Solitary Man

by Carly Phillips

  “Will he?”

  “The better question is can he. It’s sad, but I really don’t see it happening.”

  Janine sighed. “You never know. What with you two getting married and a grandchild on the way, he’s got good reason to want to stick around.”

  If Nikki closed her eyes, she could almost imagine the family Janine had just alluded to. Nikki, Kevin, and their baby—and Kevin’s father, the only grandparent arriving on Sundays for dinner. Just the thought put a curling warmth inside her.

  “Speaking of weddings…” Janine glanced over at Nikki. “I spoke to you last week and you didn’t say a thing. Wasn’t this an awfully quick decision?” Janine asked.

  “Depends on how you look at it.” Nikki smoothed the waist of her dress down so her stomach became more visible. “The bride’s already pregnant. Some would say it happened too late.” She forced a smile, one at odds with the jitters in her stomach.

  Janine slowed the car and pulled over to the side of the road. She glanced at Nikki, whose bulky form made turning impossible. “You aren’t fooling me, Nicole.”

  Meeting her sister-in-law’s penetrating stare wasn’t easy. Nikki wished she could have blamed her inability on the blazing sun. But having reached suburbia, a large tree prevented the sharpest rays from blinding them through the windshield. Besides, fooling Janine wasn’t an option. She had always been too perceptive by half, and being pregnant had only intensified her radar when it came to matters of the heart.

  “I’m scared to death,” Nikki admitted. Once the words had escaped, her body reacted. Her heart began to pound and she broke into a cold sweat.

  “Put your head between your knees,” Janine suggested.

  Nikki shook her head. “I’m not going to faint.”

  “I nearly did. The day I married your brother, I had my head in a brown paper bag up until right before I walked down the aisle.”

  “Are you trying to tell me I’m normal?”

  Janine laughed. “I’d never say such a thing.” She grinned. “What I’m saying is what you’re feeling is normal.” She shifted position again. “Unless you’re truly having second thoughts and not just last-minute jitters.”

  Nikki bit down on her lower lip.

  “Cut it out, you’ll eat off your lipstick. Now what’s wrong?”

  It all came down to the same thing. She wanted the fairy tale wedding. The “to love and to cherish,” the happily ever after. With the seconds ticking down, she was forced to look into her heart.

  She loved him.

  She always had. When she looked at Kevin, her heart raced and blood heated. When he was in pain, she hurt for him, and on the rare occasions when he laughed with her, her heart soared toward the clouds. She loved him, all right. But he didn’t reciprocate the emotion.

  His sense of duty was strong, so here she was in a cream-colored suit loose enough in the waist to accommodate her pregnant form. She may not want him coerced into marriage, but what else could she call it? If it weren’t for the life growing inside her, she’d run far and fast.

  “What is it?” Janine asked.

  Nikki met Janine’s questioning gaze. “He doesn’t love me,” she admitted.

  “He doesn’t know how to show it. There’s a difference.”

  “I wish that were true, but…” She lifted her shoulders, then dropped them again.

  “I believe it is, but unless he says the words, what I think doesn’t matter.” Janine sighed. “Do you want to call it off?”

  “For the baby’s sake, I can’t. And besides, I want to make it work.”

  What she couldn’t explain to Janine was that she was going into this marriage while making contingency plans for herself in case it failed.

  Nikki loved Janine like a sister, but her faith in Kevin was strong, her desperation to see Nikki with the man she loved even stronger. Tony’s death had reinforced her belief in grabbing happiness while it was still possible. And though Nikki understood, Janine’s behavior in the past made trusting her in this case impossible. Besides, in another week, Janine would be packed up and back home.

  And Nikki would once again be on her own.

  “So you’re sure about this?” Janine asked.

  Nikki closed her eyes, knowing this was her last chance to back out. She took a deep breath before facing Janine. “I’m sure.”

  Janine glanced at her watch, then shifted gears and placed the car back into drive. “Then we’ve got a wedding to make.”

