Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga

by Harmon Cooper

  “A check for how many days?”

  “How long have we been associates? Three or four days now?” He counts on his fingers for a moment. “Okay, there was the first day at the Hills of Hilshire. The second day in Aramis. The third day at the zombie kill-for-all and the betrayal. Okay, four days. This is the fourth day. It was a check for the ad reads and stream views from just before our first meeting to the fight last night. Do you want me to transfer the rupees to my fan?”

  “Yes, please,” Ryuk says, “and if you want to keep track of guild finances, by all means. That’s a lot of rupees!”

  “It won’t always be this high of a payment. TwitchTube Red included a 25% bonus for having so many unique views in such a short time.”

  “I see. Well transfer it, before he-who-shall-not-be-named gets word.”

  “Done. Zaena updated me on everything that happened last night. I ran a few polls from my fans and they are suggesting we land in the city of Talini. The people that inhabit that city are the same people who built the catacombs beneath Porthos. They’ll know something, although they are notoriously religious and pretty uptight.”

  “Been there,” Ryuk says, recalling the people prostrating around a stupa with a square top. The Talinians would prostrate themselves for several days straight, ripping up their arms and legs.

  “My guess is that we’ll likely have to do a quest for them to cough up the info we need. At least we’ll get some levels by doing so and explore Polynya, another plus. Anything else we need to discuss before I go live again?”

  Ryuk moves closer to FeeTwix and speaks in a low voice. “We have sensitive information we need to protect. The Shinigami, or whoever else is trying to come to our world, doesn’t seem to know about coming through a humandroid’s body.”

  FeeTwix raises an eyebrow. “I’d forgotten about that myself.”

  “We didn’t tell Tamana, thankfully, but we need to be careful who we disclose this information to. Our main goal needs to be to get in touch with the Knights, and not just any of them – with their leader, Sophia.”

  “We’ll get their attention,” FeeTwix says with a grin. “Just get me in the city and let me do the rest. I already have fans there willing to help out, if we want to go that route. Now, for the goblin!” His eyes flash black. “Hey, everyone! Okay, reading through some of your responses, okay, yes, good idea. Hot water? No way. The room already reeks. Leave the goblin here? Not a bad idea, but he has been useful in the past, I think.” FeeTwix looks to Zaena who shrugs.

  “What the fick are you going on about, Twixy?” Hiccup stands in the doorway armored up with his golden helm tucked under his arm. His pink hair is slicked back over his head and his mechanical arm gleams as if it’s been polished. He yawns and burps at the same time, which throws him off balance.

  “Hiya, Hiccup!” FeeTwix shoots the goblin his biggest shit-eating grin. “Good news! The Fickers, aka your fan club, have reached thirty-three thousand members, just like you told them to do yesterday!”

  The goblin narrows his eyes at the Swede, and as he does, he brings his finger to his nose and digs around for a moment. “Come again?”

  FeeTwix clears his throat. “Remember yesterday? You said you wanted thirty-three thousand members, and boy fick, here they are!”

  “Boy fick? What did I tell you about stealing my line, Twixy? If the Fickers really want to impress me, they’d bring their numbers up to fifty thousand. If they really, really wanted to impress me, they’d stop watching your feed and go out there and get themselves a piece of prime cooter.”

  “You heard the goblin! Bring those numbers up to fifty thousand and get yourselves some cooter!”

  Hiccup pinches the bridge of his nose for a second, doing his best to hold in his early morning disdain. He points his brass finger at Jim, who has just exited the back room, and gives him the lasso signal. “Get our fickin’ breakfast to go, Jimmy. Two dozen dragon wings with garlic honey pepper spice this time. There’s an airship going out at the Morning Hour of the Faun and the captain owes me a favor. And one more thing.”

  Hiccup moves his brass finger from Ryuk to Zaena to FeeTwix.

  “When we find Tammy and New Marbles, I get to be the one that kills New Marbles. We clear here? Sure, our Marbles here probably wants revenge, but that kiddy ficker exploded my head and I’ll be damned if I ever die that way again! I’ve been having ficked up nightmares all night, believe you me.” His eyes flash with concern as he mumbles, “Fickin’ hell if I’d put my chalupa anywhere close to an ink shadow, and I don’t know what the fick it kept trying to do to my bunghole, but it was … Fick me, what the hell are we doing here?”

