by Honor James
She didn’t know how to make this better for him. It was something that he would have to see as right.
Sitting back he looked at her, wanting to touch her, stroke her hair one last time but knew he no longer had that right. He’d failed her on a level he knew could never be repaired. Pushing to his feet he looked down at her. “I’ll take you back, Harker,” he said, the words sticking in his throat and nearly choking him. “I’m sorry I can’t be what you need, but know I never meant to hurt you,” he said softly. Silently he gave her his love vowing to never forget her but kept it silent since he no longer had the right to say the words aloud. Looking away he blinked back tears, something he hadn’t had in centuries. “I just wish it was as easy as saying the right words and letting it all fade, but it’s not,” he whispered more to himself than her. “Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some it only makes worse.” And now he’d added one more to the list. Hurting his mate was akin to slicing his own throat. “Maybe you were right,” he said, looking to her again. “Maybe I never should have come to you in the dreams after that first time. At least then…” He shook his head and swallowed. “At least then I wouldn’t feel like I’m dying inside.”
“So you will allow me to live out what pitiful life I have all alone?” She was hurting. He wasn’t even willing to move past his pain but instead was willing to have that as his companion rather than her. “You are choosing a mistake made as a child to keep you warm and love you through the rest of your life to the woman who is willing to give up everything just to be with you.” She stood and nodded. “No need to take me home, Miklos Farkas. I think I know how to use the phone. I will call for a ride.”
She stepped away from him and turned to look back at him. “I will send your sweater back when I get home. I hope that your memories are just what you need, Miklos, but in case one day you change your mind”—she walked to the door and turned away again, speaking over her shoulder—“you know where to find me.” It was the hardest thing she had ever done but she didn’t know how to help him. He wasn’t willing to allow himself forgiveness, and there was no room for her in his heart when all it held was sorrow for something that happened as a child.
“Harker,” he whispered when instead he should have been yelling. Moving slowly forward he followed after her, her scent hot and sad in the air. He came up behind her as she picked up the phone, obviously just finding it, and put his hand over hers. “Don’t,” he said quietly. Keeping his eyes down where his hand rested over hers he shook his head. “I don’t want you to go, Harker. The thought of losing you is even worse than the actual loss of my parents.” He didn’t know what to say, if there was anything to say, or how to say it.
“I don’t want to leave, Miklos. I want to stay here, at our home with you but I can’t. If you can’t step past that, if you can’t realize you aren’t to blame there is no room for me there. I want to be here with you, Miklos. I love you so very much and it kills me to know that I have to leave, but if I stay you will never forgive yourself. You can never have a place in your heart for me when all there is in there is the pain and thinking that you are at fault.” She was crying so hard she couldn’t even see past the tears, but until he could forgive himself there was never going to be a true place for her in his heart.
Turning her to him he pressed his cheek to hers and hugged her close. “I need you here with me, Harker. You’re the only thing keeping me together, love,” he whispered softly. Burying his nose against her neck he breathed her in deeply. “If you leave then there’s nothing, absolutely nothing for me here. I’ve been trying to get past this self-hatred for a very, very long time. I think you might be the only one that could help me. But you can’t stay if I can’t get past it and I can’t get past it without you here.” It was a paradox, damned if you do, damned if you don’t so to speak, he realized.
She hugged him closely as well. Her arms around his waist and face to his chest she held onto him. “I love you, Miklos. Is there even a way for us to be together? Is there a way for us to be together without you always questioning my love for you or pushing me away with your thoughts that I am leaving?”
“Don’t leave,” he whispered to her softly. “Stay with me, don’t let me push you away, kick me when I’m being an asshole, Harker. I don’t want to lose you, Harker. I love you, I need you,” he said as he lifted his head just enough to rub his cheek to hers.
Her hands clenched on his shirt as she smiled and looked up at him. “I love you, too, Miklos and I need you. I need you more than I need anything else that there is in this world. I want to be with you. Very much I want to be with you and we need to be together and I will take you seriously. You said for me to kick you when you’re being an ass. I will do just that, do you understand me?”
Nodding he pressed his forehead to hers. “Do it,” he said, “I don’t care. Just don’t ever leave me.” He knew he was begging. He knew he was not being as strong as he should be but this was his mate and he didn’t give two shits. “I need you, Harker, I’ll always need you,” he murmured before kissing her cheek lightly, tentatively to give her time to pull back and away.
“Then kiss me,” she demanded as she turned her face up to him. It would be up to him to close the remainder of the distance between them. He had to give her this. He had to give her this extra little boost, needed it from him.
Sliding his hands up, he cupped her cheeks and kissed her as she demanded. It wasn’t a hardship at all, her taste wrapping around him and pulling him in deeper. Moaning against her mouth he tipped her head and slid his tongue into her mouth, stroking her tongue with need.
She kissed him back, her body moving closer to his and kissing him as hungrily and needily as he was kissing her. When she pulled back she licked her lips. “I love you, Miklos.” She wanted him, needed him again. Just that quickly she wanted him.
