image of Da’s emaciated body sent a shiver down his spine. Would have been him in years to come if God hadn’t touched his life when He did. If only Da had ‘seen the light’ earlier.

  A wave of pity floated over Daniel’s heart and tugged at his conscience. Maybe he should go back and see Da. Daniel took a deep breath. Tomorrow. Maybe.

  “Come on, man. Let’s get back to our girls.” Caleb clapped his hand on Daniel’s back.

  Daniel stubbed out his cigarette and nodded. God was at work, but would he have the strength to do what was being asked of him?

  Passing a bin, Daniel took the packet of cigarettes from his pocket and threw it in. “There weren’t many left anyway.”

  Chapter Eight

  As Daniel entered the living room, Lizzy studied him carefully. Had it gone well? She’d hoped Daniel would be relaxed and happy, but he walked slowly, his shoulders sagging, and his eyes dull. Lizzy’s heart fell. There it was again. She’d expected everything to be sorted straight away. When would she learn? Hadn’t she prayed that God would let him go at his own speed?

  Her heart ached for him. She walked towards him, and brushing the hair from his forehead with her fingertips, placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

  “Are you okay?” Lizzy searched Daniel’s eyes, trying to read what was going on inside him.

  Daniel placed his hands on her hips and held her gaze.

  “Getting there. Slowly.” Pulling her close, he hugged her tightly. The tension in his body eased as she caressed his back with her fingertips.

  “Thank you, Liz.” He pulled away and held her at arm’s length. Her pulse quickened as he leaned forward and kissed her.

  Caitlin appeared from the kitchen holding two mugs of steaming hot coffee.

  “Oh, I’m sorry! Didn’t mean to interrupt… just thought you might like these.” She let out a small laugh as she placed the mugs on the coffee table.

  “Thanks Caity.” Lizzy smiled fondly, and then, after taking a deep breath to steady herself, moved away from Daniel and picked Dillon up from his bouncer.

  “Any plans for the rest of the day?” Caleb asked of no-one in particular.

  “We can catch a bus into town and show Lizzy the city.” Caitlin pulled the curtain back and glanced out the window. “The weather's not too bad.”

  Lizzy looked at Daniel and lifted her eyebrow. Was it safe to wander around Belfast? Hadn’t he said there was still trouble?

  Daniel turned his head to Caitlin. “Sounds good, Caitlin, but Lizzy’s worried about how safe it is.”

  Lizzy narrowed her eyes and glared at him. “Daniel! Thanks for that!”

  Caitlin chuckled. “It’s okay, Lizzy. Most people think that way. It’s true. There are problem areas, and you do have to be careful, but generally, everyone just goes about their business as normal. Promise we’ll bring you home in one piece.”

  Lizzy smiled, relieved offense hadn’t been taken. “That would be nice, then. I’d like to see Belfast. Have I got time to feed Dillon?”

  “Yes, go ahead. Easier to feed him here,” Caitlin replied with another chuckle. “I’ll get the girls ready while you sort him.”

  Half an hour later, the group stood at the bus stop at the end of the street. Lizzy’s heart warmed at the sight of Daniel carrying Dillon in a pouch on his front. You couldn’t ask for a more doting father. Daniel loved Dillon with all his heart. Almost too much, if that were possible. Memories of little baby Rachel must be floating through his mind now he was back here, near where he’d lived with her and Ciara all those years ago. Nessa said Daniel had doted on the baby girl too, but rarely since Dillon’s birth had he mentioned her. Would he say anything about them? Would he point out the house where they lived? Would he want to visit their graves?

  His mind must be a jumble of thoughts and memories. Lizzy took his hand as they sat together in the bus and leaned in close. She caught his eye and smiled. This trip was good for him. Confronting the past and letting go of all the hurt and sadness would free him to move forward if he allowed God in. She prayed he would, but in his time, not mine… That was the difficult bit.

  If only the visit with his Da had gone better. But at least Daniel had said he might go back again tomorrow. That was promising. Warmth radiated through Lizzy’s body, and she smiled to herself. Life was good. She gazed out the window and took in the run down area they were passing through. They’d had such different upbringings, she and Daniel. But it could have been so different. It was only Father’s inheritance that had resulted in her being brought up with privilege. In fact, if he hadn’t inherited, Father probably would have married Mathew’s mother. What a strange thought! Really weird how things happen. How just a moment in time can change everything.

