Getting Out

by Afton Brinkman

  “I do trust you. I am trying my best. I told you from the beginning that this was not going to be easy. I get freaked and my first instinct is to run away. I don’t want to be hurt and sometimes, when I feel like that may happen, I just run before it can. I have never opened myself up this much to anyone. I have always kept everyone at arm’s length, but with you, it’s like I can’t put the wall back up, you broke through it and now I feel vulnerable. I am yours completely and I can’t wait to be with you after homecoming, it’s going to be amazing.”

  WHEN WE returned to school, I was hyperaware of Jaimie and all her little followers. Every single time they passed me in the hallway, they would giggle and talk about me under hushed tones. It was really hard not to just walk up and punch her in her make-up caked face. But ever since our little talk, Charlie had been wonderful; he was so affectionate and caring. Every time he saw me, he always had to touch me in some way. Whether he was holding my hand or holding me against him. The boy was incapable of being near me without some form of physical contact and I felt the same. I was drawn to him like a magnet.

  One afternoon, I was coming out of the girl’s locker room after volleyball practice; the year was winding down and we were headed to regional tournament soon. I found Charlie shooting baskets in the gym as I exited. I dropped my backpack off to the side and headed towards him. He made a free throw letting the ball bounce away as he watched me approach.

  “There’s my beautiful girl.” My heart rate accelerated. I scooped up the basketball and made an easy lay-up.

  “Your delusional you know that.” His tall frame towered over me as he held me in his arms and kissed the top of my head. “I am not the delusional one, you are if you can’t see what I see.”

  “Want to play a quick game of H.O.R.S.E?” I asked. “Or can you only play sports that involve ice?”

  He smiled that player smile of his and arched an eyebrow at me. “Are you challenging me babe? Really?”

  I nodded and made another shot. “So you in?”

  “Let’s make this a little more interesting.”

  “What do you have in mind?” I purposely bent over right in front of him and picked up the basketball. I heard a quick intake of breath, then felt him behind me; I mean really felt him behind me.

  “Mom had to go out of town for the night to do some work training so that means I have the house all to myself. If I win you have to come spend the night with me and sleep in my bed.”

  “Okay and what do I get when I win?” I countered cockily.

  “What do you want?” I smiled before kissing him. I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth making him groan.

  Pulling back slightly, “If I win, I sleep in your bed tonight and we don’t just sleep.” I paused before saying the rest. “If I win, tonight is the night, I don’t want to wait until homecoming and make a big deal out of it. I just want us to be together, then I want to fall asleep in your arms.” He swallowed hard, his lips fell open as his breathing increased. He took the ball from my hands and looked at it momentarily before throwing it over his shoulder.

  “Screw the game, I forfeit.” Then he scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder. I was laughing uncontrollably and swatting at his behind as he carried me out to his truck.

  We made it to Charlie’s house in record time. My insides her humming in anticipation of what we were about to share tonight. I half expected him to put up a good fight when I brought it up; he had been so adamant about wanting to wait and make it special for me, for us, but I was tired of waiting and I knew he had to be as well. We wanted each other, we craved each other, and after tonight, nothing would ever be the same and for once I was okay with that fact. I wanted him to take this part of me. He alone would forever own this part of me and I loved that that no matter what happened, this was something he could never take back. I would be able to carry it with me no matter if things fell to hell after; at least I would have this.

  Walking into his room, the air was thick and I wasn’t sure why. We both wanted this to happen but why, all of a sudden, was it like a giant elephant in the room. Turning around to face me he gave me a little smile, “it’s still early, you hungry? We could go see what’s in the kitchen?” I eyed his lean body up and down shaking my head. He let out a little chuckle and rubbed the back of his neck, his go to when he was uncomfortable.

  I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around him. “I thought I was supposed to be the nervous one, not you babe.”

  Letting out a small sigh, he kissed the top of my head. “I know, it’s just, I thought that I had more time to prepare but here we are.”

