Solitary Man

by Carly Phillips

  He shook his head. “Wrong. I never had anyone else relying on me before. Now I do.” He had Nikki and he had a baby on the way. He’d do whatever it took to keep them in his life, even if it meant cutting Max out until he caught on to the concept of sobriety. Hell, at this point, even if he didn’t have Nikki or the baby, he’d had enough. He wanted his life back.

  “It’s the end of the month and rent’s due by the fifteenth. I suggest you call on your employer. I talked him into giving you one more shot if you want it. That choice is up to you.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “Don’t test me or you’ll find yourself out on the street.” Kevin’s heart thudded inside his chest. He knew the phone calls that would come, the pleas for money, the guilt because his father had no food in the refrigerator. He didn’t know how he’d get through it.

  Yes, he did. Nikki. If she hadn’t washed her hands of him completely, she’d support him through this. And if she had, well, he’d see himself through. Either way, Max sobered up or Kevin was finished.

  Max stood, shock rendering him mute. Kevin had never been this adamant before, and Max knew it. So did Kevin. Max also knew there were other people at stake now.

  Knowing he had only one thing left to say, and knowing it was Max’s only hope, he handed him the pamphlets and papers Nikki had given him on treatment programs for alcoholics. “Take this. Consider it my parting gift,” Kevin said. “Read it and think about it. But don’t call me or come looking for me unless you’ve cleaned up.” Kevin started to leave, Max’s curses and words following him out the door.

  “Bring a kid into this world and look at the thanks I get. You’ll remember this day when your kid turns its back on you.”

  He gripped the doorknob with sweaty palms. “With a lot of effort, I hope that won’t happen.”

  “What goes around comes around, sonny. And remember, when you look in the mirror, you’re just like me.”

  “That remains to be seen,” Kevin muttered. He turned back once more. “You’ve got a family waiting—if you want one,” he said to his father, then shut the door behind him.

  Half an hour later, Kevin pulled up to the precinct. He might as well face all his demons at one time. If he wanted his job back, he had to ask.

  But first he had to face why he’d walked out on it in the first place. Tony’s death and fear. Fear of being responsible for and to another human being. A job as a security consultant left him responsible for property, something he could handle, though it left him cold and empty and unfulfilled.

  He glanced at the black and white patrol cars lining the street. Was he ready to ride in one again? To back up a partner? To be responsible?

  And remember, when you look in the mirror, you’re just like me.

  Kevin stepped out of the car. “I’m nothing like you, Max.” And as he spoke the words, he knew for the first time that he spoke the truth.

  The differences between Kevin and Max were more glaring than the similarities. While Max cared for nothing but himself and his next drink, Kevin was the opposite. If anything, he cared too much. Which was why he’d left a job he loved—because he’d failed his responsibilities and couldn’t live with the fear that he was like Max, no good at caring for anyone but himself.

  He’d live with Tony’s death for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t accept full responsibility any longer, nor could he let it run his life. Tony wouldn’t have wanted him to eat, sleep and breathe guilt. Neither did those Tony had loved.

  Like Nikki.

  He loved her, but instead of showing her, he’d driven her away. All because he’d been too focused on his shortcomings and not on his potential. Because he’d been too busy trying to be responsible in a backward way that hurt, not helped everyone involved.

  As he headed up the steps, Kevin shook off the memory of his father’s bloodshot eyes as he spouted the Manning prophecy. He entered the precinct feeling lighter than he had in months, maybe years. Just believing in himself and the future made a huge difference in attitude.

  Even if the future was more uncertain than ever.

  * * *

  Weeding wasn’t a pretty chore, but it was a productive task and the improvement was always evident. Nikki needed to see improvement in something, even if it wasn’t in any particular area of her life. If she kept at it long enough, maybe it would be too late for her to shower and change and still have time to hit the baby stores with Kevin later tonight.

