Leaves of Hope

by Catherine Palmer

  “All right,” Jan said. “Go ahead.”

  “Dear God. Our Father which art in heaven.” He paused. “Well, that’s not off to a very good start.”

  “You’re doing all right.” Jan elbowed him. “Keep going.”

  “Dear God,” he said, “this is Miles Wilson, president of the international division of Wilson Teas, Ltd. But I’m sure You knew that. Yes, of course You did. At any rate, I’m here this afternoon with Beth’s mother, recalling my past exploits, most of which were despicable. I admit that I was…and am still…among the most vile of human beings. I have used people. Women, in particular. I have also badly mistreated my body, which You gave me. In fact, dear God, I am wholly and completely flawed. I can’t think how to make up for it. There’s nothing I can do to repair the damage I’ve done to myself and to others. I’ve botched my life. I most certainly don’t deserve Your love or Your acceptance. I know very well that You came to earth on behalf of people like me. And You sacrificed Yourself. And I am…unworthy of that gift. I beg You to forgive me for everything I’ve done, even though I know I can’t right my wrongs. I ask You to please accept me as I am and convert me…transform me…change me completely into a new man. I want to be a Christian. I want to glow. Thank you. Amen.”

  Jan swallowed. “I want to glow, too, Father,” she whispered. “I’m a baby Christian. I never grew up. My own daughter is older and wiser in her faith than I can ever hope to be. Thank You for Beth, Lord. Thank You for Miles. Father, I know You forgave him, and I pray that You’ll forgive me, too. I was wrong to defile my body, Your church. I was wrong to deceive Thomas. And Beth. I know I hurt John, too, in so many ways. And Nanny. I’m powerless to fix any of it, dear God, and I admit that I need You so much. Please forgive me. Please take charge of my life and transform me into a new and better woman. I want to live Phase Two for You. I ask all this in the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Amen.”

  Unaware of the elapsing time, Jan knelt beside Miles and continued to pour out her heart to God in silence. Every sin she could remember, she confessed. Little white lies. Angry outbursts that had hurt her family. Deceptions. And especially the mess she had made of the situation with Thomas and Beth.

  As she prayed, she could hear Miles beside her, sniffling. She put her arm around his shoulders. Then she handed him a tissue from her purse. This was a good man. Better than most. He had looked himself in the face and seen who he really was—unvarnished. Miles had built a facade with his charm and his wealth and his position, just as she had built one with her rose gardens, lemonade and perfect family. But he knew the truth about himself, as did she. God knew, too, and somehow in Beth’s tiny studio apartment, He had descended and filled two repentant hearts with Himself.

  “We ought to do something,” Miles murmured. He lifted his head. “Something to prove it.”

  Jan pushed herself up onto the sofa and rubbed her knees. “What do you mean?”

  “A step of faith.” He stood and walked to the window. “I have to prove that I’m a Christian. You have to show that you’ve recommitted yourself to God. If we don’t do something, no one will know.”

  “They’ll see the difference in us. In how we act and what we say. Beth shows she’s a Christian by carrying her Bible with her, by using Scripture as the filter for right and wrong, by acting so moral that…well, it’s a wonder anyone likes her.”

  “I love her. It’s her morality that drew me to her. She made me want to change, because I saw myself in her eyes.”

  “Well, I don’t have any idea how to prove I’ve changed,” Jan said. “I’ll just have to do what Beth does and immerse myself in God.”

  “You’ve got to go to India and speak to Thomas.”

  Jan gaped at the young man who had begun pacing back and forth across the same floor Beth had paced a few days before.

  “Go to India?” She shook her head. “That’s not the kind of change God asks of us. Christians don’t have to go traveling across the world just to prove they’re new people, Miles.”

  “But you do. Beth and I shall go with you. The time together will give her the chance to see the difference in me. And God will heal your rift with Thomas. It can only be a good thing.”

  “No, it can only be a bad thing!” Jan rose and hugged her stomach. “I don’t want to go to India.”

