Solitary Man

by Carly Phillips

  “Will you be okay if I put you in a cab and send you home? I need to run an important errand.”

  “Not a problem,” she said, her words warring with the questions in her violet eyes.

  No doubt she wondered why the man who professed not to want to let her out of his sight was suddenly willing to put her in a taxi alone. But she didn’t ask where he was heading. And he didn’t offer the information.

  This short appointment had altered his entire life. To be more precise, Nikki had altered his life. But these last ten minutes had shown him what true bonding between people meant. For the first time, he understood some of what Nikki wanted from him—apart from the nights they used to share beneath the covers.

  He heard the ripple of paper as she tossed the sheet into the trash and moved to his side. “As long as I’m in the city, I’d like to go to Janine’s anyway.”

  “I can pick you up on my way home.”

  She shook her head. “No need. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

  “It’ll be too dark for you to take a cab… Never mind.” Forcing himself to back off wasn’t easy.

  But words he’d read in Nikki’s photocopied literature came back to haunt him. Questions for adult children of alcoholics, the paper had read. And Kevin had taken to reading them over at bedtime, when he was alone. He’d rather have been with Nikki, but she’d refused, citing his need to control and his inability to reach out to her. Questions he hadn’t wanted to take seriously, but questions he couldn’t ignore.

  Did he anticipate problems when life was going smoothly? Did he isolate himself from other people? Did he have trouble with intimate relationships? Did he feel responsible for others, as he did for his drunken father? There were more, but those were the ones that stayed with him. Day after day, night after night.

  He looked around him, at the room where he’d heard his baby’s heartbeat for the first time. At the woman with whom he could share his life—if only he could learn how.

  There was a way, he thought, recalling the literature once more. But he didn’t know if he had it in him to take the steps he needed to take. He didn’t know if he could ever stop blaming himself… for many things.

  If he failed at this, he wanted to do it alone if not in peace. But if he won, if he conquered this next demon, they both had a chance at a future.

  “Kevin?”

  He blinked at the sound of her voice. “What is it?”

  “Thank you.”

  “For?”

  “Being here. And letting me go.” A soft smile curved at her lips.

  He understood her, just as she understood him. And that was their start.

  * * *

  One by one they filed out of the Al-Anon meeting room. Men and women looking just like him. Most held steady jobs. Some were married, others single. They looked like well-adjusted adults. But the one thing they had in common made Kevin question the last. They were all adult children of alcoholics.

  He sat in his seat long after the others were gone, thinking about the most important things he’d heard here today.

  He wasn’t responsible for Max’s alcoholism, nor his recovery. That much he’d known going in. He’d told Nikki the same thing when she’d asked him if he’d read the information she’d given him.

  He shouldn’t do things for Max that he could do for himself. In other words, he shouldn’t be paying his rent when his father was an adult capable of holding down a job and earning money to pay the rent himself. If he chose to spend a paycheck on booze instead of necessities, that was his problem, not Kevin’s. Yeah, like he could live with himself if his father got thrown out on the street.

  But if he didn’t stop aiding Max, Max’s life would never be separate from his. And if he didn’t get the lousy parts of Max’s life out of his own, he didn’t stand a chance with Nikki.

  He glanced up to see the meeting leader standing in front of him.

  “Glad to have you here,” he said. “I hope you found us helpful.”

  Kevin heard the sound of his baby’s heartbeat echoing inside his head. He saw Nikki’s expectant face. He nodded at the man. “Helpful enough that I’ll be back.”

  * * *

  “Did you tell Kevin about your meeting at the college? Janine asked.

  Nikki folded the last sweater in her brother’s closet and turned to face her sister-in-law. “No.”

  “Avoiding?” Janine asked in a teasing tone.

  Nikki was grateful she could laugh in the midst of this chore. It made what was to come just a tiny bit easier. “You could say that.”

  Janine grinned. “I just did.”

