Never a Bride: A Short Story

by Traci Hall

  Sheena’s jaw tightened and Jared knew he wasn’t winning any points. But he had to continue. At least she was listening.

  “And every time I tried to talk to you about how I was feeling, you got defensive.”

  She dropped her arms to her sides. “You sounded like you wanted out!”

  “I wanted, hell, reassurance that you and I would be different.” Happy. Forever.

  Her chin inched up, eyes narrowed. “When I asked you if you had changed your mind, you told me you loved me more than the moon and stars. I offered you a chance to back out, but you swore to me that you wanted to go through with the ceremony.”

  “What else could I say?” Jared looked at Sheena, who met his gaze without flinching. “I knew how bad you wanted to be married.”

  “I’ll tell you what I wanted so badly.” She hugged her middle, her head tilted to the right. “You. Just you, Jared.”

  His gut coiled. “Then why didn’t you listen when I was telling you I didn’t want a showy wedding with circus clowns and balloon animals? You were turning our vows into a freaking event.”

  “The “freaking event” was a pretty big deal to me. Loving you, starting a life together as a family – you and me – that was a pretty big deal. Without circus clowns, Jared. I was thinking of having a friend do face painting for the little kids, that’s all.”

  “Things just kept getting bigger and bigger.” He shot his arms outward. “Out of control.”

  “I’m sorry you felt that way.” Her lips were a single tight seam in her face, and Jared knew she wasn’t budging on her Never Forgive Jared stance.

  He’d hoped to make her see he wasn’t unredeemable. Instead he was stirring up old hurts. “I love you.” His throat tightened. “I never stopped.”

  “Love like that? I don’t want it, Jared. I think it’s time for you to go.”

  She stayed in her position, leaning against the wall as if she was the sole reason the apartment wasn’t falling down around their heads.

  “I texted you that morning, knowing I couldn’t love you more. Terrified that I’d lost you, somehow. That you were changing. That you didn’t see me.” Jared tapped his chest. “That I’d become part of the marriage machine.”

  “That is ridiculous.” She shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

  “Yes. I know that. But I reacted emotionally, and I reached out for you, wanting you to tell me that it would be okay.” He didn’t let her look away, knowing he only had this one chance to speak his piece.

  “You texted me saying we needed to talk – three hours before guests were arriving to watch us say our vows.”

  Jared closed his eyes, feeling the hot drip of tears escape his lids. “You texted me back. Do you remember that?”

  “It is forever etched on my brain, Jared.” Each syllable was an icicle stab to his pride.

  “I could show up and talk, or kiss your Vera Wang ass.”

  She flinched. “You weren’t the only one strung out on emotion, Jared. For a month you’d been moody. Staying at your apartment instead of coming here.”

  “You’d turned this into a battle station.”

  “I am sorry if planning our wedding, which you refused to take part in, saying you’d just show up – then you didn’t even manage that! Well, I’m sorry if it offended you. Obviously you weren’t ready to be married to me.” Her voice broke.

  “I love you, Sheena.” Jared got to his feet.

  “Stop saying that.” Sheena pushed off from the kitchen wall, heading toward the front door. “We just need to get through Mike and Lisa’s wedding tomorrow. Then I don’t want to talk to you again.”

  “All I’m asking is that you listen.” Jared exhaled, angry now. “That’s all I ever asked, and you couldn’t find the time.”

  “I’m listening! I’ve been listening.” She spread her arms, searching his face.

  “You have your walls up – there was a time when you heard me without barriers.”

  “If I’m guarded, it’s because you hurt me. The worst hurt I’ve ever felt.” Her lower lip trembled and she pinched the bridge of her nose. “I thought I was going to die, it hurt so bad. But I didn’t die, Jared. I crawled my ass out of bed, and returned phone calls. Gifts. I went to work and acted like it wasn’t killing me. You took off without a word to anyone. Your boss told me you’d taken an assignment in Alaska. Should be gone a week. Two at the most. When I didn’t hear from you in all that time, I changed my phone number because I couldn’t stand wondering when you’d call. If ever.”