  “What did you want to prepare? I told you I don’t care about all the romantic stereotypic crap. I don’t need candles and rose petals. I just need you… naked,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood. It was still early so we did go back downstairs and we ate turkey sandwiches in front of the TV. Hours passed and I was growing impatient, I guess I would have to be the one to make the first move.

  “I’m going to go change and get ready for bed.” We had stopped at the dorms and I had packed a light overnight bag. Stepping into the bathroom, I freshened myself up a bit and put my tiniest pair of cotton shorts on. They barely covered my ass. Deciding to go with a white camisole, I threw my hair up into a ponytail and went out to seduce my boyfriend.

  Charlie was still sitting in the same spot I left him in. When I entered the room, his eyes raised to mine and raked down my body. I could tell from the gleam in his eye that he was enjoying the view. Not wanting to waste anymore of the night, I confidently walked over and straddled his lap, his large hands automatically finding my hips.

  “Is this what you always sleep in? If so, I think we need to have more sleepovers.” I smiled at his words and leaned in to kiss his mouth. He groaned and I took that as a sign. Deciding to be bold, I rocked my hips against his. His hands gripped me tighter. Pulling back to look at him, his eyes went from my face to my skimpy tank top, where my hard nipples were obvious.

  “You’re so beautiful.” He whispered. I peppered a trail of kisses along his jaw line and ran my hands up and down his chest.

  “And you are wearing too many clothes.” He raised his long arms up above his head making all his beautifully toned muscles flex. Pulling the bottom of his shirt up, his sculpted abs and chest came slowly into view. I discarded his shirt and found his mouth once again. In one swift move, Charlie lifted me up with my legs wrapped around him, never breaking our scorching kiss. He carried me all the way up the stairs to his room. I barely noticed the movement since I was already floating. He laid us down on his bed covering my body with his. I could feel he was ready since he was only wearing a pair of black boxers and sweatpants. He stopped kissing my mouth moving to my neck gently licking and sucking. My hands were in his hair my legs still wrapped around him pulling him as close to me as possible. I panted his name when his mouth found my chest. I pulled my tank top off in one swift movement, then using my feet I pushed his sweatpants off. “I need you inside me now, I can’t wait anymore. Please Charlie.”

  He growled, getting up momentarily to grab a condom from his nightstand. He discarded his boxers, knelt on the bed between my legs and rolled the condom on. As he pulled my shorts off, I raised up and allowed him. We both were naked now I had never been naked in front of anyone before. I should have felt self-conscious, but the way Charlie was worshipping me with his eyes, I felt as beautiful as he always said I was. Covering my body again, I could feel him at my opening. He kissed me for a while longer just making me hotter and hotter. He pulled back and looked at me.

  “You ready? I will try to go slow, okay? Tell me if I need to stop.” I nodded. This was it. He pushed into me slowly and stretched my virginity. My hands automatically squeezing his back at the pressure. He shuttered and kissed me. “You okay?”

  “Yes, keep going” He pushed in again, this time a little harder, and was completely within me. It stung like crazy. He didn’t move once he was all th
e way in. He just kissed me all over my lips my face my ears and neck.

  “You feel so good,” he whispered in between his kisses. When some of the pain subsided I raised my hips.

  “Please Charlie.” He began to rock back and forth faster, then the pain was gone and what was left was waves of incredible pleasure. He didn’t stop moving again until we both found our release.

  I WAS stretched out flat on my stomach. My arms were curled under my head as I looked to the right side of me where Charlie lay next to me. He was on his side facing me holding his head up off the bed with one hand and the other was running his long fingers up and down my exposed back giving me goose bumps. It was heavenly; I felt my eye lids getting heavier by the second.

  “You sore?” He asked.

  “I’m fine just keep doing that.”

