Who I'm Becoming

by S. Q. Williams

  I took a look at Wylie as the judge slammed her gavel down. His nostrils were flared, his knuckles pale and chalky as he fisted them on top of the table.

  “You did it,” Brent, my brother, whispered in my ear.

  I sighed, glancing over my shoulder and nodding at him. Brent was a few inches taller than me with wild brown hair and chubby cheeks he couldn’t get rid of for the life of him. Besides the cheeks, we could’ve passed for twins. I stood, and I was glad I could hold my head high as we walked out of the courtroom. As Wylie passed by us, his lawyer by his side, he grimaced at me. I kept my eyes on him as well because, finally, it was over. Finally, I had the last word. Finally, I was free and there would be no more of him interfering with my life.

  “I think this calls for a celebration,” Brent said, locking an arm around my shoulder. “We should go out to the pub later. Catch a couple of cold ones.”

  I nodded, exhaling deeply as we made our way down the stairs, heading for my mum and dad. They stood in front of their Fiat, smiling at me. When I reached them, Dad hugged me first, but Mum pulled me away from him for a tight hug of her own. “I’m so glad it’s over,” she breathed over my shoulder.

  “Me too,” I sighed.

  She pulled back, but kept her grip on my shoulders. “I made your favorite for dinner tonight. Chicken dumpling soup!”

  I smiled. “Thank you, Mum.” She released me and pushed me towards the backseat. I climbed inside, forcing a smile at her as she shut the door. My mum was a bit overbearing, but she wasn’t bad. I needed her at this time. I felt so alone, and she always gave the best advice. I knew spending a few days at the farmhouse with my family would do me some good. I needed to clear my head—get out of my funk.

  “Hey, sis,” Brent said as he leaned down and picked up a magazine. “I saw this while I was at the store the other day. Is it true? You’re dating one of the FireNine band boys now? I thought you were only working for them?”

  I frowned, looking from his eyes to the magazine that had a clear picture of Montana and me on the cover. I snatched it out of Brent’s hands, scanning the headlines. The headlines I didn’t really care for, but the picture stood out most to me. Montana and I were on the beach. It was that moment right before he tossed me into the water like the goof he was.

  I swallowed hard, biting back my tears. I stuffed the magazine back into Brent’s hands, and Mum looked over her shoulder, her face saddening. “Are you alright, Lauren?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied, forcing the widest smile possible across my lips.

  “What is it with you and that boy anyway?” she asked.

  “We were just… having fun,” I sighed, turning towards the window. I couldn’t look at their faces. I couldn’t even talk about it with them.

  “Looks like the bloke actually likes you,” Brent said, flipping through the magazine.

  I ignored him, and luckily, Dad spoke up, saving me from my tears. “Leave her alone,” he said. “She’s just gotten over one insane idiot. Don’t bother her with another.”

  I bit into my bottom lip, and during the rest of the drive, I listened to the opera my parents played on the radio. Normally, I couldn’t stand it. I liked rock music and bands and guitar solos, but I didn’t mind it now. It was a form of distraction. It was different. I needed different.

  ***

  I had to admit, Mum made the best chicken dumpling soup ever. It’d been my favorite meal since I was a child. I missed her home cooked meals. I had to go for seconds; it was that good.

  After we all finished eating, I helped Mum clear the table. Dad and Brent went into the family room to watch some sports. As I placed the dishes in the sink, I turned and folded my arms. “Mum, can I tell you something?”

  “Sure, honey. Anything.” She stopped what she was doing, giving me her undivided attention.

  “That guy… the one I was on the magazine with… I really, really like him—actually, I love him.”

  She seemed lost, her head tilting oddly. “You mean the band boy?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. “But… I messed up. I never told him about Wylie. The truth is, I never thought he and I would get serious…”

  “And why would you think that?” she asked, grabbing my hand and pulling out a chair for me to sit. She took the seat across from me, staring at me with her big grey eyes—eyes just like mine.

