Sean's Reckoning

by Sherryl Woods

  She patted his cheek. “Not a chance. I want lots and lots of time when we finally make love.”

  When, not if. He made note of the distinction. Intrigued, he met her gaze. “Just out of curiosity, what do you intend to do with all that time?”

  A blush crept into her cheeks. “Use your imagination.”

  “Sweetheart, the way my imagination’s working overtime, we wouldn’t have enough time if we locked ourselves away for a month.”

  She grinned. “Precisely.”

  Sean stared at her. The woman had a wicked streak he’d noticed only once before, way back when she’d taunted him with that ice-cream cone. It was now clear that hadn’t been an aberration. It was also evident that boredom would certainly never be a problem. Now if he could just shake this overall terror that the thought of marriage and forever instilled in him, he might actually work up the nerve to propose.

  In the meantime, he’d just have to settle for getting her to decide on the paint before the store closed for the night.

  Deanna was slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen when Ruby got home that night. Ruby stood in the doorway and watched her warily.

  “You and Sean have a fight?”

  “Nope.”

  “You did go to pick out paint at lunchtime, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “And?”

  “And nothing,” Deanna grumbled, then sank onto a chair. “The man is making me crazy. Out of the blue, right there in the middle of the hardware store, he kissed me as if there were no tomorrow.”

  Ruby stared. “Oh, my. Were you embarrassed?”

  “No, not really.”

  “Mad?” Apparently, curiosity won out over wariness, because Ruby risked coming in and sitting down at the table.

  “Only because there wasn’t time to finish what he’d started,” Deanna admitted. “I have never wanted a man to make love to me so badly in my life. If he’d pushed just a little harder, I would have gone home with him then and there. Instead, he gave up.”

  “You mean he took no for an answer,” Ruby teased. “Isn’t that what a gentleman’s supposed to do?”

  “Well, of course it is,” Deanna conceded impatiently. “But it was annoying just the same. He should have figured out what I really wanted.”

  “Men who think they know what a woman wants when she’s saying no tend to get themselves in a whole lot of trouble,” Ruby pointed out. “I’m sure Sean knows that. I think you’d better be a little more specific if you really want him to make love to you. Maybe set the scene, light some candles, put some flowers on the table, cook him a fabulous meal, kiss him till he can’t breathe.”

  Deanna sighed at the suggestion. “Oh, yeah, that’s easy for you. You date all the time. You have confidence in yourself. I’ve been dumped by the only man I ever made love with. Maybe I’m really lousy at sex. Maybe I send out hands-off vibes.”

  She knew that wasn’t entirely true. She had evidence that Sean wanted her, verbal evidence and solid proof, so to speak. His arousal today—and on other occasions, for that matter—had been unmistakable.

  “Oh, please,” Ruby said. “Frankie Blackwell was a selfish, inconsiderate rat. He left because he was an irresponsible, immature idiot who thought you were going to be his meal ticket, not because you weren’t good in bed. He and Sean Devaney are nothing alike.” She regarded Deanna intently. “Is it really about being scared you’re not sexy, or is it about the fact that you’re terrified because you have feelings for Sean, the kind of feelings you’d told yourself you would never have again?”

  “I don’t have feelings for him, not the way you mean,” Deanna insisted heatedly. “I just want to make love with him. He’s gorgeous. He’s sexy. It’s all about lust, nothing more.”

  Ruby rolled her eyes. “If you were the type to go in for uncomplicated sex, I’d be the first to tell you to go for it, but you’re not. You’re the happily-ever-after type. You want romance and commitment. You’ve got a kid. You’re not going to indulge your hormones on a whim. If you were, you’d have done it long ago. You’ve had chances.”

  “None worth considering,” Deanna said defensively. “And I could have uncomplicated sex. I’m not opposed to it.”

  “Oh, please,” Ruby said dismissively. “How many times have you told me that you don’t even like to date because it might be confusing for Kevin? Now you’re willing to go to bed with a guy because you’re in lust with him? I don’t think so. It’s more than that. You’re completely crazy about Sean. You’re at least half in love with him, if not head over heels. Why not admit it and go from there? Men like Sean Devaney don’t come along every day, you know.”

