Basic Training of the Heart

by Jaycie Morrison

  Bett was sure she saw some relief in Rains’s eyes and a twitch at the corner of her mouth. “Would you like a hint before you surrender?” she asked.

  “I would love one,” Bett said, keeping her grip on Rains’s hand.

  Rains reached behind her with her free hand and took out her knife again. Bett hoped that no blood would be involved in this hint, but then saw that Rains had the blade pointed toward herself. “Look at the handle,” she directed. “What do you see?”

  Bett let go of Rains’s hand and took the knife so she could look more closely at the woven pattern that covered the handle. Finally she looked up at Rains. “Is that…a little snake?”

  “Very good, Private. And based on that image, do you know what tribe’s name was given to them by the Chippewa Indians?”

  Bett had no idea, but she remembered what Maria had said about her relative who had married a woman that looked like Rains, so she guessed. “The Sioux?”

  The Sergeant sat back a bit, nodding. “Once again, I am impressed, Private Smythe. Now I will truly test you. In what state was the Wounded Knee Massacre?” Bett shook her head and Rains pressed her. “Come now, surely your fine education didn’t leave this out. The last battle of the so-called American Indian War, fought between the United States Army and the people of Sitting Bull? Where five hundred heavily armed troops of the Seventh Cavalry avenged their defeat at Little Big Horn by facing three hundred and fifty Sioux, all but one hundred and twenty of whom were women and children? Where they used their newest weaponry to murder over one hundred and fifty of these mostly unarmed men, women, and children? What Whites proudly refer to as The Battle of Wounded Knee?”

  Bett lowered her eyes. She knew the history of the American Indian was filled with terrible treatment, lies, and injustices allowed by the American government and she could hear the anger in Rains’s voice. “I’m truly sorry, Sergeant Rains,” she said softly. “You are right that I should know, but I don’t.”

  She didn’t look but heard Rains breathe out. Her voice was calmer when she spoke again. “No, Private. I apologize for my tone. There is no reason for you to know that. It is not your history.”

  Bett was quiet for a moment. “But I imagine your people must feel very proud of the changes that you are bringing to that same US Army. You’re part of a new era in American military history, which is bringing together women from all over the country and every walk of life. I’m quite sure that the armed forces will never be the same, thanks to the influence of leaders like you.”

  Rains glanced sideways at Bett. “That is good of you to say, Private.”

  “I’m not just saying it, Sergeant. It’s the truth.”

  Uncharacteristically, Rains looked at Bett for a long moment. Bett wondered if she would ever learn to read the emotion behind Rains’s eyes. “South Dakota,” she said finally. “I was born on the Pine Ridge Reservation there but I’ve lived in many other places—Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas, Colorado…”

  “And now Iowa.” Bett nodded. “No wonder I couldn’t pin down your accent. Do you speak a tribal language also?”

  Rains nodded and said something in Lakota that had been on her heart for days, watching Smythe’s face for her reaction.

  “What does that mean?” she asked, leaning forward with obvious interest.

  “Roughly translated it means We watched the moon,” Rains said, feeling uncomfortable about the lie to Smythe, and even more uncomfortable about the truth of it in any language. She stood and paced a bit, working to put herself back in command. “I would like to hear your squad report now.”

  Bett reacted to the finality in her tone as she stood, too, turning the knife so the blade was pointed toward her and extending it to Rains. Rains took the weapon and it disappeared behind her back. Bett looked away for a moment as if switching her thoughts to her new friends in the barracks. “Maria was quite taken with the medical presentation. I think she’s leaning toward pharmacy technician and would love to go back to Texas. Tee wants to work in supply and stock here in our PX if possible. Helen is fascinated by the idea of driving those light trucks, so I assume she’s willing to go anywhere.” Bett paused and gave her sergeant an apologetic look. “Oh, and Barb wants to be a baker in spite of my poor attitude in that class. She too is willing to go anywhere.”

  Rains nodded. “Good thing someone wants to cook, since we all like to eat.”

