The Remedy Files: Illusion

by Lauren Eckhardt

  Or maybe they decided not to pair her… maybe she will have a more specific role in Impetus. From listening to her talk throughout the years, I know that’s not what she’s planning or has been thinking her life will be. There has always been more prestige to being a part of a pairing. No one aims to be an Unpaired. They wouldn’t do that to Caroline, would they? She’s too beautiful to not be a part of creating the future for Impetus. As mean as I think she is, I still wouldn’t wish her to get a different future than what she has expected to have all these years.

  “Earth to Evangeline!” Jacqueline is snapping her fingers in front of my face. I return back to reality. “You have been going off into that mind of yours so much more lately! I would ask if it’s about the Futures Ceremony…” she makes an exaggerated pause clearly hoping that I will react with a nod. When I don’t, she continues, “… but don’t think about it. They’ve been watching us for years. They know what’s good for us. And you’re by far one of the smartest ones, and you’re pretty so there’s no way they won’t pair you.”

  Jacqueline and her unyielding faith in a good future. She doesn’t doubt, she doesn’t worry. She always know things will occur as they should. I can’t help but truly appreciate her confirmation that I’m pretty as well. I don’t always feel it- especially standing next to her. She’s so fun and beautiful that everyone notices her right away the moment she steps into a room. I, on the other hand, blend in with the shadows.

  “Thanks, Jacqueline.” I don’t want to talk about the future in that way. Not after my talk with Gavin. I change the direction a bit. “Did you make your plan for how you want to spend your last day?”

  “How strange is it that this is our last day of being roommates? 17 years. It’s always been you and me. We won’t ever step into the Level 17 house again or any of the houses other than…” She stops. As much as she wants to say “Paired” house, there’s no guarantee that the Unpaired won’t happen. For a moment as I watch her eyes flicker down. I wonder if despite all that she said earlier, if there’s a thought in her mind no matter how small that I may just end up in the Unpaired.

  Outside of recent interactions, I’ve never been one to go out of my way to talk to the boys in our class throughout the years. Other than Jacqueline, I haven’t really talked to many of the other girls either unless I have to. I’ve always stuck with my own thoughts, my books and Gavin which of course no one knows about. Or I talk to some of the older people throughout Impetus like Mr. Frank. I tend to like what they have to say more than the people my age. I’ve always been that way.

  For the first time in 17 years as these thoughts snowball on my recent revelations with Gavin, it hits me that maybe being that way has been detrimental to my future. Oh no… I’ve never thought of it like that before. I always just did what I gravitate to and not what I “have” to do.

  I think about everyone else in my class. They’ve played their cards right. It’s safe to say I’m probably the one they all know least about. Although our class is one of the rarities in the sense that it has an even number of girls and boys, there’s no guarantee that everyone will be paired. Unpaired people occur in every single ceremony- it’s what keeps Impetus functioning to replace positions that open as other members grow old and enter into the Clinic for their Respite years.

  I’ve always told myself that being an Unpaired would be okay. There are people throughout the Community like Mr. Frank that I like to talk to. However, I also know that Jacqueline and I would then forever be split and probably never talk again. The Paired and Unpaired are on completely different societal tracks. They don’t spend time together and typically don’t acknowledge one another unless absolutely forced to do so.

  The Community even keeps them separated in work jobs. The Unpaired fall into jobs that keep the Levels functioning- teachers, room maids, monitors, cafeteria workers, maintenance workers, and janitors. Sometimes they will have the Unpaired tending the Community lawns and plants like Mr. Frank. Those are rare jobs, highly sought after as an Unpaired due to the freedom of being outside verses inside a building the majority of the time. The Paired will have jobs as professionals either on the Board, as a nurse, trainers, assisting the Cooperatives with making clothes, furniture, growing food, or working as analysts producing Community reports. These are highly social jobs, emphasized as central to the development and functioning of Impetus. Certain unpaired people will be assigned as subs for all of these roles to provide assistance in specific circumstances such as in the month of September when all Pairings don’t work in order to reproduce for the Community. They get one month a year to be successful. Due to this, September is known to be a favorite month among the Unpaired. It’s the one time a year that the Unpaired essentially dominate the Community as the Pairs are confined to their Homes, working off strict schedules to reproduce.

