Sydney Harbor Hospital: Zoe's Baby

by Alison Roberts

  Teo edged closer. ‘How’s it looking?’ he asked quietly. It would be no easy task intubating a young child who might well have an airway swollen from heat damage and smoke.

  ‘Can’t see a thing,’ Zoe said tersely. ‘I’ll have to go blind.’

  The attempt was unsuccessful. Zoe looked up and Teo could see that this might very well be too much for her to handle. Of course it was. She was a mother and with the age of this child it had to feel like she was working on her own daughter. Unthinkably difficult.

  ‘Let me try.’ He didn’t give her time to protest. He was, after all, the most qualified person here to be doing this and Zoe didn’t need to know it was because he understood that she couldn’t handle it emotionally—not that she was incompetent professionally. He’d be exactly the same if he had a baby of his own.

  Just as well he didn’t. And never would.

  Zoe hesitated, though. Teo actually had to push her hand out of the way to take hold of the laryngoscope. He could feel how tense she was but this was a tense situation. He still managed to keep his voice perfectly calm.

  ‘A guide wire would be good, if you’ve got one.’

  She did. The tube slipped into place. By the time he’d checked the position of the tube and given the baby a couple of good squirts of oxygen with the bag mask, it was time to try defibrillating the infant again. They were also by this time pulling into the emergency department of the Harbour.

  They got a rhythm. They took a few minutes before opening the doors to make sure the baby’s condition was reasonably stable. It appeared to be, so as they unloaded the stretcher Teo stepped back. There were plenty of expert hands waiting to take over management inside the doors of the ED. He felt a hand grip his shoulder.

  ‘You’re a mess,’ Luke said. ‘Covered in soot. And have you seen what your clothes look like?’

  Teo looked at his colleague and had to smile. ‘Hey, you’re not looking any better, mate.’

  ‘Shall we find a shower and some scrubs?’

  ‘Good idea. And then I want to check on how that little guy is doing.’

  ‘I heard about him from one of the fire guys. Also heard that you and that cute paramedic made a good team. Going to follow up?’

  ‘You mean on the kid? Already said that, didn’t I?’

  ‘No, you idiot.’ Luke was grinning. ‘I meant the cute paramedic. She’s still in there now, isn’t she?’

  ‘Probably.’ Teo wasn’t going to let Luke know just how much he was tempted to muscle in on the team that would be at work in one of the resus rooms. To find a moment to let Zoe know that he understood how difficult the case must have been for her and tell her what a good job she had done. ‘Might clean myself up first.’

  He left it too late. By the time he went back into the emergency department, the only familiar face from that morning’s incident he could see was that of John. He was with a white-faced young woman who had her arms wrapped tightly around her body, as if she were afraid something might break if she let go.

  ‘This is Chloe,’ John told Teo. ‘Matthew’s mum. Mattie’s the baby who got rescued from the fire.’

  Teo stilled as he heard Chloe suck in a very shaky breath.

  ‘Teo’s the doctor who was working with the paramedics to save Matthew,’ he told Chloe.

  One paramedic in particular, Teo thought. Only one came to mind, anyway… A hint of a smile tugged at his lips. And they’d saved Mattie? He was doing OK?

  ‘Thank you,’ Chloe whispered. ‘I…don’t know what I would have done if…’ Her voice trailed into a stifled sob.

  ‘We’re just going in to see how well he’s doing.’ John’s raised eyebrow invited Teo to join them.

  The doctor on duty was Mia McKenzie. Her long blonde hair was tied in a neat ponytail and she was listening to the baby’s chest with a stethoscope. An anaesthetist was beside her, checking the settings on a ventilator.

  Mia unhooked her stethoscope as she straightened and smiled at Chloe. ‘I know this still looks scary but we’re keeping Matthew asleep for a little while, until we know that he’d going to be able to manage his breathing on his own.’

  Chloe nodded, her lips trembling. ‘Is he…will he be…?’

