No Strings

by J. C. Hayden

  Gabe grabbed my hand and looked like he was going to say something and thought better of it. When he reached for me, the sleeve of his shirt rode up and I saw the same tattoo I’d seen on Brody’s arm so many times. I yanked his arm and shoved his sleeve up the rest of the way.

  Drink up.

  “Brody has this tattoo,” I said, eyes wide. “What does it mean?”

  Gabe smiled sadly.

  “It’s stupid,” he said. But when he saw the look in my eyes, he sighed. I wanted to know. I needed to know. Needed to have this one last connection with the man I’d fallen so crazily for.

  “Remember when Brody came to our school in third grade?” he asked. I nodded and he continued. “The first day we actually met we were both at the drinking fountain. I wanted to mess with him because I knew he was the new kid so I stayed there pretending to drink for a really long time until he finally stomped his foot and said, ‘you gonna drink all the water in the whole school, or what?’ I snorted water through my nose, but then I turned to him like everything was casual and said, ‘drink up.’” He shook his head at the memory, and my heart clenched painfully in the confines of my aching chest. “After he got his drink, he ran after me, and we’ve been best friends ever since.”

  “Gabe,” I said with a watery smile. “That’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard. You guys have best friend tattoos. Like a permanent friendship bracelet.” I ruffled his hair because I knew he hated it. “You are so sappy.”

  “It was Brody’s idea,” he said, almost petulantly

  My heart cracked open even more. That was the person I had fallen in love with. A person who was sentimental and kind and sweet even if he didn’t always know how to show it. He loved his best friend so much he was willing to show the whole world with a silly tattoo that would be there forever. He loved fiercely. That much I knew. And it broke my heart that he didn’t have enough space in his heart to let me in and love me like I knew he was capable of.

  We’d been doomed from the start, Brody and I. But I knew I would always carry a piece of him with me, the same way he and Gabe had pieces of each other. Because that was what Brody Galen did. He blazed into your life like a wildfire that was imprinted on you for life. My ‘drink up’ would be the scars he left on my heart.

  “I think…” Gabe started and then shook his head as if he thought better of what he’d been planning to say.

  “What?” I asked, desperate for just a little more of Brody, for those last pieces.

  “Look, I’m going to say a few things,” Gabe said, meeting my eyes. “You can take them however you want. You can forget them, you can act on them, you can tuck them away. But I think I need to say them.”

  I swallowed hard and nodded.

  “I think…” he took a deep breath. “I think Brody has had feelings for you for a long time.”

  My stomach rolled at Gabe’s words and I felt light-headed. This wasn’t what I needed to hear, wasn’t what would make me move on. But I couldn’t bring myself to make my cousin stop.

  “Sometimes he would make comments here and there,” Gabe said, his hands still holding onto mine tightly as I leaned forward in my chair, hanging onto his every word. “When you would date guys, he would say things that basically meant they weren’t good enough for you. He would ask me about you like he was being subtle, but it almost never was. That night of truth or dare, I should’ve known things changed then. When you left…”

  “What?” I asked breathlessly.

  “I’d never seen him like that,” Gabe said. “He was furious with Holly, furious with everyone, furious at himself. Brody—he’s a protector. He wanted to protect you, and he couldn’t. His parents… what do you know about Brody’s family?”

  I shook my head. “Not much,” I said, voice trembling. “He never really talked about them.”

  “Well, it really isn’t my place to go into detail, but his dad can be… Cat, his dad is abusive. And Brody has always been his mom’s protector. It’s in his nature.” Gabe looked at me sadly. “I know this doesn’t excuse his behavior in any way, but he’s always said he would never get married, never have a serious relationship because he sees what it’s done to his parents, to his mom in particular.”

  “But Brody isn’t his father.” My head was spinning. My heart was racing. Brody had never told me any of this, never let me know that he’d been holding all of this inside. I wanted to find him, squeeze him, hold him, let him know how much he was loved. To let him know that he could play the protector for everyone else, but I would be his.

