I'm Still Standing

by Colleen Coleman

  ‘The pleasure is all mine.’ I laugh and we press our bodies closer, dancing slowly on this dusty floor to some sort of soundless music that it seems only we can hear. I tilt my face towards his neck, and he pulls me up by my waist onto my tiptoes. His lips brush against my cheek, and this, the lightest of touches, sends a current through my skin, a shock that makes my entire body shudder.

  He whispers by my ear, his breath warm and close. ‘If you want me to stop, tell me now.’ I say nothing. I can’t speak; there is no air in my lungs. And I don’t want him to stop. Slowly he brushes his lips upwards along my face, kissing me where my hairline meets my temple.

  ‘Or now,’ he says again, his voice deep and low.

  Still I say nothing. I want more. His lips travel down, now against the hollow of my cheekbone. His mouth is ready, warm and waiting like a question, with lips half parted, his breath suspended.

  ‘Or…’

  ‘Now,’ I gasp as I reach up and pull him to me, breathless in a new and urgent way.

  Our lips meet, the current now coursing through me from my mouth right down to my tiptoed feet. Danny groans softly, low in his throat, and then his arms circle around me, hoisting me closer to him. The space around us evaporates. I can hear nothing but his breath, I feel nothing but his body. There is only now, and us, and this energy we have between us, and in this moment I feel infinite.

  His hands are everywhere, up my back and over my arms, and suddenly he’s kissing me harder, deeper, with a fervent, urgent need I’ve never known before. There is no time, and yet we have all the time. He is like a new universe, uncharted sky; I want to explore every inch of him. I want to go in so far, so deep; I want to get lost in him.

  I’ve had a glimpse, a taste, and I realise I’ll never have enough. Something in me has opened up, unlocked, exploded. This is like the Big Bang, the explosive pinpoint in time when all events come together in a storm of potent energy, in exactly the right way to make everything else possible.

  Trembling, I knot my fists in his shirt, pulling him towards me harder, because I felt it. Just now.

  Because Danny Foy is my Big Bang.

  Chapter Eighteen

  As I walk up the stairs, ready to collapse into bed after a full day of cleaning in the pub, I check my twelve-page checklist one more time. There’s so much going on tomorrow that I’ve had to write down a timeline of tasks, everything in five-minute chunks so we know who is where, what they are doing and how much they cost. We absolutely cannot afford to balls it up. Not only is the lease eating through my savings, but so is all the work that needs doing to bring it up to scratch: materials and labour and then new stock seeing as Colm really only sold Guinness and whiskey to his regulars. Then there’s been a budget overspill into things that never crossed my mind, like glassware, staff uniforms, mousetraps and stacks of new toilet paper that’s not yellowed around the edges.

  No sooner do I shut the front door of our flat behind me than there’s a knock. And a tiny voice calling my name. ‘Helloo, Evelyn? Are you there? Can I have a word?’

  It’s Moira. The last person in the world I’m in the mood to have a conversation with now, but what choice do I have? She knows I’m in, I can hardly say no. And it’s her house. She has the power to throw me out on the front step if she takes a notion. And from the way she treats her granddaughter, I wouldn’t put that past her…

  I paste on my best fake smile. Tara does it for a living, so I guess I can do it for five minutes to appease my landlady. I open the door, but just a smidge.

  ‘Hi, Moira, lovely to see you. What can I do for you?’

  ‘It’s about Ruby.’ I open the door fully. ‘We have an appointment tomorrow to meet with her headmaster. I was thinking, seeing as you’ve been such a help to her, that maybe you could go on my behalf. Talk to them about her, you know, give them hell. She’s been doing a lot better since you’ve been helping her; she likes calling in to the pub and doing her homework down there. It’s what I’ve said all along – she just needed the right help.’

  ‘Tomorrow? Oh Moira, any other time, I would love to go. But I’ve taken on Rosie Munroe’s and we’re working our socks off all week to get it ready for Saturday – our grand opening.’

  Moira widens her eyes and coughs into her fist. ‘That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, Evelyn.’

