by Alexa Davis
Oh God, we were back at that. “That isn’t the case at all,” I told him seriously. “Do you not think that I’ve proved my love for you with everything I’ve done for you over the years?”
When he didn’t answer that, I decided that there was no harm in digging deeper. The wedge between us was already gigantic, what more damage could I do? “Now, I think you really need to think about what you’ve done. The victim was a teenage girl on her way back from college. She had a family, a life, now she’s gone—”
“So you’ve read the papers then? Made up your mind from that?” He folded his arms across his chest and actually dared to roll his eyes at me. Why the fuck am I trying to reason with someone who so clearly doesn’t give a shit? I was trying to find some empathy, some sympathy, when there wasn’t any.
“No, I read the lawyer’s court report. I haven’t seen the news at all,” I replied coldly. “So do you want to tell me your side of the story or not?”
“Not,” he didn’t surprise me by saying. “Why don’t we talk about your faults, instead?”
“What the hell are on about now?” I asked wearily. This was typical Garrett, always turning the blame around, and as our vicious cycle always went, I was allowing myself to get sucked right in.
“Well, you are your father’s son, after all. Why are you getting so deeply involved with a woman when you’re only going to cheat on her and break her heart?”
“Oh my God, are you serious? First off, my personal life is none of your business—”
“But it’s all right for you to get involved in mine?”
“And secondly, even if what you told me about Dad was the truth, then why would I follow in the same path? I’m my own man, you know?”
“None of us are,” he shook his head as if he was pitying me. “The Gains gene is a bad one. We’re all fuck ups; we don’t deserve anything good to happen to us. We’re all born lonely, and we die that way, too.”
Is that why he didn’t seem to give a shit about any of this? Is he depressed? Maybe this wasn’t about me being like Dad; maybe this was him being like Mom. Maybe he was the one who had carried on the genes. Maybe he stepped into that car drunk, wanting to die; maybe the only thing he was upset about was being alive. Maybe that was why he wanted to get out so desperately…
All of a sudden, the air felt thick and the walls started to close in on me. I couldn’t stand it – my lungs began to constrict like they couldn’t get enough air. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” I managed to gasp out as I stood up. “I will get the lawyer to contact you.” My eyes were swimming, my heart racing, I didn’t know anything except for the fact that I needed to escape.
Garrett looked like he didn’t give a shit about what he was doing to me. He simply shrugged his shoulders and turned his eyes away, making it easier for me to leave him alone.
As I staggered outside, and I gasped in deep fresh breaths of air, my mind raced with unpleasant thoughts. What am I going to do if my brother is suicidal? How am I going to cope with losing the last remaining member of my family? And, if Garrett does have Mom’s genes, then do I have Dad’s? Will I turn out like him, even if I don’t want to?
I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t cope with the idea of being alone with only my thoughts for company. I had to head into the office where I could have work to distract me. I needed something to do to stop me from all of this worrying. So I got into my car and headed towards work.
As I wandered through the halls of the office, I felt like I was in a dream world. People called out to me, but all I could manage was a small smile as a reply. Maybe it was a mistake coming here; maybe being in the office was actually the worst thing that I could have done, but it was too late now. I was here.
“We’ve missed you,” Marie called out in that overly flirty tone of voice. “Where have you been?” I didn’t want her to come near me. I couldn’t stand the idea of her even touching me in the mood I was in, so I was grateful when my PA Lucia stepped into view, taking my attention away from her.
“How are you, boss?” she asked grimly. I’d told her an edited version of what had happened, only because I needed her to reschedule all of my appointments. Luckily I knew that I could trust her enough not to say anything…not that it mattered at this point. Everyone probably knew everything now.
“I’m…okay,” I lied. “I just came in to see if there’s anything I need to do.”
“I’ve left you some documents that need signing on your desk, but that’s it. Everything else is taken care of.” I knew that was because of her; she was a miracle worker when I needed her to be. “Why don’t you get that done quickly and head home? There isn’t any reason for you to be here.”
“Thank you,” I replied gratefully, knowing that she was being kind. “I’ll lock myself away for a while and get that done.”
As I locked the rest of the world away, I let out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding. This was too much to handle right now, but I could just about cope with signing my name on a few pieces of paper. They would have been vetted by Lucia anyway, so I didn’t even have to read them. Luckily, because my eyes were not in the mood to focus.
Once I’d gone through the five minutes of work she’d left for me, I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes for a few moments. I couldn’t quite face seeing everyone again yet, so staying in here really was the only option.
“Why don’t we talk about your faults instead?”
“The Gains gene is a bad one.”
“We’re all fuck ups; we don’t deserve anything good to happen to us.”
“We’re all born lonely, and we die that way, too.”
Garrett’s words circled around and around in my mind, damn near driving me insane. The more I thought about it, the more it felt like his words might have a lot more truth and weight to them that I’d first assumed.
I didn’t really know anything about our family history because Dad pointedly never talked about anyone, and now I was starting to wonder why. Maybe we were just a bad lot.
