Remember The Moon

by Carter, Abigail;

  Maya looked at Liz in surprise. “Marc? I’m going to be with Marc again? That’s ridiculous! He’s an old boyfriend.”

  “He’s more than an old boyfriend. Did you have an affair with this man while you were married to Jay?”

  Maya swallowed. Tears dipped onto her lap. To my shock, she nodded.

  You had an affair with Marcus Pellegrino?

  I’m sorry, Jay.

  Why didn’t you tell me?

  I couldn’t tell you. And you never seemed to notice. You were never around. I was lonely. It was stupid. I’m so sorry, Jay.

  My thoughts were spinning. Was this why Maya was unable to let me go? She held onto me through guilt?

  ***

  I had come in late that night. Maya, still up, sat at the counter wearing her bathrobe, her hair disheveled as she drank a glass of wine. I was exhausted. I poured myself a glass of scotch. Maya said nothing, but watched me as I moved around the kitchen.

  “What?” I said, feeling her eyes on me.

  “Nothing.”

  “You knew I would be late tonight.”

  “Yes. You told me.”

  “Then why are you looking at me so strangely?”

  “I’m not.”

  “You look like a cat who’s just eaten a bird,” I said, pulling a glass from the cupboard. “Did you ding the car or something?”

  “No! That’s ridiculous.”

  I sat down next to her. I smelled something sweet on her.

  “You smell nice,” I said.

  She looked momentarily horrified. “I do?”

  “Yeah, like flowers or something.”

  “Must be my new hand cream,” she said, quickly getting up. “I’m going to bed.” She left her half-full glass of wine on the counter.

  “K. I’ll be up in a minute.”

  Maya went upstairs and I sat in the kitchen finishing my scotch, trying to figure out what had been so strange about the conversation. She seemed different somehow. Defensive. Like she was hiding something. I finished my last gulp and headed to bed, the encounter forgotten.

  Oh my God, Maya! You had sex with Marcus that night? Did you do it in our house?

  “I’m sorry, Jay.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

  How could I not have noticed that my own wife was having an affair?

  “You were busy,” Maya said.

  I was busy! I worked hard for you and Calder!

  “He’s saying he had to make sacrifices,” Liz interjected. “You came home late most nights. I was lonely,” Maya said, sniffing. Liz leaned over and handed her a tissue.

  I guess that’s true. But that’s no excuse for an affair! You broke our vows.

  “I’m getting a lot of sadness and despair from him,” Liz said.

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen. Marcus visited Seattle from Vancouver for a few days on business. We reconnected online and so I agreed to see him one night, have a drink at his hotel. It seemed harmless. But then he told me how much I took his breath away. It had been so long since anyone had told me how beautiful I looked.”

  He had no right!

  “We had a few drinks and then when I put on my coat to leave, he just grabbed my hand and I followed him to his room. I felt so guilty afterwards. I unfriended him on Facebook. I wouldn’t answer his emails.”

  Was that the end of it?

  “I didn’t mean for it to continue. He came to Seattle a few months later and called on our home phone, begging to see me. It was during one of your business trips. To me, he was exciting, Jay. He took me to a nice restaurant, and then to his hotel room. I didn’t know what I was doing. It was like putting on an old shirt, familiar and comfortable. It didn’t seem wrong somehow.”

  Oh Maya.

  “You’ve been holding your guilt about this with you for a long time,” Liz said quietly.

  “Yes.”

  “Your affair must be why I picked up a Mark. Did Jay know about your affair?”

  “I don’t think so, no. I’m so sorry, Jay.”

  Nice way to find out. Thanks, Maya. I never imagined you would cheat on me.

  Tears slid silently down Maya's cheeks.

  “He says you’re going to find new love,” Liz said.

  No, I didn’t! Maya, that’s not what I said. I don’t want you to find new love! I’m angry. I can’t believe you cheated on me and didn’t tell me. And with Marcus Pellegrino of all people!