  “I know that, Cat,” Gabe said. “But I think he’s so terrified of hurting anyone that he’s trying so desperately to spare them—to not let them too close so there isn’t the possibility for pain.” Gabe paused and offered me a sad smile. “I think he just wasn’t planning on you.”

  After a moment, I took a heavy breath, trying to process everything Gabe had told me. I was overwhelmed and confused and scared. I wanted to find Brody and tell him that I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me, not like his father was capable of hurting. I wanted to tell him that if he was scared, I would wait, we could go slow, we could get to know each other better and figure out this thing between us. But, Jesus, I had already put my heart on the line for him. I didn’t know if it would survive again.

  I heard Gabe say my name, jolting me, and finally, I told Gabe what had been making me so anxious the past few hours.

  “I wanted him to be here,” I whispered, staring down at my hands. It seemed so stupid now, after what Gabe had told me, but I needed to say it out loud, needed it to be out in the air rather than locked up inside me. “We talked so much about this, and he was so happy for me, and he knew how hard I worked, and…” I looked up at Gabe, feeling the broken pieces of me falling away and ripping me to shreds as I spoke. “I know it sounds stupid, but I just wanted him to be here.”

  “It’s not stupid,” he said. “I’m sorry, Cat.” Because what else could he say.

  I could hear the overture beginning on stage, and I knew that I would have to take my place soon. I couldn’t wallow in my pain anymore. It was time for me to move on. It was time that I let Brody go and move on with my life. I didn’t know if he would be able to reconcile his pain over his parents’ relationship any time soon. I didn’t know if he wanted to. I didn’t know if I was the person he was ready to do that for. I wanted Brody to be happy. I wanted him to find peace. And for the first time in weeks, I realized that he would have to figure everything out without me. And when he was ready, I didn’t know if I’d be waiting. Didn’t know if I could. Didn’t know if I should.

  “You should go find your seat,” I told Gabe. His green eyes were wide with concern, but all he did was nod and give me one last firm hug before leaving me with my thoughts.

  I did want Brody there, despite everything. Despite the gaping hole of wretched pain inside me, I wanted him there. I hadn’t realized that had been weighing on me until I was able to get the truth about our relationship out to Gabe. I knew that he and Talia and Callum and Carver and the rest of my family were so proud of me and my performances, but I also knew that the one person I wanted there—the one person I wanted to be prouder of me than anyone—wouldn’t see the most important performance of my school career. I wanted him with me. I wanted him to be there for me because he loved me. And the fact that he wasn’t was just further proof that he didn’t. That he couldn’t.

  So, I needed to move on from him. I needed to let him figure some things out on his own, and I couldn’t wait for him. Not if it meant that it would cause this kind of pain. I was waiting for something that wasn’t there to begin with. That probably never would be. I couldn’t wait the rest of my life.

  And I was Carmen, dammit. Sexy, illustrious, invincible Carmen. And I could be all of that without Brody. I didn’t have a choice but to.

  When I went on stage for my first number, I let everything out. I poured every ounce of emotion I had into the piece. I could tell by the mesmerized
looks on the audience’s faces that it was the best of my three performances. And when Act I ended and I went off stage and several members of the cast came up to me with awe in their voices, I knew I had done it. I knew I had delivered the performance of my life.

  In the final act when it came time to act out the death of Carmen, I could feel the hush in the room. When I sang my final words, I reached out my arm toward the audience and when I sang “Kill me or let me go” in French, I felt the chill that swept over my body.

  Let me go. It echoed in my head. Let me go. It was my own voice, but somehow it felt like Brody was saying the words to me. Kill me or let me go.

  But that was when I saw him. I threw down the ring that my former lover had given me in the opera, and when he took his revenge and I collapsed onto the stage, I saw him there. I saw Brody. He was in the back corner of the theater, and I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. But I knew that hair anywhere, that face anywhere, that body, that silhouette, that presence. God, I wanted to run off the stage. I wanted to run into his arms because he was here! He came to see my final performance. He was here.