  “Yes, you do. You’ve just told God that you want to restore every broken thing in your life, and this is how you must do it. Do you suppose I really want to face the ridicule of my brother and all our friends and associates? What will they say when I tell them I’ve given my life to God, and I mean to behave in every way as a Christian? They’ll think I’m mad. They’ll do everything in their power to lure me back into my old ways. And why shouldn’t they? I was the perfect companion. I won’t be that anymore, and they won’t like it. If I can prove to Beth that I’m a new man, I shall be ready to face my brother. If you can make amends with Thomas, you’ll show your daughter that you’ve changed, too. We’ll prove our faith not only to others and to God—but to ourselves.”

  Jan pursed her lips together. This was much more than she had anticipated. She had intended to go back to her little house on Lake Palestine and bake a cherry cobbler for Jim Blevins. She would read her Bible every day and pray more faithfully, and maybe even think up a ministry she could volunteer to undertake.

  But a trip to India? That was extreme. She studied Miles. His blue eyes burned.

  “I’m going to win Beth,” he said. “I’ll show her who I can be.”

  “Don’t base your Christian faith on Beth. She’s a human—believe me. She’ll disappoint you. After you’ve known her a while, you’ll see how flawed she is.”

  “I’m not a Christian for Beth. This is for me. But Beth is the one who showed me the path. I watched her run, and I wanted to run, too. Now I have to show her I’m in the race. Come on, Jan, let’s go to India.”

  “But Thomas and Beth are meeting in London. Maybe we could go there.”

  Jan couldn’t believe she had just said that. She didn’t want to fly across the ocean! She surely didn’t want to talk to Thomas!

  “Darjeeling.” Miles was adamant. “You must meet Thomas on his own ground. You have to completely rid yourself of every need for safety and throw yourself into God’s arms. That way you’ll prove you trust Him.”

  “And you? You get to trot along wooing my daughter while I have to face the worst thing that ever happened to me?”

  “Has any man ever won Beth’s heart, Mrs. Lowell?”

  “No.”

  “Then I’m heading into a battle as fierce as yours. What do you say, then? Comrades in arms?”

  Jan smiled reluctantly. “Tweedledum and Tweedledee.”

  “We talked the toothpaste people out of sending their employees to Uganda. I consider that a major victory. Uganda’s a beautiful country, and there are some good hotels, but I really wanted the children to feel safe. Botswana has turned out to be perfect.”

  Beth scooped up the last spoonful of chocolate mousse and popped it into her mouth. The dinner had been fabulous, and both her mother and Miles were in high spirits. They had regaled Beth with the details of their outing into the city that day. Jan actually giggled a few times during the account of the shopping expedition, so Beth knew her mom was having fun. Though it had been terribly disappointing to be called into the office because of the Congo crisis, she was grateful for Miles.

  More than grateful. He and Jan got along well, and he had shown himself to be a true gentleman. Every time the three of them were together, Beth realized that she liked Miles more and more. He was not only handsome and smart and witty. He had something else. An earnest quality. A sincerity she rarely saw these days.

  Miles was fascinated with her work, and he drew her out on details that others might have found boring. His international background made him a perfect fit with her own interests. When Beth remarked, “I’m concerned that one of the children we’re bringing out of Congo may hav
e contracted bilharzia,” Miles replied, “The Hospital for Tropical Diseases in London is an excellent place to find treatment for schistosomiasis and other such diseases. I’ve been there twice for malaria.” How often had something like that happened? Never.

  If she could trust her emotions—which she had never done successfully—Beth might even say she was falling in love with Miles. All the signs were there. She couldn’t stop thinking about him. She wanted to be with him when they were apart. He amused and intrigued and delighted her.

  But when they spent time together, there always seemed to be something missing. The thought of Miles taking her into his arms and kissing her brought a warmth surging through Beth’s heart. On the other hand, the idea of spending her life with him was impossible. They lived an ocean apart. Though he was coming to share her faith, she believed there were still vast differences in their values and dreams. Yet she couldn’t imagine a time when this man would be absent from her life.