  “You, um,” FeeTwix giggles.

  “What? I was what?”

  “You were talking about killing New Marbles then you went off on a rant regarding a weird dream you had about an ink shadow coming close to your chalupa and it doing something to your goblin hole,” Zaena says.

  “The fick you say, Lizzy? Why the hell are you talking about ink shadows, chalupas and bungholes? You’re really ficked in the head, you know that? Back to New Marbles. That little marble flinging bitch’s bitch is mine.”

  “Only if I get to kill Tamana,” Zaena grits.

  Ryuk starts to say something, but lets the moment pass. It is useless defending Tamana, and maybe a bit stupid as well. He saw what happened, and even though he knows there may be more to the story, his guildmates are right to feel vengeful.

  “Which reminds me … ” The goblin digs around in his back pocket for a moment and produces a yellowed piece of parchment. He unfolds it and walks it over to Ryuk.

  “And that is?”

  “Well, if you’d take a clear look at it, you’d see that it’s our new fickin’ logo.”

  Ryuk takes the piece of parchment with two fingers and turns it over. Hastily drawn on the document are two skulls, each with a pair of wings. The skulls hover in the air just over the hilt of a sword facing downwards.

  “Our logo?”

  “Yeah, the Mitherfickers. Everyone needs a logo. Where would Horse Piss be without that picture of the big horsey dong filling a mug with beer?”

  “Let me take a look at that.” A plastic glove appears on FeeTwix’s hand and he takes the parchment from Ryuk. “Always keep a pair in your list,” he says under his breath.

  “Real funny, Twixy, but I’ll forget the fact that you’re being a racist fickhole. Regardless of your racial biases, what do you think of the logo?”

  FeeTwix scans the drawing for a moment, letting his fans have their say. “I’m definitely down with it, but I’m still trying to figure out why you think that two skulls with wings trying to deep throat the hilt of a sword would make a good logo for the Mitherfickers.”

  Hiccup’s face flashes red. “Trying to deep throat the hilt of a sword!?” He jumps up and snatches the picture out of FeeTwix’s hand. “You know, both you and Liz have your minds in the fickin’ gutter.”

  Jim clears his throat. “Sirs and madam, before you start adventuring, or planning people’s deaths, or coming up with poorly thought out guild logos, I think it is important that you see something. Follow me to the greenhouse, please.”

  (0)__(x)

  Jim leads the four Mitherfickers through the kitchen, where they see a heavyset chef and his saucier working on Hiccup’s breakfast request. The chef flours the wings which he then hands off to the saucier, who dips them and tosses them into the frying pan.

  Hiccup stops griping about the Mitherfickers logo as soon as he takes one big whiff of the dragon wings. “Hurry it up, boys! Uncle Goblin is hungry!”

  “Nique ta mere!” the saucier grumbles. “Casse-toi!”

  “Sheesh, what’s gotten into that frog ficker?” Hiccup asks as they step out of the kitchen and into a narrow corridor.

  “He doesn’t like to be rushed,” Jim explains hurriedly, “and I would suggest you not make eye contact nor speak to him on the way back through the kitchen. He’s been known to throw
his cleaver at demanding customers.”

  The hostelier pulls a key from his belt and unlocks a large green door, letting light spill out into the narrow hallway.

  The greenhouse faces the Bonsor River, which sparkles in the early morning sun. Herbs and other edible plants reach to the glass ceiling. The small space is incredibly humid, and as Ryuk scans it, he spots the makeshift crib in the center of the greenhouse.

  Hiccup buries his head in his mechanical hand. “Dragon ficks!” His hair lifts as Zaena ruffles it with her ghost limb.

  “It hatched?” Ryuk asks as he approaches the manger.

  About the size of a pug, and equally fat and round, the dragon has large ruby red eyes and icy blue skin. Its wings are about the size of the dragon wings that Hiccup is set to enjoy for breakfast, and the end of its tail is barbed.

  The dragon yawns, and rolls onto its other side.

  Infant Ice Dragon Level 1

  HP: 100/100

  ATK: 3

  MANA: 10

  MATK: 7

  DEF: 1

  MDF: 4

  LUCK: 0

  “He’s adorable!” Zaena approaches the baby dragon, which rests on a pile of freshly cut fern leaves. The Thulean makes a cooing sound from her throat and the dragon immediately awakes, yawns again, and blows a single snowflake into the air.

