Vampires Don't Cry: The Collection

by Ian Hall

Valérie and I practiced catching a vamp using Terry as a stand-in vampire. We practiced a method of darting that Finch and Valérie had used on missions before. I’d push the gun into his chest, and say ‘Gun Home.’ Valérie would answer ‘clear’ if she didn’t feel the gun pushed into her. It seemed straightforward when we were all visible, but I felt sure that it’d change pretty damn quickly on the streets.

  At midnight, we all boarded our ambulances, and singly, to reduce attention, we set off south, towards Phoenix.

  The three Helsings sat up front, with Valérie sitting behind them, leaning into the cab.

  I didn’t feel much like talking anyways, so I climbed on a gurney in the back and pretended to sleep. Valérie chatted to the three Helsings, although she had to pull teeth to get some conversation going. Turns out it had been the first time they’d actually met a vampire they hadn’t tried to kill. That made for awkward initial contact, but Valérie turned out to be a pro; she had them in the palm of her hand within the hour. The fact that she looked fucking gorgeous probably helped. They didn’t look the types to be turned by a pretty vampire, but they were men, and they all had dicks.

  The radio buzzed into life. “Target one is still stationary.”

  Valérie grabbed the mike. “Verified?”

  “Verified by sight, in her upstairs bedroom. She’s doing something, but she’s there, all right.”

  “Seems far too easy.”

  So the last two Blanche vampires were going to die. It seemed the best part of today’s mission that the last presence of that evil man would perish. I gave one thought to Lyman, doing exactly the same with Angela McCartney.

  “What’s our ETA?” Valérie asked the driver.

  “Thirty-ish, maybe thirty-five minutes.”

  She turned to me. “You ready?”

  “Oh, yeah.” I felt enthusiastic about this part. I had no need to pretend.

  When we reached the nice suburban part of Phoenix where Judy Miller lived, we stopped a fair bit down the street.

  Chuck joined us in the back of the ambulance. Valérie took hands with both of us, and we all disappeared.

  “Wow!” Terry exclaimed from the front seat.

  “Good trick, huh?” Valérie’s voice came out of nowhere. “Let’s go.”

  Election Blues

  The driver parked the ambulance just outside the campus, and Finch and I got invisible before we got out.

  “Last check on her position?” Finch asked, her voice drifting back into the vehicle.

  “Target check?” Hideo shook his head, looking back at the open door.

  “Target still visible. She’s working in her office.”

  Whispering to each other, we trotted onto the campus and towards the administration building. Looking through the main door, we could make out a security guard inside. Opening the door as little as possible, we stole inside.

  “Different guard,” I whispered.

  “Yup.”

  I passed him, then I noticed a certain strangeness about his uniform. It didn’t fit.

  “Wait!” I hissed. I felt Finch’s hands grab my arm, as if she’d been sweeping the air looking for me.

  “What’s up?”

  “He’s not dressed right, the uniform’s too big.” I took her hand and moved closer. “He could be Cartel.”

  I knew Finch had moved closer.

  “Vampire,” Finch whispered right in my ear. “Wait here.”

  I felt her let go of my hand and I stood, dart gun in hand, ready to give assistance, if needed. Suddenly the man stiffened, gripping the desk in front of him, then slumped back into his chair.

  I waited a moment. “Finch?”

  “I’m here, he’s done.” Her voice sounded close.

  “Dead?”

  “Dead and dispatched.”

  “Oh.” Man she’d been quick. “We better be careful, there may be more.”

  “Stairs.”

  As we neared the top of the stairs, two heads became visible, standing at the double doors to Angela’s corridor. Again I felt Finch grab my arm. “Wait here.” And she left me, three quarters of the way up the wide staircase. Ten seconds passed, no more. “Lyman?”

  “Here,” I whispered.

  “They’re both vampires. And they’re not sleeping, they’re ready for trouble.” Finch clutched my arm, and pulled me father down the staircase. “We can’t do this individually, it’ll have to be a double hit, timed. You okay with that?”