  Jovially unaware of her mental struggles, Miles was now urging Beth to tell them how she had managed her part of the situation in Congo. “Every American we were responsible for is out of the country,” she told him, “except a family who refused to leave without their dogs. With the government in a mess, I couldn’t get the paperwork to transport the animals quickly and safely out of Congo and into another country. I did everything in my power to persuade the owners to leave the dogs with their household staff. They wouldn’t hear of it.”

  “A man and his dog are not soon parted,” Miles said.

  Jan laughed. “Unlike a fool and his money.”

  “You parted with quite a bit of money today, Jan, my dear. What shall we deduce about you?”

  His smirk tickled Beth and sent her mother into another round of giggles. Despite the conflict in her heart, Beth could honestly say that for this single moment she felt truly at peace. Her business crisis was now under control. The meal she had just eaten was delicious. Jan seemed happier than Beth could remember. And Miles…Miles was simply…wonderful.

  “Well,” he said, setting his palms firmly on the table. “It’s time for an announcement, Miss Bethany Ann Lowell.”

  “A surprise?” She rubbed her hands together. “Did you get orchestra-level tickets for a Broadway show?”

  “Oh, much better than that,” he answered. “We’re going to Darjeeling.”

  Beth clamped her mouth shut. What could he mean? Darjeeling? She glanced at her mother, who had gone completely white.

  “Sweetheart, I’ve decided to talk to Thomas,” Jan said in a low voice. “In person. In India.”

  For some reason, Beth still couldn’t speak. She had barely managed to get her mother to visit New York. Only after Beth had made several appointments with publishing house art departments had Jan nervously agreed to make the trip. How could it be possible that the queen rose of the rosebud garden of girls would step out of her safe haven and fly away to India? It wasn’t possible. This had to be a joke.

  “We’re all going together.” Miles spoke up. “My brother has reluctantly agreed to allow me another week away from the London office as long as I go to our Kenya estate directly afterward. You already have permission from your employer to have a holiday next week. And we have told Thomas about the change in plan. He’s delighted.”

  “Not about me,” Jan put in quickly. “Miles didn’t tell him that part yet. We’ve been trying to decide whether it’s better to let him know beforehand or not. As you remember, he ran off and left you the minute you broke your news.” Her mouth gave a little twist of disgust. “Typical of Thomas. Always ready to bolt. But anyway, he did call and make it up to you. So, we might tell him now to get the shock over with, but we might not tell him.”

  “Another secret?” Beth heard the sarcasm in her own voice. “I’m sure Thomas will appreciate that.”

  “Beth, do you object to going back to India?” Miles asked. “If you do, we’ll meet Thomas in London. But I think your mum ought to go to Darjeeling.”

  Beth turned on him. “Why? Why is she going anywhere? My mother doesn’t go to India. She’s from Texas. What have you done to her, Miles?”

  “It wasn’t Miles, honey,” Jan said softly, laying a hand over her daughter’s clenched fist. “It was you. Your life showed me that something was missing in mine. I needed to welcome God back onto the throne. I needed to let Him be in charge. This afternoon, Miles and I…well, we prayed together, and now…” She shrugged.

  Stunned, Beth studied first her mother and then the man beside her. “Now what? I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

  “I am now a Christian,” Miles informed her, as if he had just joined a new country club. “You need to know that my life is going to change radically.”

  “And I recommitted myself to Christ,” Jan said. “We did it together. After discussing our lives during all these days together, Miles and I realized we just didn’t want to go on being the same people we had been before. And we also decided…actually, Miles suggested, and I agreed…that it’s past time for me to talk to Thomas. And to prove I’m a new woman, I’m going to India to do just that. Miles is coming, too.”

  “What’s he proving?” Beth asked.

  Her mother and Miles glanced at each other.

  “Dear Beth,” he said. “I’m going to conquer your heart.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jan perched on the edge of the bed in the little guesthouse and tried to collect herself. Back in New York, Beth had pulled some strings and gotten her mother a passport in record time. Beth’s frequent flier miles had covered costs for both of them. And so it was done.

