The Ministry of SUITs

by Paul Gamble

  “Well, yes, but what you have to remember about mad scientists is that they’re mad, Jack. Mad! They do crazy things. Rational scientists invent things. The mad ones try and invent things that already exist. And occasionally they fling their poo at you.”

  Jack nodded. “Maybe I was thinking of evil scientists.”

  Grey continued. “Either way, the answer to your question is no. The Porcupod is a perfectly ordinary creature that just happened to evolve.”

  The Porcupod didn’t look like a perfectly ordinary creature. Jack suspected that Grey was making fun of him.

  “Think about this, Jack: If the conditions exist for a porcupine to evolve, and the conditions exist for a lobster to evolve, then it stands to reason that the conditions must exist for a Porcupod to evolve.”

  Jack couldn’t fault Grey’s logic. He wanted to. But he couldn’t.

  “How come I’ve never seen a Porcupod before?”

  “They’re one of the things that the Ministry keeps covered up. They’re one of those odd animals, one of the animals that make people nervous. We round them up and keep them locked safely away from the rest of the human race. Generally people only stop believing in creatures if they’re really unpleasant or evil and serve no useful purpose. Like the Porcupod or the unicorn.”

  “Unicorns are evil?” Jack had never really thought of unicorns as evil. He thought of them as sickeningly sweet and all too often pink.

  “Of course they’re evil!” said Grey. “What kind of nice animal would wander around with an enormous horn in the middle of its head?”

  “Well, maybe they use it to hunt,” said Trudy. “I mean, unicorns have to eat, don’t they?”

  “They do use it to hunt. They use it to skewer bunny rabbits. But don’t forget, the horn is right in the middle of their foreheads. So they don’t hunt to eat. You can’t eat a dead bunny rabbit that’s stuck to a horn in the middle of your forehead. Unicorns just like killing things. They can’t even get the bunny rabbits off their foreheads. So they just leave them there to rot and decompose. That’s another thing I hate about unicorns. The stench of dead bunny. Makes me want to retch just thinking about it.”

  Trudy shook her head. “Look, I’ve seen lots of pictures of unicorns and they never have dead bunnies impaled on their horns.”

  “Where have you seen these pictures?” asked Grey.

  Trudy looked embarrassed; talking about unicorns clearly didn’t fit with the hard-girl image she presented to the world. “… I have one on my duvet cover.”31

  “And you believe everything that you see on a duvet cover, do you, Trudy?”

  “Well, no, but…”

  “Because you’re going to end up with a pretty strange worldview if you believe everything that you see on an eiderdown. Next thing you’ll be telling me that you believe in Thomas the Tank Engine and superheroes.”

  Trudy fumed silently. Jack couldn’t help enjoying this a little. It was nice to see it happening to someone else for a change.

  “And tell me this, Trudy, is it just duvet covers you believe? Or is it any item of bedding, generally? I mean, is your pillow well-informed about the world? If a blanket told you that the world was flat, would you believe it?”

  “Have you finished?” Trudy asked through pursed lips.

  “Not quite,” said Grey. “I also wanted to point out that the people who make duvet covers aren’t in the business of being purveyors of truth. They’re in the business of selling duvet covers. How many parents would buy their beautiful daughter a duvet cover that had a picture of a unicorn with a dozen dead bunnies impaled on its horn? With little bunny intestines falling out and bunny blood drip-drip-dripping on the ground?”

  “So the Ministry keeps all the odd creatures here?” said Jack, deciding to try and change the subject as Trudy seemed to have had enough.

  “Well, most of them, but occasionally we don’t manage to round them all up.”

  “What happens then?”

  “You’ll see them running about. Odd creatures that really don’t seem to fit in.”

  Jack racked his brains and a few examples sprang to mind. “Duck-billed platypus?”

  “That’s one.”

  “Kangaroo?” Jack suggested.

  “Clever boy!” exclaimed Grey. “A lot of the strange creatures live in Australia because the Ministry didn’t have an office there until 1973.”