  When the show was over I was swarmed with people offering me congratulations. I tried to thank everyone sincerely—friends and strangers alike—but my eyes continued to scan the crowd from Brody. When I finally realized he must have gone as soon as the final curtain was drawn, my own words once again rang in my head.

  Let me go.

  Chapter SEVENTEEN

  So—what—you guys are, like, dating now?”

  “Talia…”

  “Catrina!” Talia snapped.

  The two of us were setting up for the end of year choir concert. Talia was currently on a ladder, hanging gold, swirling, sparkling streamers from the ceiling, floating and shimmering, almost making the room feel like it was moving. She would hang up several, angrily move her ladder, and then start all over. I was trying to order sheet music at the podium in front of the risers after Talia had thrown them angrily and they’d all gotten out of place.

  “I don’t get why you’re so bent out of shape over this.”

  “So you are dating him?”

  “No. No, I didn’t say that, I just—if I were—”

  “Because you went on a date with him and he held your hand when he walked you home, so I would say that’s pretty fucking close to dating.” Each word Talia uttered got tighter and tighter until she was just practically growling through clenched teeth. I should’ve been grateful because she’d let me off the hook for the week that I’d been preparing for and performing Carmen. She’d eased up on grilling me about Callum because she knew I was stressed about the opera.

  But the opera was over, and Talia was back to her normal self in full force.

  “I honestly don’t have any idea what to say—”

  “What’s going on with you?”

  Talia hopped down from the ladder and whipped around, planting her hands on her hips as she glared at me. I froze behind the podium, still glancing down at the music.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You practically, like, disappear for weeks—and don’t tell me you were at the library or whatever because you weren’t—and you’re slithering in in the morning like no one’s gonna notice that you’re all flushed and smiley, and then all of the sudden you reappear again and you’re, like, all depressed and stuff, and three weeks later you’re holding Callum’s hand and kissing him OUTSIDE OUR FUCKING APARTMENT.”

  “Talia—”

  Talia’s hands flew wildly, and she looked so angry when I looked up that I was almost taken aback.

  “If what you’re going to say right now is another lie or excuse, then don’t even bother.”

  Talia stared at me for several long moments until all I could do was look back down at the sheets and sheets of jumbled music in front of me.

  “Unbelievable,” I heard Talia mutter.

  My hands shook slightly and I took a deep breath. It was time.

  “I slept with Brody Galen.”

  I glanced up and saw Talia go completely still, her back to me now. I thought I saw her black hair quiver slightly. Slowly, Talia turned back toward me, her face slack with shock.

  “You…” Talia shook her head slightly. “Wait, what?”

  “More than once,” I said. “Way more, actually.”

  “I’m confused.”

  “That’s where I was when I disappeared,” I said evenly, trying not to let my nerves show when I spoke. “We were… having sex at his apartment.” I paused. “And then we weren’t, and that’s why I was really sad.” Tears burned the backs of my eyes and throat when I said my next words. “Because I fell in love with him and he didn’t want to be anything more than sex.” I shook my head and looked back down, ignoring the frisson of bashfulness that the words caused. “And I don’t know what’s going on with Callum and me, I really don’t. I’m just trying to get through the rest of this semester without losing my mind.”

  In the week since my final Carmen performance where I’d seen Brody in the audience and hadn’t heard from or seen him since, I had come to terms with the end of my relationship with Brody. For the most part. I was still aching—I still woke up missing the feeling of his arms around me. I still wished there was more for us, more for him than the pain over his parents. But I knew somehow that there wasn’t. Not now. And maybe not ever.

  After a long pause, I heard Talia say, “You’re serious?”

  I looked up, smiling at the totally shocked look on Talia’s face, and nodded.

  “You’re not fucking with me?”

