* * *
Garrett’s nerves felt as if they’d been rubbed raw. Every noise, every creak of the house, every roar of the wind made her sit up and stare around the room, looking for who knew what.
Hoping for Joshua.
Finally, after a restless, impossible hour, she gave up. She dressed, went to the barn and saddled Bright Lightning. The horse was as eager as she to race the howling wind. It had been a long time since she’d ridden, a long time since her thoughts had been uncomplicated and her heart still her own. She would reclaim herself with this night ride, free herself from the memory of Joshua. She had no idea where she was going. She only knew she didn’t want to be here in the morning when Joshua packed up his things and left. One goodbye was all she could take.
The full moon spilled a silver path before her. As if lured by the promise at the end, she gave Bright Lightning her head. The filly galloped at a fierce pace, flying across the land until both horse and rider were breathless. The hard ride should have exhausted Garrett, but she felt exhilarated. Her blood pounded. Her cheeks were stinging, her muscles aching. She felt totally alive. The last time she had felt quite this way had been in Joshua’s arms, astride his supple body.
With a sigh she leaned forward in the saddle and rested her head against Bright Lightning’s neck. “Damn,” she murmured. She had chased away the blues but not the memories. If anything, with her heart thudding and the horse beneath her, thoughts of Joshua burned hotter than ever.
With a light touch of the reins, she found herself turning toward the Rutgers’s line shack. Maybe if she confronted the past weeks head-on, she could put this mistaken interlude in her life to rest.
She approached the cabin from the east. Tethering Bright Lightning outside, she was almost to the door when she noticed that the snow around the front door had been trampled. A trail of footprints led back toward the highway. She followed them for a bit, until she caught a glimpse of that silly, impractical convertible of Joshua’s. Her heart seemed to still.
“Why can’t I get away from him?” she murmured to no one in particular. She started to go. She actually walked half a dozen paces toward her horse, giving the cabin a wide berth before being drawn back. She needed to know why he was here, why he’d sought refuge in this place. Was it for the same reason she had? Had he been seeking to banish memories once and for all? Or had he wanted to recapture them?
She found him asleep on the sofa, his head thrown back in a way that was bound to leave him with a stiff neck. His blond hair was mussed, his jaw shadowed with stubble. After only the faintest hesitation, she took off her jacket and sat beside him. It was only through sheer willpower that she confined herself to looking at him. She wanted desperately to touch, to soothe away the worried lines that creased his brow even in sleep. She wanted to know again the feel of his lips on hers. She wanted one last time to experience the wild joy of his caresses.
She denied herself all of that, telling herself it was wise, reminding herself that once imagined danger was now a painful reality. She curled her feet under her and watched the rise and fall of his chest. When she could finally bear it no longer, she dropped a light farewell kiss on that faintly crooked nose that reminded her of all the contradictions in his personality. She stood up and reached for her jacket again when his eyes blinked open.
“Garrett,” he said, his voice husky with sleep. “I was just dreaming about you. I dreamed you kissed me.”
Her lips curved just a bit. “I did. Just a peck, mind you.”
He reached out a hand. “Would you kiss me again? I’d like to remember it while I’m gone.”
She shook her head, heart hammering. “I don’t dare.”
“Why?”
“It would hurt too much. I ache inside, Joshua. I ache for what we’re losing.”
“Then hold onto it. Come with me in the morning. See how I live.”
“You know I can’t do that. I have responsibilities here.”
A light seemed to go out in his eyes. He stood up and went to the fireplace, knelt down and stirred the embers until the dying sparks re-ignited. The action seemed fraught with symbolism. It made the ache even more painful to bear. Her nerves felt more raw now than when she’d lain alone in her bed only dreaming of Joshua.
“Maybe I should go,” she said.
“No. Stay with me, please. Let’s talk this out.”
She shook her head. “If I stay, we won’t talk.”
Understanding flared in the depths of his eyes. He came back and sat beside her on the bed. “Maybe that’s even better. Maybe that’s the way we communicate best about what is really in our hearts.”
“Making love is not an answer.”
“Are you so sure of that?” he asked, his hand against her cheek. “Are you?” The back of his fingers rubbed against the hollow of her neck, then trailed lower until his hand stroked over her breast. The nipple tightened into a hard, sensitive bud. The shock seemed to cut all the way through her. He took her hand and pressed it to his lips. “Why did you come here tonight?”
“I can’t explain it. Something drew me here.”
“As it did me. Doesn’t that tell you something, sweetheart?”
She stared at him helplessly. “I don’t know. Maybe. Joshua, I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”
“And I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Their gazes caught and held. An eternity slid by…or maybe it was no more than a heartbeat.
“Just hold me,” Garrett begged at last, not strong enough to deny herself this one simple pleasure. “Would you mind doing that? Suddenly I’m feeling very much alone and you haven’t even left yet.”