  Trudy cleared her throat. “Perhaps we can get on with the reason we came here?”

  Grey pointed at her. “Good idea. Are you ready, Trudy?”

  Trudy took her blazer off and handed it to Grey. “Ready.”

  “Wait a minute,” said Jack. “What’s going on?”

  “Ohh, not much. Trudy’s just going to demonstrate to you what she’s learned since she joined the Ministry.”

  Grey leaned out and pushed the glass door open with the palm of his hand. There was now no longer anything to protect them from the Porcupods.

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  KANGAROOS

  ROLE IN DUVET MANUFACTURE

  Many people have wondered why the Ministry of SUITs has not hidden kangaroos away from people in the same way they did with dinosaurs. The reason for this is simple. Kangaroos need to be allowed to roam free across the outback in order to manufacture duvets.

  Have you ever noticed how over a few days your belly button will build up a small ball of fluff? A kangaroo’s pouch is much larger than a belly button and therefore generates much more fluff than a belly button. Their constant jumping and leaping across the vast desert outback of Australia creates pouch friction and therefore speeds up the fluff-creating process immeasurably.

  This fluff is then harvested and used to stuff duvets.

  Next time you find some belly button fluff, roll it between your two fingers and feel the texture. You will realize that it feels almost identical to a very thin duvet.

  * * *

  15

  “GO, TRUDY!”

  Jack watched as the Porcupods realized the door was open and began to scuttle toward them. Trudy walked inside the room and Grey closed the glass door behind her.

  “You can’t do that!” cried Jack. “They’ll rip her apart.”

  Grey leaned against the wall. “Just watch.”

  There were four Porcupods in the room but their rapid movement made it seem like many more. A Porcupod lunged, snapping at Trudy. But Trudy wasn’t in the space where she had been a few seconds before. She had neatly somersaulted over the Porcupod and landed on one knee behind it.

  Two other Porcupods dashed at Trudy from opposite directions. Their open mouths were filled with rows of tiny, sharp teeth glazed in a bubbling foam of saliva. Trudy’s head rotated from side to side, her eyes seeing both attackers. The Porcupods were almost on top of her as she took off running like a sprinter. She seemed to be moving impossibly fast, almost blurred.

  The Porcupods were shocked by Trudy’s speed and didn’t have time to stop. They smashed into each other head-on, their muzzles making a satisfying crack.

  “Go, Trudy!” Jack shouted. Then he noticed Grey was looking at him and shaking his head.

  “Sorry,” said Jack. “I got slightly overexcited.”

  Trudy sprinted across the room. The Porcupods had recovered from their cranial collision and were scuttling after her.

  Trudy didn’t seem to be slowing as she reached the corner of the room. She was sure to run smack into the wall, and with the two Porcupods behind her, that would be the end of Trudy.

  Jack tensed up his face and got ready for a crunch. The crunch never came. To Jack’s astonishment, when she got to the corner she started running straight up the wall.

  Jack turned to Grey. “That’s impossible.”

  “Is it?” asked Grey, laughing. “Well, if it is, we really should tell her so that she can stop doing it.”

  If Jack hadn’t been ready for Trudy running up the wall, the two Porcupods pursuing her certainly wer
en’t. Unable to stop in time, they clattered into both each other and the corner and collapsed, unconscious.

  Trudy continued running up the wall and, just as she reached the top, she placed a foot on the ceiling and pushed herself off. This allowed her to perform a perfect backflip and land gently on the floor.

  She turned around from the wall, and Jack noticed that she was barely out of breath. The two remaining Porcupods, having seen what had happened to their comrades, slowly approached Trudy. One moved toward her and lashed out with its lobsterlike claws. They cracked and snapped in the air around Trudy, but she dodged them easily, smiling as she did.

  The other Porcupod shuffled backward a foot or two. At first it looked afraid, but then Jack realized that it was going to take a run up and then launch itself at Trudy. Jack wanted to shout out and warn her, but his breath caught in his throat.