  Somehow Jan had made it from Texas to New York. She had survived eight hours in the air to London. She had managed to endure a marathon journey to Calcutta. A bumpy flight to some small Indian town with an unpronounceable name. And a three-hour ride up a muddy road into the highest mountains in the world. But all of that was easy.

  Now she had to meet Thomas.

  They had decided to tell him. Miles broke the news over the phone before they left New York. Beth wept as her birth father asked to speak to her and told her it was all right. Jan had sat mute on the sofa and wondered what on earth she was doing.

  Now they were here, and Beth was fussing with her hair in the bathroom. Miles had gone to the estate office to talk to Mr. Lawford, and then he would return to pick up the women for dinner. Thomas was to join them.

  Jan had expected to feel nineteen again at the thought of seeing the man she once had loved so intensely. Instead, she felt every bit forty-five years old, with dyed hair and a soft tummy and crow’s-feet at the corners of her eyes. Her dress was too tight. Her feet were swollen. Her nail polish had chipped. Her roots were showing.

  She was not different. Recommitting her life to Christ hadn’t changed a thing. Flying to India hadn’t altered her in the least. She was still just Jan Lowell who painted roses and children, who had taught school and given birth to three babies and made chicken salad at least once a week. She still felt worries and fears. She still got annoyed with her daughter. And coming to meet Thomas was a really dumb idea.

  “Silver or gold, Mom?” Beth called from the bathroom. “With this blue dress, what do you think?”

  She stuck her head out into the room where a pair of single beds would provide their only respite for the next four days. Beth held up a gold stud earring in one hand and a silver dangler in the other. Jan stared at them, unable to make herself see much difference.

  “Silver,” she said finally.

  “This is exciting!” Beth’s brown eyes sparkled. “I can’t believe it! I’m going to see the two of you together. I know this doesn’t negate Dad, okay? Dad was Dad, and nothing can change that. I’ll love him forever, and he’ll always be my daddy and I’ll always be his Bethy-boo. But this is awesome! It’ll be fun!”

  Fun?

  Jan’s eyes felt like sandpaper. Beth said it was jet lag. Those jets hadn’t lagged. They had hurtled her halfway aroun
d the globe and left her feeling like something a dog had dug up in the backyard.

  Miles knocked on the door and Jan caught her breath. So, it was time. They would walk over to the estate’s main dining hall, and there he would be. Thomas.

  “Can you get the door, Mom?” Beth called. “I have to brush my teeth. Do you really think Miles will like this dress?”

  “He’ll love it.”

  He loves you, Jan wanted to say. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. She pushed herself up from the bed and forced her feet to the door. It had been strange to watch her daughter and Miles during their long trip. The two of them talked nonstop. Beth cast shy glances at Miles. He poked her ribs or twiddled with her hair or lightly kissed her cheek. When he teased her, she tee-heed like a schoolgirl. Whether she knew it or not, Beth was in love.

  Jan tugged on the door handle. “She’s not quite ready, Miles.”

  Thomas Wood stood on the veranda. He had shaggy brown hair streaked with gray. And crow’s-feet. And the same brown eyes into which she had fallen so many years before.

  “Hello, Jan,” he said.

  Her heartbeat sounded like a locomotive in a tunnel. “Oh, Thomas. Hi.”

  He cracked a smile. “All these years.”

  She looked down. “Twenty-five.”

  “And you’re still beautiful.”

  “I dye my hair,” she blurted out.

  “Same color I remember.”

  “Do you think so? Autumn Blaze. It’s new actually.”

  “You look just like you always did.”

  That couldn’t be true. Could it? Jan tried to think of something to say to keep the dam of emotion welling up inside her from bursting wide open. “You haven’t changed much.”

  He shrugged. “More than you might imagine.”

  “Beth told me about you. About your job. Your wife.”

  “She told me about you, too. That you stayed in Tyler.”