by Honor James
“I could care less but likely they will.” She smiled and added, “In fact I think that they will likely corner you and demand to know just how the hell you were able to get into my bed and if Desi shares it with us.” She sighed. “Which that answer is no. I am not sharing you with anyone and I will not be shared by you either.”
Tightening his hand on her hip he growled low, the sound extremely possessive. “I don’t share, ever,” he said softly, fighting for control over the beast’s sudden urge to hurt someone for even that thought. Never her though. No, he’d find someone else to beat up for that. “You are mine. Always,” he told her. “We are mates and that is for all time. There is no divorce or separation in a Wolf’s vocabulary.”
“Thank god because I would hate to have to remove some words from your vocabulary, Miklos.” She grinned. “I love you, darling. I refuse to ever share you, ever.” She stroked her hand up and down his arm. “We will use your brothers though, and we will call them later because we will need their help packing up the house so that I can move in here with you. As I am healing and you are working I want, no I need, for you to know I am safe, and where better than here?”
“Nowhere I can think of, especially with my brothers surrounding us, too,” he told her. Relaxing slightly he gently continued to stroke her hair. “We’ll call them once we know how much help we’re going to need.” Feeling himself soften he let out a sigh of disappointment. “Up you get, love. We need to clean up and get dressed then eat.”
“This will sound very odd, Miklos, however, I have to admit that I love having you hard and locked inside of me and having to part from you is almost painful.” She sighed and nodded. “But you’re right. Food is a needed thing and then we will go to my place and figure out just how much help we need, all right?”
Nodding he smiled as he helped her to her feet. “Go and pilfer my closet for a sweatshirt, love,” he told her gently, smacking her bottom as he stood. Following behind her he admired her bottom, the sway of her hips, and the way her hair fell lightly around her face.
She tugged her hair up and into a loose knot that she tied around itself. “I feel you watching my ass, Miklos.” She didn’t even turn around, just simply spoke as she pulled out a sweater and tugged it on. “But I like that you like to watch my ass because I really like it when you do.” She now looked over her shoulder at him. “See, it was easier for me to pull on this time.” If she didn’t know better she would swear that he was helping her to heal.
Making a sound in his throat that was neither agreement nor disagreement he just reached around for a light sweater and pulled it on. Digging in a drawer he pulled out old jeans and slipped into them as he watched her. “You should put on more clothing, love. It might be a little chilly running around like that.”
“I know.” She moved toward her slacks. “I can’t wait to get some clothes so that I can burn these I do believe.” They held sadness and they were three days without washing. Not good in her opinion. “But I can’t wait to get home so that I can water my orchids and see if we can’t figure out what all to bring home with us.” Home, where they were now. This was home.
“Well, we’ll go and see what needs packing, find some boxes, and pack up a bunch of stuff. Maybe make a list of anything that we can’t bring over easily so we can arrange with the rest of the family to help. We’ll bring back what we feel like tonight, some clothes for example,” he teased with a smile.
“Sounds good.” Shaking her head she grinned. She had thought to use a few days at her place for them to get to know each other so she felt more comfortable, but she didn’t need to. She had all she needed in their times together in the dreaming and just having their long chats. She loved him. He was hers and she was his, no other way around anything.
“What?” he asked when he caught her look, almost dreamy but a bit thoughtful. “What’s that look for, Harker?” he asked when all he got was a blink. Smiling he moved toward her and touched her cheek. “Good thoughts I hope,” he murmured.
“Very good thoughts, Miklos.” She leaned into his touch and sighed happily. “I was just thinking of how wonderful that it is. I had thought I would need time in my place with you so that I could get to know you but I’ve gotten to know you so much better in our dreams and here.” She laid her hand over his as she continued, “I’m home, Miklos. You have no idea how nice that feels for me.”
“I’m glad, Harker,” Miklos told her softly, a little of his tension seeping away. “I love having you here. It just feels right,” he murmured. “Don’t know how I managed before, but now that you’re here, even though it’s only been a little while, I don’t think I’d ever be able to go back to the way it was.”