  “I think so,” I whispered back.

  “Okay, here’s what we’ll do. We stand six feet in front of them, you’ll take the far guy, sword ready. I’ll be in front of the near one. When we’re in position, I’ll pat your side three times, very rhythmical; we strike through the heart on the fourth stroke.” She pulled me close, tapped me. “Got it?”

  “Yes. One, two, three, bam.”

  “Okay, now you put your hand over his mouth at the same time. You have to force his body back against the door, and hold him against the door as quietly as you can until he dies.”

  “Okay.”

  “You sure you’re on board?”

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  “We’ll hold hands for this one, just to get properly into position.” She fumbled for my hand. “Bãtrane ready.”

  I slipped the knife easily from its sheath, then passed it to my left hand for carrying.

  “Ready?” I felt her hand squeeze mine; her gesture of reassurance.

  “Yup.”

  With Finch taking my hand, we walked carefully and methodically up the stairs. As we neared the top, I could see my target. Both men looked Latino, quite short, but also very professional. They didn’t speak to each other, just stood, looking out from the doorway.

  Mine had his arms folded, he looked barely twenty. Both had security guards uniforms on, but again, they didn’t fit quite right, and their hair looked untidy. I felt sure they were Cartel men, but I wasn’t certain I could smell vampire from them.

  Finch let go my hand. I raised my Bãtrane above my head, holding my breath in case they could smell me.

  She slowly tapped my side. One. Two. Three.

  On four, I surged forward and plunged my blade into his chest, right of center, right down to the guard. At the same time I pushed my body against him, closing my hand over his mouth. But I needn’t have bothered, he fell limply against the door, my body stopping him from falling to the ground.

  Beside him, his friend struggled against Finch’s grip, but soon also lay dead against the double doors.

  Carefully, I pulled my body to one side, and chanced a look through the small window in the door. The corridor looked empty.

  “That might be it,” I said as the second body magically slid to the floor.

  I pushed against the door, and it swung inward. “Doors aren’t locked.” I whispered over my shoulder.

  “Angela obviously thought the guards would be enough.”

  We swiftly moved along the corridor, to Angela’s door. No window this time. I carefully turned the round handle and pushed it open a crack. Crouched at the door, I could see Angela sitting at her desk, partially turned away from me. But there seemed no way to get inside without opening the door wider, and she’d have noticed that for sure.

  “PFFT.” Finch’s dart fired over my head, hitting Angela on the upper arm.

  She started to rise, but seemed to find trouble halfway to her feet. Another dart hit her in the neck, and she slumped back in her chair, her face distorted in pain.

  After many decades as a Blanche vampire, Angela McCartney would finally die.

  I walked across the room. “Do we do it here?”

  “Oh yes,” Finch said, and I could hear the humor in her voice. “I’m not risking taking this one back to the truck. Watch. Watch her chest.”

  Slowly, her dress was pulled to one side, showing her bra and cleavage underneath. Then a small cut appeared between her ribs. I suddenly knew what Finch intended. The hole got bigger, and I could pictur
e the small, invisible sliver of wood easing into her heart.

  Angela McCartney gasped, then I watched her take her last breath.

  Her skin slowly atrophied, and she crumbled to the floor behind the desk, her bones disintegrating as they hit the linoleum surface.

  It had been so simple, I almost felt cheated. Her son had proven so much harder to conquer.

  Chuck’s job proved as simple popping a zit.

  Invisibly, Valérie picked the front lock, and pushed the door open. Chuck stepped inside and said, “Come on in.”

  Of course, I couldn’t actually see him do it, but I know where his voice came from, and we’d spoken about it on the walk to the door.

  I shook my head at the stupid law that didn’t allow us vampires into any building without an invite. It just seemed too dumb for words, but it sure as heck existed.

  Valérie walked Chuck back out of the garden, and released him ‘visibly’ back to the ambulance.

  “So now we do our part,” she said from six inches away. It hadn’t alarmed me, I’d heard her footsteps. One of the advantages to being a vampire.