  * * *

  Kevin paced the floor outside Max’s hospital room, debating the merits of whether to go in or turn around and walk away. He wanted to. But that was Max’s style, not his.

  You walked out on Nicole, a voice in his head taunted. And it sickened him to realize how like his father he’d become. So he pulled open the door and walked inside.

  The television blared too loud from the remote speaker buried inside the covers on the bed. Kevin shook his head, wondering if Max even cared. “Hey, Max. How are you feeling?” Kevin yelled above the blaring television.

  His father, looking more sallow than ever, pushed himself up against the pillows. He let out a loud whistle, more suited to a construction site than a hospital room. “Where’re you going all dressed up like that? Ain’t no way I’m the reason you cleaned yourself up.”

  “I’m getting married,” he told his father. And that was the reason for this visit.

  Although Kevin had given up on having a real father years ago, he couldn’t face this day without at least letting the old man know he was tying the knot. That he intended to make a go of this marriage. Hell, he intended to make a go of his life—despite his parentage.

  If he were honest with himself, Kevin knew he wanted his father’s blessing—something he’d never get. But here he was anyway, a sucker for punishment.

  “Well at least you’re doing the right thing,” Max muttered.

  “Like you did?”

  “I never said…”

  “You didn’t have to.” Kevin walked over to the worn plastic chair he’d spent a night in and sat down. Sunlight streamed through the blinds and heated his back. “You reminded Mom that she’d trapped you and destroyed your life every day she lived under your roof.”

  He shrugged. “Don’t think you won’t be doing the same thing. Coming home every day to a reminder of how you got tied down.”

  It shouldn’t hurt to hear his father’s feelings on parenthood. He’d been exposed to it often enough as a child. Yet on the verge of a major life change himself, Kevin wanted some support. He knew an I’m proud of you, son would have been too much to ask for, but he’d have at least liked a pat on the back.

  Kevin rose from his seat. “Nikki’s not tying me down. Besides it takes two to tango,” he reminded his father. Not that Max understood the concept of responsibility.

  “Talk to me in a couple a years and you’ll feel differently. In the meantime when are you gonna get me sprung?”

  “When the doctor says it’s time.” Kevin glanced at his watch. “I have a wedding to get to.”

  “It won’t be a party without your old man.”

  Which was exactly why Kevin had insisted on not postponing the wedding until Max was out of the hospital. He wanted to start his new life with dignity and hope. He wanted to believe he could be the exception to the rule. That this Manning could take care of more than just himself, but his wife and child, as well.

  He glanced over his shoulder. But if the man lying in the hospital bed was the foundation on which his future—and Nikki’s future—had been laid, they were in serious trouble.

  * * *

  Kevin paced the floor outside the justice of the peace, wondering if Nikki had finally come to her senses and changed her mind. He wouldn’t blame her if she had.

  He’d slept alone in his big rambling house last night, for the first time since she had moved in. The loneliness had been overwhelming. Everywhere he turned, he’d seen signs of Nikki. On the kitchen table, a vase filled
with freshly cut flowers. On the windows, curtains she’d made herself from a variety of sheets and fabrics. Personal touches that had turned his empty house into a home. He hadn’t noticed before and wondered if it was too late now that he had.

  Visiting Max had been his way of bridging the past and the present. Now he waited for Nikki and hoped she’d give their future a shot.

  By the time Janine’s cream-colored car pulled up in front of the small house owned by the man who would marry them, Kevin’s sense of relief was palpable. His palms were even damp and he felt like a damn kid asking a girl on a first date. He refused to question why his emotions rode him so strongly. Yes, he wanted the best for his baby and marriage would help provide it, and yes, he needed to know he’d have the opportunity to be there for both Nikki and his child. But at some point marrying Nikki had become important to him for more personal reasons. Reasons he didn’t want to deal with at the moment.

  She was here and that was all that mattered.

