Let Me Save You

by Samantha Wolfe

  Somehow I dragged myself back downstairs to the couch, sobbing and retching across the living room floor on my hands and knees. I found the only bottle of vodka that I hadn't drunk or destroyed and latched onto it like it was a lifeline. I managed to get myself up onto the couch and twisted the bottle open. I started gulping the harsh fluid like water. The burn down my throat helped distract me from the wrenching pain in my chest and abdomen. I drank until the bottle was empty and curled into a fetal position, waiting for the world to turn black and silent again. It seemed to take forever. Finally, the last thing I heard was the thump of the glass bottle as it slipped from my fingers to the floor. Black nothingness came for me, and I slipped gratefully into its embrace.

  I came to again with such clarity of purpose that I felt calm. I sat up slowly. It was dark now, but I could just make out the swath of destruction I had left around the room. It seemed fitting that my home should resemble my life. If I could destroy one, it would be just as easy to destroy the other. I rose and walked across the room, the remnants of broken CDs and DVDs crunching under my shoes. I patted the pockets of my shorts, reassuring myself that my phone was still there. I moved down the hall, grabbing the Camaro's keys from their hook, putting them in my pocket, and descending the steps. I entered the garage, noting the pale moonlight that caressed the top of my car through the line of small windows across the garage door. I walked around the front of the car until I reached the driver's side, lovingly running my hand across the front fender, saying a silent good-bye to her.

  My hand wrapped around the cool metal of the door handle and pulled it open. I lowered myself into the soft leather with a sigh. I gripped the steering wheel gently, sliding my hands along the familiar ridges along its circumference. I let go of the wheel and pulled my phone from my pocket. I dialed Sydney's number and listened as it went to voice mail again, just like I knew it would. I closed my eyes and felt tears leaking out as I heard her saying she couldn't answer the phone right now, her voice bright and cheerful. After the tone, I finally spoke, my voice strangely calm and even.

  "Sydney...I'm sorry for all the pain that I caused you. I'm sorry for all the things I didn't share with you that I should have. I'm sorry I was never the man you deserved. When you look back at what we had, please know that I really did love you. I loved you with everything I had. Please, don't ever doubt that. This pain is a nightmare that I can't escape, and I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt you anymore. You deserve better, better than this fucked-up broken thing that I've become, and since I can't live without you, I'm going to do what I should have done months ago. I've destroyed everything I cared about, and I have nothing left but this emptiness inside me. I just can't do it anymore. I love you, Sydney. I always will. Good-bye, baby."

  I ended the call and dropped the phone from my fingers, letting it fall to the floor of the car with a soft thump. I pulled the key from my pocket and pushed it into the ignition. I turned the key, and the Camaro started with a familiar comforting rumble that made a small smile ghost across my lips. I leaned back into the seat with a sigh, closed my eyes, and waited for sweet utter oblivion to claim my broken soul.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Sydney

  I sat on one end of David's couch with my knees curled up under my chin, and a blanket wrapped around me for comfort more than actual warmth. David sat on the other end; one arm draped across the back, his legs crossed on the coffee table as he watched the movie that was on the television. I didn't know what the plot was anymore. I couldn't focus on it at all. The pain of loss and betrayal encompassed my mind, making me feel equal parts sad and angry. I'd been here for hours now, and thankfully David never complained or implied that I wasn't welcome. I couldn't go home. I didn't want to admit to Lauren that she had been right. So here I sat, wondering if David would mind if I never left this spot on his couch again.

  When I had first gotten to David's house, no one had been home. I had sat on the front steps of his porch and sobbed for what seemed like hours, my face buried in my hands, until a gentle hand had touched my head. I had looked up into David's worried eyes as he asked me what happened. He had been wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and they looked rumpled, just like his hair. I hadn't wanted to ask where he had been or who he had been with. I was pretty sure I knew anyway.