  Deanna flatly refused to consider that possibility. She didn’t want to be in love, therefore she wasn’t. Period. “I’m not going to admit to anything, because you’re wrong,” she said emphatically.

  “I have one word for you—denial.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Deanna insisted. But the sad truth was, Ruby had pegged it.

  And that was the crux of the problem. Deep down, buried in a part of her heart she hadn’t listened to for years, were feelings she wasn’t ready to acknowledge, not aloud, not even to herself. Deep down she knew she wanted more from Sean than sex. A tiny untested part of her wanted the one thing he’d vowed never to do. She wanted to get married, have a family with him and live happily ever after.

  Those were the kind of feelings, hopes and dreams that led to heartache. It was far better—safer—to pretend they didn’t exist. It was far wiser to accept that there were limits to the relationship. Sean certainly thought there were. His reasons were valid. So were hers.

  Deanna might believe with all her heart that Sean was capable of making that kind of commitment to a future, that he was steady and dependable and would never abandon his family the way his father and mother had abandoned him—the way Frankie had abandoned her.

  Unfortunately, she wasn’t the one who needed to have faith in him. Sean had to have faith in himself. Without that, it didn’t matter what she wanted or what she needed. Thinking she could control Sean’s emotions—could heal old hurts for him—was a surefire way to get her own heart broken.

  She met Ruby’s worried gaze and forced a smile. “Stop looking at me like that. I know what I’m talking about.”

  “You’re deluding yourself,” Ruby insisted, clearly unconvinced. “Stop making assumptions about what Sean does or doesn’t want. Tell him how you really feel. Total honesty is the only way to get what you want.”

  Deanna regarded her curiously. “Have you told Hank what you want?”

  The question clearly flustered Ruby. Bright patches of color burned in her cheeks.

  “You haven’t, have you?” Deanna said triumphantly. “You’re pretty good at dishing out advice, but not at following it.”

  “Two different situations,” Ruby said tightly.

  “Meaning you have no interest whatsoever in pursuing a future with Hank?” Deanna asked skeptically.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Well, then? What are you waiting for?”

  Ruby’s expression turned thoughtful. “I suppose you and I could make a pact. We could vow to jump off this particular bridge together. That way, if we crash land, we can always console each other. What do you think?”

  Deanna studied her with a narrowed gaze as she considered this so-called pact Ruby was proposing. “I tell Sean how I feel, and you tell Hank how you feel, is that the deal?”

  “Pretty much.”

  If it would give Ruby the shove she needed to be honest with Hank, Deanna was willing to agree to just about anything. “Okay.”

  Ruby stared at her with obvious shock. “You’ll do it?”

  “If you do,” Deanna said.

  “Okay, then. It’s a deal. When?”

  “First opportunity. You’re seeing Hank tonight, right?”

  Ruby swallowed hard. “I said I’d call him if I was free.”

&nbs
p; Deanna grinned at her. “Then make the call.” Her grin spread. “I guess I won’t bother waiting up for you to get home tonight.”

  “You’re being a bit overly optimistic, aren’t you?” Ruby grumbled.

  “No way. I’ve seen the way Hank looks at you.”

  “That doesn’t mean he wants any more than a quick roll in the hay. He probably wants it a lot, since I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length all these months.”

  Deanna regarded her with a pitying look. “Ruby, think about it. If sex were the only thing on Hank’s mind, he could have dumped you weeks ago and moved on to someone more willing. He never had any trouble finding playmates in the past, at least not to hear Sean tell it. He’s stuck around because you fascinate him. You’re unpredictable. You keep him on his toes. Honey, you’re a terrific woman. Any man with half a brain would know he’s lucky to have you in his life.”

  Ruby grinned as she stood up and headed out of the kitchen. “Nice pep talk. But if he says yes to going out tonight, I think I’ll put on something outrageously sexy, in case you’re wrong. What about you? When are you seeing Sean?”