  “Am I the only one here who knows what raising a baby dragon entails? There are so many factors, from psychological to socio-economical,” Hiccup grumbles. “And it’s an ice dragon? We already have one fickin’ snowflake in the group – you, Marbles, I’m talking about you – we definitely don’t need another!”

  “Baka,” Ryuk whispers under his breath.

  “Relax, buddy! This is going to be fun!” FeeTwix claps his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder. “A baby dragon, everyone! You saw it first here on my feed!” FeeTwix gets in closer to the dragon and holds his mirror out, so they are both in the frame. “Take your pictures now!”

  Jim says, “She should have fully functional wings in about a week. It will, however, take her a bit longer to be large enough to take you from continent to continent.”

  Hiccup gulps. “It’s a she? Have you guys ever dealt with a female dragon in heat?” He catches Ryuk’s gaze and nods over at Zaena. “They can get pretty crazy.”

  “Watch it, goblin.” Zaena’s eyes flare and then soften as she again takes in the cute dragon. “And it’s a boy,” she corrects Jim. “Hard to tell at this age.”

  Hiccup slaps his mechanical hand against his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of this a day ago. Let’s fickin’ sell it! An ice dragon on the black market it worth at least, at least a hundo-K rupees, at least. Twixy?”

  FeeTwix shakes his head.

  “Marbles?”

  “Um … ”

  “Dammit, you’re a pussy. Jim?”

  Jim bites his lip and looks away.

  “Fine, fine.”

  Ryuk gets on his knees next to Zaena, who now cradles the dragon. She lifts her green finger in front of the dragon’s face and it blows a small cloud of icy mist at her. “It’s so cold,” she says as she pulls her hand away.

  “Do you have experience with ice dragons?” Ryuk asks her.

  “No, contrary to popular belief, or to goblins who don’t know anything about my species, Thuleans don’t have too many dragons. Royalty does, but I’m not royalty.” She makes cooing noises and the baby male dragon makes the same noise back at her.

  For someone with no experience with dragons, she sure knows how to communicate with them, Ryuk thinks.

  “This is very wonderful,” Jim says, his eyes filling with joy. “I’ve never heard this language communicated before!”

  “Language?” Zaena looks away from the dragon. “It’s not a language. Just making baby noises! All Thuleans do this.” She turns her head to Ryuk. “You’re the leader of our guild; if we are to fully bond with this dragon, it’ll be up to you to form this bonding relationship.”

  Leader? Bonding?

  Ryuk nods and scoots a bit closer to Zaena. “How do I bond with him?”

  “Fick me to tears,” Hiccup laments, “this gets gayer by the minute.”

  “You’ve never had a dragon before?” FeeTwix asks.

  “We didn’t have dragons last time around,” he tells the Swede. “We rode griffins.”

  “Those things smell like fickin’ booty tang.” Hiccup digs in his nose for something, finds what he is looking for, and flicks it at FeeTwix.

  “Thanks for the reminder!” A mirror appears in FeeTwix’s hand after he’s dodged the nasal projectile. “I just want to take a moment to thank everyone watching this incredible moment! The Mitherfickers are about to dragon up, and after last night’s terrible betrayal, we can use all the help we can get. Speaking of betrayal, have you ever lifted your arm to find that your deodorant isn’t working? Or maybe you’re tired of greeting people with a friendly smile and a pair of epic sweat stains!”

  With one eyebrow raised, Hiccup takes a sniff at his underarm, shrugs, and lowers his arm.

  “Well, if you have, Arm and Speed Stick Spice has you covered! Sweaty and unbearable? Booty tang out the wazoo? Slap on some D-O for your B-O and finish with a quick Arm and Speed Stick Spice’s Freshen Up Body Spray. Got a date and didn’t have time to shower? Arm and Speed Stick Spice’s Quick Shower wipes got you covered! Okay, so you guys gotta try this stuff, and when you do, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to receive 20% off your first order. Free shipping for all online orders! Terms and conditions apply. Love you guys and remember, smell good for me.”