  She stepped out of the car and Kevin’s breath caught in his throat. By mutual agreement they hadn’t planned an elaborate ceremony and he hadn’t given much thought to details. Obviously, she had.

  Her cream-colored suit contrasted with her jet-black hair and offset her skin. As corny as it sounded, she glowed. He started toward her and realized her cheeks were a bright shade of pink. He wondered if it was the pregnancy or the wedding that had her so flushed.

  He stopped in front of her and met her gaze. Those violet eyes were wide and if he wasn’t mistaken, she was as anxious as he. Over her shoulder, he saw Janine standing by the car. Obviously she wanted to give them time alone, but Kevin could have used her distraction right about now.

  “You look beautiful,” he said.

  She reached out and brushed a hand over his one and only suit. Weddings, funerals, command performances—this suit had seen it all. “You look pretty good yourself,” she said softly. “Kevin…” She bit down on her lower lip. “Are you sure about this? You could walk away and I wouldn’t think any less of you.”

  “But maybe I would.” He grasped her chin in his hand. “Are you sure?”

  She let out an uncertain laugh. “I wouldn’t want these flowers to go to waste.”

  He glanced down, noticing for the first time the delicate bouquet of white flowers she carried in her hand. He cursed himself for not thinking of that kind of thing, for not knowing the little things that would make her feel special. “Is that the only reason you’re going through with this?” he asked.

  He knew his reasons for the marriage or at least he thought he did. Seeing Nikki now, realizing how deep his fear went that she’d back out on him, he wasn’t so sure there wasn’t more involved here than obligation and responsibility. And that scared him. Because when he let her down—and given his history, there wasn’t a question that he would—he’d lose much more than he’d ever imagined. So he needed to know her reasons, and he needed them badly.

  She touched his cheek with a shaking hand. “I have many reasons,” she murmured. “None you’d be comfortable hearing. But I’m here and I’ll do my part to make this work. As long as you do the same.”

  He nodded. It wasn’t the answer he’d hoped for and yet she was right. Anything more and he’d be in deep trouble.

  He’d thought of Nikki in a variety of ways over the years. First as Tony’s sister, then as the woman he couldn’t forget and lately as the mother of his child. He stared into the eyes of his soon-to-be wife. “I’ll do my best,” he promised her.

  He wondered if, like him, she questioned his ability to manage even that.

  * * *

  Nikki stood at the doorway to Kevin’s house. Behind her, she felt his solid presence. Her life had changed yet again and this time it was for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, till death us do part. A chill shook her and she trembled.

  She felt Kevin’s hands on her shoulders, steadying her. To his credit, he’d been just as steady and sure from the moment he’d linked hands with her outside the small house and throughout the brief ceremony. He’d anticipated her emotions and squeezed her hand when she thought of the people who weren’t at her wedding—Tony and her parents. He was a good man and the sooner she could get him to realize that the stronger their chances were at making the marriage work.

  “Second thoughts?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “None.” And she meant it.

  “Then you’re waiting for me to carry you over the threshold?” he asked, amusement in his voice.

  “I’d like to see you…” The rest of her sentence trailed off in a shriek as he swept her off her feet and into his arms.

  “Never dare a man, Nicole.” Laughter lit his eyes, but so did banked desire.

  She knew. She understood. Because she felt it too. And when they came together this time, they would be husband and wife. Considering the significance she was amazed at his lighthearted banter. If this was his way of trying, she appreciated the attempt.

  Once inside the house and back on her feet, Nikki took charge. She’d promised herself if she had to walk away, it wouldn’t be for lack of trying to make her marriage work. She glanced down at the ring on her left hand. While not a sparkling, glittering diamond, the simple gold band meant more to her than any jewel.

  “Disappointed?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “It’s perfect,” she murmured. “Just like the day.” Although she’d dreamed of a traditional wedding surrounded by family, those dreams belonged to the child she’d been, not the grown-up she’d become. And the small but intimate ceremony with Janine, Kevin, and the life growing inside her met all her current needs and dreams.

