Why Now?

by Carey Heywood

  He’s taking me to the beach. Jake Whitmore is taking me, Kacey Albright, to the beach. This won’t be the first time he’s taken me, but before Reilly and other people were always there. He would never have taken me alone.

  It didn’t matter back then that other people were around. He was the only thing I could focus on. Reilly would try to get me to walk up and down the beach with her in the hopes of catching the eye of some guy.

  Grudgingly, I’d go but my attention was never in the direction she pointed or whispered. No, it was always only Jake for me.

  He liked to surf and I could spend hours watching him do it.

  “When was the last time you surfed?” I ask, wondering if I’d get a chance to watch him again.

  “It’s been years,” he replies.

  “How come?” I ask.

  “It wasn’t an intentional thing to stop. There were more important things that took up my time.”

  “When I was younger, watching you surf was one of my favorite things,” I admit.

  “I remember that.”

  “Did my crush ever annoy you?”

  “It never annoyed me until you were old enough to be a temptation I couldn’t risk giving in to. That was annoying.”

  “How so?” I press.

  “You still liked me and I could no longer ignore the fact that I was attracted to you. Still, I knew it would have been wrong to start anything. I had to watch other guys try to get your attention, which sucked, knowing that you wanted me but I couldn’t have you. There were nights it felt like torture.”

  “Would it have truly been such a bad thing for me to have known you liked me back?”

  He doesn’t answer me while he parks. He still doesn’t say one word as he kills the engine and gets out of the Jeep.

  Did he hear my question?

  He starts heading toward the back. Figuring I might as well help, I get out as well. A squeak escapes me as he grabs me. My door is closed and I’m lifted up till my back is pressed to it as Jake stands between my legs. His mouth is on mine, his long strong fingers on my ass holding me up while the rest of his hard body presses against me.

  I’m lost in the kiss. That raging inferno that only he controls. My arms are wrapped around his neck as my tongue tangles with his.

  There is nothing else. There is only him.

  And then he pulls his mouth from mine. We’re both out of breath. As one, our chests heave as we struggle to allow air the right to move back into our bodies.

  There isn’t a cloud in the sky. Nothing can dull the green of his eyes or the lust so clearly in them. As the world after his kiss begins to reemerge around me, my senses are bombarded. The heat of his hands scorches me through the thin fabric of my dress.

  There’s tension in each of his fingers as they clutch me. It’s as if even his knuckles can’t hide their desire. The rhythmic crash of the waves becomes louder than the pounding of my heart and our labored breaths. The scent of his skin dulled by the salt of the sea.

  “If you knew we would’ve been like this back then but you couldn’t have held onto it, that would have been worse than not knowing. At least when you don’t know, you can convince yourself that there isn’t something there. I don’t know how many guys you’ve kissed, but I can tell you that if you would have kissed me like that before I had to go away for months on that rig I would have gone crazy.”

  He was so right.

  If I had known back then what Jake’s touch and kiss could do to me, I wouldn’t have been able to function with the power of how much I would have missed him when he was gone.

  Tucking my face into his neck I breathe him in. “That would have been awful.”

  Stepping away from Reilly’s car, his hands slide up to circle my back letting my legs drop to the ground as he holds me tight.

  “It never would have worked back then. It’s different now.” He lifts his head and dips it to look into my eyes. “We can be together now.”

  His hand lifts up to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing back and forth across my skin. Jake, larger than life Jake, holding me in his arms and offering me everything I’ve always wanted. It should be so simple to just say yes, to throw myself at him, and trust that he’ll never go away again.

  What’s stopping me isn’t my promise to Heath. As much as I would hate to hurt him, Jake was right when he said we didn’t love each other. The thing that’s holding me back is the fear that I can’t trust Jake.

  No matter what explanation he offers, a part of me doesn’t believe his feelings when years went by where there was no hint of them.

  How could he care about me and be attracted to me the way he says he was if he never acted like it. His polite rejection lives inside of me. It’s fed by all of my insecurities. It does not trust him.

  Jake leans in closer and kisses my cheek. “If I don’t stop touching you, I’m going to make an ass out of myself.”

  His words serving as explanation, he lets me go and takes a step away from me.

  Reilly packed a purple bikini I bought on a whim and haven’t been brave enough to wear in public. She will need to sleep with one eye open for not packing something I’d be more comfortable in, like my tankini. At least she packed my sarong, which I knot tightly around myself before I let Jake see me.

  My eyes widen when I see him. “That’s some suit.”

  His trunks are a loud multicolored tropical print. Sad thing is, he is still the sexiest man I’ve ever seen up close, even in ridiculous swim trunks. His eyes are on me as I approach him. With my sunglasses on, I hope he can’t tell the way my eyes move over his body.

  Is there a weight room on the rig? There’s no way I’ll ask, but the physical perfection of his body seems to be answer enough. He’s big without being huge. There’s a leanness to his bulk that is quite simply mouthwatering.

  If that wasn’t enough, his tattoos only enhance his rugged beauty. He has one full sleeve that flows up his left arm from his wrist to curl up and around his shoulder. I don’t know why it never hit me before what he wore inked across his skin.