  “Don’t you want her to find love again, Jay?” Alice’s watery blue eyes seemed to leak empathy, or pity. Either way it annoyed me.

  “No, I don’t. She doesn’t deserve it! She cheated!”

  “Perhaps you didn’t give her much of a choice.”

  “She had a choice not to cheat on her husband.”

  “Just as you had a choice to love her and show her your love.”

  “I did love her! Maybe I wasn’t a perfect husband. Maybe I was distant or distracted. Who knows? But I didn’t deserve to be cheated on.”

  “No you didn’t, Jay. But Maya was lonely. You were preoccupied.”

  “I worked hard for my family. Maybe I could never really love her the way she needed to be loved. Maybe she always loved Marcus.”

  “But she married you, Jay. She loved you,” Alice smiled sweetly at me.

  “Maybe. But I can’t stand the thought of her finding love with Marc. The guy is a sleaze ball. He’ll hurt her all over again.”

  “Is there no possibility that he might love Maya too?”

  “No! And I just realized that if I keep thinking of Marcus, Liz is going to pick that up! I’ve gotta think of someone else.” The first person to pop into my head was Sean Connery as 007.

  “Jay says I’m going to find new love? He’s telling you that? He’s not mad?” Maya asked as she folded her tissue over and over.

  “All I can tell you is that he’s showing me someone tall.

  Maybe a little older. Very handsome. Wearing a suit or maybe a tux. Maybe you meet him at some sort of function. Are you going to an art opening or fundraiser anytime soon?”

  “In a few months I’m having a small showing of some of my paintings in Vancouver.”

  “That must be it then. Be on the lookout for someone tall and handsome. He may have an accent and I think his name sounds like Shawn. Don? John? Something like that.”

  Maya unfolded the tissue and blew her nose into it. “Wow. Now I’m going to be even more nervous at my reception than I would’ve been,” she said. “So, he’s not mad about Marcus?”

  I’m furious.

  “I guess not, if he’s showing me your new love.”

  I’m showing you James Bond.

  “This romance will be ‘heaven sent’!”

  It will most certainly not be heaven sent!

  “Oh god, I’m not sure I’m ready. The reception’s in May. Barely three months after the one year anniversary of Jay’s death.”

  “You’ll be ready. That’s what he’s telling me.”

  No I’m not. And she’s not going to be meeting Sean Connery either. I had to get Sean’s image out of my head. I thought of Calder instead.

  “And he wants you to know he’s proud of the job you’re doing with your son. He knows how difficult it is.”

  “Does he? I can’t imagine how he would’ve coped if it had been me who died that day. I bet he’d be remarried by now.” Maya sounded angry when she said this.

  “I’ve noticed that widowers are often quicker to marry than widows,” Liz said. “But it’s not because they haven’t been in loving marriages. It’s because they grieve differently than women. Men tend to get busy after losing a spouse, where women are less afraid of their emotions and so grieve more outwardly.”

  “I guess that makes sense. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so angry.”

 
“It’s normal.”

  “I think it’s the guilt I feel, knowing I had an affair with Marcus just a few months before Jay died. I feel like it’s holding me back from being able to really grieve properly.”

  “You can’t keep holding onto your guilt, Maya,” Liz said. “You are going to have to find a way to forgive yourself.”

  “I don’t know how I’m going to do that. It was a stupid mistake. I was in love with Marcus a long time ago, before I met Jay.”

  Are you still in love with him?

  “That does make it more complicated,” Liz said. “But I think it’s possible to ask Jay’s forgiveness.”

  How can I forgive that?

  “Jay, this is another moment where you must learn to release your human emotions. Anger, hurt, jealousy – all the emotions you’re feeling – are unnecessary here,” Alice reminded me.

  “But”

  “Just try to let go. You are a spirit now.”