  “Because he reminded me of Wylie. He was in a band. He loved music and put his band first. He was a massive flirt, and I can’t forget how beautiful he is…”

  She smiled but didn’t say a word.

  “I don’t know. I always heard things about him, and whenever I saw him, most of it seemed true.” I huffed a laugh

  “What?” she asked. “What are you laughing at?”

  “I remember the first day we met. Wylie and I weren’t on good terms. FireNine had a pretty good show and a great turnout. I had a successful night, and I couldn’t believe it, but he actually noticed me backstage after it was over. He wanted to hang out with me that night…”

  “And?” she asked eagerly.

  “I turned him down.”

  “Did you now?”

  I nodded, laughing. “Yep. And he was so confused. I rejected him a lot, actually.”

  “You were only intriguing him,” Mum stated.

  “Perhaps… but it was fun.”

  Mum placed her hand on top of mine, her smile soft and sweet. “Honey… what are you getting at here?”

  I bit into my bottom lip, fighting the tremble. “I miss him,” I whispered. My voice cracked, and I lowered my head, but Mum immediately lifted it back up. “And I want to be with him… but I feel like it’s way too soon, you know? I’m afraid of committing to someone with so many similarities as Wylie. I’m terrified.”

  “Oh, sweetie,” she cooed, scooting her chair in closer. She hugged me against her chest, and I cried softly as she ran her hand over my head. “Lauren, you’re a wise girl,” she said. “And I know you know better than to fall for someone as insane and horrible as Wylie again. He did a number on you, and I think you learned from that.” She lifted me up, swiping my tears with her forefinger. “It seems to me like this guy is the perfect match for you, though. Has he done you wrong before?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “And do you think he ever will?”

  I pondered on her question, lowering my gaze as I gave it some thought. “No. I don’t think he ever will. He told me that he loved me.”

  “Do you believe him?”

  I nodded, blinking my tears away. “I do. He’s changed a lot of his ways for me…”

  She grinned. “Then that’s your proof right there, sweetie. A man that is willing to change his ways and kill off his old habits for a woman is a man worth keeping. He’s a man worth falling for. Your Nana taught me that one.” She squeezed my cheeks. “Love, Lauren, is a risk,” she whispered. “Love catches us completely off guard, and usually it happens to come when the timing seems so wrong, but love, without a doubt, is simply amazing. It can’t be denied or avoided, no matter how hard we try to block it out. It just… is. Remember that.”

  I nodded, and she pulled me into her for an even tighter hug. She ran circles along my back, and I smiled over her shoulder. She was right. I was afraid of it… scared to even touch it, and yes, it damn sure came at the wrong time, but it was there. It’d seized my heart all over again. It’d made me weak, but this time, it made me weak for a better person.

  I don’t know what was wrong with me. I don’t know why I was so terrified of giving in. Montana had stuck by my side more than I thought. He showed me that he cared, and that no matter what we were doing, he didn’t care whether it was fun as long as he was by my side. Perhaps that’s what frightened me—how he became so comfortable with me and I with him. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. I feared so much of the future and how we would turn out that I couldn’t even focus on the real me. I was a better person around him.

  Just as Mum pulled away,
Brent rounded the corner, scratching at his eyebrow. “Um… it could be that I’m a little out of whack from having one too many beers, but I think that band boy of yours is standing on the porch asking for you.”

  My eyes expanded as I hopped to my feet and rushed past Brent. I hurried through the living room past Dad and met at the screen door. And sure enough, there stood Montana.

  His back was facing me, and he was looking up towards the sky. He wore a light-blue shirt with dark jeans and a studded belt. His hair was slicked back. Oh, how I loved the slick look on him. From behind, he looked amazing, and I was sure the front was just as admiring.

  I blinked hard, pausing as I reached for the door handle. So many thoughts were running through my mind, but the main thing I wanted to do was talk to him… hear his voice. So without another moment to waste, I pushed the screen door open, and Montana whirled around quickly, scanning me with his eyes.