  Tears streamed down Sheena’s face in horrible anguish, and Jared’s stomach cramped. “I’m sorry, Sheena. I couldn’t come back. I was too ashamed. I waited, wallowed, came up with lame excuses for being an asshole. Hoping that you would call me. At the end of the day, I’d been an asshole. You took me off Facebook, changed your phone number. I spent three months telling myself you weren’t worth it. That I was better off without shackles. That it was better to never have tried than to fail.”

  Sheena wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’d say we were an epic failure. Self-fulfilling prophecy, Jared.”

  “I realized that I was wrong. I wanted you so much I couldn’t stand the idea of being without you. You only cared about the wedding, or so it seemed. That morning, I was going to try and explain all of this, convoluted, sure, and fueled by Jack Daniels, but you, understandably so, didn’t give me a chance.”

  Stiff-necked, Sheena walked to the door, opening it. “I hope you feel better, having explained yourself. I guess you’re right and I’m not a very good listener.”

  “I never said that!”

  “You did.” She jerked her thumb toward the walkway outside of her apartment.

  He took her hand, demanding her full attention. “Did you hear me tell you that I love you?”

  She pulled free, whispering, “Yes.”

  Jared reached out and caught the tear teetering at the corner of her mouth. A jolt traveled through his body at the softness of her lip. He heard her intake of breath, saw the stir of something in her eyes.

  Pushing his luck, Jared brought the tear to his mouth. “And do you love me, at all, Sheena?”

  She closed her eyes, her body trembling as if she’d caught a chill. “I barely survived loving you.”

  Jared caressed her cheek, her shoulder. Her eyes opened, stormy blue. Daring, challenging. He kissed her, pressing his lips to hers. Ready to back off at the first sign of rejection.

  Instead, she sighed before kissing him in return.

  He shut the door.

  * * *

  Sheena’s traitorous body molded itself to Jared. She heard him shut the door, then slide the chain lock. He’d always been more concerned about that stuff than she. He used to be her champion, her guardian. When had he developed feet of clay? Why had she set him on a pedestal?

  His mouth pressed against hers, inciting passion with a flick of his tongue between her lips. Her skin felt alive for the first time in months and her heart hammered in remembrance of Jared’s love.

  She felt it wash over her, warm, sensual, his hands following the emotional caresses. He walked her backward to the couch, his hands on her hips, thigh to thigh. His fingers touched the bare skin above the waistband of her jeans. Rough against smooth, the touch electric. They’d been great together, their deep emotional connection creating a physical bond that was explosive and lovely at the same time.

  Jared’s sincerity worked its way past her defensives, conquering her guarded walls. She’d missed him so much, never having a chance to tell him good bye. His apology soothed her wounded pride. His hands and mouth boosted her confidence.

  Just this once more, she told herself. To say good-bye.

  He moved her shirt up and over her head. She unbuttoned his dress shirt, naked from the waist up, knowing his eyes were on her. Taking her time, breathing him in, the smell of his shampoo, his aftershave.

  He cau
ght her to him, chest to chest. Her breasts tightened in anticipation as he bent his head to her nape, his hands everywhere. Pleasure spiraled through her body, even as her heart pounded a warning. Bad idea.

  She didn’t listen, bound by the sensual onslaught of love denied for too long. The bittersweet taste of passion and regret, desire and betrayal. Pleasure with a dark streak of pain. Jared.

  “I’m sorry if I didn’t listen closely enough.” She nuzzled her face in the indent between his shoulder and neck. “I suppose I got carried away. Wanting the best to last a lifetime. Creating memories.”

  “I liked our early morning rides through the trails. You and me. Those memories kept me up at night, thinking I might never hold you again.” Both naked now, he traced her ribs. “I need to feed you pancakes.”

  “And fatten me up? You don’t like chubby girls. You said so.”

  “I was an idiot. I love you, no matter what you look like. No matter how many cupcakes you want me to taste. Or shows about wedding dresses you want me to watch. I wasn’t as understanding as I should have been.”