  He smiled and continued leisurely running his hands up and down my back. “Ashton, where did you get all these scars from?” My whole body tensed as he brushed his fingers over a couple of them. I had been self-conscious about my scars but in our heated moment I had spaced them out and how they may bother him.

  “I told you, I was a tom boy. I ran around, got dirty, climbed trees with the boys got a few battle scars in the process.”

  He was quiet for a moment, contemplating my answer, then he spoke softer than when he had first asked me the initial question. “These are more than a few battle scars from kid adventures babe. Some are pretty big and it’s not just your back, you have them on your arms and couple on your legs too.”

  I didn’t say anything just shrugged my shoulders. Touching my right hand, he pointed to a scar, which was about the size of a quarter, in the meaty part, between my thumb and pointer finger. “Like this how did you get this one?”

  The memory came flooding back to me like I just pressed play on a DVD; I could see the scenario that clearly. I am not sure my age but I was pretty young. I had been playing on the floor and I accidentally bumped one of the flimsy stools my parents kept around, causing it to fall over and spill a couple of their ashtrays all over the floor. They had been so furious over my mistake that my father held my hand out and my mother extinguished a cigarette on my hand, while I screamed.

  “Maybe next time you will think before you knock over our ashtrays and make a giant mess. Now get the hell out of here.”

  Shaking my head and bringing myself back to reality, I hid my hand under the sheet. “I don’t remember.”

  “What about this big jagged one that runs down your shoulder?” He asked, as he ran his finger the length of it. Every time he asked about my scars, the memories came back. I had received that one when I was eleven. My parents had thrown a party and people were all over the house. I had mistakenly come downstairs for a drink of water when one of their loser friends had pushed me into the laundry room and tried to rape me. I had screamed but the music was loud and he covered my mouth. Before he could succeed, my father had burst through the door and smashed a beer bottle over the guy’s head. They started to scuffle and in the process I was knocked down. I cut my back on a piece of the broken bottle. Come to think of it, that was the only nice thing that my father ever did for me. He stopped the guy from raping me. My father was a bastard but he never touched me sexually, thank god, or I would be so much more fucked up then I already was. I hated thinking about these memories.

  “They are just scars Charlie, a lot of people have them. Here, I will get dressed so you don’t have to look at them anymore since they seem to bother you so much.” I rose from the bed grabbing his grey sweats and pulling them on.

  “Babe, I didn’t say they bothered me, you know I think you’re beautiful, I was just asking.”

  “Well don’t!” I snapped at him and left the room before he could say anything else.

  Just like that, our beautiful moment was stained by my ugly past. I locked myself in the bathroom and started the shower wishing that the hot water could wash away the scars that were on my body, but also the ones inside my head. I was falling in love with him. I hated that he pointed out my imperfections. They weighed heavy on me already, but when he asked about them, and made the memories come back, it was so much worse. No one, besides Dee, had seen them and Charlie has seen… so much more than her. I had bared my soul to him. I was sitting naked on the bathroom floor, cradling my legs with my arms, as I rocked myself back and forth trying to calm down.

  A light knock sounded at the door. “Ashton let me in.”

  I couldn’t let him see me like this, he had already seen too much. “No.”

  I heard a scraping sound from the handle and then the door opened; in walked my beautiful man. He was so perfect. His hair was a mess, he wore a black pair of sweats and nothing else. His green eyes looked stormy with worry. He crouched down next to me.

  “Baby please talk to me.” I didn’t want to talk, I kept my head down and just kept rocking myself. “Ashton, god damn it, stop!” He hugged me so hard, wrapping me up in his strong arms, as I continued to try to rock myself. I felt him whispering in my ear but I couldn’t stop, I was in my bad place. I began to sob silently trying to push my demons away.

  “I-I’m sorry,” I finally choked out.