  ‘Babies are remarkably resilient,’ Mia said. ‘I’m confident he’s on the road to recovery. He’s going to go up to the intensive care unit now and they’ll want to keep him there at least overnight so they can give him the best possible care.’

  ‘Can I go with him?’

  ‘Of course.’ It was Teo who spoke. He turned to Mia. ‘My team’s on take today. I’ll go up with him if he’s ready?’

  They both took another look at the readings on the monitors. Things were looking stable and Mia had every reason to sound as confident as she had.

  ‘He’s good to go.’ She nodded. ‘Thanks, Teo.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘What do you mean, what’s wrong?’ Zoe gave Tom a sideways glance. ‘Isn’t it enough that we’re stuck in rush-hour traffic, going to what’s probably a non-urgent medical job that’ll we’ll most likely have to transport when we’re due to get off shift in exactly…’ she checked her watch ‘…three minutes?’

  ‘It’s sure been a crazy day. Should have known things would turn to custard after such a quiet start.’

  It had been one job after another ever since the callout to that apartment block fire. Barely any down time for lunch or replenishing supplies. There shouldn’t have been any time or energy available for anything else but Tom was right. Zoe had things on her mind.

  Disturbing things.

  Like when she’d seen Teo at that first job today. It had been so unexpected and it had caught her unawares; her body had reacted a split second before her head had. That tiny curl of sensation in her belly had come with a clear image of seeing Teo emerge from the surf the other day, sun gleaming on warm, brown skin. Wet board shorts clinging to impressively muscular thighs. That hint of a wild edge that his tattoo bestowed.

  The shaft of desire was even stronger than the qualm she’d had on leaving Emma that morning. It was a sensation that demanded recognition in the same way that those other feelings had for days, now, when an echo of her baby’s laughter captured her. Feelings that were like pinpricks of light coming through holes in a dark curtain. Zoe was accustomed to being in that dark place and the light was full of swirling dust motes.

  Unwelcome? No.

  Confusing? Definitely.

  Part of her wished she could turn the clock back a year or more and that she could have met Teo when her life had been…normal. But she wouldn’t have really met him, then, would she? He might have been present at that car accident but he hadn’t stepped into her life until he’d rescued her in the waiting room that day. He’d rescued her again today, come to that. When she’d been faced with a task that had suddenly been overwhelming.

  ‘I’m just a bit peeved, that’s all,’ she muttered aloud.

  More like frustrated. Frightened, even. OK, trying to intubate that baby that morning would have been a challenge and, yes, she’d had a bit of a wobble when she’d looked down at the little face and imagined that it was Emma instead of a stranger’s child, but she would have got over it if she’d been given half a chance. She would have had to because the prospect of failing was terrifying. If she couldn’t do her job properly, what did she have to hang onto that was still the person she remembered herself being? And now she couldn’t know if she would have coped because Teo had stepped in and taken over. Shown her how it was done.

  ‘What about?’

  ‘I could have done that intubation this morning. Why do doctors think they can just take over like that?’

  ‘Hey, the guy’s a paediatric consultant, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes.’
<
br />   ‘So he was the best person for the job. What’s the problem…you had something to prove?’

  He had been the best person for the job and of course Zoe had wanted the best outcome for her patient but…how did he do it? Keeping a professional distance so easily? Did it come with the territory when you had to deal with small, sick children all the time? Kids were clearly a huge part of his life, both at work and at home. He wouldn’t get a whole bunch of them following him around as if he was the Pied Piper or something, like he had at that barbecue, unless the love went both ways. And Emma had been the reason he’d stepped into her life in the waiting room. Not her. She needed to remember that, when her stupid reawakening hormones were making her feel things she wasn’t ready to feel.

  ‘Yeah…I guess.’ Zoe pushed her thoughts away with a sigh. ‘I still feel a bit rusty. And paeds cases are always that bit more intense.’

  ‘Must be even more intense when you’re a parent yourself.’

  Maybe that was it. The reason why Teo could cope so well with children. This was just a wobble because it was the first paediatric case Zoe had had since she’d had her own child. Teo didn’t have kids of his own and didn’t seem to want any. Alisi had told her that.