  Jack needn’t have worried. Although Trudy was still dodging blows from the nearest Porcupod, she noticed the other scuttling rapidly toward her. It leapt in the air, clacking its claws together like an insane maraca player. As it reached the peak of its leap Trudy bent backward. The Porcupod looked as startled as a creature can look when it has an armored snout for a face. It sailed over Trudy as she snapped into a backflip. Just as the Porcupod was directly over Trudy’s flipping body, she whirled her feet around and kicked it, forcefully propelling it into the wall and making its body crumple up like a concertina. Jack winced, almost feeling sorry for the animal.

  There was only one Porcupod left in the room now. It stopped trying to attack Trudy and looked at its three friends, all of whom were lying unconscious and battered around the room. It snapped its claws once in a rather thoughtful manner. It looked at Trudy again and then scuttled backward into a corner of the room before lying down and making a strange rasping-breathing noise. If Jack hadn’t known better, he would have thought that it was trying to whistle in an innocent manner.

  Trudy brushed down her school uniform and walked toward the glass door. Grey opened it and bowed to her as she exited the room. Jack had a million questions he wanted to ask, but he couldn’t seem to persuade them out of his mouth.

  Before Jack could say anything Grey looked at his watch. “I’m afraid we don’t have time for anything more tonight. If you two stay here any longer, your parents will be asking difficult questions. I’ll get a Ministry car to take you home.” Grey left to make the arrangements.

  Trudy and Jack were left standing in the corridor by themselves. Jack’s jaw was still hanging open in amazement. Trudy looked very pleased with herself, but Jack felt that that was understandable. She probably wasn’t allowed to use her amazing skills in everyday life and it must have been a wonderful feeling to be allowed to show off. It would be like winning a gold medal at the Olympics and not being able to tell anyone about it.

  Jack pulled himself together. “I’ve just got one question.”

  “Yeah?” said Trudy. “What’s that?

  “Well, with all the skills you have, why on earth would you want to be my partner? I mean, surely there are better people you could be working with. Like a ninja or something?”

  Trudy sighed. “Not that many other people would agree to work with me. People tend to find me scary.”

  “I do find you scary,” confessed Jack. “But I still want to work with you. You’re … amazing.”

  Trudy smiled and stuck out her hand. Jack shook it. “I’m not sure I’m amazing,” said Trudy. “But I’m certainly Strange and Unusual. Maybe a little bit Impossible too … sometimes.”

  Grey came back to find them shaking hands. It seemed to make him happy.

  “I’ve got a Ministry car waiting for you outside.”

  Trudy’s shoulders slumped. “Do we have to travel by Ministry car?”

  “It’s late already; your parents will be wondering where you are. You know a Ministry car will get you back home in half the time of a normal car.”

  “I know, but.…”

  “But me no buts,” insisted Grey as he hurried them down a corridor toward the exit.

  Once outside, Jack was impressed by what was waiting for them. He couldn’t understand why Trudy had been reluctant to travel by Ministry car. It was a long black limousine, polished to such a high shine that even in the twilight it seemed to shimmer.

  “After you,” said Trudy.

  Jack didn’t have to be asked twice. He heard Grey say good-bye as he scrambled into the back of the car. It wasn’t quite what he had been expecting.

  Inside, the car was disgusting. When he had opened the door, a cloud of noxious air had rolled out, the smell of which was almost unbearable.

  Although the car was spacious with two wide leather seats facing each other, it was filled with … well, it was filled with deeply unpleasant things. Some organic unpleasant things. Some man-made unpleasant things. And several organic man-made unpleasant things.

  It took Jack several minutes to find somewhere to sit down that wouldn’t make a squelching noise.

  Trudy climbed into the car and flopped down on the seat beside him. “The first time anyone travels in a Ministry car they always take a few minutes trying to locate the cleanest part of the seat to sit on. After you’ve been in one of these cars a few times you’ll realize that it’s all equally filthy.”

  Trudy waved good-bye to Grey as he slammed the door of the limousine shut.