  ‘Let Ruby know I’m really sorry, and I hope it goes well. Fill me in when you get back.’ I step back to close the door; I need my bed now, and my eyes are stinging with tiredness.

  Moira juts her chin in the air. ‘I told her as much.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I told her not to expect anything from you. That you’d be busy and make your excuses. People don’t just drop everything for others – it doesn’t work like that.’ She is staring at me, arms folded, like I owe her more.

  I take a deep breath, ready to reiterate my reasons for not going. It’s not because I can’t be bothered; it’s because I can’t abandon the refurbishment.

  ‘That’s not the case, Moira. If it wasn’t such a big day tomorrow, I’d definitely go – I’d like to meet her teachers and put her case forward, support her, ask the questions she needs answered. It’s just a timing thing. I can’t not be there at the pub whilst the work’s going on. I’ve got to organise everyone. I’ve got everything riding on this new business, and we have no income while we’re closed, so the turnaround is really tight. I can’t dick the guys around – they have to stay on track otherwise the paint literally won’t be dry by opening night.’

  My voice is starting to crack. I can’t believe Moira thinks I would just not show up for Ruby without good reason. But I can’t skip tomorrow. It’s not just my reputation at stake, it’s Danny’s too. What kind of partner would he think I was if I was already too busy to help? The pub’s not even open yet.

  But Moira’s not having it, and she strikes her hand against the door.

  ‘I wish you’d thought about that before you went and put stars in her eyes. Now she thinks everything is on the up. She thinks she’s going to pass her exams and get into art college and do all the things she wants to and have a great life altogether.’ She is shaking her head like these things are catastrophic, and for the first time it dawns on me that Moira doesn’t want Ruby to succeed. She wants her to stay like she is, unhappy and unfulfilled but close by, at home, within easy reach. Poor Ruby. You need the people around you to love you enough to let you go and live the life you want – even if it means moving away and leaving them behind. I feel my heart swell in my chest.

  Moira is jabbering on, pointing a sharp-nailed finger in the air. ‘I warned her that reality doesn’t work out that way. “Prepare to be disappointed,” I said. I told her not to get her hopes up, that that’s not real life.’

  I open the door as wide as it will go and step square in front of Moira. If I did put stars in Ruby’s eyes, then wonderful. Now I’ve got to make sure she keeps reaching for them.

  ‘No, Moira. You’re wrong. It could be Ruby’s real life. It could be her reality if she keeps believing in herself and working hard towards her dream the way she is.’

  Moira tuts at me and rolls her eyes. A flashback to James’s eye-rolling sends fury boiling through me. How dare people put limitations on others? How dare Moira or James or anyone else determine what is or isn’t possible for people to achieve?

  I raise my hand to halt Moira’s riposte.

  ‘Tomorrow. At Ruby’s school. I’ll be there.’

  ‘Oh, so you can make it now.’ She cocks a disbelieving eyebrow.

  I’ll have to call Danny and explain, but somehow I know he’s going to understand. It’s Ruby’s future at stake here. I’ve got to tread carefully – her dreams are fragile. The slightest setback could tear them apart. If showing up for her makes the difference, then that’s what I’ve got to do. It’s funny: I’d never have trusted James to take over a big project like I’m asking Danny to do. Even though I haven’t known him that long, he un
derstands what it means to me. He won’t let me down. We’ve got to trust each other now that we’re partners. That’s how it has to be.

  ‘I’ll work it out. Just tell me when and where.’

  ‘St Augustine’s, just off Parnell Street. The appointment is at midday; expect a bit of a journey to get there. There are always roadworks, traffic jams on that side of town. And don’t get me started on the parking: complete nightmare.’

  Great. Operation Rosie Munroe’s is only just getting going, and tomorrow I’ll be exactly where I never thought I’d be again: sitting in a classroom. But this time I’ll be on the other side of the desk, fighting for the most important student I’ve ever had.