  She didn’t know if she could handle it. A mother and father shopping for their unborn baby was supposed to be a joyful occasion, one that was fun and full of hope and promise. But all she would feel this evening was the pain of what would never be.

  “Hey you, keep that up and you’ll be pulling the azaleas along with the weeds.”

  At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she glanced up but was blinded by the late afternoon sun. “I was just gardening.”

  He knelt down beside her. “Looks like you were hacking up the flowers to me.”

  She shrugged. “It keeps me busy.”

  He settled himself beside her, looking comfortable in the soft green grass. “And that’s important to you? Keeping busy?”

  She nodded. “It stops me from dwelling on things I can’t change.” And sometimes it gave her time to dwell on those same things and attempt to come to terms with herself and her life.

  “Do you miss school?”

  “I don’t miss being in school. I wish I had finished before… Well, let’s just say I wish I was more self-sufficient.”

  He leaned forward. “I’m sorry relying on me’s so hard.”

  She sighed. “It isn’t you. It’s the taking I hate. It’s not like this is a real marriage and we planned for this baby and decided I’d be a stay-at-home mom.”

  “What if it were a real marriage? What if everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be? Would you get your degree and go back to work or would you stay at home with your kids?”

  She narrowed her gaze. This was the most serious conversation they’d had since… well, ever. And he’d initiated it. She was curious to see where it led.

  She leaned back in the grass, resting on her palms. “I’m not sure if I should answer. You’ll think I’m awfully old-fashioned.”

  “I already know you’re hopelessly old-fashioned.” He laughed, a rich, vibrant sound she’d never heard before.

  Hope, something she’d have sworn she no longer believed in, came springing back to life. Nikki quickly tamped it down. Just because Kevin was making small talk didn’t mean she should start weaving fantasies of forever-afters.

  “Well?” he prodded.

  “I’d get my degree—to have it—for me. It’s only one semester, after all. But then I’d stay home. I want my kids to have security and a mom that’s around. And I know I’d be just as fulfilled being home with my kids as I would teaching someone else’s. More so, really.”

  He grinned. “That’s what I thought. And that was the easy question,” he said, sobering. “I have a tougher one.”

  She shrugged. “Go for it.” She might as well humor him because he seemed comfortable and relaxed and she didn’t think he’d be leaving any time soon. Plus the longer he talked, the less time they’d have for shopping later.

  “What do you want?”

  Her fingers curled into the grass. “What?”

  “What do you want? From life, from marriage… from me.”

  He’d gone too far. She couldn’t humor him. Not anymore. Not at her own expense. Shopping for the baby was preferable to this. “Obviously you’re in a good mood, Kevin, but excuse me if I don’t want to play along.” She started to rise, but her growing stomach made a quick exit impossible and her sudden move resulted in a pulling pain in her right side. With a groan, she pulled her knees up to ease the sudden cramp.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  She nodded. “I’m used to it. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and stretch and I end up feeling like I pulle
d a muscle I didn’t even know I had.”

  “I didn’t know that,” he said, sounding very upset that he had been left out.

  She didn’t understand him today. “There’s no reason you should.”

  “There’s every reason. Nikki, I…”

  She leaned forward until she was too close to his handsome face. Too close to his arousing scent and the warmth of his skin. “You… what?”

  “Love you. I love you.”

  Her breath left in a whoosh and the pain she’d experienced suddenly returned, but this time too close to her heart. “Don’t say what you don’t mean.” She couldn’t handle it. Tears welled in her eyes and she swiped at them with the back of her hand. “Hormones,” she muttered.

  He reached forward and rubbed at the tip of her nose. “Dirt,” he said.

  She laughed, though she wasn’t feeling anything that resembled humor.

  “You don’t believe me.” Not a question, but a statement. Kevin wasn’t certain what she was feeling, but he knew for a fact she wasn’t taking him seriously.

  How could he blame her when he’d never given her any indication of his feelings? Never even tried.