“It’s a good thing because you have me forever now, Miklos, so you will need to rearrange some of your things so that I can get my clothes in. This isn’t just sharing a drawer with me or allowing me to keep a toothbrush here. This is forever, Miklos.”
“I like the sound of that,” he told her honestly, stroking her cheek. “There’s plenty of space for all your things, love, and you’re welcome to any and all of it. I want you here, I want you to make this your home, a home for us both,” he told her softly.
Her heart filled with his words, hope sailing in her soul as she nodded. “All right, let’s go and get me some clothes so that I can give you yours back.” She wasn’t going to give up wearing his shirts and sweatshirts around the house though. He was just going to have to learn to share.
“You don’t have to give my stuff back, Harker,” he told her softly dropping his hand to her shoulder before running it lightly up and down her arm. “I like seeing you in my shirts. I prefer you in nothing but your skin”—he smiled—“but my shirts are definitely second best. I like my scent being wrapped around you, makes me think I’m with you at all times.”
“I like it, too.” Funny how she was just thinking about that. “I was just thinking how much I love your shirts and sweatshirts and wasn’t going to give them up. I had just thought that you were going to have to learn to share but it seems as if we are of one mind on this, and it makes me happy to know that.”
“Good.” He smiled at her. “Come on, love, let’s grab a quick bite and then we’ll head for your place. We’ve got things to do today after all.” He smiled happily at her, probably the first time in too many years that he actually felt something he could describe as “happy.”
“Yes, we do. We are on a limited amount of free time before you are stolen from me and thrown back to the dredges of a working stiff’s life.” She sighed and batted her lashes. “Ahh my poor, poor Miklos.” She would be singing the same song for herself in six months’ time. That or she would be begging to go back to work.
“You’ve still got me for another day before I’m headed back, unless I actually take some of the huge amount of holiday time that’s due to me,” he pointed out. Shrugging he stepped back from the closet and held out a hand to her. “I don’t know about you, love, but I’m starving.”
“Me, too.” She had certainly worked up an appetite being with him, more than a small one, too. “Even with hurting I am still hungry and that says a lot.” She was also ready for a pain pill. “When we get back I think that I am going to have to take a pain pill though, Miklos, and no, you didn’t hurt me. I just ache right now.” There was a storm front moving in. The pain she had wasn’t in her back, but her leg. It was hurting so badly that she had the slightest of limps because of it.
Frowning down at her as she walked he moved closer to her. “What’s wrong, Harker?” he asked quietly. “Is it your leg?” he guessed, rather accurately though why she was surprised she’d never know.
“Yep, it’s going to storm and it’s going to be one hell of a storm, too, or I wouldn’t be hurting like I am.” The last time it hurt like this there had been flash floods, lightning fires, and worse. It had been hellish to be certain. “Which is why I said there will be the need for a pain pill because if it gets worse I don’t know t
hat I can keep on walking.”
“You don’t have to, you know,” he pointed out before he scooped her up in his arms, careful of her back. Carrying her gently down the hall he sat her on one of his stools before moving into the kitchen. “Breakfast foods or do you want lunch stuff?” he asked as he started a pot of coffee that was non-negotiable.
Chapter 19
“Lunch please.” She hated to just simply sit around, but he wanted to do this for her, so she was going to let him. “I promise I am not normally so high maintenance, Miklos. Usually I am pretty good at fending for myself.” She had been less than perfect for him, and that made her sad.
Looking to her sharply when he heard her tone change he frowned and shook his head. “No hurting,” he said to her. “I don’t like hearing you sound so wounded, Harker, it hurts me,” he told her as he pressed a hand to his chest. “You are perfect, you are amazing, and I like doing things for you. Anyone else is on their own, but for you I’ll do absolutely anything.” Reaching into the fridge he pulled out the leftover roast and gathered lettuce, tomato, and other fixings.