  ‘He won’t even keep a girlfriend for more than a few weeks,’ she’d confided sadly. ‘I think my ui are going to be the closest thing to his own children that that cousin of mine will ever get.’

  ‘Ui?’

  ‘Piglets.’ Alisi had dissolved into laughter at Zoe’s expression. ‘But in a nice way.’

  ‘Here we are.’ Tom’s announcement was a welcome dead end for the intrusion of personal thoughts. ‘Let’s hope this isn’t another paeds case for you.’

  It wasn’t. It was an eighty-seven-year-old woman called Agnes who’d had ‘a bit of a turn’ but had no intention of being taken to hospital.

  ‘Your blood pressure’s a bit low,’ Zoe told her. ‘And your heart rate’s a bit too fast. You really need to get checked properly at the hospital.’

  ‘I stay away from doctors, dear. Don’t like them.’

  ‘She went a horrible colour,’ the neighbour who’d called the ambulance told them. ‘All grey and pasty. I’m sure she would have fainted if I hadn’t made her lie down.’

  ‘I don’t faint,’ Agnes said firmly. ‘Never have.’

  ‘I think you came pretty close,’ Zoe said. She was watching the screen of the life pack. ‘You sure you don’t have any pain anywhere?’

  ‘I’m a bit short of puff, that’s all.’

  Zoe caught Tom’s eye as he handed her the nasal cannulae so they could give Agnes some oxygen. It was probably only a mild heart attack that Agnes was suffering but there was no way they could leave her at home, and it could take some time to persuade her to come with them.

  They were going to be late home tonight.

  It was lucky that the Kangaroo Day Care centre was so accommodating. Zoe gave them a quick call when they were finally transporting Agnes to hospital.

  ‘Emma’s fine,’ someone told her. ‘There’s no rush. We’re open till 8 p.m., remember.’

  Which gave Zoe an opportunity she’d been waiting for all day.

  ‘I just want to pop up to the PICU,’ she told Tom, when they’d handed the care of Agnes to the team in the emergency department. ‘I want to check on what’s happening to that baby we resuscitated this morning.’

  ‘I’d like to know too.’ Tom was more than happy to hang around a bit longer. ‘We’re off shift. I can grab a coffee in the staffroom.’

  ‘Wouldn’t have anything to do with that cute blonde nurse I saw you watching today, would it?’

  Tom grinned. ‘Go away, Zoe.’

  ‘You’d better work fast. I won’t be long.’

  Teo was in the unit.

  Zoe should have been prepared for that. Prepared for that swirl of conflicting emotions that were clearly going to happen every time she saw him. Only…she’d never seen him wearing scrubs before. The pale blue tunic top left most of his arms bare. The tattoo was hidden but Zoe knew it was there and knowing that made it feel oddly intimate. As if she had a small part of him that no one else around here did. The pleasure that came with the notion was another one of those disturbing feelings. Maybe she shouldn’t have come here but it was too late to slip away. Teo had noticed her arrival as he looked away from the conversation he was having with another doctor near the central desk.

  ‘Zoe…good grief, are you still on duty?’

  ‘Just finished. I wanted to find out how our case from this morning is doing.’

  ‘Good timing. We were reviewing him just now. Wendy, this is Zoe Harper. She was in charge of the resus on scene for Matthew.’

  ‘I can’t take the credit,’ Zoe said, avoiding Teo’s gaze. ‘It was lucky Teo was there.’

  Wendy’s gaze travelled swiftly from Zoe to Teo and then back again. She smiled. ‘Good team effort, then,’ she said. ‘He’s doing well. We’ve got him sedated and ventilated to monitor his gas exchange closely overnight but we’re pretty happy, aren’t we, Teo?’

  ‘Yes…I’d like to see a bit more movement on that end tidal CO2, though. Do you think—?’

