All I Ever Wanted

by Marilyn Brant, Caisey Quinn, Rhonda Helms

  “You take chances on all the wrong people,” he growled, scrubbing his hands over his face. “You’re going to spend your entire life being disappointed because you set people up to fail you. Your mom isn’t going to be any better of a mother in Paris than she was in the States.” He smacked his hands against his thighs and pushed himself back to standing. “The guys you follow across the country are just as big of losers on the East coast as the West. Quit giving everything to the people who are only going to let you down.”

  And what about him? Had he been one of the wrong people? I couldn’t stop thinking about the look on his face when that man had asked if we were an item. Like he’d been caught shoplifting. “I’d rather be hurt again and again than let life pass me by because I’m playing it safe.”

  Slowly, he lifted his head, his blue eyes burning as he stared at me. “You think leaving makes you brave? Try something truly brave, Bree. Try staying. When shit gets tough and people don’t live up to your expectations, try sticking around. You’re not courageous. You’re running away.”

  “Fuck you, Kennedy. At least I’m not allowing someone else to rule my life.”

  He picked up my purse from where I’d thrown it in the corner. My hands shook as I reached to take it from him, but he held tight. “It’s not the same. We both know football is just a dream. I’ll have a good life here. You could too.”

  My eyes burned and I felt like I was looking at him through a fog. “What are you asking me?” I counted the beats of my heart pounding in my ears. Thump. Thump. Thump.

  “I don’t know what you want from me. This is just happening too fast. I need to time think. Space. I don’t know. I can’t just—”

  The thumping stopped and for a second I couldn’t breathe. “No, right. Of course you can’t.”

  His shoulders fell and his fingers loosened their hold on my purse, and I took it and one last look at him. Then I ran.

  Kennedy

  Whiskey was good. Whiskey was way fucking better than waving at the crowd at some stupid parade. And it was better than thinking about Bree leaving. Bree asking me for something I didn’t know how to give her.

  I slugged back what remained in my glass and tapped it.

  Juke frowned from behind the bar. “Don’t you have a parade to get to?”

  “Nah. I’m not gonna go this year.”

  Juke raised a brow but didn’t say anything. He silently refilled my whiskey and left me to stew.

  I must have lost track of time, but before long I felt a heavy hand squeezing my shoulder.

  “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

  I blinked up at my dad, whose cold-pinkened face was drawn into tight, furious lines. “Five o’clock somewhere,” I said, lifting my glass. “Want a drink?”

  His eyes blazed with anger, and I almost laughed. I never realized how his cheeks blazed when he was angry. He looked like a clown. “It’s after six. You missed the whole parade. It started late because we were waiting for you. Why? So you could get drunk? Have you forgotten where your priorities are?”

  Sliding off the barstool, I stumbled back a few steps before I got my feet under me. “I have no idea what my priorities are. I’ve never been allowed to have my own priorities. Only yours.”

  “Stop,” he hissed. “You’re acting like a spoiled brat.”

  I threw up my palms. “Maybe I am.”

  I could feel Dad’s anger coming at me like a gust of wind as I pushed out of the bar. I heard him calling but his voice faded when the door settled behind me.

  For the first time in my life, I didn’t care what my dad thought. Maybe it was the booze talking, but I wanted to disappoint him. I wanted him to be angry with me. Maybe then he wouldn’t want me around. Maybe I wouldn’t have to do everything his way.

  If it was after six, that meant the party at the old barn would be starting soon. Bree would be there. She wouldn’t miss a performance by her precious Everly.

  Hell, maybe I should have Everly ask her to stay. She had no problem leaving me behind, but she’d do anything for Ev. I neared the barn and spotted Everly and Justin Cohen.

  “Speak of the Devil,” I muttered.

  Everly. Now there was a prime example of how much everything got screwed up when I broke the rules. Bree wanted me to take a chance, but I’d taken a chance on Everly, hadn’t I? I’d liked her, and last year we’d slept together, but then Craig had made crude comments at the bonfire and she’d assumed I’d told the asshole. I hadn’t had a chance to explain before she’d turned cold on me. Hated my guts for something I’d thought she’d wanted as much as I had. I never would have touched her if I’d have known. It hadn’t been worth it.

