by Alexa Davis
***
“Wow, your hair looks lovely!” I cooed as Rae stood up from the hairdresser’s chair. “They did such a good job with you.”
“Can I get my nails done, too, while you and Nancy get a blow dry? Can I? Can I?”
I chuckled and nodded at that, thinking that I had a real girly girl on my hands. When she first started walking, she’d seemed to be a real tomboy, always in the mud, always getting dirty, always playing football, but the older she got, the more into her fashion and beauty she became. I had no idea what she would be like when she was a teenager, and I honestly dreaded it.
While Nancy and I sat in the chairs to get ourselves done up, to give me a much needed confidence boost, she started on the line of questioning that I really wanted to avoid.
“So, have you heard from Mr. Investor yet?”
I did my best not to roll my eyes before nodding and telling her more. “Yeah, actually. He came to the store just before he went back to Portland.” Why did that sentence fill me with such a hollow sense of sadness? I didn’t care if he was gone; that didn’t affect whether or not he would invest in me. That could happen wherever he was based. Of course, very deep down I knew why, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit that to myself just yet. “He came in just for a coffee and a chat…”
“Ooh, I bet he did,” she teased. “Did he invite you anywhere again?”
“No, no, it wasn’t like that,” I insisted, feeling almost disappointed that I didn’t have a crazy story of sexual exploits to tell her. “He just came in for a coffee and to read a book. Actually, he found my book on the shelf.”
“What do you mean, your book?” I noticed her sitting up straighter in her seat, much to the annoyance of the hairdresser who was trying to trim her split ends. “Like, a book you wrote?”
“Yes,” I giggled awkwardly, feeling incredibly embarrassed. “I wrote a book a long time ago, when things were kind of tough, actually. I never did anything with it – I don’t know if I ever fully intended to – but I got a couple of copies printed out just in case. Only, I forgot about it, and he found it in among the other books.”
“Woah, I don’t even know what to say about that. I mean, obviously I need to read it at some point.”
Oh God, another person reading it. I wasn’t sure that I could cope with that. Two people in my life seeing more of me than I was willing to give. But of course I couldn’t turn her down, not after allowing a virtual stranger to read it.
“Sure, soon,” I smiled thinly. “Anyway, why don’t you tell me some more about what’s going on with you? I feel like all we do is talk about me these days.”
“Well,” she suddenly went a little coy, which grabbed my attention. There was definitely something that she needed to tell me, which made me feel bad. Was it my fault that all we did was talk about me? Was I to blame for that one? “Actually, I might have been on a date of my own.”
“Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Only because it’s such early days.” She bit her lip and smiled secretly to herself. “But there’s something different about this guy, I think. I actually might really like him.”
As she described him to me, leaving no detail out, I found myself feeling a little jealous of how easily she found it to express her emotions when it came to romance. She didn’t ever have any reservations about falling for someone; she simply allowed herself to just feel. I wanted to force some of my walls to fall down, I wanted to just open up, I didn’t want to have that fear of being hurt all over again…
“Look at my nails,” Rae yelled happily before I could ask too many questions. “Can we go to that photo booth and get some nice pictures when you’re done? We can do some nice ones, some silly ones, some funny ones, and then I can put them up on my wall…”
“Of course, we can,” I said to her before turning back to Nancy. “She really doesn’t ever stop talking, does she?” We both started laughing at that, but in a loving way, which again made me feel grateful for my friend. She adored Rae just as much as I did, and I knew that she valued her as intensely as me.
I wouldn’t have been able to have the life that I did without having someone who I could trust with my daughter, so that was something I would never take for granted. “Anyway, I’m sure it’ll be fun.”
***
Rae was exhausted by the time I got her home, but over the moon with all her new purchases, her favorite of course being the photographs of all three of us. She’d got a new pair of expensive shoes and three dresses, but all she kept looking at was the pictures. We did follow her plan and do one of us smiling, one of us with our tongues out, and another with funny faces.
“Can I put this up on my wall now?” she asked through the sleepiness. “I want to look at it as I go to sleep.”
“I’ll stick it up now; you get your pajamas on before you fall asleep where you stand.”
As she clambered into bed, barely making it, I stuck the pictures up temporarily with tape, just to get her to sleep, but as I moved nearer to her to kiss her goodnight, I couldn’t help but notice the perplexed look on her face.
“What’s going on, sweetie?” I asked her, rubbing her cheek gently. “Are you okay?”
“Did you manage to find any photographs of my daddy yet? I’d like to put a picture of him on the wall, too.” There it was again, that question way before I was ready for it. How the hell can I tell my sweet, innocent young girl that I wouldn’t be finding any pictures of her dad anytime soon, and that it is with her best interests at heart? “It would be nice to see his picture when I go to sleep. Then I can pretend that isn’t dead anymore.”
“I, erm…I don’t know,” I replied thickly. “I haven’t had a chance to have a look yet, but I will. Maybe up in the attic.” What I really needed was for her to drop it before I felt compelled to confess everything, but I hoped that I could palm her off for just a little while longer.