  Tears streamed openly down her dirt-streaked face, yet she’d never looked more beautiful to him. He felt as if he were seeing her for the first time. Through his new perspective, perhaps he was.

  He felt his future slipping away. He reached out and placed his hand over her rounded stomach. “Have you felt the baby kick yet?” he asked.

  She shook her head then obviously changed her mind and nodded. “Sort of. Little butterfly flutters.”

  “Can I feel?”

  “It’s too soon to feel it from the outside. Why are you doing this?”

  “Because it’s past time. And I don’t want to lose you. Have I?” He needed the answer as much as he feared it. Probably more.

  “You do know how to drop a bombshell,” she muttered. “You love me?”

  “Enough to take a look at myself through your eyes. Enough to walk into one of those Al-Anon meetings. Twice. Enough to lay down the law with Max. I told him he has family waiting but only if he sobers up. Otherwise he’s completely on his own.” His gut clenched with guilt again. “I can get through it, but it would be so much easier if I wasn’t alone. Did I jump the gun telling Max he had us waiting?”

  “Is this another ‘I’ll give it my best shot at being a family’?” she asked.

  He spread his hands out in front of him. “Think about everything I just said. Does it sound like an I’ll try or I’ve already done it?” he asked. “I didn’t even think of coming to you before I’d taken all the first steps on my own.” And he’d risked losing her in the process.

  He heaved a groan. “There’s nothing else I can say. The rest is up to you.”

  He wondered if his heart had ever beat so fast or so loud. As he sat waiting, he got an inkling as to what he’d put Nikki through these past months. If, as Janine believed, she loved him.

  “The first time I met you I thought I fell in love. At first sight, if you can believe that.” She glanced down as she spoke. “Later, I chalked it up to a crush. I had to, since you never spared me a second glance. Until that night.”

  “When everything changed.”

  She nodded. “I didn’t come to your apartment for that, but I didn’t wake up with regrets, either. If anything I woke up with a sense of hope despite the fact that I’d just lost my brother. I thought, really believed I had a chance. That we had a chance.”

  “And then I took off.”

  “And reality set in. It’s taken months, but you finally convinced me—you couldn’t come around, couldn’t be part of a family. And now…” She pounded the grass in frustration. “I can’t read you, I don’t understand you, and I’m afraid if I let myself believe, I’m setting myself up for more pain.”

  And that pain was more than evident, in her eyes and in her drawn expression. In the recent past, as recent as yesterday, he’d have agreed with her and walked away. But no more.

  He reached for her, grasping her shoulders and turning her to face him. “I can’t do any more than promise, and remind you that the things I’ve said to you today, I’ve never been able to say to you bef—” He didn’t get to finish.

  Nikki threw herself into his arms, pushing him backward onto the grass.

  “So this means… what exactly?” he asked once he’d caught his breath.

  “I love you too. I always have. Those dreams never died; they just got a little tarnished, you know?”

  He brushed long strands of hair out of her face. “I thought I drove you away for good.”

  “I never went far. Not really. And as for Max, I’m the one who told you we were a family.”

  At the mention of his father’s name, he exhaled a long groan. “I nearly went back to his apartment about ten times today.”

  “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was, but you did the right thing. And I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”

  “I always knew that, in here.” He pointed to his heart. “But in my head, I knew I’d tested you too many times to deserve forgiveness.”

  She rested her body on top of his. For the first time in awhile, he felt her heat and her curves flush against him. The swell of her fuller breasts and the curve of her stomach pressed into him. He wrapped his arms around her waist. “You feel good,” he whispered in her ear.

  She let out a contented moan. “You feel even better.”

  “I can promise you I love you and that I’m here to stay, but I can’t promise I won’t need some guidance on this emotional give-and-take business.”

  She brushed a kiss over his lips. “Oh, I think I can guide you. You just need to have an open mind.”

  “My mind is open… to lots of things.”