  Being unpaired wouldn’t be awful and I will be the first to admit, it’s probably more fitting for my personality. But who wants that? Who says that’s what they want for their future? And Jacqueline. I can’t even fathom never speaking to her again. She’s right- I am smart enough and at least basically pretty. I have good genetics. That counts for something… right?

  “Well I definitely want to spend some time with you and head to the park. I hope you understand that I also want to make sure I’m spending some time with Ethan. I’m sure it’s too late for the Community Board to make any adjustments to what they’ve already decided, but I want to make sure it is set in stone.”

  “Not a problem at all. I completely understand.” It was perfect because then with Jacqueline being preoccupied with Ethan, I could sneak off and see Gavin. It should be easy today as the entire Community will be setting up for the Futures Ceremony tomorrow. I would think the gardens were tended to earlier this morning already so there would be no one blocking my way.

  Jacqueline gives me time to shower and get dressed and then we head to breakfast. Our last breakfast in the cafeteria. Well, again if we are paired, that is. The Paired get home cooked meals every night. However, the Unpaired still have a cafeteria like all the Levels do. I sigh. I have to stop thinking this way.

  There is a lot of laughter ringing out from the tables where Level 17 students are sitting. Levels 14-16 students are observing them carefully, analyzing how they act, realizing that this moment- this last day in any sort of Level housing or cafeteria- is a milestone. We spend our entire lives up to this point wondering what our future will be like. Wondering if the Community Board members are watching our moves, hoping they see ones that may drastically affect our future in a way that we want it to. It’s been a sort of game throughout our lives. Us thinking we know how we want our future to be, and then trying to control the little we can into getting exactly what we want by emphasizing certain acts.

  Except me. Oh why have I been so foolish to miss this? I’ve always been in my own head, analyzing everything and watching everyone else’s story unfold. I’ve missed out on mine and now someone else will be determining the rest of my story. The only thing I could have possibly had a chance to influence, I missed.

  Then again, I’m not sure how I would have even tried to influence my future. I keep repeating Gavin’s question in my head: “What do you want?” Even to this day, the day before my future is determined and I’m not sure what I would say even if the Community Board said, “Evangeline, we’re confused. You choose your future.” I’m not sold on the Paired side just as I’m not sold on the Unpaired side. I want to say Paired because that’s what’s more socially acceptable and if I had a microphone shoved in my face, I’d probably give in; but I’m not sure if I’m equipped for that.

  Then I think of Liam. If Liam was in my Level, I would say Paired. Hands down, I would want to be Paired. Even if there was a minimal chance that he would be my Pairing, I would still want it to have that hope. I want to see those goosebumps again.

  Those last thoughts came rolling out so fast that I could hardly process them. My choice was clear. Although on
ly in a situation that didn’t exist, one that wasn’t an option because Liam wasn’t in my Level and of course he was already a Paired. But I had made a decision even if only hypothetical. Of course when it comes to choosing a real future, I struggle. If only the other guys in my level were like Liam.

  I sit through breakfast, quieter than all the rest, barely listening to all of their conversations. Every now and then someone will turn to me, wanting confirmation on what they said or looking for someone else in their court to provide additional laughter to a comment they made. I would abide, my thoughts elsewhere, but obliging to whatever sort of noise they needed me to make. As soon as everyone was finished eating, the Level 17 group swarms to the door with decided plans to go to the Park and spend our last day together.

  We sit in a circle, nineteen of us together for the final day before being displayed as adults in front of the entire community tomorrow. There’s something somewhat sweet about this moment.