  I moved my hand up to trace an invisible X over my chest. “Swear.”

  Talia sat down hard on the bottommost riser and looked up at me. “About freaking time,” she said.

  I gave Talia a quizzical look. “What does that mean?”

  Talia rolled her eyes. “You’ve only been in love with Brody for basically a decade. I was starting to think you’d never get the guts to go for it.”

  I gaped.

  “Talia, what on earth are you talking about?”

  Again, Talia rolled her eyes, and she patted the space next to her. “Sit.”

  When I was sitting next to Talia, my friend turned her head and gave me a look that was almost sad.

  “I know you didn’t realize it, even though I don’t know how,” Talia said with yet another eye roll, “But you’ve had a thing for Brody for years.”

  “No I—”

  “What’s his favorite book?”

  “Cloud Atlas,” I answered automatically.

  “Mhm,” Talia nodded. “What’s his middle name?”

  “Marshall, but—”

  “What’s he want to do when he leaves school?”

  A writer, I said in my head but clenched my jaw. I didn’t answer. Not because I didn’t know, but because that was something sacred, something only a few people knew, something I wanted to keep.

  “I see what you’re getting at, but that’s ridiculous,” I scoffed. “First of all, Brody is best friends with my cousin—”

  “Who’s Roxanne’s best friend?”

  I faltered. “Well, that’s—”

  “And what’s her favorite book?”

  “Talia—”

  “And what does she do for a living?”

  “Okay!” I snapped. My head was spinning, my mind was reeling, my heart was pounding, and I was so confused, but also… hearing my friend say it…

  It… sort of… made sense.

  I’d never thought I’d had a thing for Brody, but then I did know a lot about him despite constantly trying to convince myself that I didn’t, and, sure, I’d sort of watched him over the years, but that’s because he was best friends with Gabe, and—

  What does that have to do with it?

  Talia was right. I was pretty much as close to Roxanne as I was to Gabe, and I didn’t know a thing about Roxanne’s best friend—Millie, I want to say her name is?—I was also close with Gabe’s little sister Annie ,
and I couldn’t name even one of Annie’s friends if I tried. And it wasn’t that I’d learned it over the weeks I’d been with Brody, because all of the questions Talia had just asked, I had known the answers for years.

  “I—”

  “Seriously, Kitty Cat?” Talia nearly shrieked, throwing up her hands. “You’re really smart, but, God, are you dumb.”

  “But this is crazy—”

  “Crazier than you fucking Brody for months when you two have barely had a conversation before?”

  My mouth snapped shut, and after a pause I looked at Talia, who was just looking at me from where I was seated next to her.

  “I don’t know why you look so petrified,” Talia said with a scoff. “You just got done telling me that you fell in love with Brody Galen, but now you’re freaking out because you’re realizing you’ve loved him forever?” Talia shook her head. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

  “I just…” I frowned. “I just don’t see how I didn’t realize it before.”

  “Erm, because denial ain’t just a river in Egypt?”

  I let out a surprised laugh. “But how can I be in denial about something I don’t even know about!”

  Talia rolled her eyes. “Oh, my God, Cat—”

  “Okay, okay,” I said, holding up a hand.

  “If it makes you feel any better, I think I was in denial, too,” Talia said with a shrug. “I knew something was up, and I definitely should’ve realized it after he went off on Holly last month.”

  “So hot,” I murmured to myself.

  “Scorching,” Talia agreed.

  “Well, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t want what I want,” I said, staring at the floor between my legs.

  Talia turned and lifted one knee up on the risers so she could face me. “And how can you be so sure?”

  “Well, Talia,” I said wryly. “I told him I was in love with him and all he could say was that he didn’t like seeing me with Callum.”

  “Before or after the hand-holding?”

  “After.”

  “Okay, good, so you didn’t do it just to get back at him for not saying he loved you back,” Talia said, nodding. “How did that conversation go down?”