  Deanna shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

  Ruby stopped in her tracks. “Hold it. I’m going out there with my heart on my sleeve, and you’re what? Curling up with a good book?”

  “A couple of decorating magazines, actually.”

  “I don’t think so,” Ruby protested. She handed the phone to Deanna. “Call Sean right this second. Invite him over. I’ll run downstairs and see if Kevin can spend the night at Timmy’s.”

  “Timmy’s out of town,” Deanna said, not even trying to hide her relief at the excuse to put off the promised encounter with Sean. She’d never intended to make good on her end of the deal, anyway.

  Ruby frowned at her and came back into the kitchen. She held out her hand. “Give me one of those magazines.”

  “Why?”

  “Because we made a deal to do this together.”

  Deanna stared at her suspiciously, suddenly aware that Ruby had had no more intention of following through than she had. “You never had any intention of talking to Hank tonight, did you?” she demanded.

  Ruby ignored the question and began flipping through the magazine.

  “Did you?” Deanna persisted. “It was a trick to get me to talk to Sean.”

  Ruby peered over the top of the magazine. “Would I try to trick my best friend?”

  “In a heartbeat,” Deanna said.

  “Only if I thought I was acting in her best interests,” Ruby retorted.

  “That’s no excuse.”

  Ruby laughed. “Is your heart one bit purer? Were you really going to spell things out for Sean, if not tonight, then whenever you do see him?”

  “Of course,” Deanna said, working hard to maintain a pious expression.

  “Yeah, right.”

  Deanna sighed. “We’re quite a pair, aren’t we? At this rate, we’ll be 102 and still talking about what might have been.”

  “Now there’s a thought that ought to terrify both of us into action,” Ruby said.

  They exchanged a look, then chorused with heartfelt sincerity, “Tomorrow.”

  “Soon enough for me,” Ruby added.

  “Me, too.”

  In the meantime Deanna had a hunch they both ought to be praying that tomorrow didn’t turn out to be too late.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Sean had already passed the point in his relationship with Deanna when he would normally call it quits. She was getting under his skin. Not a minute went by that he wasn’t desperate to kiss her, even more desperate to make love to her. If the reaction had been purely physical, he would have run with it, but it was more than that. Which was why he ought to be giving her a wide berth instead of putting himself smack in the way of temptation by going over to that disgustingly shabby new apartment later this morning.

  Then again, how much trouble could he possibly get into while they were painting? As far as he knew, she hadn’t picked out any furniture, so there wouldn’t be so much as a sofa, much less a bed, to give him any ideas about what he’d prefer to be doing with her today. Besides, Hank and Ruby would be there. Kevin would probably be underfoot.

  Sean grinned whenever he thought of Kevin with his wise-guy tongue and the expression of total adoration that crept across his face whenever Sean came around. Kevin was a very big part of what was going on between him and Deanna. The boy needed a surrogate dad, and so far Sean hadn’t seen any evidence that anyone else was going to step up to the plate and fill in. He tried really hard not to think about what would happen if his relationship with Deanna ended. Or, worse, if she found some other man who was eager to play daddy.

  Sean clenched his jaw. That wasn’t going to happen, not unless he’d checked the guy out every which way, to be sure he was worthy of the two of them. He was still frowning over that when the doorbell rang. He jerked the door open and found his brother on his doorstep.

  Ryan held up his hands and backed up a step. “Hey, whatever it is, I didn’t do it.”

  Sean’s scowl deepened. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “The look on your face, the one that says you’re looking for someone to punch,” Ryan explained. “What’s that about?”

  Sean couldn’t quite manage a smile, but he forced a neutral expression. “Sorry. I was in a bad place.”

  “I could see that. Want to talk about it?”

  “No time. I’m on my way out,” he said, hoping to forestall a cross-examination on his mood.

  “Then I won’t keep you long,” Ryan said, ignoring the lack of invitation and stepping inside the apartment. “Where are you off to, anyway?”