  Zoe turned away as the doctors began discussing the technicalities of the respiratory support the baby was getting. She could see him, through the clear glass of one of the partitions. A tiny figure, lost on the expanse of crisp, white sheet. Naked, except for a nappy and a spaghetti junction of monitor wires and IV lines.

  His mother was sitting beside the bed, holding one of the baby’s hands. She didn’t see Zoe staring because her gaze was fixed on her child and Zoe could understand why. If that had been Emma lying there, she’d be doing the same thing. Touching her child. Willing her to get through this and survive.

  A sudden tightness in her chest moved up to constrict her throat and, to her horror, Zoe could feel the prickle of tears behind her eyes. She blinked and cleared her throat. That made Teo look at her again.

  ‘Did you want to go and say hello to Matthew’s mother? I’m sure Chloe would love to be able to thank you.’

  Zoe shook her head. ‘Not right now. I have to get going. It’s way past time for me to be collecting Emma from day care. We had a late job.’

  ‘I’ll walk down with you. It’s time I was heading home myself.’

  Zoe found herself feeling more and more tense as they walked in silence to the elevators. She punched the button.

  ‘Thanks for your help today,’ she said, finally breaking what had become an awkward silence, her tone cool.

  She could feel the surprised glance Teo sent in her direction. ‘No worries,’ he murmured. ‘It was a tricky intubation.’

  ‘I could have done it, you know.’ Zoe stared at the light above the elevator, waiting for it to glow. ‘I was about to use a guide wire myself.’

  ‘Would you rather I hadn’t offered to help?’

  The puzzled note in Teo’s voice made her turn her head. Dark, dark brown eyes were watching her. Pulling her in.

  ‘No, of course not.’ Zoe swallowed. ‘You were the most qualified person there. I just…didn’t want you thinking that I was…incapable or something.’

  ‘I would never think that.’ The sincerity was palpable. ‘In fact, I probably think you’re capable of more than you think you’re capable of.’

  She was staring at him as the lift arrived with a ‘ping’ and the doors opened. They stepped in. The doors closed, shutting them into a small space. Alone. Together.

  Zoe sucked in a breath. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘You’re a skilled paramedic,’ Teo said calmly. ‘That’s not what I’m talking about.’

  ‘So what did you mean?’ Zoe knew her tone was sharp. ‘That I’m not a capable mother? Or…t
hat because I’m a mother I’m less capable of doing my job or something? Is that why you took over this morning?’

  Teo’s breath came out in something like a sigh. ‘OK, I did think you might be finding it tough dealing with a baby who was Emma’s age. That it might be a bit close to home.’

  ‘That baby was Kali’s age, too. Did that bother you?’

  ‘I’m used to it.’ There was a curious shuttered appearance to Teo’s face now. A barrier was up. It was an expression Zoe had seen before. On the beach, when he had dealt with the unpleasant task of causing pain to little Sefa by pulling off the damaged toenail.

  And Zoe recognised that barrier. It was the way she felt about Emma. As though she was looking through a clear wall. Dealing with a baby that wasn’t really hers. But she had no choice about that barrier being there. If she knew how to get rid of it, she would. Why would anybody want to keep it up?

  Because that way they could do the kind of job that Teo did. They could have done Zoe’s job this morning without the slightest wobble.

  Was that what Teo meant by saying she was capable of more than she thought? Did he think she could take control of that barrier so that she could put it up at will?

  Zoe wasn’t sure she wanted to. That flash of feeling an empathy with both the baby and his mother had been…real. One of those pinpricks of light coming into the dark place. She couldn’t pick and choose, could she? If she wanted to get mentally healthy and back to being who she wanted to be, she couldn’t just choose to feel the good stuff. Like physical desire. Or baby laughter.

  Dammit. It had been a long day and Teo was making her feel more confused than ever. Zoe didn’t like it.

  ‘You’ve got something against working mothers, haven’t you?’

  Teo shrugged. ‘Doesn’t seem ideal but maybe that’s just because of the way I was brought up.’

  ‘Emma loves day care.’

  ‘And you’re happy leaving her there?’