Solitary Man

by Carly Phillips

  Kevin drew a deep breath, searching for what Nikki believed was a semblance of control. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and turned that dark gaze her way.

  Her stomach pitched, having nothing to do with morning sickness. The harsh angles and planes in his face and the razor stubble on his cheeks were enough to make any woman weak, but the look in his eyes struck Nikki in the heart. They reflected inner torment and pain.

  She sucked in a startled breath. Heaven help her, but she was still dangerously drawn to this man and the vulnerable part of him he hid from view. The part she’d glimpsed so thoroughly their one night together.

  “I can call nine-one-one.” The doctor glanced at Nikki.

  Kevin’s gaze narrowed. “Tell her, Nicole.”

  She clutched her fingers around the cold sheet, feeling more exposed and defenseless than ever before. “He’s the baby’s father,” she said, confirming his story.

  He clenched his jaw and she knew she hadn’t gone far enough to please him. Tough. Pleasing him wasn’t on today’s agenda. Taking her life one step at a time was.

  “Like I said, Mr….”

  “Manning,” he said.

  “Mr. Manning. Paternity doesn’t give you the right to barge in here. Now either you leave, or…”

  “No.”

  At the sound of Nikki’s voice, both Kevin and the doctor turned. “Can you give us a minute?” Nikki asked the startled doctor.

  “As long as you’re sure. You don’t have to talk to him.”

  “I want to.” Relief and gratitude flickered for a brief second in Kevin’s gaze before the steely resolve returned.

  Good, Nikki thought. She’d much rather deal with his obstinate side than any veneer of caring he chose to present in order to get his way. She wasn’t at risk of turning into a marshmallow when he was his take-charge self. As long as she wasn’t faced with the softer Kevin Manning she’d be okay.

  “I’ll be back in five minutes,” the doctor said, in what seemed like a warning.

  This behavior wasn’t like the Kevin she knew. Something must have triggered his anger—or fear, she thought glancing into his eyes. She knew Kevin would never hurt her, at least not intentionally, but this woman couldn’t know that. And Nikki wondered how many of the opposite situations the doctor saw every day. The thought saddened her.

  Deep down, Kevin was a good man. Not the man for her, though. And that hurt even more. He’d take the obligation of a baby seriously, but he’d never let himself see her as more than his responsibility. She’d never be the woman he loved. She wondered if he’d ever had experience with the word. Recalling his mention of a drunken father, she had her doubts. But she couldn’t let them sway her because their connection was now iron-clad.

  Her palm came to rest against her belly. She’d be dealing with him for years to come and if she didn’t assert herself now, she’d pay later. Just because she carried his child didn’t give him license to control her or the situation—no matter how strong the obligation he felt toward Tony or this baby. It was time the ex-cop learned Nikki was a big girl with a mind of her own.

  “Five minutes,” the doctor said again, then turned and followed the receptionist out the door.

  Nikki watched them leave, marshaling whatever reserved strength she could muster before dealing with Kevin. She sensed she would need it.

  No sooner had the doctor’s white coat disappeared than Kevin slammed the door closed behind him. Nikki jumped at the unusually loud sound.

  “What are you doing here, Kevin?” Knowing a strong offense was the best defense, Nikki didn’t give him a chance to strike first.

  “I should think that would be obvious.”

  “What’s obvious to me is that you’ve barged in on me in a private place in a private situation and acted like an arrogant man who believes he has rights where he really has none.”

  Contrition flashed in his eyes. He was across the room in two long strides. “You scared me half to death. I show up at your door before nine expecting to find you home, and you’re not. I figured you were out cold on the floor and when I break in to check…”

  “You broke in?”

  “I thought you’d passed out, Nicole. I thought you needed help.” Did his voice shake or was it her imagination?

  So she’d been right. Fear motivated his actions. Her heart did a crazy flip at the thought of Kevin’s concern. Caring was a possible start one that could lead to more, to love… couldn’t it? Her hand clutched around her stomach. “And you’re here now because…”

  “Because I was hoping we could talk before you went ahead and aborted my child!”