  She grabbed for his hand and as he laced their fingers together, a curling ribbon of warmth flowed through her. Just for tonight, Nikki wanted to put all thoughts of the future out of her head. She wanted to focus on the present. Tomorrow she would build from there.

  “Come on.” He turned toward the hall, giving her hand a light tug.

  “Where?” she asked, playing along.

  “Come to bed. My bed.” His husky voice pulled at her, luring her with its depth and need.

  She followed him down the hall, anticipation building with every step. She paused at the entry to the master bedroom. “I thought it was our bed now.”

  He swept her off her feet again, and deposited her on top of the mattress. As an answer, she supposed it sufficed. And she had to admit, it gave her hope.

  He lowered himself over her, bracketing her shoulders with his hands. The intense pull stretched from her breasts downward, where between her legs, a pulsing, throbbing beat picked up a steady rhythm.

  His dark eyes bore into hers and she was drawn in all over again. Kevin pulled her to a sitting position and worked at the buttons on the front of her suit. The lapels of her jacket fell open and slipped off her shoulders.

  Nikki shouldn’t be embarrassed. Kevin had seen her before, night after night when they’d made love in her bed. But he’d never looked at her as his wife—the woman he’d tied himself to—for as long as they both shall live. Or at least for as long as Nikki could hold onto the hope that lived inside her at this moment.

  But she couldn’t help the seeds of doubt, the concern that maybe he regretted his decision. “Disappointed?” It was her turn to ask.

  He shook his head. “You’re perfect. Just like…”

  “Don’t tease me, Kevin. Not about this.”

  He grabbed for her hands, which now covered her chest, and pulled them down to her sides. “Look. And see yourself as I see you.”

  She glanced downward. Her breasts, fuller now than ever before, spilled over the lace cups of her bra. “I guess I can see how they meet with your approval.”

  His hands cupped her breasts. His darker skin against her whiter flesh, combined with his heated touch, had an erotic effect on her senses. And when his mouth came down hard on hers, concerns about what he thought fled. Because she couldn’t mistake the reverent way his
hands caressed her body or the deliberate way he made love to her with his mouth.

  With every touch, with every shift of his body against hers, he told her she was special. He left no doubt in her mind that he didn’t regret his decision and that he wanted her every bit as much as she wanted him. As always, their inhibitions fled beneath the covers, but this time their union meant so much more. And she prayed that for once, it would last into the light of tomorrow.

  Kevin entered her, creating exquisite friction as every hard ridge of his erection touched the deep recesses of her body. And in the burst of light that followed, Nikki caught a glimpse of her future.

  * * *

  Nikki came awake by degrees. A delicious warmth heated her body and a tantalizing masculine scent greeted her with each breath. “Kevin,” she murmured.

  In response, his hand slid upward to cup her breast. She sighed at the strong touch and buried her face in the crook of his neck while her fingers splayed over his hard length.

  He groaned aloud. “You know how to start the day off right,” he said, pressing a kiss against her cheek.

  The butterfly-light touch whispered against her skin, creating a tingling sensation she didn’t want to end. With his other hand, his fingers moved idly across her breast, sending a direct current flaring to life between her legs.

  “I should get to work.” He made no move to leave but she braced herself for his withdrawal just the same.

  “Are you happy working there?” Nikki asked, less as a stalling tactic and more because she really wanted to know.

  He shrugged. “It’s a job.”

  “That’s not how you felt about being on the force.”

  “That was then.”

  She sighed. If he wasn’t going to make himself happy at work, how could she hope to make them both happy at home?

  He pulled her closer until she felt the weight of his erection hard against her thighs. “Do you really feel like talking?” he asked.

  She felt his hand on her cheek, his thumb beneath her jaw, stroking and arousing. He really could affect her with the softest touch.

  “Look at me, Nikki.”