  “No, baby, don’t you dare be sorry. I am so sorry please, stop crying,” he pleaded, as he caressed my head soothingly. It was helping, I felt my sobs dying down, until it was just me, silently crying into Charlie’s chest. I had done it now. I was a fucking mess and now he had firsthand witnessed it. I kept my head resting against him, just feeling him breathe in and out as he continued rubbing my head. I never wanted to leave this spot because when it ended, Charlie and I ended. How could he possibly want to be with someone that was as messed up as me?

  “I love you.”

  His words came out clear as day and there was no mistaking them. I raised my head from his tear soaked chest to look at his green eyes that I adored so much. Wiping my tears away with his thumbs I sniffled and placed my hands over his.

  “Please don’t say that.”

  “Yes, I am saying it,” his voice was soft and soothing. “I want to… have been wanting to… Ashton, I am so in love with you.”

  His words hit me like a car crash. It was way too much in such a short amount of time. I needed to get out. Pushing away from him, I exited the bathroom and got dressed. He followed me to his room and watched my every movement, just standing in the doorway. Scooping up my belongings I headed for the door but he stopped me, blocking my way.

  “Really? You’re just going to leave after everything that just happened? What I said, I fucking meant it.”

  Shaking my head, I looked at the ground. There was no way I could look at him without breaking down again. “Let me go Charlie” His nostrils flared but he stepped to the side of the doorway allowing me to pass.

  “Run away, like always.” His words hurt because I knew deep down I shouldn’t be running but I couldn’t help it. It hurt too much to stay. I ran from the house not looking back.

  IF SHE thought I was going to chase after her, she was sadly mistaken. Seems all I had done since I met the girl was just that. I had told her I loved her and she bolted. Did she even realize how big that was? I had never said it to anyone before. I combed a hand through my hair and let out a frustrated breath. Sitting on my bed looking at the spot where she was just laying naked after I had taken her virginity. Things had gone from bliss to hell in minutes and I was not sure where to go from here. Did she even want to be with me as much as I wanted her? Being with her, for the first time, had been so unlike all the other times I had sex. It felt different, not because she was a virgin, but because I actually cared. I took my time and relished every second. The noises she had made, the way her skin smelled and tasted… everything! We needed to have a long talk about her pushing me away and always leaving when shit got to real for her. I would give her space because I felt like that is what she wanted, what she needed from me right now, so I would wait for her to come to me this time. I needed to know we were in this tog
ether and that giving away my heart for the first time wasn’t going to be a giant mistake.

  I STAYED at the dorms the next day, telling my advisor that I wasn’t feeling well. Which was not a lie. I felt like total shit. I hadn’t talked to Charlie since running away and he hadn’t reached out either. I just needed a day to figure out what I wanted. I wanted to be with him, he made me feel like I was actually living instead of just going through the motions, but he also made me feel insane. One minute I would be fine and the next I would be freaking out and running away; he would eventually tire of that.

  The next day at school, I was playing the avoiding game. I hadn’t seen Charlie yet and I was bracing myself. After lunch I found Tess sitting with Zach and Charlie on the gym bleachers. And sitting next to Charlie was Jaimie. She was giggling at something he said and touching his arm. I glared in their direction. Charlie’s eyes lifted to mine, I knew he could tell I was pissed off at the scenario. Focusing back on Jaimie momentarily, he said something to her and her smile immediately faded. Glancing over at me, she said something to Charlie as she got up and stalked away, huffily. He leaned back against the bleacher behind him never taking his eyes off of me. I decided to be bold walking up to the seat bellow Charlie where his feet rested. Without a word I sat down and leaned back against him, he automatically wrapped his arms around me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her makeup caked eyes were watching us, with a pissed off scowl on her face.

  Good, I thought to myself with satisfaction. She needed to know that he was mine and I was his completely if he would still have me. He bent down and kissed my temple.

  “I missed you,” he whispered and kissed me again. I leaned even more into him.

  “I missed you too.” Yes, I would fight for him and what we shared. I had never felt anything like this before and I wasn’t about to let some jealous girl or my own insecurities ruin that.