  Nikki sucked in an obviously startled breath. When Kevin had seen the clinic address in the phone book, he’d panicked. Not only for Nikki’s health, but also for the welfare of his baby. Although he’d made mistakes in the past he took this responsibility seriously. He was startled to realize he wanted this child.

  “I know it’s your body and your choice,” Kevin said, forestalling any argument she might make. “But I helped create this new life and I deserve to be a part of any decisions you make… before they’re irreparable.”

  Her eyes flashed brilliant sparks, but he couldn’t read what was going on in her head. “Please turn around.”

  “I’m not walking out that door until we talk.”

  “I agree. Now turn around and give me a chance to get decent,” she muttered.

  Kevin forcibly pushed down the adrenaline that had been flowing since discovering the phone book on her counter, and focused on Nicole instead. Dark hair brushed her bare shoulders and she sat clutching a white sheet that threatened to fall. Beneath it she wasn’t dressed. He knew what curves lay under the draped sheet and knew what effect they’d had on him in the past. What effect they had on him now.

  For the first time, he took in the private situation he’d intruded upon and cringed. He hadn’t given the circumstances a thought. He pivoted toward the door, giving her the respect he’d denied her before. And he waited.

  The rustling sound of cotton shifting and gliding over her naked skin was pure torture and almost enough to make him forget he had anger and issues of his own.

  “That’s a major conclusion you jumped to.” Her voice whispered close to his ear and a light hint of vanilla fragrance wafted in the air.

  He turned. She’d come up behind him, still wearing the sheet, although now it was draped tight around her like a sarong. Her fingers gripped the edges, clutching onto the ends hard and fast.

  “Do you blame me? You do realize you’re standing undressed in a Planned Parenthood examining room?”

  Deep purple eyes gazed at him in dismay and disappointment. “Is that what you think of me? Forgetting the one night that created this baby? You were closer to my family than anyone else. You ignored football to listen to my hopes and dreams of being a teacher, of being a mother one day.”

  Her voice caught and Kevin’s stomach lurched in response.

  “You of all people know how many losses I’ve suffered in the past few years. Both my parents, my brother, and…” She halted without warning, but the tension was obvious in the set of her shoulders and the flush in her cheeks.

  She was right, Kevin realized. In all his mulling over the angles of this situation, he’d never factored Nikki’s past into the equation. How could he think she’d willingly get rid of her own child? He’d kick himself if he could.

  How much more pain would he cause her? “Go on,” he said softly, hoping to somehow calm her down. Distress couldn’t be good for the baby or its mother.

  “Forget it” She blinked at the moisture forming in her eyes. A lone tear trickled down her face and the truth settled in his gut.

  He could do many things. Forgetting what she’d been about to say wasn’t one of them. “You were listing your losses. Your parents, Tony… and who else?”

  “Janine,” she said quickly, averting her gaze.

  “True, but it’s not who you meant.” Kevin h
ad no desire to torture her any more than he wanted to bring the issue to light. But if he and Nikki didn’t resolve their night together once and for all, her pain, resentment, and anger would eat her alive.

  He might deserve to be horsewhipped for leaving her, but she needed to expunge her anger. Then they’d have to find a way to go on.

  He placed a finger beneath her chin and raised her head until their eyes met “Who else, Nicole?”

  “You,” she spat. “You left me too.” Eyes blazing, cheeks also on fire, yet Nikki held her own. He was proud of her. Maybe they’d come to terms with each other yet.

  “And each time you say or do something like this…” She gestured around the sterile room. “You tear me apart all over again. I won’t have it, Kevin. Do you want to know why I’m here?”

  Not trusting himself to speak, he merely nodded.

  “For prenatal care. Where else would I go for basic visits? I don’t have insurance, I can’t afford a private doctor…” Her shoulders shook as she spoke, testament to the effort this confrontation was taking.

