Forgotten

by Lyn Lowe

  He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do about the tension between them. Imagining her silky brown skin beneath his fingers made his heart race. The fantasies refused to release him.

  Not until he glanced up and saw dark blue eyes. Kaie was never free of the weight of Peren’s gaze. She knew what happened with Autumnsong. She must know that he didn’t get the noble woman’s secret. But she still hoped, and he felt it. She was waiting for him to come to her, to tell her it would all be okay and that he knew exactly how to find Keegan. Her eyes kept him awake for hours, silently demanding answers. He’d barely slept since this all started. She wouldn’t let him.

  It was worse, today. They were stuck inside the same house for the last four days, and Kaie could hear the seconds ticking away. They were supposed to meet two of the squads that morning. The map said they were still several blocks away. A large unit of the Fourth was camped in a building just across the street. Any attempt to leave the modest home was sure to get them discovered. While they might be able to fight their way free, there wasn’t a chance they could get away clean. Judah wasn’t willing to expose the other two squads, Kaie couldn’t argue with that. Not logically.

  Waiting was wearing on him. The count was becoming a relentless reminder of how close disaster loomed. It was making him reckless. They didn’t have time. The window for his plan to work was closing quickly and, once it did, it wouldn’t matter if they were discovered.

  And then there were those damned eyes.

  “We have to leave,” he announced to the quiet room.

  Henry and Judah turned away from their windows. They all took turns watching the Fourth from the cracks of the window shutters. From the second floor the view wasn’t great, but it sufficed.

  “Yeah?” Henry snarled. “Wanna be the first one out, then? I bet them folks across the street’d be real pleased to see you.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” he insisted. “Tania and Hail need to know about this force before they stumble into it.”

  It was a good reason, even if it wasn’t the real one. Kaie watched Judah weigh the idea for a moment before shaking his head. “They won’t. They know the orders. When we don’t report in, they’ll assume we’re dead or captured. They’ll retreat and alert the others. They’ll keep up with the attacks with or without us.”

  Kaie didn’t share Judah’s unfailing faith in the other members of their dubious resistance. The man inspired confidence in people that defied logic. They were barely holding together what he assembled with ease. Neither one of them could claim Gregor’s natural presence. Without them, he was sure each member left in the Twelfth would end up enlisted in the Fourth in less than a fortnight.

  He needed a different approach. “Callo made his deal with me, not them. He’s not going to keep feeding them. Especially not if his daughter’s missing.”

  That got everyone’s undivided attention. Mola glared at him with a hatred that was almost physical.

  “How can the boy know this?” She demanded, her hands dropping to her hips. He recognized the stance well. In a second, the knives would be in her hands. A second after that, they would probably be pressed against his throat. Or maybe they’d go into his gut this time. She wasn’t designed for this kind of waiting, either.

  “Callo introduced you as an apprentice, but not his. But why else would he bring you anywhere? And why would he want you at his side for this, or trust you to keep an eye on us now?”

  She hissed at him, and that was answer enough for even Henry to puzzle out.

  Judah frowned. “That changes things,” he allowed. “But not our situation. There’s still no way out, Kale.”

  “There’s one.” He looked back to Mola. Even before he spoke again, she understood and shook her head. “Take us into the passes.”

  “No!”

  “You gave your word that you’d be our guide, Mola. That you would do what you could to keep us from being captured.”

  “She didn’t promise to bring the trespassers into the heart of the greatest city!”

  “Funny,” Henry said. “I thought the heart was that Dau lady you and your papa were going on about.”

  She spat at him. Kaie bit down a laugh.

  “I’ve already been in the passes,” he reminded her, working to hide his amusement. “More than once. Your father was the one who told me of them.”

  “Then he will suffer when the gods learn of his dishonor. This girl will not.”

  He searched her eyes for some hint of doubt, for some weakness he could exploit. There wasn’t any. “I’ll go by myself, then.”

  There was another hiss, this time one of steel. One of her knives slid out and pressed against Kaie’s throat. “This girl will not allow it.”