  With her words came an ethereal sound, a musical expression of my emotions – symphony-like sounds that began quietly and built to a crescendo of anger within me, becoming louder and faster before finally crashing like a wave against a rock, leaving me dazed and yet strangely cleansed. Those sounds eventually became hollow, like the notes on a wooden xylophone, before settling into a series of bell tones lulling me into a quieter mood until they just echoed in the silence.

  Does she still love Marc?

  “She might,” Alice said.

  Maya sat quietly wiping tears from her face. She looked up at Liz. “I’m glad you came. This has been incredibly emotional for me, but I feel like a weight has been lifted. I hadn’t been willing to admit my affair to even myself before now. And now I feel like I’ve confessed to Jay. I hope he can forgive me.”

  “I’m sure Jay already does,” Liz said. Maya smiled a wan sort of smile.

  “I don’t know about this psychic stuff, Alice. Liz doesn’t seem to get much right.”

  “I’d say she’s gotten the important things correct. And look at Maya. Do you think it’s helped her?” Maya appeared to be deep in thought, folding and re-folding the now-frayed tissue on her lap. “Do you forgive her?”

  “No.”

  “This has been amazing, Liz. I feel like he’s really been here with us,” Maya said.

  “He is, Maya. And he loves you very much. And misses you.”

  I do miss you, Maya.

  “Me too.”

  “In life, he would never have believed in someone like me...” Liz said.

  You got that right!

  At that moment, Calder burst through the door. He no longer wore the criss-cross shoulder brace, his collar bone having healed quickly.

  “Hi Mama!”

  “Oh my gosh, what time is it?”

  Calder shrugged and stood in the living room looking at Liz. Molly waved from outside, not wanting to interrupt.

  Maya mouthed her thanks through the living room window before turning back to Calder.

  “Calder, this is Liz. She’s here to, uh, well...”

  “You’re here to talk to Daddy, right?” Both Maya and Liz looked startled.

  “How did you know that, Calder?”

  “Daddy told me she would be coming.”

  “He did? You talk to Daddy?”

  “I guess.”

  I wanted to shout out loud. Calder actually remembered our conversations! Liz began to laugh.

  “Quite the little Indigo you have there.” Maya and Calder looked confused.

  “Indigo?” Maya asked.

  “Children who are at the leading edge of humankind’s spiritual evolution. They are often quite psychic.”

  All kids are psychic, Liz. Even I know that.

  “I’m not indigo. What is indigo?”

  “It’s a color, sweetie. Sort of a dark blue.”

  “So, I’m going to turn blue?”

  Maya laughed. “No, no. Nothing like that! Liz is a psychic medium, which means she is able to talk to Daddy.”

  “She can?”

  “Yes. I’ve been telling your mom what he says.”

  “What does he say about me?”

  Tell him how proud I am of him.

  “He says he’s really proud of you. He knows it’s been hard for you.”

  And he needs to listen to his mom. And be careful on his skateboard.

  “And that you need to listen to your mom a little more. Remember she is doing everything alone and that’s pretty hard sometimes. He’s showing me an accident you had?” Maya quickly wiped away a tear.

  “Yeah. I broke my collar bone.”

  “He wants you to be careful.”

  “OK.”

  Tell him I love him. Tell him to trust himself. And to take chances, just not dangerous ones.

  “He says he loves you and misses you. He knows you’re going to be fine. Don’t doubt yourself so much, Calder. Don’t be afraid to take chances, take risks, but still be careful. Don’t do those crazy things that put you in danger. Trust in your gut, as well as your good brains.”

  Calder hung his head and looked at his feet. “Uh, OK.”

  “Did that make sense?”

  Calder nodded his head. “Is Daddy really talking to me?” Well, she made a bunch of that stuff up, but it’s what I wished I’d said.

  “Yes, he is,” Liz answered. “I just talk for him. I barely even know what he said. He just sort of talks through me, if that makes sense. He really loves you and wants you to know that.”

  Calder smiled. I could tell he’d gotten it. Maya smiled now too.