  Chapter Nineteen

  ‘Let me put you in the picture, Ms Dooley.’ Ruby’s head teacher, Mr Byrne, cracks his hard-boiled egg against the desk. ‘The case of Ruby O’Shea is far from straightforward.’ He picks away the fragments of shell and piles them up into a little mound in front of him. ‘Now, I’ll be frank with you,’ he whispers, turning in his chair to check that no one is behind him. Satisfied that the coast is clear, he continues. ‘After everything that happened last year, we thought we’d seen the end of Ruby…’

  ‘I don’t follow, Mr Byrne,’ I say, tired of his conspiratorial vagueness.

  ‘She’s a promiscuous sort of girl anyhow – you can always spot them a mile off – and she had a boyfriend called Dylan. He was a complete moron, involved with petty crime and gangs and the like. Anyway, she got involved with the wrong crowd and her attendance, her attitude, the standard of her school work slipped; she went completely off the rails.’ He opens a file in front of him, shaking his head. ‘An absolute nightmare on every level. Then her grandmother shows up shouting the odds, wants everything brushed under the carpet – forget anything ever happened and can we all please back off and leave them alone.’

  He pops the whole egg into his mouth. I wince before I can help myself.

  ‘Why would she do that?’

  He opens his eggy mouth to reply and throws his arms up in the air.

  ‘Because she is a total nutjob!’ He counts on his fingers. ‘She couldn’t give a toss about anyone but herself. She’s banned from here; she went for me at a parents’ evening when I told her that she could be fined for Ruby’s truancy – launched herself at me like a ninja, wrapped her hands around my neck. Absolute maniac.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ I say, as I consider how much courage it must have taken for Ruby to trust me. The poor girl had cried out for help and nobody had listened, nobody had cared what was going on in her life.

  ‘What’s the problem now? Why did you need to see me today?’

  Mr Byrne shakes his head as he brushes the broken eggshell to the edge of the table and into his cupped hand.

  ‘Ruby’s back at square one. Her grades have slipped. She won’t pass her exams at this rate, and then what kind of future will she have? Probably not a very nice one.’ He pauses and locks eyes with me.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong. I like Ruby. She’s a good girl in her own way, smart at times too. But it’s just one drama after another. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.’ His shoulders slump low in resignation. ‘She seems to have given up and doesn’t pay attention to her studies any more. It’s unlikely that things will ever get better for her if she carries on this way. What happens next is anyone’s guess. So, some friendly advice from me to you: get her to buck her ideas up, or she has no future.’

  I stay seated, trying to absorb everything he has told me. The school have given up on her – they’re just counting down the days until she’s not their problem any more. The lunch bell rings and Mr Byrne stands to end the meeting.

  ‘I can tell by the look on your face that you don’t believe me. Fine – you think you can do a better job? Be my guest.’ He slides his chair underneath the table and walks me out of the office.

  I text Danny and tell him that I may be a little while longer, because first I need to find Ruby and think of a way to tell her that she needs to pull her finger out, get the work done and pass her exams. And then I’ve just got to wait and see if anything I say will make a blind bit of difference.

  As I turn in at the gate of the house, I spot her sitting on the steps, sketching in her folder. I slow down and take my time opening the gate and thinking about what I am going to say to her. She’s already so far away from the angry girl I found here in a drunken heap not so long ago. She’s moving in the right direction, she’s made so much progress; I want to tell her to keep going, to keep working, that it will all pay off in the long run, but the long run seems so very far away when you’re seventeen and surrounded by obstacles. And I also know that it doesn’t work when someone simply tells you what you need to do or what you should be thinking. It needs to come from inside, a desire to do it for yourself.

  ‘Hey there,’ I say, sitting beside her on the step. ‘Just been to your school, met Mr Byrne.’ She blinks quickly and doesn’t smile. ‘I got an idea about what it might be like there.’ She looks up at me this time. ‘The good news is he still thinks you have time to turn it around.’

  Ruby shakes her head and drops her pencil. ‘Why should I? They don’t help, they don’t like me, they can’t wait for me to leave and get out of their way.’