“I’m trying, Miklos, but you are perfect. I mean honestly you are. You know how to cook, you have a terrific sense of humor, and you are sexier than any man has the right to be but I’m not. I’m worried honestly because what happens when you change me? Will I be able to be a Wolf with the injury to my leg? With the metal holding the bone there?”
Setting everything down on the counter he moved toward her and leaned on his elbows on the counter. “I don’t know, but there are doctors of my kind that can tell us. When you’re up to it we will go and see her, she’s a good friend and she knows how to keep her mouth shut. She also knows a hell of a lot about our people and about humans changing to Wolf so she can answer any questions you have. I don’t see a problem with it, but it may be something that may have to be removed after the change to allow you to shift forms.”
Harker visibly winced and nodded. “All right, well if that is what has to be done, it is what has to be done.” Just the thought of the grafts being cut into and the metal being pulled out made her physically ill to her stomach. “We will worry about that another day. For today we will simply live for each other and the moment, yes?”
“Yes,” he told her, his mind strangely mirroring her thoughts as he worried about what might have to be done. Shaking his head he caught her hand and kissed her fingers. “I love you, Harker. Quit worrying about what may not come to pass. When it’s time to worry I’ll be right there with you, trust me,” he said.
“I know you will and that is all that is making this in the least little small bit bearable.” She leaned back and sighed. “All right, you can finish making us sandwiches now.” The grin teased at the corners of her lips. “You have to feed me, Miklos, feed me so that I can keep up with your horrible, horrible demands of my poor, poor body.”
Frowning at her slightly as he straightened he decided she was teasing him, but that moment of uncertainty had him worried. Turning he pulled out the bread and slicing some of it as well as the beef he started making hugely stacked sandwiches. Cutting hers in half he passed her the plate. “What did you want to drink with it, Harker?” he asked quietly as he finished piling the remainder of what he’d sliced on his bread.
She reached out and grabbed his hand so quickly that it amazed even her. “Don’t,” she said with a frown. “Don’t get that look on your face like I have just kicked you, Miklos. I was teasing.” Whoever had hurt him in the past had a hell of a lot to explain, and she was half tempted to hunt them down and beat the hell out of them. “Why do you do that?” she asked quietly. “Why do you think that what we have together is bad, that I am somehow repulsed by it?”
Blinking at her he was going to deny it but honestly couldn’t. She had a point. Shrugging he turned his hand to hold hers lightly, toying with her fingers. “I don’t know,” he said quietly, looking at their joined hands. “I feel all over the map right now, Harker, like I’m constantly off balance. It’s nothing to do with you, just…” He shrugged again not able to explain where his uncertainty came from with her. But he was terrified that he’d do something that would turn her from him and knew that it would kill him if she did.
“I love you, Miklos. I have never given those words to another living and breathing man before, just you. I love you and I can’t tell you that enough. No matter the words I give you, they mean nothing until you are ready to see that you are worth loving, very much so worth loving.”
“Some things take time,” he murmured quietly, looking at her. Setting his sandwich on the counter at her side he tugged on his hand. “What do you want to drink, Harker?” he asked again, moving to pour himself a cup of coffee.
Suddenly she no longer had an appetite so she picked up the sandwich just to give her hands something to do. She sighed. “Milk would be fine please, Miklos.” No matter what she did or how much she loved him, it wouldn’t matter until he was ready to fully be loved.
Pouring her a glass he set it before her as he joined her. Seeing that she was toying with her food he shook his head. He was just never going to win. No matter what he did he hurt her, over and over. Yeah, him having a mate was a piss-poor idea. Someone out there was laughing their asses off over this one. Putting a hand on her back he leaned over and kissed her neck just under her ear. “Don’t hurt because of me, Harker. You should know as well as I do that some wounds never heal. They scab over, they scar, but they never fade and can be reopened at the least opportune time.”
“And what kind of life does that leave for us in the end, Miklos?” she asked. She wasn’t looking at him, was pointedly avoiding his gaze. “How do we have a life together if you don’t let me in?” That answer was simple, they didn’t. “I should go, Miklos.” She whispered, “I should likely just go to the other house. There isn’t a place for me with you is there?”