  Nikki nodded. “Speaking of avoiding… Remember when we started this a few days ago?” She gestured to the bags and boxes scattered around the room.

  “Like I could forget? Why?”

  “Well, Kevin came by that day. And I told you he’d been by the station house and wanted to let you know they’d found a box of some of Tony’s personal effects and they’d turn it over to you soon, remember?”

  Janine grabbed for a pillow on the bed and hugged it tight against her rounded stomach. “Go on.”

  “Well, they’d already done it. But I wanted it to be the last thing you dealt with, not the first. So the bag’s in the living room. Along with his uniform from that night.” She held her breath, waiting for Janine to yell at her for withholding something of Tony’s or for making decisions she had no right to make.

  Instead, she exhaled a long breath. “Thank you,” she murmured softly. Her fingers curled tighter around the pillow until they were lost in the feather-like softness.

  “So you’re not angry?”

  Janine shook her head. “I’m scared to even see his uniform. Last time I did, he was wearing it. And it was covered in…” Her eyes filled with tears and she swiped at them with the back of her hand.

  Nikki’s throat constricted and the pain in her chest was overwhelming. “Listen, we don’t have to open the bag. We can put it aside and you can deal with it back home, or we can just…” She shrugged, unable to even suggest they throw out their last link to Tony.

  “No. We’ll go through it.” Janine straightened her shoulders. “I have to do this. It’s… closure, you know? Then I can go home and let the good memories take over.” Tossing the pillow aside, she placed her hand over her stomach.

  “You’re sure you can handle this?” Nikki asked.

  “Are you?”

  She grabbed for Janine’s free hand and clutched it inside of her own. “Hey, I’m as tough as you and don’t ever forget it,” she said, striving for a lightness neither of them felt.

  Janine smiled. “Tony was proud of you, you know. If he never said it, it was because he was a big tough guy. But he loved you and he always knew you’d make something of yourself.”

  “So instead I got myself knocked up. Good thing he wasn’t around to see it.”

  “Only because Kevin’s face would be battered beyond recognition.” Janine laughed. “Tony loved him like a brother, but for laying his hands on his baby sister… Then again, he married you, so all would be forgiven. And Kevin is officially part of the family now.”

  “Too bad he doesn’t feel that way.”

  “Then make him feel it.”

  “Don’t you think I’ve tried?” Nikki slammed her hand against the mattress. “He’s like this fortress and the harder I try to get in, the more he shores up his defenses.” And it hurt. She didn’t know how much many more times she could handle being rejected. “Besides he hasn’t come to think of me as anything more than an obligation. Like you said, he did the right thing. Doesn’t mean he’s enjoying it.”

  Janine shook her head. “Tell him about school.”

  “What will that accomplish?”

  “Maybe nothing. But maybe when he realizes you won’t need him for long, it’ll scare him out of that complacent shell of his and show him exactly what he has. And what he might lose.”

  Nikki rose from the bed. “You may have a p
oint.”

  “I usually do. Now let’s get this over with.”

  Not pretending to misunderstand, Nikki headed for the family room and returned with the bag Kevin had brought the week before. She placed it on the center of the bed while Janine stood off to the side, wide-eyed, staring at the sight as if it might come to life at any moment.

  Nikki sighed. If her life ever got easy, she might not recognize her role in this universe. “Want me to open it?” she asked.

  “Please.”

  Her hands shook as she untied the knot on the heavy plastic bag. Her breath caught as she pulled out the dark blue uniform her brother had worn for his last day on earth. And her heart constricted as she listened to Janine’s soft cries as the blood stains on the material became apparent. She shut her eyes and tears fell anyway.

  She wished Kevin were here to support her. Did he long for her presence when he put himself through a difficult task, like confronting his father? Or was he merely glad she was gone?

  When Janine gingerly took the uniform out of her hands, Nikki stepped back. “Want me to give you some privacy?” she asked her sister-in-law.