  “Then stop me, Mola.”

  Kaie wanted her to smile at that, to give some sign that she was enjoying the confrontation as much as he was. She didn’t, though. Her face was impossibly neutral. “Kale will not violate the greatest city again,” she promised.

  He was certain she would kill him if he didn’t back down. He could see the promise, the hope, in her eyes. She wanted to kill him. Mola was only waiting for him to give her the excuse she needed. Even if he didn’t today, she would find another. A night when it wasn’t just his life in the balance. She would burn the whole city to ash and bury it beneath the sands. He could see it all unfolding in his mind’s eye, hear her screaming into the blaze. She would be die free. Free of Urazin, free of him.

  Kaie felt no panic. He thrummed with the need to do just that, to push her just far enough.

  Judah didn’t give either of them the chance to see what happened if he did. The soldier shoved Mola backward with enough force to make her grunt and topple to the floor. Then he spun on Kaie, anger stealing his good looks. “Enough!”

  “Stay out of this!” Kaie snapped. Now that the blade was gone, reality came rushing back. He could hear the seconds ticking away and feel the eyes on him once again.

  “Fate’s tits I will! What does this accomplish? How does getting yourself killed fit into that infamous plan of yours?”

  He snarled at the giant, but gave no answer. Kaie didn’t have one.

  “You’re staying out of the damn passes. We’ve time yet. If the Fourth hasn’t moved by nightfall, we’ll talk again. For now, go cool off!”

  It wasn’t right. Kaie was supposed to be the one in charge. Control was slipping away faster than he could grab hold of it. Whatever happened with Mola, it took root in him and wouldn’t let go. He couldn’t shake it off as a fantasy. He could feel the heat on his skin and taste the ash in the back of his throat. Gods but he wanted it. He left the room, more because he was afraid someone would notice just how unnerved he was by the experience than out of a desire to do as he was told.

  In the single room upstairs, they moved all the furniture around to suit their needs. It ruined any sense that it was once someone’s bedroom. Downstairs was another matter. They left it untouched, in case one of the patrols came thorough. They threw out the rotting food when they first arrived, before the Fourth showed up, but otherwise everything was exactly how it was left.

  The effect was eerie. Whoever lived here left pieces of themselves everywhere. A painting hung above the fireplace, a pretty jade necklace left on the dresser, a book, the open page half-filled with handwritten numbers. The table was still set for two, waiting for the couple to return and begin their dinner. One of chairs was pulled out from the table even, ready for someone to sit down in front of the dusty bowls. The room was frozen in time, waiting for life to return.

  Kaie wasn’t interested in preserving the scene just now. He rooted around the cupboards with determination, looking for something he couldn’t name. He plopped down into the waiting chair, sending up a small cloud of dust, and pulled the stopper off the bottle. The smell of alcohol hit his nose immediately, followed by a rich, almost sweet scent. He closed his eyes and breathed in the golden brown aroma. Two smooth mouthfuls later, a pleasant fire was spreading
out from his stomach.

  He didn’t get to drink much. The only stuff Peren and Vaughan could get was just as likely to make him blind as get him drunk, and the headache the next day was never worth it. The wine Gregor got his hands on was significantly better. They couldn’t afford to indulge much, though. There were too many eyes, even in the manse.

  This time Kaie intended to get truly drunk and stay that way as long as he could manage. Long enough to get rid of the image in his head, and maybe long enough to drown out the sound of time disappearing. And whatever sort of spirits he held was proving to be very accommodating. Already, he was feeling the effects.

  Peren slid into the seat across from him. He didn’t even notice her coming down the stairs. Kaie scowled at her, more irritated that she would interrupt than concerned about her reasons for it. His mistake.

  “Did you ever love him?” She asked him softly. The words were hammer blows, shattering the euphoria the booze was trying so hard to make for him.

  No need to ask who she meant. “Yes.”