  Bett’s smile faded and she resumed her report. “The rest are still undecided, but there’s still three weeks of presentations.”

  “You left yourself out,” Rains pointed out.

  “Well, you know about me,” Bett said.

  “But have you decided where you would want to work? Probably more than any other field, once you are accepted in cryptography you can write your own ticket. Although you should know that Major Ervin has told me that he would be thrilled to have you stay and work at the facility here.” Rains stopped pacing and they were facing each other.

  “What do you think I should do?” Bett asked, her eyes searching Rains’s.

  Rains answered, “My opinion has no bearing on the matter. You should go where your spirit leads you.”

  “Can’t I ask your advice as a friend?”

  “But we are not friends. I am your sergeant and you are a private in my squad. In a few weeks you will be gone to your cryptography career and I will be starting a new job here.”

  As the meaning of her sergeant’s intial words registered, Bett’s first reaction was to be offended, but then she had a sudden understanding of everything that Rains was saying. “And that’s your life, isn’t it, Sergeant? New recruits coming in every few weeks, transfers and assignments elsewhere for the previous group. You never have to let yourself become emotionally invested because you’ve chosen a life where no one stays around long enough for you to feel anything about them.”

  “You are out of line, Private,” Rains said, her voice tight. “And you are wrong. I do feel for my squad members.”

  “But only to the limits of your job, Sergeant,” Bett retorted heatedly, watching as Rains drew her hands into fists, clearly struggling to keep her composure.

  “So what would you suggest, Private? That it would be possible to develop a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who is going to be gone in two months? Would a series of brief physical encounters make me a better person in your eyes?”

  Bett opened her mouth to retort and then closed it. She lowered her eyes, thinking how a series of brief physical encounters described practically all of her relationships exactly. Was her interest in seducing the sergeant just her own way of remaining emotionally aloof? Was she hoping to stop feeling something deeper for Rains by just having a quick fuck, the way she had done so many times at Oxford? Bett wasn’t sure what else to say, so she settled for the most obvious. “You’re right, Sergeant, I am out of line,” she said solemnly. “I don’t know what it is about you that makes me lose control of my mouth sometimes. Will you accept my apology?”

  To her relief, she saw Rains relax. “Yes, I accept your apology. And I will tell you what it is about me. You are not used to dealing with someone in authority who is as strong as you are, so you do battle with your sharpest weapon, which is your intellect.”

  Bett smiled weakly. “That’s probably a much kinder assessment than I deserve.”

  “No, Private, it’s an honest assessment. And if you ever learn to discipline that strength without losing your passion, you will be formidable indeed.”

  Bett looked back into Rains’s eyes, knowing that whatever else happened, she would never forget how their blackness fascinated her. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

  Sergeant Rains hesitated. “Sometimes those of us in command don’t hear the truth as much as we need to, because others lack the courage to tell us. You spoke the truth about me. I know why I made the choice to be here, in this transient life without emotional attachment. But choices need to be revisited from time to time to see if they are still valid
. Thanks to you, I will do that when I have time to put my mind and heart to it.”

  Bett felt another surge of admiration for Rains that she wasn’t sure what to do with. It was more than the usual sexual attraction that she felt for certain women. She had been feeling that for her sergeant almost from the beginning, if she was honest. There was something deeply truthful and real about her, something genuine and almost lyrical about the way she spoke sometimes. “I would really like to have you as my friend, Sergeant Rains.”

  “There is a Sioux proverb that says, Friendship between two persons depends upon the patience of one. We may have to take turns being patient, Private Smythe.”

  Bett smiled warmly, not wanting to lose the intimacy of this conversation. “Now you’re asking for another thing I’m not very good at.”

  “No false modesty now, Private. I have a feeling you are good at anything you set your mind to.” Sergeant Rains shook out the blanket and folded it into the knapsack. She picked up the two bottles of Coke, stopped in her preparations, and stood thinking for a moment. She handed one to Bett and clinked again. “To the WAC,” she said finally, “where the daughter of R. L. Carlton and the daughter of Last Moon find common ground in their dislike of Coca-Cola.”