  He had walked me into his house, settled me on his couch, and held me while I cried and told him what happened. He had been the perfect friend, until he had walked out of his bathroom with my phone in hand, insisting that I talk to that asshole. That call made me feel worse, like a fucking fool for ever feeling anything for that man, for still feeling anything. After that, I had cried myself to sleep then woke up later in David's guest room bed feeling alone and bereft. I had shuffled out to the kitchen to find David cooking dinner. He had made me eat even though I wasn't even hungry. I had sat numbly at his dining room table, spooning chicken soup into my mouth and tasting nothing. Now I sat staring blankly at the TV and wondering what I was going to do when I had to go back to my life. I wondered when this deep hole inside me would go away. My heart felt like it had been ripped apart, the open wound still raw and bleeding. I didn't think I would ever be the same again.

  A sudden flash of light on the coffee table caught my eye. The screen of my phone lit up with an incoming call. It didn't ring because I had turned the ringer off after leaving Jensen's place. I could see Jensen's name on the screen and planned on ignoring it just like the others. David leaned forward and picked up my phone.

  "Don't you dare answer that," I snapped at him. He sighed and set the unanswered phone down on the end table next to him and looked over at me.

  "Sydney, this is ridiculous," he said with a shake of his head as he ran his hand through his short beard. "You need to talk to him again. I just can't believe that he would cheat on you. I've seen the way he looks at you."

  "I'm not ready to talk to him again," I grumbled, thinking I might not talk to him ever again. "So just fucking drop it, okay?"

  "Alright." He sighed as he sat up. "I'm going to get something to drink. Do you want anything?"

  "How about a bottle of whiskey?" I asked him snarkily.

  "How about I make you some tea," he suggested reasonably, ignoring my rude tone.

  "Fine," I huffed. I stared at the television again as David rose and left the room. I sat grumbling under my breath about shitty friends who wouldn't let you drink when you really needed too. I was still complaining to myself when David suddenly rushed back into the room.

  "Get your shoes, we have to go right now." David ripped the blanket off me and pulled me roughly to my feet.

  "What?" I pulled my arm away with irritation. "Where are we going?"

  "Where's Jensen's house?" he asked as he grabbed me again. I met his eyes and saw that his face was pale, and he was freaked out.

  "What's going on?" I asked with trepidation.

  "I'll tell you in the fucking car."

  Now I knew something was horribly wrong. I barely had enough time to slip my sandals on before David was dragging me out of his house and stuffing me into his new Audi.

  "Where?" he demanded as he started the car. I stammered out the address and David nodded. "I know where that is. Thank God it's close."

  "David!" I shouted, my voice rising in panic as he peeled away from the curb. "What the fuck is going on?!"

  "Listen to this." He shoved my phone into my hands.

  "You listened to voice mail?" I asked angrily.

  "Just fucking listen, damn it." He shot a hard glare at me that shut me up.

  I took the phone, and Jensen's voice came over the line. His voice was frighteningly calm and with each word, I felt the blood drain from my face, my body going numb.

  "Oh my God, David!" I blurted out. "Oh my fucking God!"

  "I know," David said as he focused on the road, the Audi racing down the street, his hands gripping the wheel with white knuckles. It was the scariest car ride of my life as David pushed th
e A6 hard, desperate to get to Jensen before it was too late. I held on to the door handle for dear life with each turn, hoping to God that we didn't wreck or get pulled over. Every second counted. Please, please let us get there in time. Tears streamed from my eyes.

  When the Audi finally skidded to a halt in Jensen's driveway, we both leaped out and rushed to the front door. David tried the knob, but it was locked. He pounded on the door, yelling Jensen's name. I glanced toward the closed garage door and realized with a shock that I could hear the Camaro running.

  "David!" I screamed, grabbing his shirt in my fists. "He's in the garage with the fucking car running!"

  "Damn it." David growled in frustration, then he glanced around and rushed to the nearby landscaping to pick up a large rock. "Stay here, call 911."