“Okay, thank you, Mommy,” she accepted my explanation without even arguing for a second, for which I was really grateful.
I kissed and held her close, trying not to let the tears fall all over again, and as I did, I tried to think of anyone else but him. There were many reasons that I didn’t want to think about Rae’s father anymore, and the reason that he wasn’t here anymore was a massive part of that. So instead, I thought about Boffees, I thought about Jan and Tony and their “saved marriage.” I thought about Nancy and her mystery date. But the best distraction of all was Justin.
When I thought about him and the way that he made me feel, I couldn’t think about anything else. He gave me very inappropriate butterflies, and the more I thought about him back in Portland, hours away from here, the more I couldn’t help but wish I’d taken him up on his offer…
Once Rae started snoring, I slid out from underneath her arm and padded back to my own room where I lay in the dark, allowing my imagination to run wild. I thought about things that I would never dare to consider usually. I pictured him taking me back to that hotel room, kissing me, walking me over to the bed, claiming me, taking me, doing the naughty sorts of things to me that I hadn't experienced in years…
Oh God, it was exactly what I should be staying away from, even in my mind, but unfortunately, something had been sparked inside of me, a passion that had laid dormant for a very long time, and I wasn’t sure how I could shut it off again. I hadn't even considered a man for ages, I was always far too busy for that, but now the idea of being with Justin was consuming more of my brain than my business did, which was certainly a first.
I had to stop, I was perfectly aware of that, especially if Justin was going to invest in the business. I needed to be able to remain professional at all times; but while things were up in the air, while I wasn’t totally sure, I didn’t think that it’d hurt for me to just dream.
Part 2
Chapter Eleven
Justin – Sunday
“Holy fuck,” I muttered angrily as I walked through my house. “What the hell is this?”
>
It didn’t seem to matter that I’d sent my brother away to a hotel the previous night; the damage to my home was done. I hadn't noticed it when I walked in after my long drive because I was absolutely exhausted. I could barely see, I was so tired, so I’d simply staggered into bed and crashed the moment my head hit the pillow.
Maybe it was a good thing. I wouldn’t have been blessed with any sleep if I’d been faced with this. It was a fucking shambles. “Does that asshole have no respect?” I shook my head, feeling my temper start to creep through the roof.
How can Garrett live in my home and treat it like such a fucking dump? I wondered. Just because he had no respect for money and my belongings, didn’t mean he had to have no respect for me, too. After that talk we had as well, I’d been so filled with false hope. I knew that I shouldn’t have been. I already assumed that he would let me down, but to have it rubbed so violently in my face…it wasn’t cool.
As I trampled over take-out cartons, empty booze bottles, broken glass, a shattered picture from my wall, I imagined all the wild parties that must have happened here once I was gone. He was like a fucking teenager who had gone wild because his parents were out of town.
Then the door swung open, and I saw him there, looking like he’d been dragged through a hedge backwards, and for a split second, everything went violently red. I almost freaked out and hit him, but then just at the last second, my dad’s face filled my mind and I stopped myself.
“Sorry, dude,” he grumbled through the obvious hangover. “I was gunna tidy up last night, but I couldn’t get in.”
“Why the fuck is it like this in the first place?” I snapped, unable to keep everything inside. “Why are you treating my home like a fucking shit hole?”
“Oh, it’s your home now, is it?” he replied, sarcasm dripping from his tongue. “Last time I checked, I lived here, too.”
“You don’t contribute,” I growled. “You were supposed to be starting work this week. I know that didn’t quite happen, but you could have at least cleaned your act up a bit.”
He actually dared to roll his eyes at me, which was the wrong thing to do at that moment. Not when I was so fucking mad. “You are a lay about, lazy asshole. You don’t deserve to live here. I don’t know why I keep you. Maybe it’s just because Dad begged me to.”
With that, I spotted an instant shift in him, a whole change in his demeanor, which took me aback for a second. It was almost as if he’d crawled back into his shell, become a child all over again, and I didn’t know how to respond to that. Anger I could take, because I could lash back, but this…this was something else.
“I’m sorry,” he practically whispered, his eye shifting to the ground. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I keep screwing up.”
“I…I…” I really wanted to say something comforting, but he’d stripped the wind from my sails.
“I can’t seem to stop myself. I want to make a better life for myself, I want to do everything that you want for me…but I can’t seem to do it.”
I was stunned. I’d never seen this side of Garrett before. I hadn't ever seen him show any kind of emotions, so it really felt real. This actually felt genuine.
“I’ll help you,” I gasped at him, grappling with the chance to do something positive. “If this is something that you’re really struggling to control, then I will do whatever I can to help you.”
He nodded, but still didn’t meet my eyes. However, I did spot a tear dripping down his cheek, which tugged at my heart strings. I grabbed hold of him and pulled him in for a hug, this whole morning taking an unexpected turn. I thought I would be furious, I assumed there would be a whole lot of yelling, yet here I was holding him in my arms.
