Best of Intentions

by Michelle Cary

  Devin sat up and held out his hand. “Since I can’t see, I’m going to need your help to do this. Let me have your hand.”

  ****

  Tess dropped into the chair behind the nurse’s station and struggled to keep her eyes open. Even the extra large double shot coffee she’d picked up from Java Lava on her way in wasn’t providing enough caffeine to keep her going. Hopefully, Devin would be healed soon or she might have to resort to desperate measures and allow him into her bed.

  Tori dropped her purse on the desk. “What happened to you?”

  “Nothing, why?”

  “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

  “I haven’t.”

  Tori sank into the empty seat next to her, an expression of concern on her face. “You’re still not sleeping?”

  Tess shook her head. “I can’t shake these nightmares.”

  “Have you seen a professional about them?”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Because it’s not normal for people to have nightmares for two weeks straight, Tess.” Tori’s gaze shifted to her neck. She lifted a hand toward Tess and pointed. “How long have you been wearing that necklace?”

  Tess placed a hand to the fire onyx stone. It pulsed beneath her touch, filling her palm with added warmth. “A little over a week. Why?”

  “Where did you get it?”

  “Devin gave it to me years ago. I found it one night tucked away with some old mementos when I was looking for candles to light during my bath. What does my necklace have to do with anything?”

  “Did you happen to notice your nightmares started around the same time Devin reappeared in your life?”

  The hairs on Tess’s neck stood on end at Tori’s statement. Her friend was a little too perceptive for her own good. “What are you saying, Tori, that my nightmares are Devin’s doing?” Actually, that was exactly what was happening, but she couldn’t let Tori know. After all, it wasn’t as if Devin had intentionally inflicted her with these horrid dreams.

  Tori dropped her hand on Tess’s leg. “Look, I know he was your sweetheart and all, but did you happen to notice the tattoo he has on his right shoulder?”

  Curious to know where Tori was going with the conversation, Tess arched a brow and her face twisted into a confused smile. “Of course. It’s an Irish trinity knot. He’s had it for years.”

  “It’s a pagan symbol for witch craft, Tess. It represents the maiden, witch and crone.”

  Tess’s pulse increased. Leave it to Tori and her God fearing ways to figure out Devin’s heritage. No matter how close Tori was to the truth, Tess had to protect his secret.

  “It’s also used in Christian religions to symbolize the father, son and holy ghost.”

  “Then why is his encompassed by a braided serpent circle?”

  Tess tilted her head back and drew in a deep breath. She could get through this debate without revealing anything if she stayed calm. “I assume you’re referring to the mandala. He’s Irish, Tori, and his roots go back to the ancient Celt’s. The mandala, the knot, the whole package is part of his heritage and despite what you think there’s nothing nefarious about it.”

  “You’re wrong Tess. It’s the same detail as your necklace. Which by the way, the fire onyx is a popular stone used in the practice of witchcraft.”

  The bad thing about Tori was when she sunk her teeth into a subject, she didn’t let go and witchcraft was one of her favorite topics to berate. “I think all this going to church has finally gone to your head. Witches aren’t real. Devin gave me this necklace as a sweetheart gift when we were teenagers, that’s all and I resent all these accusations you’re throwing at him.” Her voice was loud and she punctuated the end of her sentence by smacking her hand against the desk. As long as Devin wanted to keep his practice of the craft a secret, she’d damn well do her best to honor his wish.

  Tori’s eyes grew wide and she grabbed Tess by the arm. “Please don’t be mad, Tess. I’m simply trying to look out for you. You said yourself he hurt you once.”

  “That’s my business, Tori. Not yours, Eric’s or anybody else’s. If I get hurt again then I have no one to blame but myself.”

  Tori’s gaze fell to the desk and she rubbed at an ink spot on the laminated top. “Speaking of which, rumor has it that he signed himself out yesterday. Did you let him go to your house?”