  Her heart stretched, aching, wishing she could believe. She didn’t. This passion between them was just that. She’d scratch an itch, and move on with her life. She’d say good-bye on her terms. “I’m sorry I told you to kiss my ass.”

  “I should have done it.” He flipped her over, delivering a loud smooch on each cheek. “I never would’ve left.”

  She squirmed to a sitting position, eye to eye with Jared. She framed his face between her palms. “I’ve missed you.” It was an understatement. He was color to her black and white world, a symphony in silence.

  He kissed her, sweeping away her worries with the brush of his hand over her hip. “I love you.”

  She gritted her teeth, wishing he’d stop saying that, battering at her heart. Kissing his mouth, she stole the words before he could say them again. She rationalized her actions, knowing that come tomorrow she’d have to cauterize the wound all over again.

  “Tonight is for us,” she whispered, forehead to forehead.

  Their touches had a vulnerable edge. They’d never hurt each other before. Sheena questioned her motives, wondering if she’d been wrong. He should have talked to her. Shouldn’t have left her alone. Had she made him an object? In her mind, the wedding was all about celebrating their love.

  “Forgive me?”

  Because she couldn’t, she chose not to answer, absorbing his love as if she were a dehydrated sponge.

  “It’s not that simple, Jared.”

  “You’re still letting the wedding come between us. What will it take for you to understand?”

  A bell sounded in the far off corner of her mind but she kissed Jared instead of paying attention. “I don’t want to talk about our failed wedding. I don’t want to talk about love or forgiveness. I just want to feel you, Jared.” She brought her hand to his warm chest, tracing the vein pulsing at his throat.

  “You don’t want to admit you love me.” He nuzzled her neck. “I won’t hurt you again, Sheena. I promise.”

  She arched, offering her body while protecting her heart. “I don’t want your promises. Not anymore.”

  Jared’s eyes darkened as he lowered his mouth to hers. “Trust me, Sheena. Let me prove my love for you.” He spent the next few hours leaving her speechless.

  When she woke on the couch long after midnight, Jared was gone. No note, though the afghan was pulled to her chin, covering her from head to toe.

  The door was locked, all of the lights off except the one in the hallway – it looked like he’d never been there. The soreness between her legs let her know he hadn’t been a dream. A fantasy created by her broken hearted mind. A mistake, yes. But real.

  Damn him. He hadn’t even let her say good-bye. She cried until eight in the morning, then hopped in the shower, determined to be the best maid of honor ever.

  Chapter Four

  She picked Lisa up at nine sharp. The wedding wasn’t until two that afternoon, so they had plenty of time to handle emergencies, if any should come up. Sheena was prepared for the worst.

  “You’ve been crying,” Lisa said, sliding into the passenger seat after stuffing her bags into the surprisingly spacious Kia hybrid trunk.

  “Got shampoo in my eyes. We need to stop at the corner store and pick up some Visine.”

  “I remember when I needed eye drops every weekend,” Lisa said with a bemused sigh. “But I’m pretty sure you aren’t stoned.”

  Sheena burst into surprised laughter. “That would be no.” Pulling into traffic, she shrugged. “Maybe not a bad idea. But now that you are enceinte, that puts you out of the running for partying like a rock star. Who am I supposed to get into trouble with?”

  “You didn’t get into trouble, ever,” Lisa grinned. “That was me.”

  “Well, since you are out of commission for a while, maybe I should take up where you left off.”

  “That I’d like to see!” Lisa laughed, then studied Sheena’s face. “You were too crying. Liar. Want to talk about it?”

  “No,” Sheena said, granting Lisa a huge, fake smile. “This is your special day. So, pancakes for breakfast? Anything you want, that I can give, you got.”

  “Well, I was craving peanut butter and banana ice cream.”

  “For breakfast?”

  “It would just make me throw up, anyway, so it’s not a good idea. How about a bagel?”

  “Mm. Onion. Cream cheese and lox?”

  Lisa turned green. “Plain. Toasted.”

  “I think an egg might be good for you, too. Protein.”

  Pressing her knuckles to her mouth, Lisa shook her head. “No. Nope, no egg. Roll down the window, would you? This is like being perpetually hung over.”