  There were several surprising things in that statement, but it struck Bett as extremely funny, and she started to laugh. She heard Rains breathing out her airy chuckle and that made her laugh even more. Soon she had to sit back down and Sergeant Rains sat beside her.

  “Are you all right, Private?”

  Bett stopped laughing long enough to say, “I believe you’ve just summed up the high point of my Army experience in that one sentence.” Rains looked away again and this time Bett was sure she must be smiling. Then her shoulders shook a bit and she covered her mouth. “Are you laughing at me, Sergeant Rains?” Bett asked with only amusement in her voice.

  Rains shook her head and from beneath her hand she said, “Mine, too.”

  It took Bett a second to understand and then she started laughing again. She had to lie on her back and hold her stomach. When she looked, she saw Rains wiping her eyes.

  Rains looked at Bett and shook her head again.

  “What?” Bett asked.

  “I have never known anyone who laughed like you do.”

  “In volume, tone, or frequency?” Bett asked.

  “All of that,” the sergeant answered, looking at Bett with an unguarded expression that seemed warm, almost tender. This is a window into who she really is, Bett realized. “I think you must have a good heart to laugh so freely.”

  Bett turned on her side and raised up on her elbow. Resisting the urge to pull Rains down beside her, she asked, “Did you know I was angry with you earlier this week?”

  To Bett’s delight, Sergeant Rains stretched out facing her, mirroring her posture. “I felt something was different with you, yes, but I didn’t know that I had made you angry. What made you feel this way?”

  “At breakfast after we had such a nice evening with the big moon, you completely rejected me in the mess hall, talking about the gulf between wanting and doing. Then not ten seconds later you had that redhead buzzing around you again.”

  Rains looked puzzled. “What redhead?” Bett watched her thinking until it clicked. “Oh, you mean Captain Hartley?” Bett raised her eyebrows as she saw just a flash of awkwardness cross Rains’s face. “I hardly know Captain Hartley.”

  “But you find her attractive,” Bett suggested.

  “What? No. I mean, I don’t know. I hadn’t thought of it.”

  “And now that you do think of it?” Bett pressed.

  Rains blinked several times. Stalling, Bett thought.

  “I still don’t understand why you were angry,” she said after a few seconds.

  “Yes, you do. I was angry because I could see she was attracted to you.” Rains was shaking her head. “What did she talk to you about, Sergeant?”

  “She thanked me for telling her to watch for the big moon.”

  “Is that all?”

  Rains stood quickly. “This conversation is not appropriate for us, Private.”

  “Uh-huh,” Bett said, in a tone that meant her point had been proven. She stood, too.

  “There is no reason for this talk about attraction. I am in the Army and I intend to stay for some time. That—that way is not an option for me.” Rains looked off into the trees, not meeting Bett’s eyes.

  “Even though there are probably several other officers on this very base, not including Lieutenant Boudreaux, who seem to be doing all right with being that way? They could be planning to stay in, too. It seems to me that if someone does their job well and keeps their personal business personal, then there’s a place for them in the WAC.”

  “That may be, Private,” Bett could hear her sergeant was genuinely upset now. “But I am not…comfortable with the deceptions required by that kind of life.”

  “But you are comfortable with deceiving yourself about how you feel?” Bett insisted.

  Rains turned away and picked up the knapsack, holding it close to her body, almost like a shield. Even though she was still facing the trees, the tension in her quiet tone was evident. “You don’t understand how I feel.”

  She hadn’t planned to reveal herself this way, but it felt right to step closer and put her hands on Rains’s shoulders, letting her body lean lightly against Rains’s back, keeping her voice barely more than a whisper. “Yes, I do, Rains, because I feel the same way.” She pressed closer, feeling herself soften into the firmness of Rains’s body. Rains gasped. “I’m well beyond twenty-one and this is exactly how I would choose to be with someone. That was one of the things I learned about myself in England.” I want to be this way with you, she was about to say until Rains stiffened abruptly, holding up her hand for quiet.