Ring, ring…
As my phone rang, and I noticed Annie’s name pop up on the screen, I felt my heart fluttering sadly. I couldn’t speak to her, not now, not while I wasn’t even sure whether I was coming or going. She deserved better; she deserved the world. And after it seemed like she’d been hurt in the past, I really wanted that for her – and it wouldn’t be me that could give it to her. Not right now.
What I needed to do was take a step back, to reevaluate everything. I was aware that I could lose her along the way, that she could meet someone better, but that was a sacrifice I would have to make, for her sake. I didn’t want to be like my dad if he was a cheat – I didn’t ever want that title – so I hoped that by putting Annie first, I was taking a step in the right direction.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Annie – Thursday
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” Rae asked me, shaking me from my thoughts. I’d been washing the dishes, and somewhere along the line I must have gotten lost in my thoughts because I was still scrubbing the same pan ten minutes later. “You seem sad.”
Oh God, I was doing my best to hid my emotions, but it seemed that I wasn’t doing the best job. Of course, Rae was extra perceptive, she’d always been that way, but I was still shocked that she’d seen through all of my fake smiles. I’d assumed that I was doing quite well.
I leaned down to her level and took her hands in mine. “I’m okay, sweetie. I just don’t feel very well,” I half lied. I hadn't been feeling great for the last couple of days, and as Justin still hadn't called me back from that missed call, it had gotten worse. “Maybe I should take the day off work, and hang out with you and Nancy all day?”
“I would love that!” Rae exclaimed, throwing her hands around my neck. “That will be so fun! I love it when you stay home with me.”
“Okay, when Nancy arrives I’ll pop out to put a note in the window at Boffees, then we can do whatever you like. We can have a super fun girly day.”
Luckily, I knew that my customers were loyal enough to still come in if I was closed for one day. That occasionally happened when myself or Rae was really sick, so it wouldn’t come as a huge surprise to anyone. “What do you say?”
“I want to watch movies and eat ice cream!” she jumped up and down with a beaming smile on her face. “I want to have a tea party with my dolls and paint your nails, too.”
“Okay, I’ll pick up ice cream, too. Oh!” I heard a rapping at the door. “That’ll probably be Nancy; let’s go and see what you want to do.”
As my friend walked through the door, her expression turned to confused the moment she saw me, as if she could see through the mask, as well. “Rae just told me that you aren’t well, but it isn’t really that, is it?” Okay, yep, she could see right into the depths of my soul. We’d been friends for long enough for her to just know that all was terrible with me.
“No,” I replied quietly. “But I’ll tell you all about it later. I’m going to take the day off work today, I don’t really feel like it. You can either stay here and hang out for the day, or go home if you have plans with your new man…”
“No, I’ll stay. I’m too intrigued to go anywhere!” she replied joyfully, seemingly happy to have the day to gossip with me, too.
“Okay,” I smiled happily, glad to have someone to talk to. “I’m just gunna pop to the shop to put a note up in the window, then I’ll pick up some supplies.”
As I walked outside and the brisk air hit me in the face, and I forced that fake happy expression back in place. I didn’t want anyone to ask me questions, I didn’t want people to even ask if I was okay…and Florence was a small town where everyone knew everyone so there wasn’t much chance of me not bumping into anyone. I just had to hold it together, just for a little while longer.
“Hey there, Annie,” someone called out. “How are you?”
Oh God, that question that had the potential to have me falling apart. “I’m fine,” I replied through gritted teeth. “Thank you, how are you?”
“Oh, good, you know how it is…”
I had to go. I needed to get out of there before the tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was barely holding to together anyway. I missed Justin a whole lot and that was only just coming to the surface, so I made the international “I’m busy” gesture before heading on my way. I felt a little rude, but it was essential.
I got home with bags of goodies under my arms. I went into the supermarket for ice cream, but ended up buying all sorts. We all needed a day out to veg and eat crap, anyway, so I was sure it’d be fine. I didn’t think the others would complain too much!
“Mommy, we’ve picked a movie!” Rae bounded over to me. “One about a princess!”
“Perfect,” I smiled back and ruffled her hair. “Get it all set up then.”
Once the film had started and Rae was lost in the plotline, Nancy and I sneaked into the kitchen for a quick, quiet coffee and a private chat. “So, how are things with you?” I whispered, wanting to hear about her first of all. I needed the distraction, to be totally honest! “What’s going on with your new man?”
“He’s good,” she smiled happily. “He treats me like a princess – you’ll have to meet him soon. I really do think that you’ll love him.”
“Ooh, you’re finally ready to unleash me on him. It must be serious then,” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively at her. “Marriage will be on the cards next.”
She blushed so brightly that I actually started to think that they might already be engaged. “I don’t know about that,” she said coyly. “But he is amazing. I’ve never felt this way before. He’s just really incredible, different to anyone that I’ve ever dated before. Anyway, we can’t get too lost in this. You need to tell me what’s going on with you?”
She shook her head quickly, as if she was afraid of hurting my feelings with her story of love. To be honest, I was a little jealous. Her story seemed so simple! No complications at all. Why couldn’t I get so lucky?
I sighed deeply, hating stealing focus, but I also needed to get some of this off my chest. “Well, as you know, I went to Portland on the weekend—”
“Ooh yeah, for your business deal. How did that go?”