  Her big eyes blinked. He couldn’t see any of the thousand accusations he expected in them, but they weren’t the same either. Kaie got no sense of her looking through him. He couldn’t sort out how he felt about that. Good, maybe. He didn’t want her to see what was inside him now. But he remembered what it was like, seeing himself as a good man through her eyes. He missed that. He didn’t even realize how much until this moment.

  “I can’t tell if you’re lying.”

  “I’m not,” he said. He followed it with another swallow. The fire wasn’t nearly as nice as it was a moment ago.

  She let her hair drop in front of her face, but not before he saw the tears. Guilt twisted through his stomach. It didn’t mix well with the alcohol.

  “I could always tell before,” she murmured. “But you’re different now. I don’t know what you are anymore.”

  “I’m a survivor.” His voice was thick. It wasn’t the booze. “Just like you wanted me to be.”

  Peren made a strange noise, not quite a laugh or a sob but some combination of both, and her hands disappeared under her curtain of hair to cup her face. “He’s our son, Kaie. Our baby boy.”

  He stared into the bottle. He didn’t know if there was enough of the smooth fire to make him forget this conversation, but he was damn sure he was going to find out. One swallow at a time. “I don’t know what you want from me, Peren.”

  “I want you to tell me why.”

  Kaie sighed and rubbed his head with his empty hand. It didn’t matter what he said. He knew the reasons, whispered them to himself every night. They weren’t enough for him, they wouldn’t be enough for her. Understanding wasn’t going to make it any easier.

  “There was never any saving her. As soon as she stepped off that damn ship, she was going to die here. I couldn’t stop it.”

  “Don’t tell me that,” she cried. “You fight fate constantly! It’s all you ever do! Why couldn’t you do it for him?”

  “Because it was pointless.”

  “Do you even care?”

  It was just a whisper. It would’ve hurt less if she used a knife.

  He slammed the bottle on the table, making the bowls rattle. “She was never going to give him up! He was all the power she had left! You can sit over there blaming me all you want. Just remember, you’re the one who let her take him!”

  She gasped. For a second, he thought she was going to reach across the table and hit him. But that wasn’t Peren. There was nothing dangerous about her, nothing violent. She was strange and quiet and thoughtful. She was strong. But she wasn’t fierce, and not even Keegan was enough to change that.

  Instead, she flew back up the stairs. He watched her go with a sense of loss that surprised him. He didn’t want it. It made the sense of spinning out of control so much worse.

  He downed several swallows of the booze, and came up coughing.

  “Kale does not handle his brandy well.”

  He wasn’t sure how much time passed since Peren. The room was spinning now. The euphoria wasn’t back yet, but Kaie was sure he was just another half a bottle away. If the damned women would just leave him alone for a minute, he would find it again.

  “What do you want Mola?”

  “This girl wonders, does he make all the women who love him cry?”

  Kaie frowned at her, trying to sort out why she was at the table instead of by the stairs like she was just a second ago. “Don’t talk about Peren.”

  Mola sniffed and leaned against the table, snatching the bottle from his hand.

  “That’s mine!” He shouted lamely.

  She shook her head. “A thief can’t claim what they don’t own. This belongs to the people.”

  “I’m not a thief,” he answered. “At worst, I’m a looter. And I’ll claim whatever I want.”

  Her mouth pursed. “Is that what he thinks he will do with the greatest city? Claim it for his own? He wants to take what can never be his!”

  Suddenly, he wasn’t irritated with her anymore. He was back in that moment, the one Judah interrupted upstairs. He didn’t remember climbing to his feet, but he was standing inches from her, one hand wrapped around the bottle and the other around her free wrist, keeping it away from the knife on her hip. He saw the inferno in her eyes and he didn’t flinch.

  “Then stop me, Mola.”

  He pressed his lips against hers with a ferocity that he would never dare with Peren. She growled, a primal sound that sent shivers down his spine, and leaned into him. He shoved her backward onto the table and her legs wrapped around his hips. He released his hold on her hand, wrapping his fingers into her hair and jerking her head backward violently, nipping at her neck with no thought of gentleness. She clawed at his shirt, tearing the fabric in her haste to get it off him.