  “As a matter of fact, I did and you can’t tell anyone, Tori. Not a soul.”

  Tori’s mouth opened and for a moment, she looked like a fish out of water. “Are you out of your mind? Not only is it a sin to have relations outside of wedlock, but you could be putting yourself in danger.”

  A patient’s call buzzer sounded and Tess stood up, intent on ending this conversation before she said something she’d regret. “For your information I never said I was sleeping with him and even if I wanted to he’s still injured.” She stomped away from the desk, stopped and whirled about to face Tori. “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want to be preached at over my relationship with Devin, so let it go, okay.”

  Chapter Eight

  By his third day at Tess’s house, Devin was sure he’d gone insane with boredom. Without his sight, he couldn’t read, couldn’t watch television or even play those stupid word search puzzles. And listening to the radio only gave him the urge to play guitar. With his hand still recovering from surgery and no instrument to play, his nervous energy began to build.

  Thankfully, his foot had healed sufficiently enough to allow him to walk, and his ribs were also better. He spent a good portion of time learning the layout of her house. Two things were for sure though, he’d be glad when his sight returned, and he desperately needed to find himself a guitar.

  He was half way down the hall on his way to the kitchen to get a drink when the sound of the door opening stopped him. “Why are you up and moving around? You’re supposed to be resting.”

  The concern in Tess’s voice touched him. Despite keeping her emotional distance over the last few days, she couldn’t hide the concern in her voice or the confusing mix of emotions brewing inside her.

  “I was going to the kitchen to get a drink.” Still limping slightly, he eased forward.

  “But you’re going to end up hurting yourself.”

  She rushed forward. The sound of her clothes rustling grew louder and he held out a hand to stop her from wrangling him back to bed. “Honey, your house isn’t too hard to navigate. What do you think I’ve been doing with myself for the last few days?”

  She stopped. “Yes, but-”

  He shook his head. “No buts, Tessa. We’re not sure how long my blindness is going to last, and I don’t want to end up being any more of a burden on you than I already am. The sooner I can learn to do things for myself the better.”

  “Well…I suppose.”

  The uncertainty in her voice was clear, and he wondered if she still did that cute thing of chewing on her lip when she was thinking about something.

  “I’d like for you to have a cane though. It will make things easier for you.”

  Had his ears deceived him or did he hear her concede? Not wanting to push his luck and argue the point, he made his own concession. “I can do a cane, but can I ask you for another favor?”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m itching to play guitar, and I have nothing here. Is that little mom and pop shop still open over on Sumner’s Pike?”

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Can you call there and arrange a way for me to come over and pick out a new electric and acoustic?”

  “What about your hand?”

  A bandage still covered a good portion of his hand, protecting the incision site while it continued to heal, but his fingers remained exposed, allowing him to flex them. His joints were stiff. It wouldn’t be easy to deal with his new disability, but he’d be damned if he was going to give up playing guitar. “The doctor recommended physical therapy. I can’t think of a better way than to fret my guitar.”


  “What about running the risk of somebody seeing you? The last thing either of us needs is the press parked on my front lawn.”

  She had a point, but they’d managed to avoid the photographers when he left the hospital. Granted, nobody had expected him to leave so soon and he’d had help from a decoy just in case, but if done correctly he knew he could pull off a trip to a guitar shop. It wasn’t as if he wanted to go to one of the big chain stores. The Music Shop was a small family owned business. “That’s why I want you to call and see if they’ll open the shop up to me for an hour or so.”

  “I’ll call, but I don’t know if they’ll do that.”

  “Tell them they’re guaranteed at least two purchases.”

  An hour later, Devin found himself being ushered through the back door of the business into an empty store. “Mr. McFadden, we’re honored to have you in our store. I’m Frank Goodwin. He cupped Devin’s good hand in his and shook it. “We’ve set up a seat in one of the lesson rooms. It’s away from the front windows, and will provide you with the privacy you’re looking for.”