  There was a beach, maybe this beach, which merged into a canyon ending with a mountain.

  It was home, all of the things that surround Ferncliff. All of the things that made Reilly and I know we were going to move back home once we both finished school in San Diego. It was Aliso Beach, Trabuco Canyon, and Big Bear Mountain. It was home. And it was home in a way that no matter where he was he always took it with him. My fingers itched to discover the places that were so familiar to me on his skin.

  Taking my hand, we walk together and find a nice spot on the beach to spread out the blanket he brought.

  “Hungry?” He asks.

  My nerves have been playing such havoc on my belly; I had not realized I was.

  At my nod, he produces a takeout bag from Lola’s. “I hope sandwiches and chips are cool.”

  Once I have my food, he moves to sit closer to me. So close that my body reacts of its own accord to lean against him. There were people walking up and down the beach close enough for their feet to stay cool in the wet sand. To our right and a ways down, a mixed group of boys and girls played beach volleyball.

  They didn’t seem to be very good, their shouts for one person or another to go fetch the ball carrying down to where we sat. Plenty of other groups of couples, friends, or families sat around us.

  My gaze stays on the waves. There are four or five surfers gently bobbing up and down past the break. Every so often, one or two of them break off from the group to catch a wave. With Jake’s heat at my side, I eat and watch while the sun warms my skin.

  After we eat, he slips his arm around me and I melt against him.

  “Want to swim?”

  It would be sacrilege to come all this way and not get wet. Like in the ocean wet, because otherwise I already was for a different reason.

  “Sure.”

  He stands first and helps me up. Looking anywhere but at him, I untie my sarong.

  His sha
rp inhale is audible but I still look away.

  “You’re not playing fair, Killer,” he groans.

  That makes me look up at his face. It takes a while for his eyes to stop traveling over my body to finally meet mine.

  “You’re giving Heath back that ring.”

  That was so unexpected I gasp, “What?”

  He reaches out, pulling me by the back of my neck toward him. My hands fly up, and press flat against his chest to brace myself. They’re squeezed between us, his other arm wrapping like a steel band around my waist. Tucking his chin, his eyes locked on mine, he rocks my world. “We’re going to happen, Kacey and when I’m inside you, it’s not going to be with another man’s ring on your finger.”

  My lips part, annoyance pools within me at his presumption and my own reaction to his words.

  He should not have this power over me. It isn’t fair. His touch, his words, even his heated looks are all weapons I’m powerless against and it’s driving me insane.

  I want him, and I hate him for making me want him. After all of the years I threw myself at him to be rejected over and over again, it’s humiliating that he can crook his finger and I am his to command.

  “You did not just say that,” I whisper.

  Done with talking, his mouth covers mine and again I’m lifted, my legs separated and hitched over his hips, his hands behind my knees.

  We’re moving, but again, everything else seems unimportant now. My hands slide up, one wrapping around his shoulder, the other snaking up the back of his neck, my fingers threading in his soft hair.

  The angle of our kiss is different with him holding me. My face is over his. All of the control over our kiss is mine. With a lift or a dip of my face, I can soften or deepen the intensity.

  Like an addict with no self-preservation, I overdose on him. He nips and growls against my lips, only kicking up my high. A wave hits the backs of my legs and he swallows my gasp.

  Even as the Pacific surrounds us up to our chests, we do not stop kissing. To stop is to drown, and each press of his lips to mine breathes life into me.

  I’ve always been Jake’s, even when I tried to convince myself otherwise. Everything about admitting this terrifies me. My head craves security while my heart wants to ignite. Will trusting Jake with my love leave me burned?

  There’d be no recovering from a heartbreak like that. Jake’s kiss by Reilly’s car taught me that. Like he said, now that I know what it could be like between us, nothing but Jake would ever suffice.

  The water wasn’t cold but still did nothing to cool the fire within. Since Jake has been back, he has kissed me three times. His first kiss was a question. He wanted to know if I was his mystery girl, the one he had kissed all those years ago.

  His second kiss was a hint. It was meant to give me a taste of him but leave me wanting more. It was also a reminder of what would be gone if I didn’t choose him.

  This kiss, his third kiss was claiming. As scary as it is to risk my heart to Jake again, this kiss showed me that he knew I would. That, and the fact that I had not broken it but had taken what he gave and returned with all I had, was my acceptance of his claim.

  This could end me. Loving Jake Whitmore could leave me like my dad after my mom died, a shell of a person. That’s because deep down every part of me knows that he was what was missing inside me.

  I was accepting what the eight-year-old me knew but was not weary enough to fear yet, I loved him. That I still love him. That there won’t be a day for as long as I live that I won’t love him.

  Marrying Heath would have been locking that love away. Putting it in a box and guarding it so no one would ever have the power to hurt me. It would have been playing dress up with a grown up life.

  It would not be fair to either Heath or me to do that. Sure, our hearts would have been safe but they would have been caged and not free to love with all they could.