  “No. I really need your support. I need you.”

  “You’ve got me.”

  “You know it’s not like I haven’t accepted things.”

  “Hey, you’re human. This isn’t easy for me either, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Have you given any thought to what you’re going to do with it?” Nikki asked.

  “Burn it,” Janine muttered. “But I wanted to make sure I got all his personal things first.”

  While Janine patted down the clothes, searched through the pockets and looked through assorted pieces of paper, Nikki put the rest of the sweaters and other clothing into the last box. She turned back around to see Janine staring at a sheet of paper.

  “What’d you find?”

  “A report. A goddamn discipline report dated the day Tony died.”

  Nikki walked up beside her. “Mind if I take a look?”

  Janine slammed the paper onto the bed and retreated, closing herself into the bathroom. Wondering what on that paper had Janine so upset, Nikki eased herself onto the mattress. She picked up the scrap of paper and turned it over.

  “Failure to follow procedure. Not the first incident,” she read aloud. Various other papers had scattered across the bed and each one she unwrapped contained another discipline report. Same complaint. Which didn’t come as a surprise to Nikki, or Janine, she supposed, or anyone who knew her rebel brother well.

  Including Kevin. But he’d chosen to shoulder the burden anyway, she thought, and was transported back to the night in Kevin’s apartment.

  The night Tony had died.

  * * *

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Nikki said.

  Kevin grunted. “Tell that to your brother. I’m inside babysitting my drunken father and he gets an emergency call. Why take the time to go back inside for me?” he said, his voice full of self-loathing. A bottle of scotch sat on the kitchen table.

  “Because it’s procedure not to go out on a call without backup?” Nikki asked.

  “I should have been in the goddamn car.”

  “And Tony shouldn’t have gone off alone.”

  “If I hadn’t been distracted, he wouldn’t have.”

  She shook her head. Arguing with Kevin when he was in this mood wouldn’t do either of them any good. “And you think this is going to help?” she asked, lifting the half-empty bottle.

  “I’m no better than my old man and at least this proves it,” he muttered. “And maybe if I finish it off, it’ll help me forget.”

  She walked up beside him and held out her arms. “I’ll help you forget… if you’ll do the same for me.”

  * * *

  The discipline reports proved what she’d known all along. It wasn’t Kevin’s fault. Her renegade brother wouldn’t think twice about taking a call solo, especially if Kevin was tied up with family. Family was important to Tony, just as it was to Kevin. He just didn’t realize it yet. It was so like Tony to protect the people he loved.

  Just as it was like Kevin. Only that time, it had backfired on her brother. He’d sabotaged his own life, just like Kevin was slowly sabotaging his.

  FOURTEEN

  The bathroom door opened wide and Janine walked out, eyes red and faced washed clean of makeup. Nikki understood. She was feeling pretty wiped out herself.

  “Do you think Kevin knew Tony had been written up that many times? That he’d received the last one the same day he was killed?”

  Nikki shrugged. “Did you know?”

  Janine shook her head. “Nothing official. If you’d asked me, I could have guessed. I know he’d been orally reprimanded. The guys would joke about it over dinner. But it never bothered either one because Kevin had always backed Tony up and been able to anticipate his renegade moves.”

  “Riggs and Murtaugh,” Nikki said laughing, recalling Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon movies.

  “It was funny,” Janine agreed. “Until it got him killed. Why didn’t he think of me before he ran off half-cocked?” Janine rubbed her hands over her eyes.

  Nikki nodded, barely able to draw a breath, let alone formulate a response. “I don’t know the answer to that any more than I understand why Kevin still blames himself for that night.”

  “Well we’re finished here,” Janine said. “The Salvation Army will be here in an hour for the rest of the things, the landlord rented the apartment with most of the furnishings…”

  “And you want to be alone.” It wasn’t a difficult guess. “Since your flight is tomorrow night, can I see you to say good-bye?”

  Janine nodded. “Kevin invited me to come by.”