  Lizzy’s musings came to an abrupt end when the bus driver slammed on the brakes, throwing all the passengers forward in their seats. She held on tightly as the tyres squealed and the bus skidded out of control. Her heart thumped, waiting for the bus to come to a stop. When it did, the sound of shattering glass and passengers’ screams sickened her. Throughout the bus, pandemonium reigned.

  Her head hurt. She reached up and touched it. Must have hit the steel bar on the seat in front. A huge lump had appeared, but apart from that, she was okay. No broken bones or blood. She reached over to Daniel. Blood oozed from his head.

  Lizzy’s heart raced. “Daniel! Are you alright?” She wrapped her arms around him. He has to be. How could this have happened?

  Daniel reached up slowly and felt his head. When he pulled his hand away, it was covered in blood.

  “Here, take this. Hold it against your head.” Lizzy handed him one of Dillon’s nappies and helped him press it against his temple. Dillon was screaming. How he hadn’t been hurt was a miracle. Daniel must have shielded him, but he wasn’t responding now to Dillon at all. Daniel just sat, staring ahead in a daze. Lizzy helped him sit back in the seat and carefully extracted Dillon from the pouch.

  “Oh my little man.” Lizzy showered Dillon with kisses and tried to calm him. His little face was distraught. “It’s okay, Dillon. There, there. We’re safe.” Lizzy cradled him in her arms and rocked him back and forth, gently caressing his head with her hand. Her heart raced, but she had to hold herself together for his sake.

  In the few moments Lizzy had spent settling Dillon, Daniel had recovered and had moved forward to check on Caleb, Caitlin and the girls. Lizzy inched her way across the seat to reach them as well. Sirens wailing in the distance sent shivers through her body. Glass was strewn everywhere. She had to be careful. When she finally managed to pull herself forward, what she saw made her ill. The front of the bus had crumpled, and she couldn’t see the passengers in the front seat. Tara and Imogen had been in those seats.

  Caitlin crawled on hands and knees through the debris, trying to reach the girls. Lizzy's heart went out to her. She couldn’t imagine the terror Caitlin wou
ld be feeling. Caleb was in front, Lizzy could just see his back. At least they were okay. But what about the girls?

  “Daniel...” Lizzy held her hand out. When he turned, her eyes sought his. She needed his arms around her. He inched his way back and pulled her tight. She sobbed into his chest. “Thank you.” Lizzy tilted her head and searched his eyes. “Are the girls okay?”

  Daniel’s eyes held grave concern. “I don’t know, Liz. It doesn’t look good.”

  Lizzy pushed back her tears, her stomach clenched with dread. She took a deep breath. “Let’s go to them, Daniel.” She glanced forward to Caitlin and Caleb who were both reaching into the space on the floor under the seat where Tara and Imogen had been sitting.

  The wail from Caitlin sent chills through Lizzy’s spine. No, God. Please no. Let them be okay.

  Lizzy grabbed Daniel’s hand tighter as they made their way together through the debris strewn all around. Caitlin sat on the floor, reaching out to Imogen who lay on the floor under the seat, limp, lifeless and covered in blood. Caleb held Tara in his arms. Her eyes were open, but her face was bruised and bloody.

  Lizzy bent down and wrapped her free arm around Caitlin’s shoulders and prayed. “Oh God, be with Caity and precious little Imogen. Comfort her, I pray. Wrap them in Your arms. Oh God, please help them. Give them strength.”

  The wail of sirens stopped, and a woman in a blue uniform appeared. She moved Caitlin out of the way and reached for Imogen. The woman glanced back at her partner and yelled for oxygen. Gaining access, the paramedic felt for a pulse.

  Lizzy reached for Caitlin’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

  “Stay positive, Caity,” Lizzy whispered into her ear. Oh God, let Imogen be okay.

  The paramedic worked on Imogen as Lizzy held Caitlin tightly. Daniel reached down and took Dillon. Lizzy caught his eyes and unspoken words passed between them, memories of Daniel’s near death experience so fresh in her mind. As the paramedics worked, time stood still as life and death hung in the balance.

  All around, other passengers tried to escape the wrecked bus, some on their own and others with help, but for Lizzy and Caitlin, the only thing they heard were the words of the paramedic, “She’s going to be alright.”