“Well, not good. I turned the investment down; his company needed too much from me, more than I was willing to give. It’s sad to say goodbye to my dream for the time being, but I feel good about my decision. I think it would have been a mistake to sign those documents. I’m not too worried about that,” I told her confidently.
“What’s going on then? Something has you upset.”
I bit down on my lip hard, trying to keep the tears inside. “Things happened with me and Justin, and it made me realize just how much I like him.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…” Nancy stopped me in my tracks. “What happened? I need details. You can’t just end a story like that. Did you sleep together? Was he amazing?”
“Yes and yes,” I smiled a little at my friend’s upfront line of questioning. “And, I was starting to get the impression that we might actually become something serious, but then there was an incident with his brother.”
“There was?” She was gripped by my story, and I had to admit that from her point of view it was probably really interesting.
“Yeah, he got locked up and Justin had to go and sort him out.”
“What happened?” she gasped, totally surprised.
“Well, I think he’s a bit of a nightmare at the best of times – drinking loads, partying like crazy, relying too much on Justin.”
“What did he get locked up for?”
I hadn't wanted to talk about this part with anyone before, but with Nancy, I finally felt comfortable. “Drunk driving,” I whispered, unable to meet her eyes. The fact that she stayed silent proved how stunned she was by this. She simply didn’t know what to say, which was a bit like how I felt. “Yeah, so that dragged Justin away, and to be honest, we’ve barely spoken since. I don’t know where we stand.”
“Well that is pretty heavy; he’s probably tied up in all kinds of things,” she did her best to reassure me.
“Too busy to make a call or to send a text?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders to at least attempt to act blasé about the whole thing. “I don’t know, maybe this will all take his attention up for so long that he’ll forget about me.”
“I don’t know about that,” she smiled. “You’re pretty unforgettable.”
I didn’t agree with that. I was plain, and a little boring. I didn’t feel like there was anything exciting enough about me to keep Justin’s interest.
“Mom, Nancy, where are you?” came the bellow from the other room, dragging us back in to watch the end of the movie.
***
“Thanks for coming over today; that was lots of fun.” I hugged Nancy goodbye as a murky darkness fell over the town. “I appreciate having you here.”
“It’s okay, and just give Justin some space. He’ll come back to you, okay?”
“Sure,” I replied half-heartedly. I wouldn’t call Justin again because I didn’t want to come across as a stalker, so I’d be giving him all the space in the world. It was the coming back to me bit that I wasn’t too sure of. “Thanks for the advice, and let me know when you want me to meet your new man.”
“Will do.”
As she walked away, I felt hollow and empty, even worse than before. If I’d thought that I would feel better after sharing my feelings, I was wrong. To be honest, all that I’d done was make it more real.
The way that Nancy couldn’t say anything when I mentioned the whole drunk-driving thing proved that she could see what I could. She could see that this was a faint echo of what had happened to me in the past, that a small part of what had happened with Rae’s dad was coming back to haunt me…
No, I couldn’t think about him, not now. Not when I was close to falling apart, anyway.
“Mommy, can you come and tuck me in please?” Rae called from upstairs, acting like sh
e was in her own bed for a change. At least I had her – at least I had that distraction. Without her, I might have damn well fallen into a heap on the ground and sobbed.
“Coming!”
I held my daughter close to me, allowing her warmth to comfort me. My past might have been bad, I might have gone through some terrible times, but at least my daughter had come out of it. I could get through all the sadness, all the heartbreak with her.
But that just made me feel even worse for Justin. He didn’t have anyone to get him through; his mom had killed herself, his dad had died…Garrett was all that he had left, and now it looked like he was going to lose him, too.
That could go one of two ways. Justin could relish not having someone relying so heavily on him, it could make his business grow and his life improve massively, or it could send him spiraling downwards into a negative path of self-destruction. I wanted to help him, to be there for him, to try to ensure that didn’t happen, but I couldn’t be if he wouldn’t let me. I lived too far away to force myself into his life.
I grabbed my phone and glanced at the screen with a heavy heart, noticing no missed calls, just as I suspected. I scrolled through our old messages, even considering deleting them to stop them from hurting my heart anymore, but I just couldn’t quite make myself do it. Even if I didn’t want to be, even if I felt like I was only going to end up with a broken heart, I couldn’t stop myself from hoping that it would all be okay in the end.
Maybe Nancy was right, maybe some space would do it…
I could hope, anyway.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Justin – Saturday
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t want to hit the bottle, it felt like the wrong thing to do, but if everyone else could drink away their problems, then why the fuck couldn’t I?
The more that time went on, the more my brain got all tangled up in knots and I got really worked up about everything.
Things with Garrett weren’t looking good, at all. I kept communicating with his lawyer and learned Garrett’s obstinate attitude was making things worse for him. If he didn’t start to show some remorse sometime soon, he was going to get himself locked up for a very long time. But there wasn’t anything I could do about that; everything I said just made him worse. I wanted to get through to him, I wanted to make him understand, but I couldn’t see that happening ever.