  “Of course he did.” He just hadn’t mentioned it to her. She fingered the paper in her hand and gestured to the rest of the papers unraveled on the bed. “Do you mind if I take these?”

  “Not at all. You want to show them to Kevin?”

  “Yeah,” she whispered. “I do.” She didn’t think it would change anything, but he deserved to know. Deserved to be relieved of one huge responsibility with which he’d saddled himself.

  And after she’d let him know she planned to finish school and find a job, maybe he’d be twice as relieved. Because soon after, he could be relieved of her as well.

  * * *

  Kevin sat on the couch, listening to the sounds of the night. He wasn’t surprised Nikki had chosen to stay late at Janine’s. It seemed to be a habit with her these days, her crawling into their bed after she thought he was asleep. But not tonight.

  Tonight she needed to listen to what he had to say. To know he was making an effort to do as she asked and give her the family she wanted, by learning how to separate himself from his past. Opening himself up to her wouldn’t be easy. He wasn’t sure he was prepared. But by the time she walked into the house, he was ready.

  “Hi.” She put her keys onto a small table and looked at him, questions in her eyes. “What are you doing up?”

  “Waiting for you.”

  “Oh.” She bit down on her lower lip. “How come?”

  “I wanted to talk.” He patted the cushion beside him. “Have a seat?”

  She nodded. “Because I needed to talk to you too.” She sat down beside him. The scent he’d come to associate with Nikki—with this house—permeated the air, wrapped around him.

  Without prompting, she drew closer and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt good—beyond sexually arousing him, she lifted his spirits and lightened the burden that was his life.

  For that, he owed her. “You said you wanted to talk. Ladies first.”

  She didn’t argue the point, another odd sign. Instead she pushed herself away, setting distance between them. Distance he hadn’t wanted.

  She curled her legs beneath her so that her baggy shirt draped over her knees. “It’s about the night Tony was killed.”

  All the air left his lungs in a mad rush, while everything
inside him froze. Not that he’d put it behind him. He lived with the reality every day of his life. Just looking into Nikki’s eyes on a daily basis reminded him of his failures, and his similarities to his father. He could change his reactions to his father’s behavior, but he couldn’t change heredity.

  “Could you replay that night for me?” she asked. “Please?”

  He’d relived that night to the department’s satisfaction only because he too had violated procedure by checking on Max while on duty, and because he wanted official closure on Tony’s death. But he hadn’t opened up for the shrink his boss had suggested he see, nor did he want to start now. His nightmares and daily living were enough of a replay for him.

  “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important,” she said.

  This was Nikki asking him to open up and hadn’t he just said he owed her? He had no choice but to give her what she asked for. “We were on duty but it was quiet. And for a change I needed to pick up after Max.”

  Silence pulsed thick around them. She obviously respected his need to do this his way. But as he spoke, all the responsibility and guilt he’d been trying to let go came flooding back. “I was violating procedure, but neither of us mentioned it. Tony understood. He knew all about Max.”

  Which was more than Nikki could say, she thought. Until he’d had no choice but to enlighten her, she knew nothing about his alcoholic parent or his childhood. To be fair though, she shouldn’t have expected him to open up to her. He hadn’t shared her dreams of happily ever after, even after forever had been thrust upon him.

  “Max’s landlord had called. He hadn’t seen him in over twenty-four hours, and with Max, silence is as much trouble as his harassment. I went inside alone while Tony waited in the car.” He clenched and unclenched his fists. “It was supposed to be a quick check. My radio relayed a nine-one-one call and I ran for the car. Tony was supposed to wait.”

  “But he didn’t.”

  “No. I came outside and he was gone. By the time I caught up with him…”

  He didn’t have to finish his sentence. They both knew how it ended. “And you blame yourself.”

  “Of course. I had no business being with Max while I was on duty. Add to that, I should have known that if Tony got a call, he’d take off—with me or without me.”