Biting back his instantaneous denial he pulled back and looked at her. He couldn’t explain and he couldn’t keep her there if she didn’t want to stay. Grinding his teeth together he looked down at his sandwich and pushed it away sharply. “I’ll get my keys,” he said and shoved away from the counter to head down the hall. In the bedroom he picked up his keys but ended up sitting on the end of the bed before sliding to the floor. Burying his face in his hands he sucked in a shaky breath. “What the hell is wrong with me?” he asked the empty and heavy air in the room.
“I don’t know, Miklos,” she whispered from the door, having followed him to the bedroom. “I don’t know,” she said again as she took a seat at his side. “But I wish that I did know because I want a life with you. I want to be with you and not apart but there isn’t room for me, for my love for you, when you can’t get past the hurt of whatever is inside of you. You can’t accept or hold my love if you can’t love yourself and for that I am so sorry.” She wanted to touch him, wanted to hold him, but she didn’t know if she even had that right.
Reaching out blindly he found her hand and held on tight. “Maybe it’s because I’m not worth loving,” he said quietly. “When it happened I wasn’t really punished. Maybe this is finally the time the fates have decided for me to get what’s coming to me.” He laughed but the sound was cold, chillingly blank of any real emotion. He’d failed them all. He’d been the one responsible for what had occurred. It seemed only right to lose the one thing he wanted more than anything. He’d killed his parents. Losing his mate seemed a truly fitting and nasty judgment.
She moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around him as she shook her head. “You are worth loving, Miklos. You are so much more than that.” She heard his voice, heard the quiver in it and stroked her hands up and down his back. “You didn’t do anything, Miklos. Of everything I know I know that you are a good man. You more than any person I know deserve to be happy.” She cupped his cheeks and made him look at her. “Talk to me, Mik? Share your troubles with me, please?” She was put on the Earth for him. She loved him and it was hurting her to know he was hu
rting so badly.
“I let them in,” he whispered, his shame now complete with having to admit to her just what he’d done. Even his brothers didn’t know. They would never know if he had anything to say about it, too. “I was out playing past when we were supposed to be inside. Our nanny came looking for me and told me to get inside. Janos fell inside and began to cry so she went for him and I went inside. But I didn’t close the door properly,” he whispered softly. “I let the men in that killed our parents.” His words were barely there, the sound so faint that he didn’t know if she could hear him. “I killed them with my stupidity. I was so confident and secure that no one could hurt us or them. I killed them.” He breathed, something inside freeing and yet another part of him dying a cold and brutal death, just as his mother and father had.
She listened to him but heard more than his words and so holding onto him she rubbed her hands up and down his back. “Miklos.” She whispered softly to him, “Honey, you were a child, my love, you were a child and of course you felt as if there was nothing that could get to your family, honey. You lived in a palace with guards and people who had sworn to protect your family, darling.” She had tears in her eyes because she knew how much it hurt to lose people, but she was hurting because she didn’t want to lose him. “Miklos, you are not to blame for anything, honey. You are not to blame for anything and until you can see that, until you can know that you didn’t kill your family or cause their deaths there will be no us.” There could never be a them if there was the guilt and pain between them. “I need you to please see that you are more than worth loving, sweetheart. You were hurt and I’m sorry about that.”
He’d lost her. She’d always be his mate. She was marked and he’d done the ritual, but he’d lost her. He didn’t know how to fix this and told her as much. “How can I after what happened? I left that door open. I was the one that did it. The guards had just gone past on their rounds. If I’d been quicker or later they’d have secured the door. But because of what I did it was left open,” he told her quietly even as he breathed her in, knowing that he might never get another chance to touch her. “The rebels got in, they’d seen what I’d done and used that opportunity. Had I not been so much in a rush I would have checked it as we’d been taught, but I didn’t want to miss seeing them before we had to go to bed. It was the last time I ever saw them,” he whispered softly.