  ‘Whether that’s the case or not isn’t important. There will always be people standing in your way, trying to block you, and there will always be people standing up for you, fighting your corner, encouraging you and wanting to help you along. So it’s important that you pay attention to the right people.’

  I pick up her pencil and hand it back to her. ‘Ruby, as you grow up, you are told the world is fixed, that things are the way they are supposed to be and your main goal should be just to live your life according to the rules. Try not to make too much noise, or cause too much fuss, or draw attention to yourself. Don’t bash into the walls or break anything. Try to be good, stay safe and save a little money.’

  I swallow hard and try to pick my next words carefully, so that she really hears me, really understands what I’m trying to say.

  ‘That’s a very limited way to live. Life can be much broader once you understand one simple fact: everything around you was made up by people who were no smarter than you, no better than you; it’s just that they were really brave. And if you can find your courage, you can change whatever you need to, you can be in charge of your life and you can live the biggest, boldest life you can dream of. Once you learn that, you’re never quite the same again.’

  She looks up at me. ‘Is that what happened to you?’ she asks.

  ‘Yes,’ I tell her. ‘It’s what is still happening to me.’

  She nods, closes her eyes and hugs her legs a moment, then stands up and stretches her arms into the sky.

  ‘Right, I’m going inside. I’ve got some studying to do.’

  And I think about telling her that I’m already so proud of her. But I can see from the funny little look on her face that she already knows.

  Chapter Twenty

  Tonight is the night: the grand opening.

  A wave of adrenalin ripples through me as I think about everything that has happened, good and not so good, to bring me to this point. Standing behind this counter, on the cusp of a new career, is a huge adventure. But there is no denying it, it is also a big risk. A very big, expensive, public risk. I’ve woken up in a cold sweat every night this week, panicking myself with negative thoughts. What if no one shows up? Or if loads of people show up but we run out of beer? Or gin? Or ice? Or staff? What if the toilet gets blocked, or overflows, or another fight breaks out and someone gets hurt and the police are called, or one of the other ten thousand things that could go wrong tonight happens? I feel like I’ve not slept a wink, fighting off these doomsday scenarios that haunt me the moment I close my eyes at night.

  And I know it’s not all unfounded fear. Any or all of these things could happen. The closest thing I’ve ever done to this is serving tea and sandwi
ches with my mother’s church group.

  Holy shit, this is terrifying. I grab the counter and try to channel Rosie Munroe. Fearless and brimming with self-belief. A woman with purpose, with vision. That’s how I need to feel right now. And I am feeling it; I just need to anchor it, to stay calm and keep my head together and not let myself get overawed at how this is really coming together. Because if this is anything, it’s pretty awesome.

  Danny carries in a crate of beer and starts stocking the fridge. ‘What’s wrong? You don’t look yourself. Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m so nervous.’

  He puts his hands on my shoulders. ‘Nothing to worry about. We’ve booked Supanova! These guys are the hottest ticket around. They are going to bring a flock of punters with them – tonight could seriously put us on the map as the best new live music venue in the city.’

  ‘Or the worst.’ I clutch at my chest. I’m the most nervous I’ve ever been in my life. ‘What was I thinking? How can we possibly do this? If Colm couldn’t do it, why on earth did I think we could pull it off?’

  ‘We are going to pull it off because we’ve broken our backs getting this place sorted out, and it looks incredible. We’ve put in the work. We’re ready. Colm stopped trying; he stopped believing. We are trying and we do believe. It’s going to be sensational, I promise you. I won’t let you down.’

  I nod along and start helping him with the bottles, trying to take deep breaths.

  He throws a lemon at me and laughs. ‘Do you feel like you need the toilet more than normal?’

  ‘Yes! How did you know? But I can’t go. Do you think something is wrong? Oh, I can’t be sick tonight, of all nights!’

  ‘Stage fright, Evelyn. That’s all it is. I used to get it all the time when I first started performing. But instead of feeling nervous, you just say to yourself three times, “I’m excited. I’m excited. I’m excited.”’