“Will you stay?” he asked softly, scared she might still want to leave. He was terrified that she might still walk out that door and never come back. “I love you, Harker, don’t leave,” he whispered against her cheek.
“Not leaving, Miklos. I will, however, kick you if you start to push me away again.” She licked her lips. “Don’t push me away, Miklos. I want to stay. I want forever with you, Miklos, but that means everything, that means you changing me one day without complaining and getting angry with me.”
“I’ll change you whenever you want, I promise but I may complain a little,” he whispered softly. “I still don’t like to see you in pain, anyone in pain, and the change is not exactly a tickle to the ribs, love.”
“I know, and I want to wait until I am not hurting so much in the back and then we will look at it, all right, love?” She stroked her hand up and down his arms. “I love you, Mik. I know I keep saying it but I need for you to really, really hear it. I love you. You are my life and I need you to know that, I need you to accept that.”
Nodding slowly he pulled her into his arms again and kissed her neck as he held her tight, ever careful of her wounds. “I hear you, Harker, but it may take me a little while to really get it. Laz always said I was a little slow,” he murmured softly. “I love you, Harker. I need you to know that, to know that I won’t ever let you go. You’re mine,” he said, kissing her soft skin again.
“I know that you love me. I feel it when you look at me and when you kiss me and love me.” She sighed and bit her lip. “Now, I think that we need to choose what we are doing. Either we are going to make love or we are going to go to my place and pack up some things and then come back here and spend the next however long we have left before you go back to work in bed.”
“I think we should get you some things so that you are more comfortable here,” he said quietly as he leaned back and stroked her cheek. “I’m going to take some more time off,” he decided right there in that moment. “I want some more time with you and since I don’t like the idea of you being hurt and alone for the next few days I’m going to take a few of my holiday days off. If you want me here tho
ugh,” he said quietly, hoping he wasn’t pushing his luck.
“I would love that, Miklos. I had wanted that but I didn’t want to ask it because I didn’t want to ask that of you, however,” she said with a sigh. “Your choice has made me very happy, Miklos, so let’s get us out of here and toward my old house so that we can get me some clothes and we can have our time together, naked preferably.”
“Naked is the only way that we’ll be spending our time.” He smiled slightly. He’d call his captain once they were back. Taking her hand in his he kissed her fingers. “Let’s get a move on, love,” he told her. Now that they had a goal he just wanted to get everything done and get her back home and in his bed.
“Right, a move on is a good thing.” She laughed and moved with him toward the door, more tugging him than anything. “Come on, darling, I’m ready but you are the one with the keys, sweetheart.”
“I’m right behind you,” he said softly, letting her tug him along. He was just glad she was smiling again. Harker crying was something he never wanted to see again. Pulling out his keys he tugged her toward the garage. “We’re taking the truck, love, not the car or you’re really going to be limited as to what we can bring back.”
“Right, we will take the truck.” She looked at him and licked her lips. “I want to be happy, Miklos, and you are the only one who can make me happy. You are the only one who can ever make me happy.” When she saw the truck she opened her eyes wide. “Now that is a massive truck.” It was a man’s work truck.
“Bigger is better,” he said with a quick grin as he opened the door for her. “Up you go,” he urged, helping her up into it. Moving around he climbed in and opened the garage door as he started the engine. Pulling out he headed down the drive. “Like I said, I only use it for cleanup around the yard and such.”
“What do you clean up? Trees and things like that?” She was snickering. “And yes, bigger is so very much better.” Her gaze fell to his crotch. She couldn’t do that but she couldn’t have stopped herself if she had tried.
“Eyes up, woman,” he said, without taking his eyes from the road. “Clearing out the deadwood from the winter, basically the underbrush that dies or has been damaged. All the land that we, my brothers and I, have,” he clarified, “is woodland. We take caring for it very seriously. It’s our way of keeping the Earth green and keeping it from being developed.”
“And it is likely the best thing for the wolves that I’m sure walk around your property, or am I wrong?” she asked with a smile. “I mean I haven’t heard any of them. However, you would never know with all the property that you have, right?”
That had him glancing to her and he smiled slowly. “How’d you figure that one out?” he asked curiously. Returning his eyes to the road he shook his head. “I know I didn’t say anything and they have been quiet.” He frowned at that. “Remind me to check on them when we get back,” he murmured, wondering now. Normally he’d hear them at night even if they were just playing, but he hadn’t recently, since Harker had come home with him as a matter of fact, he realized.
“Because you are a Wolf, Miklos, you have a lot of property and it only makes sense that you would have a wolf pack that you can run with when you change into all Wolfy and furry, right?” It had made sense to her. However, now she wasn’t so sure that it made a lot of sense at all.
Smiling at that he shook his head. “You’re too damned smart is what you are,” he told her. “But you are right. I do have a pack on our land. My brothers all have one as well. It’s just added security in reality for all of us.”