  The bottle slipped from their hands, forgotten, and shattered on the floor. Neither one of them noticed.

  Thirty-Two

  A sharp pain in his back demanded immediate attention. Kaie woke, finding himself laying in a puddle of brandy. His shirt was in tatters and his pants were twisted around his ankles. The room was dark, but a bit of light flickered down from the stairs. It was enough. There was no sign of Mola. For a second he entertained the hope that the whole thing was nothing more than another fantasy, wildly enriched because of the alcohol. But the scratches on his chest told him there was little chance of that.

  He rolled out of the puddle and away from the bowl he was laying on. The pain wasn’t gone, but it got much more tolerable. The smell of spilled booze was making his eyes water and his bare ass was cold, but for just that moment Kaie couldn’t be bothered enough to care about either one. He pulled up his pants, wincing as the liquid absorbed by the cloth hit his thighs.

  It was stupid. He didn’t regret what happened. Mola slithered up underneath his skin months ago, and Kaie couldn’t pretend he wasn’t absurdly satisfied to have finally had her. And he wasn’t broken. He had proof of that now. She touched him, he touched her, he fucked her. All without any trace of the panic. That knowledge brought a small piece of calm to the storm in his head.

  But Peren was upstairs. There was no question she heard what happened. Kaie knew it hurt her. That was, he admitted to himself, a part of why it happened. He’d wanted to hurt her, to make her suffer for her accusations.

  “Better this way,” he muttered to himself. But it wasn’t.

  “Are you trying to break my sister?”

  Kaie scowled at the foot of the staircase. That was getting annoying. Why couldn’t the stairs squeak or give him some other warning people were coming to attack him.

  “No.”

  Vaughan didn’t react. He just stood there, unmovable and unemotional.

  “No!” Kaie snarled. “I don’t want to hurt her at all.”

  The blonde’s lips pressed into a thin line, but he still said nothing. Against the silent accusation, Kaie felt his anger deflate. “Alright. I wanted to hurt her yesterday,” he admitte
d. “She hurt me and I hit back. It’s what I do.”

  “Now.”

  He shrugged. “Yeah. Now.”

  “That’s not how you survive, Bruhani.”

  He sighed and picked up one of the chairs he and Mola knocked over. Tugging the tatters of his shirt tight across his chest, Kaie dropped into the seat and gestured for Vaughan to take the other one. After a moment of hesitation, the blonde joined him at the table.

  “I’m tired of surviving.”

  Vaughan shook his head. “No you’re not.”

  “Surviving’s cost me everything, Vaughan. I think I’d rather go down in flames.”

  “It hasn’t cost you Peren. Or… or me.”

  “Not yet.”

  “Not yet,” Vaughan agreed. “But trying to destroy yourself will.”

  Kaie spread his hands out on the table and stared at them. They were coated in dry brandy and months of grime. Mixed in there, somewhere, was the blood of a man who was his friend, once.

  “Someone should. If she won’t do it, it might as well be me.”

  Vaughan’s eyes grew wide. “You want… you want my sister to destroy you? That’s why you’re treating her so badly?”

  “It should be her,” Kaie sighed. It would never be her. They both knew it.

  “Why? Because she still loves you?”

  Kaie chuckled bitterly. “She doesn’t know me. I can’t be the man she loves. I don’t even remember how.”

  Vaughan reached out a hand. It hovered over his arm for a moment, a breath away from a comforting pat. The blonde pulled back. Kaie let out a slow breath of relief. He didn’t want the comfort or the contact.

  “I understand.”

  He looked up at Vaughan, ready to snap at the small man for his presumption. But when his eyes met the watery blue ones, the anger dissolved again. They were the same shape and size as Peren’s, but they were so different. He always thought of her as the wise one, but Kaie saw insight in him. A kind Peren was incapable of.