  The goblin shakes his head. “I’m not going to say the string of curse words running through my disproportionately large brain at the moment. Let’s wrap this up, kiddos. My homie’s airship is leaving soon.”

  “How do I bond with him?” Ryuk asks.

  Hiccup snorts. “Fick me, Marbles, you make it too easy.”

  Still cradling the baby dragon, Zaena turns it to Ryuk. “It’s simple. Just reach your finger out to him. You’ll know if he decides to bond with you or not pretty quickly.”

  “And he can’t just bond with you?”

  “I’m not the guild’s leader.”

  Ryuk lifts his hand to the dragon’s muzzle. The creature’s eyes narrow for a moment as he suspiciously sniffs at Ryuk’s finger. He opens his mouth, and exhales a soft cloud of blue icicles.

  New skill learned!

  Skill: Bonding Trust

  Level One: Bonding trust creates an everlasting connection between you and another creature. Higher levels allow for direct communication between you and other animals as you instantly understand their languages and demeanors.

  Requirements: There are no requirements for bonding trust. This skill is tied directly to your D-NAS, digital neuronal autoconstruct system, and based on your interaction with others up until the point at which you met the creature.

  “Wonderful!” Jim claps his hands together. “You’ve bonded with it!”

  Ryuk turns to see FeeTwix come in closer, his eyes black as ever as his viewers take the moment in.

  A bell rings in the other room, signaling that food is ready.

  “Fick yeah! Later, haters.” The goblin exits leaving the three of them with the hostelier.

  “What am I supposed to do with him?” Ryuk asks as he cradles the dragon.

  “Well, he’ll need a name,” Jim says. “Everyone needs a name.”

  “Yangukuchipatchi,” Ryuk says almost instinctively. “Yangu for short.”

  “What’s it mean?” FeeTwix asks.

  “It’s the name of a famous Tamagotchi.” Ryuk pets the dragon on the head. It smiles, closes its eyes, and relaxes.

  “Tamagotchi?” FeeTwix’s eyes flash. “That’s a clever name!”

  “Yangu, huh? I like it,” Zaena say. “Once he can fly, he’ll come to you when you call him. Until then, we’ll have to look after him. Jim, do you have a backpack of sorts?”

  “No worries, babe, I hav
e one.” A custom Voodoo Tactical Level III assault backpack with a water reservoir and the phrase #FeeTwixRox embroidered across the front in big white letters appears in the Swede’s hands. He opens it and Zaena carefully sets the dragon inside. She zips up a portion of the backpack, allowing Yangu to peek its head out the other side.

  The Thulean assassin coos some more as she helps him put the backpack on. Yangu naturally rests his neck on Ryuk’s shoulder.

  “You ready?” Zaena asks him.

  “Sure.” Ryuk nods as a soft smile forms on his face. “Let’s grab the goblin and get to Polynya.”

  Chapter 6: Chalupa vs. Churro

  The four Mitherfickers quickly make their way to the south side of Aramis and its sprawling port, which is situated between a string of tributaries, the water from which flows over the continental shelf.

  The ships docked in the Aramis port range in size from small fishing vessels to cruise ships, the rotating oars of which keep the ships floating in the air. A container ship with the name Maersk Alabama is currently floating into the port, the crew busy pulling up the ropes that will hold it down. Regardless of how far down the Endless Sea is, the smell of ocean is heavy in the air, the squawk of seagulls cantankerous.

  Yangu makes a barking noise, briefly interrupting the seagulls above. “Shhh,” Ryuk tells the dragon as he reaches back to pet its head. The dragon’s skin is ice cold, the scales on his head smooth to the touch.

  Zaena and Hiccup walk ahead of Ryuk, arguing in Thulean. The odd couple to end all odd couples, Zaena is twice Hiccup’s height, slender, and moves with the grace of a runway model. Hiccup is vertically challenged, robust, and slightly bowlegged, his walk more of a waddle.

  FeeTwix, between Ryuk and the other two, busies himself by speaking to a few of his most loyal fans.

  He really does care for them, Ryuk thinks, which reminds him of the reason the Swede came to Tritania in the first place – to find out what happened to Tomas, one of his earliest fans. We’ll figure this out, Ryuk thinks, and he wants to verbalize this to the Swede but, as they have before, silence and shyness get the best of him.