  Jack couldn’t see the driver; they were separated from him by a smoked-glass screen. He could see the outline of a head with a black chauffeur’s cap on it. The glass screen was never moved down, but Jack could hardly blame the driver. After all, the passenger compartment smelled awful. The driver would either have to keep the glass up to avoid the smell or would have to have his nose removed. And if the driver did have his nose removed, then his sunglasses would always be slipping down his face.32

  “Is this really the best car that the Ministry can afford?” asked Jack.

  “Not the best, it’s just the fastest,” said Trudy.

  “I don’t understand: Is it so fast that the cleaning staff can never catch it? I’m sure there has to be some kind of speedy valet service somewhere that could have it looking spick-and-span.”

  Trudy shook her head. “If it was cleaner, then it wouldn’t be as fast.”

  Jack frowned. “Sorry? I think I may have misheard you. I thought you said that if this car was cleaner, then it wouldn’t be as fast.”

  Trudy nodded. “That’s exactly what I said. Simple physics.”

  Jack was willing to concede that it might be because of physics, but it certainly wasn’t simple physics. Simple physics was about lights being powered by electricity or magnets attracting metal. Simple physics was gravity causing an apple to fall to the floor.33

  Jack tried to make himself comfortable but failed. “Explain how physics makes this car travel faster.”

  “Isn’t it obvious?” asked Trudy.

  It isn’t, Jack thought. It really isn’t.

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  NINJAS

  CLOTHING CHOICES

  People often wonder why ninjas wear black all the time. The most common explanation is that it helps them hide. Of course this is a ridiculous suggestion. If you are trying to stay hidden, black is the last color you should be wearing. Walk into almost any house anywhere in the world and check the color of the walls. They are almost always white, or apple white, or some type of fruit/vegetable white, or magnolia. Now, imagine a ninja standing against one of these walls. Now, some people may suggest that ninjas originated in feudal Japan and so they probably wouldn’t have come up against magnolia-colored walls. And naturally this is true. However, in feudal Japan, although walls weren’t generally painted magnolia, equally they weren’t all painted black. To suggest that would be to suggest that all Japanese in the Shogun era were Goths/Emos. And they weren’t. Evidence gathered by prominent archaeologists, anthropologists, and historians demonstrates that many parts of Japan in
the middle of the last millennium wouldn’t even have been aware of the work of Marilyn Manson or the Sisters of Mercy, much less would they have been able to tell you that Robert Smith was the front man of The Cure.

  So we have to accept that the Japanese weren’t Goths. In fact the walls in their homes were frequently made of paper and were therefore white or whitish. (This must have made it very confusing for toddlers growing up in Japan—“Hey, stop drawing on the wall with your crayons … use this paper instead … never mind.”)

  So the color that ninjas wear clearly wasn’t for concealment. And yet ninjas were considered to be invisible. The reason for this is simple. The power of the mind can bend much of what people consider reality. Ninjas could sneak into places because they believed they were invisible. Those who taught ninjas picked only the very fattest children to train. A key part of the training was a crash diet. Previously fat children were slimmed down to half their previous size—and such a change made them feel that they were fading away to nothing. When they started believing this, they naturally believed that people would have difficulty seeing them. Merely having this belief made them harder to see.

  But the question still remains, why do ninjas wear black? Well, you never quite forget it if you are ever overweight. Ninjas might have slimmed down, but they always remember that they used to carry a bit more heft. And so they still have a tendency to wear black. Not because black helps them remain hidden, but rather because they remember that wearing black is meant to make you look slimmer.

  The moral of this story is that you should never bully the fat kids in school. They may well not be fat at all. They may just be ninjas in the early stages of training. You won’t notice them when they come for their revenge. In fact, the first thing you’ll know about it is a throwing star sticking out of the back of your head.

  If you wish to learn more about the origins of karate, please read the section Martial Arts/Karate: Origins.

  * * *

  16

  TIME GOES PAST SO SLOWLY