  I didn’t see any alarm panel inside, nor heard any beeping caused by opening the door.

  But I did hear something. Activity. Moans.

  “Someone’s having sex.”

  “Yes, siree,” Valérie answered. “Take my hand for a bit.”

  We moved through the foyer, and into the living room. Darkness, nothing but a couple of nightlights. No guards, no fancy alarms.

  A scream sounded from upstairs. I felt Valérie pull my hand back to the foyer. Then, halfway up, another scream; well, more of a squeal.

  We’d just reached the top of the stairs when a naked woman ran past us from one room to another. Of course she totally ignored us invisible ninjas, although I still felt a sudden, instinctive urge to hide.

  Right behind her, an equally naked man raced after her. By the speed he exhibited, and the erection he sported, they had little chance of even noticing us if we were visible with a marching band for an escort.

  “Judy is mine,” Valérie said, the whispering ninja silence long broken. “You position yourself to be ready to take out the man.”

  “Roger that,” I mimicked so many cop movies, and considering the condition of our targets, stifled a giggle at my choice of words. As I looked into the bedroom, the two vampires were interlocked in more ways than one. The poor boy tried hard to roll old Judy over, but it seemed she’d decided that she’d take the lead, and eventually threw him on his back like a cowboy besting a steer.

  I felt Valérie push past me, and she set off into the room.

  I began to draw my Căluşari dagger, but then re-sheathed it. It seemed so pointless when the quarry lay so easily in our hands. I pulled the pistol, and kept it aimed at the poor guy, bucking so uselessly under the middle-aged woman.

  Then Valérie struck. There proved no need to have been given notice. Judy reared against the double Căluşari strike, and I fired twice at the side of her partner.

  Two pieces of wood later, and we were back in the ambulance, radioing our success in phase one.

  We reached our first staging point for the election, and waited for the radio chatter to confirm that all six vans were still active.

  Then we waited for four o’clock, to pull into our final positions.

  I actually felt nervous, but for obvious reasons, didn’t know the actual reason why.

  “That’s four,” said a voice on the dashboard. “Final positions. Good luck. All radio chatter will cease unless an emergency situation occurs. Radio checks every hour, on the hour.”

  “Radio check, mobile one.”

  The vans all checked in, and we set off for Carver Elementary School, our first stop.

  Ten minutes later, we sat just a few hundred yards from the school.

  Valérie extended her hand. “Ready?”

  “As I’ll ever be.” As I reached for her, I could see my fingers shake. “Fish in a barrel, dad.”

  She took my hand, and we instantly went invisible.

  “Fuck me,” one of the Helsing EMT’s uttered.

  The door opened, and I heard her feet slap on the road. I did the same, and we fumbled the door closed.

  “To the school gates,” Valérie said, and we set off at a steady walking pace.

  Well, I did. I just assumed she did the same.

  The polling station at St Augustine’s Church opened at seven sharp, but even at six-thirty in the early morning, people milled around outside. There were the usual electioneers, big rosette style stickers on their chests, piles of leaflets under their arms, and sheaves of badges and stickers. I’d never seen so many donkeys and elephants in my life.

  Then, standing like disinterested morons at an auction, the public, waiting for their chance to put ‘X’ on a piece of paper, then toddle off to work, their duty done.

  Even I smelled the first vampire of the day. He had a clumsy style, poor coordination, and made little attempt to disguise exactly what he was doing.

  I could hear patter of his footsteps, and within thirty seconds, I’d even kinda marked off his route. He ran in a rough figure of eight, giving his ‘suggestions’ to the people outside.

  Then, suddenly, the footfalls stopped, and I heard the muffled sound of a dart gun.

  Once. Twice.

  Finch’s voice. “We’re done here.”

  I turned and walked to the ambulance, parked just around the corner, and waited at the back door.

  Then it opened and swung wide. I could hear Finch stepping inside, then a girl appeared on the gurney.

  Homely, two darts in her neck.