  “He loves you both very much.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  APRIL 10TH, 2007

  Jay,

  Was that you today, your black eyes penetrating my soul?

  I left the gallery to head home and there he was, Mr. Crow sitting on top of my car. Did crows usually sit on top of cars like that? I dug around my purse for my camera and took a picture as the crow sized me up. The camera’s flash did not frighten it. I finally flapped my arms at it, and it stepped back a little, clearly bemused. I flapped again, and it cackled loudly before it got the hint and spread its wings and took a step into the air. It floated up to the roof of the building and remained there. It cawed at me a couple of times before I climbed into my car and drove away.

  I wish I knew, Jay, what you were trying to say to me in the guise of the “beguiling raven” from that Edgar Allen Poe poem. It makes sense in a weird way. Your punishment for my infidelity – an ominous black bird stare-down. You always did have a thing for birds. Remember the year I bought you the binoculars and the bird identification book from the Audobon Society? God, you were so obnoxious that year, pulling the car over to the side of the road so you could traipse into the woods and try and spot a rare “Rusty Blackbird”... Oh! Is that the joke?

  I stopped typing and opened a browser window and Googled “Rusty Blackbird”. It looked like just another crow-like bird to me, though I admired the contrast of its bright yellow eyes against the ebony sheen of its feathers. Crows seemed to have been following me since I met with Liz, but I was probably just being paranoid.

  You must be angry. You deserve to be. Every night I fall asleep feeling as if a gaping crevasse has cleaved my chest in two. I feel hands holding my heart and squeezing, ringing out every last drop of emotion and strength I have left.

  Crows. Counting Crows. Only now did I realize the connection. On the one-year anniversary of Jay’s death, Calder and I sat together at the kitchen table silently eating dinner. I had done everything I could to forget the day, but the phone kept ringing, concerned, hushed voices asking how I was. I had no answers. I grabbed Calder and we hid in the darkness of a movie theatre watching a Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. It was a perfect place to hide, but didn’t last long enough.

  B
ack home, Calder ate chicken strips and broccoli “trees” while I drank a glass of wine, knowing I would eat his leftovers for my own dinner. The CD player beside us on the window sill suddenly turned itself on and started playing a CD that had been there since before Jay died – Counting Crows, one of Jay’s favorites that he played over a period of a few months, ad nauseam. The first words spilled out:

  “Step out the front door like a ghost

  into the fog where no one notices

  the contrast of white on white.

  And in between the moon and you

  the angels get a better view...”

  I turned to stare at the machine, whose yellow “on” light winked at me innocently. I was stunned. It felt like Jay spoke to us through those lyrics, whose meanings I had never noticed or even listened to before. Calder began to sing the chorus.

  “Round here, we always stand up straight. Round here something radiates...”

  Calder looked at me as he sang but didn’t seem surprised. When the song ended, he said, “I think that was Daddy. He put on the CD to make you happy, Mama.”

  Tears burned my eyes. “Yes, I think you might be right, Cald.”

  We let the CD play until the end and memories washed over me – making pancakes as we listened to that CD on a Sunday morning, Calder squealing as his father chased him around the house for a tickle fight, or the sound playing through the window as we sat on the back patio watching Calder play in the treehouse built of old kitchen cabinets that Jay had found at the dump.

  “Happy Anniversary, Jay,” I whispered under my breath when the CD ended. “And thank you.” I smiled when I realized it was probably the only time Jay had actually remembered the correct date of our anniversary without my prompting.

  Crows. Another Google search took me to a website about Native American spirit animals as I search on their symbolism:

  The crow, in Native American heritage, is a spirit animal representing life’s mysteries and magic, a spirit guide who provides insight and supports one’s intentions. The crow is seen as a sign of luck, but is also considered a trickster and can be deceiving in appearances. If the crow has chosen you as your spirit or totem animal, it supports you in developing the power of sight, transformation, and connection with life’s magic.