  Of course Adeline makes sure to say, “I am going to spend the rest of the day with Caroline so let’s pretend she’s sitting with us right now.” Then she tells Bryan to make some room as though Caroline is sitting in between them. He makes a face to the rest of the group that garners a few giggles but reluctantly obeys. Despite bringing up her ode to Caroline, there are a couple of times that Adeline and I make eye contact and smile at each other. That hasn’t happened in seventeen years. It definitely confirmed that Caroline wasn’t there despite Adeline’s attempt at pretending she was. There’s no way she’d be caught smiling at me otherwise.

  We all talked as a group, reminiscing on old memories throughout the years. Soon after, smaller conversations take place as people begin to couple or group up. Damian says he wants to get a football game going and Jacqueline immediately stands up to join as she’s usually always the first female interested to play any sort of sport.

  I let myself fall to the back, and after a few minutes, I make a mumbled comment about forgetting something at the Home. By this time, Jacqueline is already tossing a football back and forth with Ethan and Nathan and most everyone else is engrossed in other activities or conversations. No one looks up as I make my way to the Clinic and then take a quick detour around the back of the building, keeping close to the shadows that cast over me.

  In my walk, I realize that Gavin, for once in my life, has not been in the front of my mind. From all the activities that occurred over the past couple of days, I’ve been preoccupied. I think about our last conversation and how we left it. I suppose especially after me missing our meeting yesterday, there may be a chance that he’s not here today.

  As I sneak to the thickets and push through to the other side of the wall, I stop. I hear branches moving and footsteps cracking over limbs on the ground. It doesn’t sound too far away.

  I walk carefully behind the noise, making sure to keep my distance and dodging behind trees to prevent from being seen. Next thing I know, the noise stops. I can’t see anyone.

  I stay quiet behind a tree, not breathing, only carefully listening for any sort of movement at all. The leaves are humming ever so lightly but everything else is motionless.

  My peripheral vision catches the sight of a hand behind me reaching to grab my shoulder, fiercely turning me around before I can trigger my body to fight in response.

  CHAPTER 13

  Gavin.

  “I was just heading that way.” He says quietly. “Let’s go.” Gavin looks me up and down and then sets on the path. As he walks, he unzips his gray hoodie, revealing a black t-shirt underneath, and throws it to me. I realize I forgot the sweatshirt I typically wear to blend in with the forest. I must have left it at the Clinic yesterday. I take his eagerly and zip up.

  Gavin and I walk in silence through the woods to our usual spot. I lean over to pick up a flower with several rugged looking petals. As we continue walking, I slowly pick off each petal, marking a senseless trail. I notice Gavin taking several looks my way but he doesn’t say a word. Something must be wrong. He is so quiet and not like his usual self. I want to bring up the last time we talked and why I missed our meeting yesterday, but I keep choosing to not say anything. I want him to talk first.

  The woods become lighter as we reach the end of the trail and the clearing comes in sight. We walk through the opening to our special little spot that we have spent countless hours in over the past several years. I perch on the trunk of a tree that was struck by lightning five years ago. It was the first – and only - time in my life I had ever seen lightning.

  I found a book once in our Level 7 Archaeological Dig. When I found it, I slipped it under my shirt so that no one else would take it from me. They tend to screen the books that we’re allowed to have pretty heavily. If someone runs across one in the Dig, they immediately take it and then it has to go through intense scrutiny from the Community Board before deciding whether or not it’s acceptable. Even then if it is deemed up to standard, it usually ends up right in the Museum. I wasn’t going to let that happen to the book I found.

  That was the first item I ever stole from the Dig. I never regretted doing it either. Night after night, for a year straight, I would flip through the book. Holding a flashlight under the covers, I would examine every inch of each picture, fascinated by all the things that had existed in The Before. One picture showed a beautiful display of lighted streaks in a dark sky over a red rock formation that looked eerily similar to the Lightstones. It was labeled as “Fall Lightning Storm in Utah Canyon”. It was my favorite of all pictures in the book and the only way I was able to identify lightning three years later when we were disrupted in class by a loud clashing noise.