  He knew how difficult this trip must have been for her alone. He’d had a hell of a time finding the clinic and he wasn’t afraid to venture down side streets and alleys.

  He wrapped an arm around her and led her back to the examining table. Her soft skin brushed his fingers, and her tantalizing scent touched his heart. She sat down and inhaled deeply.

  She had enough strength for both of them, he thought. He took some of her courage and drew it into himself. From now on though, she’d lean on him. He’d see to it.

  “If you’d been willing to sit down with me and talk, we could have resolved some of those issues instead of you having to turn to clinical care. Alone.”

  “Why would I sit down with you? You walked out once. Even if you’re here to stay now, and for the record, I believe you are—”

  “You do?”

  She sighed. “You’re a good man, Kevin. That’s half the problem. You’ll be here for the baby. I know you wouldn’t abandon your child. But there’s no way in hell I’ll rely on you again.”

  Before he could respond, the door creaked open on old hinges. “Everything okay in here?” the doctor asked.

  “‘Yes,” Nikki answered.

  “Then if you don’t mind, we have to get started. I have patients waiting and I’m running late as it is.”

  “Come on in.” He spared a glance at Nikki’s pale, drawn face.

  “Weren’t you just leaving?” she asked.

  He shook his head. “It’s our baby’s heartbeat, Nicole. I’m not going anywhere.”

  * * *

  Nikki had protested, but Kevin drove her home from the clinic. They drove in silence. Given the many confusing thoughts she was having, she figured he was lost in thought too.

  When they passed by one of the local colleges, Nikki’s gaze was drawn to the wide-open spaces and people milling about. “I’d like to get out here.”

  “Here?” He slowed the car. “Why?”

  “I need air, space, time to think. I want to walk and feel the breeze against my face. I want to deal with everything I’ve learned in the last couple of days. Alone,” she added softly.

  He hesitated, but slowed the car even more.

  “I’m an adult. I can take a walk and grab the subway home. I can even take a cab if it makes you feel better, but please give me the space and respect I need.”

  He pulled into the first open space on the side of the road. “Do you have money on you?”

  “Do you think I’m a complete incompetent? I’ll be fine. I just want some time.”

  He nodded. “Then you’ve got it”

  “Thank you.” She got out of the car, slamming the door behind her. She didn’t look back to see if Kevin watched or pulled away.

  She walked for an hour on the Boston Common, watching the college kids alternatively lounging and studying by the water. Young and carefree. She used to be like them. She shook her head. She’d been one of them, yes. But like them? Maybe not. She’d always felt older than her years—due in part to the constant need to challenge her family’s concept that she was their baby.

  And now she was having one of her own. With her hand over her stomach, she turned and headed toward the T—Boston’s subway system—to take her home. She took her seat and the ride passed in a blur, as she was still dazed by the morning at the clinic, and the sonogram picture in her purse.

  No sooner did she get inside the apartment building and up the stairs, when what sounded like hammering reached her ears. She rounded the corner and came to her apartment. Curious, she walked faster.

  She headed down the hall to find her door open wide, and Kevin on his knees, tools spread around him as he worked to replace the lock he’d damaged during his earlier break-in.

  She came up behind him and leaned close. The heavenly scent of aftershave assaulted her senses. “Hi,” she whispered in his ear.

  He jumped back and the screwdriver went flying out of his hand. “Damn, you shouldn’t sneak up on someone like that. Especially a man with a sharp object,” he muttered.

  Nikki grinned, happy to have gotten the upper hand, even over something so trivial. It gave her hope for the future.

  He grabbed for the wayward screwdriver. “The least you could do is say thank you,” he muttered.

  “Thank you. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that I wouldn’t need the lock changed if someone hadn’t overreacted.”

  “Don’t remind me.”

  She stepped around him, intending to head inside her apartment. Instead she turned and knelt down beside him. “We have to come to some sort of agreement. A meeting of the minds.”