“How will they take me interrupting your life?” she asked with a smile. “I mean, a woman just suddenly moving in on your turf. Do you think that they aren’t around right now because of me?”
“I don’t know, love,” he said, his concern back to the wolves. “They should know you’re there. They would have scented you as soon as we came onto the property. They would know, from my scent as well as yours combining just who you are. They likely won’t have a problem with you since they, like the other packs with my brothers, see me as alpha. But I don’t know why they’d be so quiet. The last time they were was when one of the females was giving birth and she nearly tore out a chunk of one of the males who was being a pest.”
“Do you want to go back now and check on them, Mik?” Now she was worried about these wolves she had never met. “We can go back and check on them. We will get to the house later but right now we can go and check on the wolves just to make sure that they are still all right.”
Shaking his head he looked to her. “No, we’ll do it when we get back. But let’s make this a quick trip tonight,” he asked softly. “We’ll need to spend some time with them so if we go back we won’t get to your place until tomorrow at the earliest. They’ll be fine for a little while longer,” he reassured her even as he hoped he was right.
“All right.” She was going to trust that he knew what he was saying. “We will hurry at my place, just get some clothes so that I have them to go out the next time we leave the house and then we will come home and spend some time with your pack.” She grinned as she asked, “Will you show me how you look as a Wolf as well?”
Glancing over in surprise he nodded even before the words fully sank into his head. “If you want,” he said, unsure about that. He knew she had to be curious and he knew that she had to be wondering at the process so he’d give her that if she wanted. “We’ll do that when we’re alone. The pack doesn’t like me changing on the fly around them. They’re okay if I’m out running with them as a Wolf, but they don’t quite understand the shift.”
“All right, that sounds fair enough. Two humans can face them and speak and then later, later in our bedroom you can shift so that I can see…” Her words died off as she saw the angry azure skies and the smoke filling the air. A frown was on her face as she realized, “That’s my neighborhood.” She hoped that it wasn’t one of her neighbors. She had an elderly couple to one side of her and a young family on the other side of her.
Sniffing, Miklos frowned. “It’s burning hot,” he told her as he rolled the window down. “They’ve got hoses out but from the sounds of things they’re doing damage control only.” Stopping when the cop signaled them, he pulled out his wallet and didn’t hesitate to flash the badge. “Where’s the fire?” Miklos asked quietly of the patrolman.
The patrolman nodded and pointed toward the houses. “1514 Hamilton Place, seems there…” He stopped when Harker jumped out of the car to run toward the fire.
Chapter 20
She heard her address. That was all she heard before she had the door opening and was running for the fire. Her house, her home was on fire. Tears fell from the pain of losing her house and from the heat of the fire and smoke.
Throwing the car into park Miklos was out and after her fast, chasing her down. Catching her before she got too close he carefully swung her into his arms and kept her from smacking him to let her go. “Harker,” he said in a low voice. “Breathe, baby,” he told her as he turned her face into his chest, his eyes on the flames eating at her life, everything she owned going up in heavy black smoke.
“It’s all gone.” Her knees gave way. She had already made the choice to be with Miklos. However, she had thought that she would be able to bring her things, her life, with her. She beat at his chest, not because she was angry with him, but because she had to. She was so upset and her head fell to his chest. “Why?”
“I don’t know, honey,” he said softly as he knelt with her on the sidewalk and just held her. Rocking her back and forth he stroked her hair gently. “But we’ll find out, I promise you that.” Kissing her neck gently he hugged her close as she watched the flames and the fire crews trying to keep the neighboring houses from going up as they let her home burn.
She turned her face to his chest and nodded. “Take me home.” She couldn’t watch this. She was hurting with each and every breath of burning air that she drew in. “I just, I want to go home, Miklos
. Take me home please?” she whispered.
Scooping her into his arms he stood and carried her back to the car ignoring the looks of the men he recognized as part of her firehall. Opening the door he settled her in and buckled her up. Quickly he moved around and got them away from the area. Reaching over he took her hand and laced his fingers through hers and just held on staying silent as her pain tore at him.
She turned toward him and closed her other hand over his. “This is because of who I am to you, isn’t it?” she whispered. “And before you even say anything, this is not your fault.” She already knew him too well, knew he was ready to accept the blame for what had happened.
“Maybe,” he said to pacify her even though he was thinking the same thing. Someone had done this and it might just be a warning or…“What if it isn’t?” he asked with a frown, glancing briefly at her. “What if it’s the guy that torched the warehouse, Harker? More than likely he was there watching it burn. You’d be a target because you put out his handiwork.”
“You know that is something I hadn’t even thought about.” She licked her lips and looked around, twisting in her seat. “So if he has targeted me then he likely read the papers about me making it out. All right, so we need to make a call to the fire inspector because he will want to speak to me. But I don’t want them to know our address, Miklos. I don’t want them to be able to know where I am now in case they choose to target our new home, so I think that we should have them meet us somewhere else?”