  Then I’d made the same fucking mistake with Bree. Only…Bree was Bree, and the memory of kissing her, touching her, sliding into her? I couldn’t even make myself regret it.

  “Seriously—I’m a big girl,” Everly was saying to Cohen. “I can handle myself.”

  “You can say that again,” I called. She could teach Bree a thing or two about handling herself. Everly might have hated me after we’d had sex, but she hadn’t run away to goddamn Paris.

  “Okay, I will,” Everly was saying, but my mind was stuck on Bree, and I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. “I’m a big girl,” she repeated. “I can handle myself.”

  Cohen glared at me and clenched his fists. What was that about?

  “Long time no see, Pinky.” I touched the pink strand of her hair. She used to have a whole head of that pink hair, but now she just had the few streaks in the front. It reminded me of Bree’s ever-present red streak, but it didn’t do the things to my gut touching Bree’s hair did. Why was that? Why couldn’t we choose who we loved?

  “Shame. I’ve missed you terribly,” Everly said. Bitterness dripped off her words.

  I never meant for things to get like this between us. I had to make this right. “Meet me at the lake later?”

  “Pass,” she hissed, and I winced as I realized what she must have thought I’d meant.

  Cohen stepped in front of her before I could reply, totally cutting me off. “We gotta get going if we’re going to run by your house.”

  “You’re right,” Everly said. “We should go. Great seeing you, Ken.”

  They started walking away, and it clicked. Cohen and Everly were together. Any other night, I wouldn’t have cared. Fuck, I would have been happy for them even, but tonight it just pissed me off. Because I didn’t want to be the only miserable SOB in this town. “Oh, it’s like that with you two now?”

  Cohen froze. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He spun on me. Eyes blazing.

  I held up my hands. “Hey, man. It’s cool. Just be warned, she’s a screamer.”

  The moment the words left my mouth, I saw Bree out of the corner of my eye, her mouth agape as my crudeness, hurt carved into her features.

  And because I was so busy looking at Bree, by the time I saw Cohen’s fist coming at me, I was already on the ground.

  Aubree

  Everly looked gorgeous tonight in her black cocktail dress and heels, and for the first time in my life, I resented her for being more beautiful than me. Even though I was the one who’d talked her into performing here tonight, I resented that she was brave enough to actually do it. To face her fear of performing at home and prove to everyone how good she was.

  My chest ached. Kennedy had gotten in a fight tonight. Over Everly. Okay, I wasn’t sure it was fair to call his face meeting Jubby’s single right hook a “fight,” but it definitely wasn’t in character for Golden Boy Extraordinaire.

  “Kennedy,” Mrs. Hale said. “Why don’t you dance? Bree, you’d dance with him, wouldn’t you?”

  “Come on, Picasso. We need to dance. It’s tradition.” He took me to the dance floor and draped my arms behind his neck. “Would you quit looking at me like you want to cut off my balls?”

  There wasn’t enough room in my chest for air when he was this close. He didn’t even understand
that he’d hurt me earlier. That had hurt even worse than his unwillingness to take a chance on me, so I made this about Everly when it should have been about me. “She’s a screamer? Seriously, Kennedy? Who says that?”

  Kennedy leaned his head back and looked at the beams spanning the width of the barn. They’d been wrapped in twinkling white lights for the dance. “I was referring to the way she fights.”

  Ducking from under his arms, I stepped back. “Whatever. Go give the honor of your company to one of your groupies. I’m not interested.”

  I left the barn, walked away from Everly’s band and this feeling in my gut that I wasn’t enough for Kennedy.