  Sean studied his brother intently. There was still a certain wariness between them. After so many years apart, it wasn’t as if they could just pick up the brotherhood bit where they’d left off as kids. They’d made some progress, but there was still some natural uneasiness over revealing too much, taking too much for granted based on their closeness as kids. A lot of water—a lot of anger—had passed under the bridge since the old days.

  Maybe, though, this was the perfect opportunity for another round of long-delayed bonding.

  “I’m helping a friend paint an apartment,” he told Ryan as he led the way into his cramped kitchen. Since Ryan wasn’t going anywhere till he’d said his piece about whatever had brought him by, they might as well be comfortable.

  “The coffee’s still warm,” Sean said, after testing the pot. “Want some?”

  “Sure.”

  Sean poured two cups, handed one to Ryan, then straddled a chair, waiting for his brother to explain what he was doing there. When Ryan remained quiet, Sean found himself filling the silence. “You know,” he began, feeling awkward about asking Ryan for anything. “If you’ve got the time this morning, we could always use another pair of hands. It’s no big deal if you can’t, but I thought it might be fun to hang out for a while.”

  “I’ve got a couple of hours to spare,” Ryan said at once, seizing on the invitation as the peace offering it had been intended to be. “Who’s the friend?”

  “Deanna Blackwell.”

  Ryan studied him curiously. “Girlfriend?”

  Sean debated how to answer that. He supposed that was as close a description as any, but he didn’t want to admit to it and then listen to the barrage of questions that was sure to follow. He opted for evasion. “Not exactly,” he murmured.

  His brother grinned. “Maybe I can help you clarify that. How is she paying you back for recruiting a painting crew?”

  “Not like that,” Sean protested. “She’s just a friend, who happens to be a woman.” And whose kisses could melt a steel girder.

  “Sure.” Ryan’s expression was doubtful.

  “She is.”

  “Whatever you say, bro.”

  Determined to change the subject before Ryan got him to say more than he intended about his relationship with Deanna, Sean asked, “Okay, other
than hassling me, what brought you by this morning?”

  Ryan seemed to debate whether to let him get away with the obvious ploy, then finally said, “I wanted to let you know I have a lead on Michael.”

  Sean swallowed hard at the news. The search for the rest of their family was Ryan’s idea. Sean was less enthusiastic. Every time he thought of the family he’d lost, he wanted to start breaking things. He hated what his parents had put them through. He tried never to think about them, or about the brothers he hadn’t seen since first grade.

  But he couldn’t deny that since meeting Deanna, he’d been thinking a lot more about the meaning of family. He was a little more open to the possibility of discovering answers to all the questions that had haunted him through the years.

  “You know where Michael is?” he asked, his chest tight.

  Ryan shook his head. “Not exactly. He’s apparently in the Navy, but when I try to find out where he’s stationed, I keep hitting a brick wall.”

  Sean suddenly recalled the four-year-old who’d trailed after him and Ryan, eager to do anything they’d let him do just to be around them. The image was so vivid it nearly made his heart stop. Something about that early case of hero worship had stuck with him. It was the last time anyone had looked up to him…at least until he’d become a firefighter. Maybe that need to be somebody’s hero was even one of the reasons he’d chosen the dangerous profession in the first place.

  Every once in a while when he saw the way Kevin looked at him, it reminded him of the way Michael had once looked up to his two big brothers. Brothers, who, when things got tough, hadn’t been able to do anything to make them better. Maybe it hadn’t been their doing, but in a way he and Ryan had abandoned Michael, the same way their parents had abandoned all of them.

  He sighed and looked up to find Ryan studying him with concern.

  “You okay?” Ryan asked.

  “Just thinking about how we let him down,” he admitted, unable to keep a note of self-loathing out of his voice.

  “I know how you feel. I lived with the same guilt for years where both of you were concerned, but Maggie’s made me see that we were just kids, too,” Ryan said. “There’s nothing we could have done differently to change things. When it comes to kids our age, adults are always in charge. We had to go along with what they decided. Now we have to go on from where we are. There’s no point in looking back and wishing we’d done things differently.”