by J. G. Sumner
Chapter Twelve
Kate
When I walked in on Tony hovering over Abby, I was terrified. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew it wasn’t good. For a brief moment, I was worried Tony might be trying to hurt her. Even though Abby wasn’t breathing, I was so relieved to find he was just trying to save her.
On the way to the hospital, the medics work to help Abby breathe. Her little body is lifeless, and there’s nothing I can do to help her. It’s every mom’s worst nightmare. I’m left wondering why all these bad things keep happening to me. Why can’t I just have some sense of normalcy? For once, I just want something to go how it’s supposed to.
Maybe this is how things are supposed to be. Perhaps I’m supposed to struggle. I had such a fairytale childhood where nothing went horribly wrong. Now must be my time to learn to fight for something—to learn what it’s like to have to work hard for what you want. They always say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I just hope He knows what He’s doing here.
We pull up to the entrance of the emergency department. The driver helps me out of the ambulance then goes to assist with Abby’s gurney. I stand there frozen, unable to do anything but watch. What kind of mother am I? I don’t know what to do in this situation. How on Earth am I going to raise one baby, let alone two?
“Ma’am. Excuse me, ma’am?”
I’m pulled from my trance to find one of the medics staring at me.
“Please follow me. You can’t stand out here, it’s not safe.” The medic turns and walks through the sliding doors of the emergency department.
Fortunately, my legs have a mind of their own, because my head isn’t working well enough to follow the man.
When we get to the room where Abby is, there’s already a team of doctors and nurses surrounding her. I didn’t think it was possible for her to look any smaller, but lying there surrounded by so many adults, she looks so tiny.
My hand flies over my mouth in an attempt to hold back the sobbing that wants to scream from my chest. I can’t lose control now—I just can’t. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve got to keep it together and try to think clearly. My entire body starts to shake uncontrollably and goose bumps pepper my flesh. I’m freezing despite the warmth of the room.
A slim, dark-haired female approaches me. While I know she’s next to me, I can’t take my eyes off Abby. There’s no way. If I do, she might not make it through this. The woman places a hand on my arm, making it tingle, and the hairs stand straight up.
“Ms. Anderson?”
I nod, but refuse to look.
“My name is Heather. I’m a nurse here. Can I get you anything?” Her voice is calm and soothing, but it can’t calm the storm that’s raging through my mind and soul.
“N—No, thank you.”
I stare at Abby, almost as if into space, as they insert tube after tube into my daughter. It’s surreal. If I didn’t know better, I’d think this were a dream.
Warmth claims my shoulders as a blanket is placed over them. I didn’t know Heather had left, but she’s back, and now her arm is wrapped around me in an embrace. I want to give in and bury my head into the shoulder of this stranger, and let it all out. I can’t. I can’t tear my eyes away from the beautiful baby I gave birth to only days ago. They assured me before we left the hospital Abby would be fine. What happened? Why are we here again?
“They’ve stabilized her. Her heart is beating normally, and her oxygen levels have gone up. They are just making sure there’s enough IV access and inserting a tube to feed her while she’s on the ventilator.” Heather’s soft voice is somehow reassuring and provides some hope.
I dare to look away if only for a brief moment. I need to see this woman’s face when she answers my question. I need to know the truth. “Is she going to be okay?”
“It’s a little early to tell, but you’ve got a little fighter there. I think she’ll make it through this.”
Heather’s words are sincere and she’s hopeful. Unlike many others from our last hospitalization, Heather is not just saying what I want to hear. She believes it.
I let out a heavy breath and release the pressure that had been building. I glance back over at Abby. She’s no longer blue, but the beautiful pink color she was when I brought her home.
“What caused her to stop breathing?”
It seems like an eternity before Heather finally answers. “We don’t know. The doctor is running some tests, and hopefully we’ll have a better idea within the next couple of hours. We’ll be taking her up to the NICU soon where they can continue to monitor Abby for any more episodes.”
I nod. The shaking has subsided, and now there’s just numbness throughout my entire body. I don’t feel anything. Not fear, concern, happiness, or sadness…just numbness. I know this place well. It’s the shell I retreated into when I was with Matteo, and right after Tony left me. This is my safe place. This is where no one can harm me, and the world is okay.
I need to fight from going here, but it’s so inviting and easy. It’s not until a staff member lifts Abby off the gurney and into a baby warmer, that I snap out of it. Her arms are limp and fall to her side. I so desperately want to take her into my arms and shelter her from the world and let Abby know that mom is here and won’t let anything bad happen to her. How can I do that when I can’t even protect myself? What kind of mother am I going to be?
Hot tears slip down my cheeks, and within seconds I’m a blubbering mess.
“Let me escort you to the NICU waiting room. I don’t want you to go alone.” Heather wraps an arm around mine, and helps to steady my weakening body.
Behind me, someone calls out to get Abby packed up and ready to go. It sounds like she’s an object and not the sweet little human I carried in my stomach for almost nine months.