With a sigh, he drew her into his arms. With the fire crackling in the fireplace and his arms tight around her, Garrett felt safe and secure. If only the feeling would last, if only she could count on it being this way tomorrow and the next day and the next…
She stared up into eyes that had suddenly gone smoky with desire. His gaze lingered on her lips, then slowly he lowered his mouth to hers in a sweetly tender kiss. Hunger exploded inside her like a flower bursting into full bloom. She was the one who deepened the kiss, who turned it from a gentle caress into an urgent claiming. All of the longing she had kept at bay over the last days went into that one lingering kiss. Fire leapt in her veins. Her pulse hammered. Somewhere deep inside, doubts fled, if only for this moment, this one last time.
Joshua’s hands were gentle, too gentle. She wanted him to rush, to send her flying with all the brightness of fireworks in the night sky. He insisted on savoring, on lingering over each kiss, exploring with exquisite care. Her skin warmed under his touch, her blood pulsed to an excited rhythm. Each caress was a bittersweet reminder that it was the last time she would know this joy, the last time she would know the aching, deep-down pleasure of a kiss, the heart-stopping thrill of his heat deep inside her.
Ironically, when time speeded up, when each thrust of his body lifted them higher and higher toward a shattering climax, Garrett wanted him to wait, wanted this sweet joining to go on forever. Her body, slick with perspiration and desperate with need, betrayed her, arching into his, catapulting her over the edge, drawing him with her.
Joshua’s hands cupped her face and he stared deep into her eyes. “I love you.” Each word was spoken emphatically, convincingly.
“I know,” she whispered. “I know.”
He sighed and rolled away. “But it’s not enough, is it?”
Suddenly chilled by his anger, she trembled. “I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.”
“Garrett, I don’t know what else to say, what else to do.”
“You sound as if you’re blaming me, as if I’m the one at fault because I can’t give up everything to do this your way. That’s not fair,” she said.
“Not a damn thing about this is fair. And, yes, I’d like to know whose fault it is, if not yours. I’ve done everything I could think of to prove myself to you, to offer you a life that most
women would envy.”
The accusatory tone was still there and it filled Garrett with guilt. Uncomfortable with the emotion, she lashed back. “Maybe the bottom line is that you don’t love me enough, either,” she accused. “You’re still trying to buy me.”
“How can you say that? I’ve asked you to marry me. Isn’t that proof enough?”
“No,” she said. “No.”
She climbed out of bed, away from the temptation of his body, away from the danger of her own responses. Grabbing her clothes, she jerked them on haphazardly. Unable to meet his condemning gaze, she stood in the doorway and whispered goodbye. Then, when it seemed certain he wouldn’t respond, she closed it.
Only when she was safely on the other side, tears streaming down her face, did she dare to murmur, “I love you, Joshua. I really love you.”
And then she ran.
Chapter Fifteen
Garrett raced from the cabin in a near panic. Suddenly she desperately needed the solace of home. She needed to remember what she was trying to protect, all that was important in her life. Riding back toward the ranch at a breakneck pace, she tried futilely to flee the power of the last stolen hour in Joshua’s arms. Shaking and breathless when she arrived, she finally calmed as she curried Bright Lightning. Over and over she reassured herself that what had just happened didn’t really matter, that she would survive Joshua’s leaving in the morning and go on as before.
When the filly was bedded down in her stall, Garrett went outside. She leaned against the corral fence and stared at the night sky. The Big Dipper tilted clearly toward the North Star. Enthralled as always by the thick sprinkling of stars across the black-velvet backdrop, she barely heard the whisper of sound behind her, the faint crunch of ice-topped snow, yet she felt Joshua’s presence. She supposed that in her heart she had known he would come after her, that he would never leave well enough alone. Tension crept through her as she waited, listening to his approaching footsteps, dreading another confrontation, another goodbye.
Then he was beside her, silent and still in a way that might have been comforting if his mere presence didn’t so often set off such conflicting emotions. Irritation easily slipped into blazing anger. Fury too often slid into fascination and a pull so strong she was shaken by the implications. It had happened again tonight, even though he’d told her he was leaving, even though she knew it was over between them. Not since the night Casey had been conceived had she been so tempted to lose herself in the fool’s-gold promise of a man’s love. That had been a girl’s misguided infatuation, though, while what she felt now was a woman’s longing. The difference and her unwilling acknowledgment of it scared her to death.
Joshua was losing patience, losing the will to fight for her. She had heard the defeat in his voice. For weeks he had been content to let the heat build again, waiting until she shattered like a ceramic figure that had been fired too hot. Her resolve was close to shattering now and she hoped to God he didn’t know it. She wasn’t sure she could withstand the pressure he was likely to put on her.
“Have you ever had a dream?” she asked, breaking the silence.
“All the time.”
The quick, easy response told her he didn’t understand. “No, I mean a dream that consumes you, that determines who you are and what you’ll become.”
She caught the faint shake of his head and sighed. “Then I’m not sure you could ever understand.”
“Make me understand. You said earlier that you ache. So do I. I see how much we have and I see it slipping away. Tell me about your dream.”
“From the time I was a little girl I dreamed of nights like this. I read Little House on the Prairie and longed to live like that, on the edge of a frontier, in a land with clean air and vivid blue skies and endless horizons, a place of limitless possibilities.”
“What about the hardships?”
“They seemed like nothing compared to the hell I was living in,” she said simply.