  She grinned. “Why don’t you tell me what you have in mind.”

  He rolled to his side, taking her with him. “I could spend the rest of the night telling you what I have in mind.”

  “What about furniture shopping.”

  He held her in his arms, grateful for a second chance. “I think that can wait. After all, neither of us are going anywhere.”

  She smiled. “Not for a long, long time.”

  EPILOGUE

  The now-familiar sound of the baby’s heartbeat sounded in the small examining room. Nikki felt the rush of warmth fill her body and when Kevin squeezed her hand, also her heart.

  Dr. Molloy moved her instrument over the gel coating her stomach. “Have you two decided on whether you’re ready to know the sex?” she asked.

  Nikki’s stomach leapt in anticipation. They’d discussed the possibility last night into the late hours of the morning. Talking and bonding with Kevin had been almost more moving than making love.

  Almost. Because nothing could compete with the sensation of joining their bodies together and knowing that bond transcended the physical. And always would.

  “We want to know,” Nikki said.

  Kevin cleared his throat “Are you sure? Because there’s no going back. Once we know, there’s no surprise.”

  “I’m sure. For a number of reasons.” Once they knew the sex, they’d know the name and then the bonding process could begin even stronger pre-birth. “Are you sure?” she asked him.

  “Absolutely.” His grip on her hand became stronger.

  “Okay then, let’s see if this little guy—or girl—is willing to cooperate.” The doctor moved the instrument around her stomach. “Sometimes they get shy. They lie on their side, or they cross their legs.”

  Nikki laughed. “That would figure.”

  “A-ha. Here we go.” Her hand movements stilled and both Nikki and Kevin stared at the monitor. “Now remember, this isn’t foolproof.”

  “How’s your record running, Doc?” Kevin asked.

  “Well I don’t want to brag, but I haven’t been wrong yet.”

  He chuckled. “I’ll take those odds. How about you, Princess?”

&nb
sp; These days, that name made Nikki feel safe and cherished. “I’m dying here. Would you two stop stalling?”

  “Want to take a guess first?” the doctor asked.

  “Girl,” Kevin said. “With violet eyes and dark hair.”

  “Boy,” Nikki disagreed, recalling how certain she’d been for so long. Then sudden doubt assailed her. “Make that a girl.”

  At Kevin’s raised eyebrows and quizzical look, Nikki shrugged. “It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. Especially a pregnant woman.”

  “Okay, Doc. Let’s hear it.”

  “It seems that Kevin’s right.” The doctor moved the instrument in small circles. “And so are you,” she said to Nikki.

  “So it’s a girl,” Nikki said, envisioning pink and lace and eyelet and Kevin’s dark hair, and his deep, dark eyes.

  “Yes. It’s also a boy.”

  “Impossible unless we’re talking mutant,” Kevin said, obviously misunderstanding.

  Nikki didn’t blame him. She wasn’t sure she wanted to accept the truth either. “You’re joking, right? You do this to every set of nervous parents. We can’t possibly be having twins.”

  “Twins?” Kevin sounded as if he were gasping for air.

  “I might not be able to predict the sex, but I can definitely predict the number,” Dr. Molloy assured her.

  “Where was the other one hiding all this time?” Nikki asked.

  “Two babies?” he asked.

  “Three, counting you,” Nikki said, laughter in her voice.

  “I think I’ll give you two a few minutes alone to digest this information.” The doctor cleaned up and walked out of the room.

  After Kevin helped her to a sitting position, Nikki got a good look at his face for the first time. He was pale, and she couldn’t read his expression beyond the fact that he was obviously stunned.

  “Think you can handle it?” she asked, suddenly worried that after all their efforts at making things work between them, he’d be overwhelmed enough to back off again, due to the thought of two unexpected bundles instead of the one they’d known about.

  He shook his head. She hoped he was clearing his thoughts, not answering no. “Kevin?”