“When will the doctor come talk to me?” I walk at an incredibly slow pace, but it’s faster than my legs really want to go.
“The ER doctor had to rush to another emergency. He’ll come to the NICU and update you as soon as possible. Chances are you’ll speak with the neonatologist first. He’s up there waiting for Abby to arrive.”
I like how Heather says Abby’s name. It makes my baby real and not just another person who’s come through the glass doors to the ER.
“Thank you for helping her.” I’m like a zombie. I can’t seem to carry on the conversation that’s in me somewhere; the one that’s screaming for answers and searching for a treatment that will make my daughter better. Instead, I can barely get simple phrases out. I’m frustrated, but too tired to fight. What is happening to me?
Chapter Thirteen
Tony
As I arrive to the hospital, I find Abby is in the NICU, and Kate’s in the waiting room anxiously biting her manicured nails. “What’s going on? Is there any news?”
Kate shakes her head and tries to hide her face and the tears that are slipping down her reddened cheeks. “Baby, it’s going to be okay. She’s in good hands.” I’m just as much reassuring her as I am myself.
On the way to the hospital, I figured out how to work this weird contraption called the Babybjorn. I have AJ strapped to my chest, and despite his warm body covering my front, I try to embrace the beautiful woman who still allows me in her life. It’s crazy how a couple of weeks ago I was ready to throw everything away, and now, I’m desperately fighting to keep everything that’s important to me.
“What happened? How did you find her?” Kate looks at me searching for answers I don’t know I can give her. I fill her in on how I woke up to the coughing over the intercom, and proceeded to relay the events prior to her walking into the room.
“Oh my God. We’re so lucky you were there and you woke up. What kind of mother am I that I slept through most of it?” Kate begins to sob. I pull her into my arms and rub her back.
“This isn’t your fault, nor does it make you a bad mother. You’re still recovering and you were tired. It’s my job to take over when you need some help. Ple
ase, don’t waste another moment thinking about this. Let’s just be grateful that she’s still with us and pray the doctors can figure out what’s wrong.
Kate nods unconvincingly and continues to cry into my shoulder. AJ lets out a solid cry and for a brief moment, I forgot he was attached to me. “He’s probably hungry. He needs his mama.” I unhook AJ from the carrier and hand him to Kate. I pull a blanket out of the diaper bag and drape it over her shoulder.
“You’ve thought of everything. I didn’t even bring my purse. How did you know to bring all this stuff?”
I look down at the hodgepodge of baby items I threw into the mini suitcase that is quickly becoming a permanent fixture on my body. “Your mother packed this bag for us with everything we need. She told me not to leave home without it and refill it every time with whatever we use. I threw a few more things in there on my way out, not sure what we needed.”
The answer seems to reassure Kate and let her know that I don’t know more than she does. Kate lifts her shirt and allows AJ to latch onto her very large breasts. Her milk just came in and I can’t believe how large they’ve become. It’s like she had implants placed overnight. She covers herself with the blanket, forcing me to stop staring. I’m a bit jealous of AJ for being the first man to touch those amazing melons.
Not long after AJ is done feeding, the doctor comes out. Kate and I both stand, nervously hoping for news our daughter is going to be okay and find out what’s causing this.
“I’m Doctor Ashcroft. I’m the neonatologist who’s been taking care of Abby.” The expression on his face his void of any information. I can’t get a feeling one way or another, whether or not she’s okay. I’m quickly losing my patience. I want answers now.
“Abby has pneumonia. She probably aspirated some amniotic fluid during the delivery. From my understanding, she was given some antibiotics prophylactically while in the NICU. However, it wasn’t enough. As of now, she still has a breathing tube in place and we have her sedated for comfort.”
“Is she going to be okay?” Kate squeezes out the words and can barely ask the question.
“Yes, I believe she will. She’s just going to have to spend a few days here in order for us to tune her up and get those lungs working like they should. She’s definitely a fighter.”
I need to be close to my daughter as much as I need my heart to beat. “Can we see her?”
Dr. Ashcroft stares at AJ before hesitantly responding. “Yes, you can be with her. I have to ask you to keep her brother out. In fact, you should keep him out of the hospital as much as possible. There’s too many germs here that his little body isn’t ready to fight off.”
Kate and I look at each other and then down at AJ, wondering how we’re going to juggle things. AJ needs us as much as Abby does.
“Are you breastfeeding?” Dr. Ashcroft focuses on Kate.
Her cheeks rosy up. I’m not sure why she’s embarrassed. It’s completely natural and I wouldn’t want her to do it any other way.
“Yes, I am.” Kate’s voice is barely audible.
“Good. We’re going to be feeding Abby through a tube for at least the next couple of days. You’ll need to continue to feed her brother, but you’ll also need to get a breast pump and start collecting your milk. When she’s able to eat again, she’s going to need your milk. We can feed her with the bottles when you’re not here. Also, it would be good to keep a few at home for her brother when you’re here. It’ll definitively make it easier for you to go back and forth between the two. Do you have any questions?”