  The most shocking thing about this third kiss was that the ground did not shake from the magnitude of it. Somehow, the earth continued to orbit the sun, the waves around us continued to lap at the shore, and the volleyball in play still fell with gravity’s pull. All of those things still happened even though everything had changed.

  It was a kiss so beautiful that as wetness began to slide down my cheeks, I knew it was not spray from the surf that caused it. So I’m not surprised when our lips part to see Jake’s eyes are wet as well.

  What this kiss meant for me meant the same for him as well. Tomorrow would be filled with a hundred questions, but today was exactly as it should be.

  Moving my hand from his hair, I cup his jaw and stare down at him. This feels real but also like a dream I’m terrified to wake from. To have loved him for so long it seems impossible for me to be in his arms right now.

  “Your lips should come with a warning,” he murmurs.

  “It wasn’t me, I was only following your lead,” I whisper in response.

  His lips curl up and little lines crease the outside corners of his eyes.

  Brushing my thumb across some of them I say, “I’m touching you.”

  His smile widens, flashing me his pearly white teeth. “You can touch me however and whenever you want.”

  Those words make me shiver despite the heat coming off him. I like that, oh, boy, do I like that.

  His smile remains firmly in place at my reaction.

  This is insane,” I blurt.

  He shakes his head, “No, it’s not.”

  Moving us closer to the shore, he lowers me to my feet and asks, “Want to hang out back on the blanket or walk up a ways?”

  “Let’s walk.”

  With my hand in his, we do just that. As we walked, we talked about everything and nothing all at the same time. It was comfortable, it was second nature, and it was so easy I hadn’t even noticed my nerves were gone.

  When we got back to the blanket, I asked for his help reapplying sunscreen. When I changed into my suit, I did the best I could but since we’ve been in the water it was time to reapply. With my fair skin and red toned hair, I also inherited the ability to burn instead of tan.

  Jake readily accepts my bottle of sunscreen and I get comfortable, stretching out on my stomach with my eyes on the water.

  His strong fingers are heaven against my skin as they massage the lotion in. Equal parts of me mentally curse and thank Reilly for packing this suit when he starts rubbing lotion on my lower back and the top backside of my legs.

  His fingertips are feather light as they skim the seams of my bikini bottoms. His fingers so close to my core, my sex pulses in anticipation.

  When his hands move further down my legs I ache from the distance. What do I expect him to do, pleasure me on a crowded beach?

  Get yourself together I tell myself.

  Though, even though there are people all around us, I wouldn’t have stopped him.

  “When are you talking to Heath?” He asks, jolting me from my dirty thoughts.

  “Talking to Heath?” I ask, confused since his question came out of nowhere.

  “Yeah, so you can give him back that ring.”

  Oh, that.

  My nerves return as I imagine Heath telling his mom I called off the wedding and how much that will upset her. There has to be a way I can let him down gently without hurting him or upsetting Mrs. Mackey.

  “I’m not sure,” I reply and his hands disappear.

  “Are you changing your mind?” There’s a note of panic in his tone.

  Pushing up, I turn around to face him and set my hands on his knees. “No, not that. I just hate that I’m letting him down.”

  His face softens and he covers my hands with his. “He isn’t going to like it but he’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.”

  “Promise?” I ask.

  “He doesn’t have much choice.”

  Heath is a good guy, there’s a reason I’m still friends with him. I hope that after a while, once things have settled down with Kacey and me, he and I can still be friends.


  I don’t want her taking forever to give him the ring back and tell him the wedding is off just because she feels guilty over changing her mind. Hell, they were both shit faced when they came up with this genius idea in the first place. If Heath still has his heart set on getting married before his mom passes away, I’ll even help him do it as long as it’s any girl besides Kacey.

  If I weren’t a little afraid of her, I’d tell him to ask Reilly. Unfortunately, she’d probably chew him up and spit him out. He needs a nice girl like Kacey. Too bad she’s permanently off the market.

  “Do we have to go back?” She sighs, looking over her shoulder at the crashing waves.

  “I’ll bring you back here anytime you want,” I reply.

  A dreamy smile spreads over her lips as she gives the beach one last lingering glance, then she looks up at me and says, “As long as we come back this day every year. It will be our anniversary.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I murmur dropping all of our crap on the ground behind the Jeep before leading her to her door.

  After I load up, we hit the road back to Ferncliff. While we were at the beach, Kacey left her purse under her seat, her phone in it. As I drive, she checks her notifications.

  The way she didn’t even worry about her phone the whole time we were together says a lot. She was present, not distracted by anything other than our time together.

  “I want to be there when you tell him,” I say once we’re on the road.

  She shakes her head. “No, he’s a good friend. I need to do this on my own. Besides, I don’t want you guys arguing over me.”

  “I don’t want him trying to guilt you into changing your mind,” I argue.

  She reaches out and rests her hand on my thigh. On our way here, I was happy that she angled her body toward me, now she’s already comfortable enough to touch me.

  “Jake, you know even if he tries to, you can trust me.”

  Covering her hand with mine, I reply, “I do trust you. It’s him I don’t.”

  She laughs and covers her mouth as if it surprised her. “But he’s your friend too.”