  "Okay," I agreed and started dialing on the phone still gripped in my hand. "First door on the left," I added so David would know where to go when he got inside. He nodded and smashed the rock into the window of the door. The phone began to ring while David took in a deep breath and held it as he rushed into the building.

  I paced across the driveway as I told the 911 operator what was going on and where we were. Suddenly, the garage door started opening, fumes of car exhaust pouring out into the night as it ascended. Abruptly, the car engine shut off. When the door had risen high enough, I could see David next to the open driver's side door, pulling Jensen out of the car. I stared helplessly as David dragged Jensen's limp body out of the garage, and to the far end of the driveway to get away from the carbon monoxide.

  I answered the 911 operator's questions mindlessly as I watched David lean over Jensen to see if he was breathing, his fingers on his neck looking for a pulse. Jensen looked pale and lifeless, and when David swore and started doing CPR, I knew that was because he was. My hand fell limply to my side, my phone slipping from my grasp and falling to the ground. I could just make out the sound of the operator still talking, but I didn't care. I fell down to my knees as I watched David doing compressions on Jensen's chest, alternating with rescue breaths as he tried to save his life. I was frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't even try to help as I knelt there feeling numb.

  "Come on, you motherfucker!" David shouted as he returned to another round of compressions. The violent motion of David's hands pushing down into Jensen's chest was disturbing to watch. I had seen CPR done in nursing school, but it was a whole other thing to see it done on someone you cared about.

  "Please, David, please," I pleaded, knowing the longer this took the less likely David would get him back.

  "I know, sweetheart. I won't stop," David assured me before blowing several more breaths into Jensen's mouth. Then just when I was starting to lose all hope, Jensen suddenly took in a shuddering, gasping breath. David smiled up at me with triumph in his blue eyes, and rolled Jensen into the recovery position on his left side, just as he vomited onto the cement.

  "Oh, thank God." I breathed out with bone-deep relief. I rushed over to Jensen and pulled his head into my lap. I leaned over him, touching his face with tenderness and gliding my fingers through his soft dark hair. "I'm here, baby. I'm here."

  "Sydney?" Jensen mumbled barely above a whisper, his eyes still closed and his body limp.

  "You're okay, baby," I reassured him; my tears splattering into his hair. "I'm here with you, and I'm not going anywhere. I love you." I leaned down and kissed his cheek softly. He didn't say anything else.

  I was relieved to look up and see an ambulance pulling up next to us. David met them as they climbed out, and started telling the paramedics what was going on as they rushed over. When they tried to push me aside I resisted angrily, refusing to budge.

  "Sydney," David said gently next to me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "You need to move. Let them do their job."

  "Okay," I mumbled weakly, all the strength in my body suddenly draining away. I got up and let David move me out of the way. We stood there with David's comforting arms around me and watched them put an oxygen mask on his face and start an IV, checking his vital signs as they worked. Then they were lifting him up onto the gurney and rolling it over to the back of the ambulance.

  "Go with him," David said as we followed the paramedics. "I'll meet you there."

  "David..." I said and looked up at him reluctantly.

  "You'll be okay," he told me with a reassuring smile. "I'll be there soon."

  I nodded and shuffled after the paramedics, who graciously helped me up into the ambulance and gave me a seat out of the way. I shared a look of profound gratefulness with David, that he acknowledged with a single nod as the doors of the ambulance closed. I turned my gaze back to Jensen as we pulled away from the curb. He looked so frail, and I was filled with the sudden knowledge that this was all my fault. I knew how fragile he was, knew how insecure he was with himself, yet I had only been focused on my own hurt feelings. I didn't think about what walking out would do to him. I didn't even care if he had slept with that woman anymore, and part of me was doubting if he really did. I should have stayed, instead of running away, should have listened to him when he called. Silent tears streamed down my cheeks again as profound guilt and shame washed over me.

  I was suddenly pulled out of my reverie when I noticed Jensen's eyes begin fluttering open and closed. The muscles of his jaw began contracting repeatedly, his head starting to nod up and down as his neck arched backward painfully.