  "Thank you, Mr. Goodwin. I appreciate you opening the store to me.”

  “Oh, it’s not a problem at all, Mr. McFadden. We’re happy to see you’re not as badly hurt as everyone was saying. I can assure you, we’ll tell no one you were here. Now, my young assistant, Jason Southerland, will be happy to help you with anything you need.”

  Two electric guitars, one acoustic, three stands and a practice amp later and Devin found himself back at Tess’s house sitting on the couch silently cursing his fingers for not properly bending to the frets.

  The doctor had made no qualms about the seriousness of the injury to his hand. Devin had hoped he was wrong, but with the evidence now clearly in front of him, he knew he was in for one hell of a battle. Ignoring the pain, he forced his fingers to bend. It was obvious he’d never have the mobility he once had, but even if he could play a little, at least that was something.

  ****

  Every night, Tess twisted and squirmed in bed, having dreams of all-consuming fire and strange beings, alternating with the visions she’d been seeing for nearly three weeks. One image blurred into another and another until she couldn’t tell one from the other.

  Her eyes flew open, and she gasped for breath as she sat straight up in bed. Damn it to hell! At this rate, she’d go insane simply from lack of sleep. Sighing heavily, she threw the covers off and climbed from bed. She didn’t know what, if anything, she had in the kitchen that would help her sleep, but damn if she wasn’t going to go look. In her line of work, lack of sleep could result in a deadly mistake. Too many more nights like this and she’d have to ask for a leave of absence, or risk killing somebody by accident. Neither option was something her conscious or bank account could handle.

  That wasn’t to say she was poor. She and her two sisters had received a substantial settlement in the wrongful death suit against the drunk driver who’d killed their parents two years earlier. But most of the money was now invested, and it wouldn’t be easy to turn it back into cash.

  Stopping at the doorway to her room, she glanced down the hall at the closed guestroom door and wondered if Devin even knew her parents were dead? She hadn’t told him, and he hadn’t asked. Maybe he did somehow know and was afraid of mentioning it for fear of upsetting her? Maybe she needed to stop over analyzing things.

  She rounded the corner and went down the stairs; images of him now lodged in her head instead of the dreams from moments ago. It should have shocked her to see him heal so quickly after the spell he cast last week, but it didn’t. It was almost as if magic was a normal part of her everyday life. Strangely enough, her life seemed more normal now than it had in years. Ironic, considering how much turmoil her mind was in.

  After several minutes of rooting through the pantry, Tess finally settled on a glass of milk. Not her first choice, but she was already beyond the point of exhaustion and didn’t want to risk any side effects an alcoholic drink or sleeping aids could cause.

  She sat at the table, staring into space as she toyed with the rim of her glass. Years of mistakes and the regret that came with them, she’d kept so carefully locked away, now slowly filtered through her mind. A decade of trying to do what she perceived as the right thing was starting to take its toll. When had her life become about making other people happy at the sacrifice of her own joy?

  Despite her own heartbreak, deep down she knew letting Devin go to pursue his dream without causing a scene had been the right decision. If he’d stayed simply because she wanted him to, she would have run the risk of him resenting her. At least this way, though separated, their love had remained intact.

  Eric was an entirely different matter. From the moment Devin had climbed into the beat up econo-line van to head out of town, Eric had been there to pick up the slack. A fixture in her life, even through college, Eric’s love never wavered. When he proposed, she’d pondered long and hard over her decision only to end up feeling too guilty about their relationship to say no. And while he’d been an attentive husband and a good lover, she could never find it in her heart to return his affection in the same manner. Maybe it had been her love for Devin that kept her from giving her marriage a chance. Whatever the reason, next month she would turn thirty as a divorced, childless and broken-hearted woman.

  If only she’d been able to carry Devin’s child to term, everything in her life would have been different. Devin might not have been able to be the father she would have wanted for her child, but he would have done his best. Without that connection, there wasn’t any reason for him to look back.