  “Lyman? You ready?” Finch asked.

  “Yeah, I’m here.” I waked into the ambulance like I’d been blinded, my arms waving in front of me, trying to locate Finch. When I touched her, we fumbled for hands, then she switched us back. All very complicated, but necessary to protect our new secret.

  “Can you guys take us to the next one?” Finch asked, looking at the zombie on the gurney.

  The driver shuffled his papers. “Be there in five minutes.”

  “Wonderful.”

  We were early at the next location, but we set off quickly towards the community center. “We have to have a rendezvous site where we meet up.” I kept my hand in hers. “There’s far too much chance of getting split up.”

  “I agree.”

  I looked around. A single ‘no parking’ sign seemed fine to me, and we agreed.

  Voting had started, but no line at the door. In fact, only one car stood outside. Empty.

  Then a grey van pulled in, and a guy got out. I hustled close, and yup, sure enough, vampire smell.

  Thump, it barreled into me, and I grabbed hold, pulling him to the ground. As I clung tight, the man had walked on, oblivious. “You got him?”

  “Yes, give me a second.”

  I felt Finch’s hands working on him. “Don’t shoot me.” I grinned as I lay there, pinning the vampire’s invisible arms to his invisible body.

  Phfft! Phfft!

  The figure slowly relaxed. I felt Finch pull him off me. “Sign.”

  We met again at the sign, and walked to the ambulance hand in hand. Vampire two delivered.

  It got boring, sad to say. Yes, I had the boyhood property of invisibility, and it quickly got very boring. Waiting on the vampires getting to the polling booths, I idled around, picking up pieces of conversation, checking if any of the rosette wearers were vampire; they weren’t. Ever.

  I imagined giving the pretty voters a frisking, or even quick kiss, but their movements never allowed, and I felt kinda chicken anyway.

  By four o’clock, we’d knocked off twenty-five vampires, and not even one close call. I’d been directly involved in only four of those, either knocking heads against the ground, or just holding them still like the second one.

  At Bedrock Elementary, we’d walked towards the main door, just like every other, we’d found the vampire, again,
just like before. But when we hit him, making him invisible, he screamed out loud.

  Man, the place erupted.

  At least two machine guns opened up, bullets flying in every direction, some ricocheting from the asphalt where I lay, my hands holding the vampire. I felt him jerk a couple of times as the bullets came close, but I never heard the sound of the dart gun.

  I looked around. The muzzle flashes came from all around, at least three of them now. People had taken cover, but even they were being hit, I saw at least two voters or rosette workers fall.

  “Finch!” I rolled the vampire to one side, and got my own dart gun out. “Finch!”

  I put my gun against his chest. Bam. Twice. Double tap.

  The shooting died out quickly, leaving a deathly silence in front of the school.

  I got up to a crouch and called out as loud as I could. “Finch!”

  Nothing.

  Shit.

  I felt for the vampire, found his arm, and slung him over my shoulder. As I walked to my ambulance, I heard distant sirens building.

  I got to the van and pulled the door open.

  “Hideo?”

  “Yes?” He stumbled right into us, almost knocking me back off the van.

  “Here, grab this.”

  Amazingly, he somehow affected a grip of the invisible vampire. I grabbed its chin, run my fingers along the short stubble. Just making certain. Definitely not Finch.

  “Hideo, long story. I think Finch was shot.” I jumped out the back of the van. “You’d better get out of here before you get drawn into the whole mess.”

  “What will you do?”

  “I don’t know,” I said as I set off back to the growing crowd at the school. “I’ll figure something out.”

  Valérie Lidowitz turned out to be the most cruel, black-hearted vampire I’d ever met. But I sure felt glad to be fighting on her side. We took out every one – well, she did. I just stood at her side like the dumb sidekick or the silent guy from Penn & Teller.

  She worked quietly, deadly, totally self-assured.

  When the distant machine gun fire began, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. After we’d got our guy back to the ambulance, we decided to set off to our next stop anyway.