  Worse was that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. If I told Everly, she’d spout venom about how much she loathed Kennedy for sleeping with her last year. If I told Maya or Sami, they would stress the fact that Kennedy needed time to process everything, that I should be glad he wanted to be in Abbott Springs. They wouldn’t understand I was terrified I would give him that time, only to find I didn’t measure up. That I wasn’t enough for him. Just look at my mom. She’d given up a promising career when she’d gotten pregnant with me, and she’d spent every minute since she’d skipped town trying and failing to get that life back.

  I wandered around town until my fingers and toes were numb and my thoughts had made a mess of my stomach. Like I always did when I felt lost, I went for my art supplies.

  Kennedy

  “Thought maybe you stood me up.” A bitter breeze blew off the lake, stinging my cheeks as Everly joined me on the dock.

  “Got held up.”

  I was so glad she was here. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do about Bree, but I did know I couldn’t do anything until this thing between me and Everly had been resolved once and for all. “So, Pink. I get the distinct feeling you hate my guts. And I feel bad about the way things went down.”

  “Me too,” she whispered. “I messed up.”

  That seemed like a bit of an overreaction. It hadn’t been anything serious. “It’s not like you killed anybody, Everly. Jesus. It was a hook-up. I thought you were fun to hang with. I was kind of in a weird place and didn’t really know you had, like…expectations.”

  She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I think that was my problem, you know? I didn’t even know what I wanted or expected from you. And then it felt like you’d used me for sex.”

  I winced. I never would have touched her if I’d known she’d react that way. “Ouch. I seem like that big of a dick, huh?”

  She waited a beat before replying. “No. But it was my first time and—”

  “What?” What. The. Fuck. My stomach churned, and it felt like all the whiskey I’d ingested earlier sloshed violently in my empty stomach. “Why didn’t you tell—”

  “Shh. Relax. I’m over it.” She waved a hand dismissively, and it seemed like she actually meant what she was saying. “I think I thought it would prove something to people in this town if we were together. Like I was worthy of their respect or something. Sounds pretty dumb saying it out loud.”

  “Wow, now I feel cheap and used.” I nudged her. She laughed and I relaxed a little.

  “I’ve been carrying this stupid feeling of inadequacy around like a security blanket. It didn’t work out with you, so why bother with anyone else?”

  “That doesn’t sound like the Everly Abbott I know.” And it just proved what an epic fuck-up one impulsive night could cause.

  “Right?”

  “Naw, don’t beat yourself up. We all do that to some extent, I think. Use our past failures as excuses for not taking a chance on the future.” Jesus. Was that what I was doing? Using my screw-up with Everly to justify not moving forward with Bree? As if the situations were remotely similar. But my relationship with Bree was nothing like my relationship with Everly. And my mistake with Everly had been the sex. But having sex with Bree hadn’t been a mistake. The mistake had been letting her go.

  “How do we stop?” she asked.

  “No idea.” I wasn’t just blowing her off. It was true. Even as I stood here knowing I needed to do something, I had no idea what.

  “Well, what good are you?” She smacked my arm playfully.

  I sighed. “Not much good to anyone. I’m pretty much a giant jackass, screwing up like it’s my job lately.”

  “Join the club. My best friend decided to tell me he had feelings for me tonight. And I’m standing here with you.”

  “Ah, Cohen finally fessed up.” I stopped walking and fingered my sore jaw. “Well, that explains why he was hell-bent on kicking my ass today.”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

  “Sorry about the shitty remark. I haven’t exactly had the best year ever. But that was disrespectful as shit and I didn’t mean it.”

  “Hey, Ken?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You think maybe we get do-overs in life? Like sometimes we get to make mistakes, pick the wrong major, the wrong job, sleep with the wrong person even, and it’s okay? Could it be possible that every little misstep isn’t the end of the world after all?”

  Bree appeared at the end of the path and gave a little wave but didn’t come closer.

  “Hope so,” I murmured, watching Bree walk away. I really hope so.

  Aubree

  Two spotlights illuminated the mural as I touched up the portrait of my parents. I blended whites and yellows until I matched the almost-golden color of Mom’s hair. Then I went about touching up the soft curl that fell over her cheek.