  In the stillness that followed, they both heard it: laughter, male and female, coming toward them. Bett dropped her hands and stepped back. Sergeant Rains moved around her and quickly put the knapsack on Bett’s back. “Follow me,” she said in a low voice and started off at a trot. They ran out of the trees with Rains calling out a cadence. When they got in view of the couple, Rains slowed them to a walk. It was one of the male officers who taught the drafting class and a WAC that neither of them recognized.

  Rains saluted. “Major Wilson.”

  The couple separated a bit as the man returned Rains’s salute. “Sergeant Rains. Doing some overtime training?”

  Rains inclined her head toward Bett. “This private has owed me laps since the first day of basic training. Today is payday.”

  Wilson laughed. “You never cut them any slack, do you Sergeant?”

  “No, sir”—Rains continued walking past them, Bett following close behind—“no slack for the WAC.” Wilson laughed again. “Have a good evening, sir.”

  “Sergeant.” They saluted again.

  Rains picked up the pace and Bett followed. As she ran, Rains heard Bett’s words in her head. I feel the same way. Did that mean Smythe’s flirting was real and was actually intended for her? In the previous weeks Rains had found herself enjoying their conversations, and yes, she could admit, there had been times when she’d acted differently than her usual reserved, detached manner among her recruits. She’d found Elizabeth Smythe interesting, intelligent, and temptingly easy to talk to. But now she considered that it had all been a sham, that Smythe had lured her in falsely, hoping to interest her in something she would not consider. Would not act on, she amended. Of course she was aware that there were those few women who had joined the WAC primarily for that purpose—to be with other women. Did Smythe think she was one of those? Was Smythe one of those? Sergeant Rains pushed these thoughts from her mind and concentrated on recovering her command presence. They stopped when they reached the parade grounds and Rains reclaimed the knapsack, speaking curtly. “This meeting is over, Private Smythe.”

  “Rains, I—”

  Further incensed by the familiarity in Bett’s voice,
Rains cut her off, speaking curtly. “It’s Sergeant Rains, Private. And if you are wise, you will keep your feelings to yourself, as I do. At least until you get back to Los Angeles or England or wherever you are going when you finish playing at being a soldier.”

  Bett seemed stung by the implication that she wasn’t committed to the Army and she responded hotly, “Just because I have feelings doesn’t make me less of a soldier, Sergeant. It just makes me more of a human being. You ought to try it sometime. Then you might not have to hide it if you want to smile or laugh or, God forbid, care about someone.”

  Rains wasn’t prepared for the force with which the harshly spoken critical words struck her. Their eyes locked until she saw Bett bite her lip. Too late, she tore her gaze away, knowing that Bett must have seen something of her pain.

  “You are dismissed, Private,” Sergeant Rains said quietly. She turned and walked away.

  Chapter Seven

  An hour later, Sergeant Rains turned restlessly on her bed again. As always, she was grateful that even non-coms were allowed their own rooms within the officers’ quarters so she could be by herself. Although she ate with the others at mealtimes, she never socialized with them, preferring to be outside alone in her free time. She knew they questioned why she chose to be apart and suspected they spoke badly of her for it sometimes, but it was worth it to have some distance, some space of her own.

  Two unnerving incidents tonight, she told herself, trying to justify the turbulence in her body—Private Smythe’s revelation about herself followed by the unexpected appearance of Major Wilson. Rains was certain her explanation of running laps was convincing; she had nothing to fear from that encounter. As it stood, Wilson had more reason to be worried, being seen near the grove with a WAC after hours. But things could have gone very differently. What if she’d given in to the significance of Bett’s whispered words, to her intoxicating scent and the touch of her hands and the way she’d pressed her body close? Rains breathed out again, trying not to think about how her heart had surged with her initial impulse to turn and take Bett in her arms. Not Bett. Private Smythe. Someone in her command. A thought came, unbidden but strong. She has awakened your spirit. Turning again, Rains set her mind, as she often did, to finding answers for present dilemmas in the lessons of her past.