“I’ll come to work, tomorrow, I promise,” he stuttered through the emotion. “I’ll work hard. I’ll do whatever job you need me to.”
“Will you also get help?” I decided to really push the boundaries here, to find out how willing he was to change.
“It isn’t that bad,” he tried his best to tell me, pulling back to finally meet my gaze. “But if that’s what you need, then I will.”
“Okay, great, now go and get some sleep. You look like shit,” I joked, wanting to end this on a positive note. “I’ll call in a maid service and see you later on.”
He might have fucked up, on more than one occasion, but now it seemed like he really wanted to change. Of course, I would try not to get my hopes too high because I couldn’t keep having them dashed over and over again, but this finally felt more positive.
As soon as I had contacted some cleaners to come and sort the mess out, I headed back into the bedroom. I had a lot to do today, but there was something in there, calling out to me, begging me to read more. I needed to know more about Annie’s book; I was desperate to read more of the words, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else until I’d consumed a bit more.
I flopped onto my bed and grabbed the book, smiling to myself with excitement. Even though I wasn’t exactly the target audience of the plot, I loved every part of it. This was a talent going to waste; this is what I wished Annie was doing with her life.
I stare at him, my heart running away in my chest as I wait for his answer. Will this be the first person in the world to believe me, or will he simply be someone else that I need to cut from my life? Everyone else has been sliced away with ease, I’ve moved on quickly without even giving them a second glance, but Logan…he’s different.
I desperately need him to trust me; if he doesn’t, I might just fall the hell apart. I love him. I might not have said that aloud, but I absolutely adore him.
To him, I might seem guarded, I might seem shut off and quiet, but inside, my emotions run so fiercely that they could easily eat me alive. Not only is he absolutely beautiful, with his long, dark, messy hair and his piercing, green eyes, but he’s good. He’s a wonderful, kind man whom I know for a fact would do anything for me. He’s unlike anyone that I’m used to, and that makes it even harder that I might be about to lose him as we speak.
I want him in my life forever more, but of course, I’m not in control of that. That’s up to him – not me.
“I can see the pain in your eyes,” he tells me, sliding his body closer to mine. His finger lightly brushes down my cheek, which has my heart rate kicking up even more.
What does this mean? What is his answer? Is this his heart-wrenching way of saying goodbye? Where will I go if it is? What can I do from here? Attempting to settle down after all that I’ve been through has been the hardest thing ever for me, and I honestly don’t know if I have the strength to do it again. “I can tell that there’s a massive, gaping hole in your heart. I don’t know what’s done that to you, but I know it’s real.”
As he speaks about that moment, I can feel myself opening up wide. I hate being vulnerable, I always have, which is why my guards are so high.
But with just a few short words, I feel like Logan can see everything. He can see why I’m afraid, he can feel the deep cuts that dig into my every organ, he can sense the way that my bones shatter with every step, the memory of my previous life pouring from every orifice. Even the parts that I don’t want anyone to ever see.
“You’re broken,” he whispers, leaning in so close that I can feel his breath tickling my cheek. “I want to fix you.”
With that one statement, I can feel myself pulling out from the muddy waters that have been threatening to drown me for a very long time. The sickness that has been swirling around inside of me for as long as I can remember eases off, just a little bit. The anxiety fades, just a tad.
“I know you didn’t kill him.”
As those final words leave his mouth, I let out a breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding. I might have dreamt about killing him, over and over again. I might have wished all kinds of things to happen to him, but I didn’t do it. I would never actually take that step. And to finally have someone see that…it’s like a dream come true.
/> “I love you,” I tell him, allowing everything to spill out once and for all. “I know that might be crazy, I know that we haven’t known each other very long, but I do.”
“I love you, too,” he confirms before scooping me up in his arms, changing my entire perspective of the world. Maybe with this man’s love, I can put the past behind me, I can start afresh. It won’t be easy, the scars that I have are very ingrained, but maybe, just maybe…
I stopped reading for a second, my heart pounding in my chest. There was something so real about the words written across this page, it made me wonder if maybe this related to Annie much closer than she would have me believe. I already knew that she had a daughter and there didn’t seem to be a father in the picture…maybe this was a little bit about him. Not that I was assuming she was accused of killing him, but maybe she used the emotion of whatever happened between them to make this the incredible story that it was.
I didn’t like to even think about Annie going through a hard time, but that might have been the reason that she was so cold with me when I invited her back to my hotel room. Maybe she saw me as yet another man who wanted to use and destroy her. I never wanted to be that – I just got carried away in the heat of the moment.
With that thought circling through my mind, I became even more determined that I would do what I could to invest in Annie. I’d already half decided that I really wanted to, more because of her than the business, and now I knew that I’d do everything I could to make that happen. Sure, Boffees might not be the place to make me big bucks, but I was doing that elsewhere, and if Garrett really was going to change, it wouldn’t be such a pressing issue anyway.
I would just have to find a way to convince Harry that it was the best thing for us, however much of a challenge that was going to be.