  Sheena watched in sympathy as Lisa stuck her head out the window, gulping air as if she were a puppy.

  “What can I do?” Sheena slowed to twenty miles an hour, ignoring the honks behind her.

  “Just drive. Get to the wedding hall. They have the perfect bathroom for puking.”

  “You scout venues for good puking stalls?”

  “Don’t judge me.”

  Sheena sucked in her lower lip to keep from laughing. She’d planned on keeping her Jared mistake to herself, but seeing her best friend in abject misery made her change her mind. Lisa needed something to think about besides throwing up. “I slept with Jared last night.”

  Lisa pulled her head in so fast she bonked her head on the window frame. “Damn it! You did what?” She rubbed the top of her head. “Just what I need. A concussion, to add to the nausea.”

  Sheena’s throat tightened. “Sorry. Are you bleeding?”

  “No. Spill!”

  Clutching the steering wheel, Sheena fought back tears of regret. Of idiocy. Of feeling like the biggest moron of all time. “I was that girl.”

  “That girl?”

  “Yeah,” Sheena confessed in strangled tones. “The one that sleeps with her ex in a desperate attempt to rekindle something lost or broken.”

  “Not too broken. I saw the way you guys looked at each other.”

  “After an amazing night of sex – no, it was making love – we connected on every level, Lis, just like before. Only richer, somehow, for having been tested, oh damn it.” Unwanted tears coursed down her cheeks. How could I have been so stupid?

  “What happened?”

  “When I woke up, he was gone.” Sheena snapped her fingers in disgust. “Poof.”

  Lisa inhaled slowly, then exhaled, her skin less green. “He probably had to go get his clothes and stuff from the hotel, to get ready for the wedding.”

  “You know that’s bullshit.”

  “Yeah. I know.” Lisa studied her manicure as if the answer to Jared’s behavior might be in the peach lacquer’s glossy finish. When she looked up, her eyes were as shiny as her polish. “I’m sorry. But you aren’t stupid, Sheena. Jared was the love of your life and you never go
t to say good-bye. Never had a last kiss, or the chance to hold him close. I don’t blame you one bit for jumping at the opportunity.”

  “I care about him.” Sheena let her tears fall, knowing they served a purpose. “I told myself I didn’t, but I do. I know it’s really over now, though. Maybe I needed to admit my real feelings before I could heal, and stop hiding.”

  “I might have to kill him when I see him.” Lisa’s hand curled into a fist. “To run away again? He doesn’t deserve you, Sheena. Period.”

  “He kept saying I didn’t listen to him. I say, actions speak louder than words. Twice now he’s left me. There is no third time. I’ll be okay.” She pulled into the wedding chapel parking lot, and scrubbed her cheeks dry with the palm of her hand. “I will be okay.”

  “Better than okay.” Lisa leaned across the center console and pulled Sheena into an awkward, much needed, hug. “Don’t hate me. But all of this drama has made me starving. Really, really hungry. We passed a Krispy Kreme.”

  “You want a donut?”

  “Maybe two. The one with the cream in the center? I’ve been dieting forever and if I don’t fit into the dress, it ain’t gonna be because of that.” She patted her non-existent belly.

  Sheena sat back, and turned the ignition. “It’s your special day, Lis. Your wish is my command.”

  By ten, Lisa had gorged on donuts, gotten sick on donuts, then switched to seltzer water and saltines. The hair dresser arrived with an arsenal of hairspray, mousse and pins. Lisa had opted for a simple upsweep, with a crystal barrette instead of a veil. Classic. Sheena’s hair was curled in an over the shoulder pony tail and the woman finished by noon. They’d kept up inane chatter, avoiding the heavy topics of conversation.

  “My make-up girl won’t be here until twelve-thirty.” Lisa paced the small room the wedding chapel set aside for brides. Two comfy chairs, a vanity table, a full-length mirror, an oval table with four chairs but best of all, a private bathroom.

  “You sound stressed,” Sheena said, digging her iPad from her bag. “No stress. Music? You Tube videos?”