“What hell?” he asked. “Can’t you please tell me now? Can’t you trust me to understand? If I have to give you up, at least I need to understand why.”
Garrett wanted to do as he asked, but she was afraid it would be like unleashing a tidal wave, that once started, the hurt and anger would never cease pouring out of her. She lifted her gaze to meet his and saw the kindness that underscored everything Joshua did. More than that, she saw the love. Taking a deep breath, she began, drawing strength from the fingers that laced with hers.
“By the time I was five we were crammed into a one-bedroom apartment on Chicago’s south side. Our view was an alley. I slept on a sofa in the living room, along with my sister. My brother slept on the floor. He would wake up screaming, terrified that the cockroaches were crawling over him.”
A shudder ran through her. “God, it was awful.”
“Surely there was someplace else…”
“Yes,” she confirmed flatly. “There was someplace else, but it made that apartment seem like heaven. It was a room down the hall from a crack dealer. All of us in that one dreary room.”
“Oh, baby,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “Your parents, didn’t they…how could they…”
She recognized his struggle to grasp reasons that after all these years Garrett herself didn’t understand. Parents were supposed to love. They were supposed to protect. Hers hadn’t. In a way they’d still been emotional children themselves, angry at life and totally self-indulgent.
Even though she had no valid explanation for the inexplicable, Garrett kept going, the words pouring out now. “After my father lost his job, he didn’t give a damn about much of anything. My mother only cared about where her next bottle of booze was coming from. When I was eight, I was scavenging for food to keep my sister and brother alive. Every Christmas we’d get new clothes, castoffs really, from the church down the street. I hated those clothes. I hated knowing that even the fanciest dress with the prettiest lace and ribbons could make me a laughingstock because everyone would know that someone else wore it first. I wanted something new so badly it hurt. I did odd jobs, putting every extra penny I could get into a piggy bank, trying to save enough for a new pair of jeans. That’s all I wanted, one damned pair of jeans.” A bitter tear trickled down her cheek.
“Did you get them?”
“No. I came home from school one day and found my piggy bank shattered. My father tried to tell me we’d been robbed, but I knew better. Not even the most doped-up crack addict would bother robbing a dump like ours. Besides, there was a new bottle of liquor sitting on the table in front of my mother.” She took a deep breath, then told him, “That was the day I vowed to get out. I stayed in school because it was the one place I could go and read. Books were my escape. The ones about the West were the best. The pioneers had such spirit, such determination. It seemed they could overcome anything. I wanted to be like that. I wanted to be strong.”
Her voice dropped to a near whisper. “Then came Nicky.”
“Casey’s father?”
She nodded. “God, he was handsome. Thick dark hair. Midnight eyes. Strong features. He was gorgeous. And smart. And charming. He was twenty-two. I had just turned seventeen. We met in a restaurant, where I’d gotten a job as a waitress by lying about my age. He told me how beautiful I was. He bought me presents. He took me places I’d never been before, showed me a way of life I’d only imagined. I’d never felt so incredibly special in my entire life. It was just exactly like I’d read about in all the books. He was a real man, not like my father. Nicky was my knight in shining armor and I was being rescued. God, what a fool I was.”
“You were seventeen years old, damn it.”
“I should have known better, though. Men like that don’t marry girls from the wrong side of the tracks.”
“Men like me, you mean,” Joshua said, his expression anguished.
She nodded. “Men like you,” she agreed.
He winced at the accusation. She watched as he struggled for control. When he fi
nally spoke, his voice was utterly calm. “What happened then?”
“I’m sure you can guess the rest.”
“Tell me. I want to hear you say it.”
It took every last bit of her bravery to admit, “Six months later I was pregnant and Nicky’s parents were offering to buy me off.”
She felt Joshua tense beside her, though his grip on her hand never wavered. His strength flowed into her. “What did he have to say about it?”
“He wouldn’t see me. I was so sure they were keeping him away. God, it makes me sick when I think of the way I threw myself at him, begging him to talk to me, begging him…” Her voice caught on a sob. Drawing in a deep, calming breath, she went on. “When I finally realized that he’d never been in love with me, that I was only humiliating myself, I took their money and moved to Wyoming.”
She lifted her gaze to Joshua’s. “I came here with two things—a thousand dollars and the determination never again to be dependent on anyone. I’ve made a damned good life for Casey and for me.”
“Yes, you have. You turned it around. Instead of letting what happened ruin your life, you made it the start of fulfilling your dream.” He reached over and cupped her chin, turning her to face him. “Do you realize what kind of strength that took?”
She stared back at him unflinchingly and said quietly, “Do you?”
He held her gaze forever, then chuckled softly. “Message received.”
“I hope so, Joshua. I truly hope so. I’ve worked damned hard for what I have. This beautiful place. My wonderful daughter. A rewarding job. I take none of it for granted and I won’t give it up.”
“I’m not asking you to give it up. I’m only asking you to share it.”
“Oh, Joshua. It sounds so simple, but you know it’s not that easy.”
“Isn’t it? Can’t you do that much at least? Can’t you let me become a part of the life you’ve created here? Marry me and let me replace all those painful memories with new ones, happy ones.”
Joshua and the Cowgirl Page 16