  “I never realized how much she looks like you,” someone said behind me.

  Everly stepped into the light of my little workspace, her cheeks flushed from the cold as she frowned at the mural.

  “The resemblance is startling, really,” she said. “You could practically be painting a self-portrait.”

  I cut my eyes to her rosy cheeks. When Kennedy had slept with her, I’d been a little shocked and hurt, but I’d convinced myself that he’d been such an idiot about the whole thing because of his feelings for me. I should have been crowned Queen of Delusion. “I’m sorry Kennedy was such an ass tonight.”

  Everly shrugged. “I think we worked it out.”

  I’d seen them down by the lake. My heart wrenched at the image, but I pushed it away. I had no hold on Kennedy Hale. “You’re not angry with him anymore?”

  “I’m not. But I am a little angry with you.”

  I froze and put my chalk down before turning to her. “Why?”

  “I’ve been bitching about Kennedy for all these months, and you had a thing for him all this time, didn’t you?”

  I busied myself organizing the chalk at my little workstation so I didn’t have to answer.

  “And you didn’t tell me because I was so hung up on what happened. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  Something ached in my chest as I tried to imagine missing her shows when I moved to Paris. Everly was one of those friends whom I felt close to regardless of geography, and I knew that wouldn’t change. She’d still be there for me. But I’d miss out on so much, and for what?

  “It looks amazing,” she said softly, stepping forward to study my work. “If I hadn’t seen it for myself, I wouldn’t believe someone had vandalized it.”

  “I should have left it. It’s not like she’s ever coming back to see it.” I shrugged and forced a smile. “Kennedy wants me to be angry with her, but it’s not like she’d notice if I was. I could kick and scream like a child, but I’d only be hurting myself.”

  Everly fingered my selection of chalk colors. “You’re right. She’ll probably never see it.” She slid a red piece from its container and offered it to me. “I’m not sure she should be commemorated on an Abbott Springs mural.”

  My mouth gaped. I’d just spent hours correcting the image, and now Everly was suggesting— “I’d be as bad as the vandals.”

  “Vandals destroy. You, Aubree Baxter, create and inspire.” She extended the brush to me and waited. “You’ve always
inspired me. Hell, we wouldn’t have had half the good times we did in high school if it weren’t for you.”

  Slowly, I took it from her hands and studied the mural. Mom did look so much like me. Then I got to work.

  Kennedy

  For the last day of Winterfest, the family met the board at Village Hall for what Bree and I called “The B&B”—breakfast and bullshitting. Part of me hoped I’d have an excuse to skip it this morning, that I’d be too busy making up with Bree, touching Bree, making love to Bree.

  She didn’t come home last night. Not to my home at least. When I’d sent her a text this morning, she didn’t reply. Would she stop by Village Hall before she left for the airport? Or would she leave the country without saying goodbye?

  “Kennedy!” my father called as I approached the hall. “Come over here! I want you to meet the newest city council members! Harvey, Grant, this is my son.”

  They were gathered on the sidewalk in front of the hall. I gave a polite smile and offered my hand to the two men. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  We followed Dad inside, but my steps stuttered the second I walked in the door. Bree had fixed the mural, and it looked beautiful. Only, she’d altered it just enough so that it was no longer a portrait of her parents. If there was any doubt in my mind, the red lock of hair hanging in the woman’s eyes made it clear. This was now a portrait of Bree and her father.

  “You might as well get used to talking to Kennedy here,” my father was saying. “In a couple of election cycles, he’ll be the one making the run for mayor of Abbott Springs.”

  I couldn’t take my eyes off the blue eyes staring back at me from the mural. Bree was right. I wasn’t living my life as my own, and only because I was too scared to take a chance. Some things you needed to have faith in. Sometimes you needed to leap without looking.

  “That’s wonderful,” Harvey said.

  “Carrying on a legacy,” Grant chimed in.

  “Actually—”

  “We just have to show him the ropes and let him know how this town runs,” my dad said. “Then in maybe thirty years, he’ll be preparing his son to run for office.”