  Before we could react, the community sirens were blaring and the teacher was directing us to get in our single file lines to head down to the shelter. Since I was the last in the line, I poked my head out the window before the automatic blinds shut out my view and saw the same lighted streaks that were in the book except now live in our sky. It was the most amazing sight I had ever seen.

  Two hours later, we were released from the Shelter. After classes were completed for the day and we walked home, we noticed the yard crews were hard at work cleaning up debris that cluttered the streets. The authorities never communicated to us why we were marched to the shelter and since we are not allowed to ask questions, we had no way of finding out on our own.

  I never actually told Gavin what I witnessed, although he knows I found the book and have discovered truths unbeknown to my peers. Since I ask Gavin all the questions that are not allowed in Impetus, he must have known that I figured it out when we returned to our location three days after the storm since I never asked what happened to the tree. When I first sat down on the broken trunk, he had given me one of his half-mouthed smiles that always remind me how transparent I am to him.

  “How are you feeling?”Gavin finally speaks.

  I glare at him. I don’t want to play his game today.

  He sighs. “I mean, what are your thoughts about tomorrow?”

  Tomorrow. The Futures Ceremony. It’s basically here already. In less than 24 hours my future will be decided.

  I don’t want to talk about it. There are too many other things that I need to talk to him about and I’m not up for theorizing on the Ceremony any more than I have already. Instead, I try his tactic of changing the subject.

  “Gavin, do my eyes look different?” This morning as I was getting ready I looked at them again and I could have sworn they were even slightly lighter than the day before. The green looks more prominent.

  He doesn’t respond at first. I thought maybe he was going to ignore my question and go back to talking about the Futures Ceremony. But after a few minutes he quietly says, “Yeah, I noticed that right away today.”

  “You noticed? Why didn’t you say anything?”

  Gavin shrugs and picks at the bark on the tree closest to us. “I guess sometimes I let myself believe that if I don’t bring it up, you won’t notice.”

  “Yeah, well, I�
�ve definitely perceived that over the years.”

  “It’s the whole theory of what you don’t know can’t hurt you.” It was something we read together once in a book about old sayings of The Before. Of course, it sparked a huge debate between us as Gavin was agreeing with it and I was disagreeing especially now that feelings were out of the picture. I can’t believe he wants to bring it up again. “I know it doesn’t make sense to you, Evie, but it’s a really messed up way of me trying to protect you.”

  “What could you possibly be protecting me from? Other than my times out here with you, Impetus keeps me safe. They protect me. I’m fine, Gavin.”

  Gavin opens his mouth but then closes it again. He does that a lot with me when he can predict the way the conversation is going to go and then tries to steer it elsewhere. He’s looking down on the ground, tracing a tree root that’s poking out of the ground with his foot.

  It’s strange how different he can look in these moments. Most of the time he’s in control of absolutely everything; but other times, he looks smaller, less secure. It’s almost as if I have the ability to do that to him. I’ve noticed that my words can affect his looks drastically. It’s so strange.

  “Do you have any idea who they could pair you with?” He’s back to wanting to talk about the Futures Ceremony.

  I sigh. I didn’t want to talk about it but none of our other conversations have seemed to go well lately. I still need to talk to him about the strange man and Doctor Bordine’s conversation that I overheard. But with Gavin looking so defeated right now, I decide to abide by the direction he wants to take the conversation in.

  The question of who they could pair me with is something I had thought about each time we would watch previous Levels get paired. Supposedly, the Committee makes their pairings decisions by the time we turn 14. No one really believes that and always wonders if they ever make any changes after that point. Although now it’s been confirmed with Doctor Bordine’s call that I had eavesdropped on. They definitely still make changes long after.