  “What kind of agreement?” he asked.

  “You have to let me live my life,” she said, thinking of their earlier argument in the doctor’s office.

  The one revolving around her keeping her job. Thank goodness the doctor had agreed with Nikki—as long as she felt up to it and there were no signs of distress, she could continue working.

  “I wish it were that simple, Princess.”

  She shut her eyes against the sound of his voice and that word. “It’s as simple as you make it. I’m keeping my job.”

  He nodded, recalling that the battle lines had been drawn. “Then I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”

  It did figure. The one time she didn’t want Kevin around, he had no intention of leaving. She’d just have to ignore his presence in her life, as difficult as she knew it would be.

  She was responsible for herself and the life growing inside her. She welcomed the challenge. She just wished Kevin didn’t feel the same.

  She sighed, knowing she’d better get used to his presence. He wasn’t going anywhere.

  FIVE

  Sunlight streamed through the blinds in Nikki’s bedroom. She’d managed to toss and turn all afternoon, but she’d gotten no sleep. The night shift loomed long ahead of her. Nikki pulled on her boots, then had to rest until the exhaustion subsided.

  “Why don’t you take the night off?” Janine walked into Nikki’s room and stood in the doorway.

  “Because I need every dollar I can make.” Nikki glanced up from her seat on the bed. “So tell me how long you knew?”

  Janine shrugged. “Awhile. But until you were ready to face what your body was telling you, I figured I was better off keeping my mouth shut.”

  “And bringing Kevin back into my life.”

  “He’s the baby’s father.”

  “And I would have told him—once I figured it out for myself. This way I have no breathing room.” In fact if she allowed herself, Nikki thought she’d suffocate from the entire situation. “I have no time to think about the best way to handle things because he’s trying to take control.”

  Janine walked into the room, her sneakers squeaking against the hardwood floor as she moved toward Nikki. “And this is a bad thing?” She parked herself beside Nikki on the down comforter on the bed. “If a man wants to he
lp take care of you, I say you should let him.”

  Forcing a deep breath, Nikki gathered her thoughts before trying to explain. Nikki and Janine weren’t all that different in what they wanted out of life. Family and happiness. It wasn’t that Janine wanted or even needed a man to take care of her. She could take care of herself, but the natural extension of caring—the loving—that was what Janine lost when Tony died.

  What Nikki would never have with Kevin. “You’re mistaking what Kevin feels for me. Obligation isn’t love. A sense of responsibility isn’t caring. Oh, I know he cares about me, but it isn’t enough.” She met Janine’s concerned gaze. “Tell me something. Would you have stayed with Tony if he’d gotten you pregnant but wasn’t in love with you? If you couldn’t share all those special times? The ones that are getting you through the pain now?”

  Nikki grabbed for her sister-in-law’s hand. Janine had to understand, if only because Nikki was tired and needed the strength of someone else’s understanding, at least for one night.

  “No, I wouldn’t have stayed with him. But apparently I have more faith in Kevin than you do. Or at least in his feelings.” Janine sighed. “The same way you didn’t know you were pregnant despite all the obvious signs? He just hasn’t gotten in touch with his feelings. Yet”

  “Ever the optimist.” Nikki marveled at her sister-in-law’s strength.

  Janine smiled. “When you have another life to think of first, it’s amazing how your perception of the world changes. You’ll see.”

  Nikki nodded. “I agree with you.” Her hand went to her still-flat stomach. “But it’s because of this life that I have to be realistic. And counting on Kevin for more than fatherhood won’t do either of us any good.”

  “I’m going to make myself something to eat,” Janine said and rose from the bed. “You know, Nicole, you’re very much like your brother. You see things one way: your way.” She shook her head, sadness etched in her features and the dejected tilt of her head. “But what happens if that tunnel vision of yours is wrong—and you count out the very people you ought to believe in?”

  Nikki narrowed her eyes. “What are you saying?”