I glance at Kate who appears to be overwhelmed by everything that’s going on. “Do you have a recommendation as to what kind of pump we should get?”
“I don’t have a specific brand. There are tons of them out that work just fine. I’d just recommend you have a dual one, so Kate can evenly pump both sides at the same time.”
I nod. I make a mental note to pick one up as soon as I get a chance.
“Do you have any more questions I can answer?”
Kate shakes her head, but doesn’t say anything.
“Babe, why don’t you go sit with Abby first? I’ll stay out here with AJ and then you can take him home when you’re finished.”
Kate hands AJ over to me. I rub my lips on the soft fuzz covering his head and inhale the wonderful new baby scent.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Kate hesitates before leaving me.
“Yes. Don’t worry. We’re going to have some male bonding time.” I give a reassuring smile. “Get going. Abby needs her mama.”
Kate does what I least expect. She leans in and embraces me as though she’s holding on for dear life. “Thank you for being here and helping me through this.”
I hold her tight and kiss the top of her head. “There isn’t anywhere I’d rather be. Now get in there and tell our daughter how much we love her.”
Kate nods and pulls back before following Dr. Ashcroft into the NICU.
I hold onto AJ tight, as though he could be snatched out of my arms at any minute. I use my body to protect him from the imaginary enemies that are invading my mind. I glance down at my watch, having no idea what time it is or how long we’ve been here. Five o’clock in the morning. The time has flown by. I’ve gotten very little sleep in the past couple of days, but I’m more alive than if I slept a solid eight hours. There’s something to be said for having a child on the verge of death. Nothing else matters except for helping them get better.
There aren’t too many people I can call this time of day for help, but I know just who I should. I take my phone out of my back pocket and dial Kate’s mom. She answers after the third ring and it’s obvious I woke her up.
“It’s Tony. We’re in the hospital.” I proceed to update on her on the events of the night. By the end of the conversation, she’s wide awake and asking what she can do to help.
“Kate’s visiting with Abby right now. When she’s done, I’ve got a car service to take her back home with AJ while I stay here. I’d really appreciate it if you could meet Kate at the apartment.” I didn’t finish the sentence before Elizabeth responded that she’s on her way.
When I get off the phone, I arrange for the car to meet Kate in the lobby and then give the little man resting on my chest a bear-sized hug. I contemplate all of life’s events over the past couple of years and wonder why things have been so complicated between Kate and me. Why can’t they be easy? The good guy in my head has finally overpowered the self-destructive asshole and tells me that nothing easy is worth doing. I’ve known this my entire life, but have chosen to ignore it up until this very moment. I’m in for the long haul, and now I need to figure out how to get us out of this mess and get on with the happy-ever-after.
Kate spends about forty-five minutes with Abby before she comes out and I send her home with AJ. When I go in to see our daughter, I’m unhinged by what’s before me. She has tubes coming from everywhere. She doesn’t even look like the baby I was holding just hours ago.
It’s almost like an out-of-body experience, standing over her. I don’t feel like the same person. It’s as though I’m living someone else’s life. This is like a nightmare and I don’t know how to wake up from it. How can this innocent little human already be suffering at only a few days old? What kind of horrible world do we live in that this can happen?
I reach out and hold her little foot. Her toes flex up and spread out. It’s so adorable and could melt even the hardest of hearts. It’s amazing that just this little thing could make everything worth fighting for.
I kiss her goodbye and take a second look before leaving the room. I don’t want to leave her, but she’s in good hands and I also need to take care of Kate and AJ. I need to search for a breast pump so that my kids can have the proper nutrition they need.
When I get home, Kate is on the couch holding our son with tears streaming down her face. I drop the pump on the table and rush to her side, fearful something happened to Abby while I’ve been gone.
�
�What is it? Why are you crying?”
Kate wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I don’t know. I’m just sad. This isn’t how my life was supposed to turn out.” She looks down at our son and allows the tears to drop onto his head.
“Everything’s okay with Abby, right?” I’m concerned about Kate, but I just want to make sure Abby’s okay. I’m on pins and needles wondering what the next catastrophe is going to be. One thing I can be thankful for is that Matteo will no longer be able to do anything to destroy my life or the ones I love.
“Yes, she’s fine,” Kate states without looking up.
“Where’s your mom?” I look around trying to figure out what’s going on.
“She went to pick up some groceries. I told her I was fine. Tony, I’m not fine. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t think I can be a mom. I don’t feel like I have control over anything in my life. How on Earth can I possibly think that I can take care of two children?” Her tears turn into sobs.
I get down on my knees to try and meet her eyes. Something is going on with her and it’s bigger than me. I do the only thing I know how. “Kate, you’re a wonderful mom. You’ve been keeping our kids safe for the past several months. You did everything possible to nourish them and help them grow. How can you possibly think you wouldn’t be a good mom? Our babies love you. Look how comfortable AJ is in your arms. You’re doing exactly what you were meant to.”