  "He's having a seizure!" one of the paramedics suddenly shouted just as Jensen's feet began shaking violently at the foot of the gurney. I watched in horror as his arms flailed up into the air, harsh gasping noises coming out of his mouth, like he couldn't catch his breath. Convulsions wracked his body, and I sat there frozen in place as I watched helplessly, terrified that he was going to die right in front of me. It seemed to go on for an eternity as the paramedics spoke calmly to Jensen, waiting until his seizure finally eased up and subsided, his body once again limp and his head lolling to the side. I let out the breath I didn't even know I had been holding.

  "It's alright, honey." I felt a comforting arm around my shoulders and looked into the face of one of the paramedics, a middle-aged bald man with a kind face. "It was just a seizure. He'll be alright. We're almost to the hospital now." I nodded at him as he wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. I hadn't even realized that I was shivering from shock. I clutched the blanket around myself gratefully.

  "Thank you," I whispered to the man. He nodded and went back to work. I watched Jensen like a hawk all the way to the hospital after that, terrified that he'd have another seizure, but nothing else happened. When we arrived, the paramedics whisked Jensen out of the ambulance and into the emergency room leaving me standing alone in the hallway until a nurse came up to me.

  "Are you family?" she asked as she ushered me to a nearby waiting area and sat me down in a chair. She wasn't much older than me, with a blond bob and a soothing voice.

  "I...I'm his girlfriend," I answered, feeling very unworthy of the title as I said it.

  "Is there anyone I can call for you?" she asked. I realized I didn't have my phone.

  "I...lost...my phone," I sobbed out suddenly as all the fear and guilt overwhelmed me.

  "It's alright, honey." She rubbed my back with small reassuring circles.

  At that moment, I looked up to see David striding through the ER doors.

  "David!" I called out with relief. His eyes found mine, and he came over to us.

  "Hey, Jamie," he said to the nurse as she stood and looked up at him with raised brows.

  "This is my friend, Sydney," he explained. "I've got this from here. Can you find out what's going on with her boyfriend?"

  "Yeah, sure David." She nodded with understanding and walked out in the direction that they had taken Jensen away. Thank God for David.

  "I lost my phone, David," I babbled out hysterically as he sat and put his arm around my shoulders. "We...we need to call Andy, so he can let Jensen's family know."

  "Shh, sweetheart." He p
ulled out my phone and gave it to me. I sighed with relief. "I already called him. Don't worry, he's taking care of it." I nodded jerkily at him.

  "He...he had a seizure in the ambulance, David. Is he going to be alright?" I asked, my voice wavering.

  "I hope so, Syd," David answered as he met my eyes with a worried expression. He was never one to sugar coat anything. I appreciated his honesty and not giving me some placating answer to spare my feelings, even if I didn't always like it. I stared at him as my lower lip began to tremble. I looked down and saw that my hands were shaking uncontrollably. I clutched the edge of my shorts to try to stop it. I knew what this was, knew it was the adrenaline wearing off, but it was no less disconcerting. David put his hands on both sides of my face, and I met his sympathetic eyes. "It's okay to let go know, Syd. You're safe here with me. They're doing everything they can for Jensen right now. Just let it go. I've got you."

  A sudden sob burst out of me at his words, my shoulders hitching violently, then another and another. David pulled me into his arms, and I clutched his shirt, letting it all out. I sobbed and wailed hysterically. It was awful and painful and cathartic all at once. I cried over the pain Jensen had caused me, over the horrible guilt at running away and making him feel that he had no other choice but to end his own life. I wailed over the thought that I almost watched the man I love die today, and I wept with relief that he was still here, still alive. The tears fell because there was still a chance that I could make up for my bad choices and make this right.

  "David?" A familiar voice asked. David shifted me in his arms at the interruption.

  "Did you find anything out, Jamie?" David asked, and I lifted my head from his chest to see the blond nurse from earlier standing in front of the chairs we were sitting in.