  With her elbows resting on the table, she pushed her palms against her burning eyes in an attempt to staunch her building tears. It was a futile effort and within minutes, they broke loose, flooding over to stream down her cheeks. A small sob escaped and her body began to shake. Why was it these thoughts always popped up when she was tired and completely unable to deal with them? All she wanted was a dreamless night’s sleep, and what she'd gotten instead was the emotional upheaval that came from years of bad decisions.

  “Tessa?”

  She jerked around to see Devin standing in the doorway, his hand holding onto the frame. Quickly, she wiped the tears from her face, pushed away from the table and rushed toward him. “How did you get down here?”

  He smiled. “After a few days of fumbling along, I’m learning my way around the house.”

  She glanced up the staircase and back to him. “But you had to navigate the stairs to get down here. What if you’d missed a step and fallen?”

  “Honey, I didn’t. So please stop worrying, okay?”

  She couldn’t stop her concern any more than she could stop her love for him. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, he was the thing in her life that mattered. She ignored his statement and wrapped an arm around his waist, guiding him back toward the stairs. “Here, let me help you back to bed.”

  “I’m healed, Tessa. You can stop treating me like I’m an invalid now.” When she only continued toward the steps, he pushed against her. “Tessa, stop!” His voice was loud and caused her to jump.

  She jerked away from him, biting back the tears threatening to roll again. He reached out, making contact with her hair before brushing a hand along her cheek. His fingers paused over the dampness of her cheeks and his expression softened. “I can feel how sad you are, baby. Please talk to me.”

  She choked back a sob. “There’s nothing you can do.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because it’s all in the past.” She sniffled and shook her head, trying to keep her tears at bay. The time had come for her to tell him, to confess the secret she shared only with Eric. “I have so many regrets, Devin, and the biggest one of all was not telling you about the baby.”

  His expression didn’t change. He seemed to be looking directly at her even though she knew he couldn’t actually see her. For whatever reason, his eyesight hadn’t returned when the rest of
his injuries had healed. “I already know, honey. I also know about the miscarriage.”

  “How?” She shook her head. “Never mind, I know how.”

  Devin tugged her to him. Too tired to fight him and desperate for comfort, she went willingly and sank into his shoulder. He wrapped his other arm around her as he leaned back against the wall while she cried against him.

  “I have to tell you, baby. Those first few months away from you tore me up inside. I was constantly using our connection to check up on you. When I first found out you were pregnant, I was going to ditch the band come back, but after you had the miscarriage, and I discovered Eric was taking care of you, I figured it would probably be best to stay away. You didn’t need me coming back to screw your life up again when you were starting to put it back together.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything in your letters about it?”

  He stroked a hand along her hair. “For the same reason you never told me. At the time it seemed better to let the subject drop than to bring it up and cause you more pain.”

  Long buried emotions gripped her chest, filling her heart with anguish and squeezing at her lungs. “I wanted the baby more than anything in the world,” she cried.

  “I know you did, honey, but it wasn’t the right time.”

  She sighed and closed her eyes, drinking the warmth and comfort he offered. At the rate she was going, it would never be the right time. “I know, but it was part of you, something I could keep to represent the love we shared.” Unshed tears filled her eyes again. “I’ll be thirty years old, Devin, and at the rate I’m going I’ll never find anyone to settle down with, which means I’ll never be a mom.”

  “And I told you, sweetheart, I’m not leaving this time. If your dream is babies and a white picket fence, then I’m your man.”

  She wanted nothing more than to take him at his word and believe what he said, but self-preservation stood in the way. If she let him in, he would hurt her. He wouldn’t mean to, but he would hurt her all the same. Still, even if he only gave her one baby before he returned to the rock-n-roll life it might be enough. “You’d really do that?” she asked. Life as a single mother wouldn’t be easy, but she was willing to take the chance if it meant always having a piece of him and having someone who would love her unconditionally.