  I stepped out cautiously, swallowing the emotion down as I shut the door behind me. It was quiet as we both stared at each other. It’d only been a six days, but it seemed we hadn’t seen each other in months. The air was thick, and all I wanted to do was touch him, but I knew better. This wasn’t the time for affection. Words needed to be shared. Something had to be said.

  Luckily, he spoke up first. “Are you okay?” he asked, stopping towards me. “Looks like you’ve been crying…”

  I nodded, my head bobbing oddly as I swiped the remainder of my tears away. “It’s nothing. Just had a one-on-one convo with my Mum. A little confession.”

  “Oh.” He nodded as if he understood, but I could tell he was pretty confused.

  “Um… so what are you doing here?” I asked.

  He inhaled, taking a look around. “Well, I’m not stalking you or anything crazy like that, if that’s what you’re thinking,” he said with half a smile.

  I bit on a smile, looking away. “I know you aren’t.”

  “I um… I called Ben for a few favors. He found this address for me.” He held up a sheet of paper with the address scribbled on it.

  I started to speak, but Brent came to the door, peering out with narrowed eyes. “Everything okay, sis?”

  I looked back. “Fine, Brent. Go away.”

  Montana spoke again. “If this is a bad time I can always come back—”

  “No.” My voice was abrupt, but I refused for him to leave me again. Not again. I grabbed for Montana’s hand then scowled back at Brent. He was two years younger than me, but acted like he was so much older. Fortunately, Mum came to the door, placing a hand on Brent’s shoulder and forcing him away. Before she took off herself, she winked.

  I smiled at her then gave Montana my full-blown attention. “Is this a bad time?” he asked.

  “No,” I whispered. “Not at all. The timing is perfect.” I led him down the stairs and over to the tall oak tree next to the house. There was a bench swing Dad had put up for Mum when I was a teenager. When I met up to it, I took a seat, bringing him down with me. He sat with a sigh, staring ahead as the tall grass swayed with the cool breeze.

  “What made you want to come here?” I asked.

  He blew out a rugged sigh. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” he murmured. “And I want to be angry with you. I want to forget about you. I just want to get over you…”

  My heart stilled as I slowly started to pull my hand away. Had he really come all this way to tell me this? Oh, God. Maybe he came all this way to tell me in person that he couldn’t be with me—that I wasn’t the one for him. At the thought of it, I began to panic, but that panic quickly subsided as Montana squeezed my hand and entwined his fingers with mine.

  “But it’s all bullshit,” he said to me. “Because the truth is, I don’t want to be angry with you anymore. I don’t want to forget about you, and I damn sure don’t want to get over you.” My tummy fluttered. Tears built at the rims of my eyes again as he turned in my direction, squeezing my hand. “I don’t want to lose you, Lauren. With you, I’m happy. I’m whole. I feel fucking incredible. I feel like, with you, I can’t be stopped. You do something to me… and it might be because of the fact that I admit to loving you so much, or maybe it’s because I’m head over fucking heels for you.” He shrugged, his teeth glistening from the pale light of the moon. “Whatever it is, I don’t want it to stop. I don’t want it to end. We all make mistakes, right?” he asked. “I know I do. I can be a real fuck-up at times.”

  I nodded quickly, battling the overwhelming tears. My throat felt thick, words begging to be shared, but I bit them back. I could only listen.

  With his free hand, he reached up and stroked my cheek with his thumb. “I fucking love you, Lauren. I want you as my girl and only you. I miss you. I feel like I’m not even living anymore without you. You did something to me, and it can’t be taken away. It can’t be denied.” He leaned in close, and his lips brushed mine.

  I fought my tears. His words were thoughtful, and from the bottom of his heart. I stilled as he released my hand to cup my face with both of his. With ease, he brought my lips toward his, and our mouths touched once, causing a blaze I’d missed to spark in my belly.

  “Tell me you feel the same,” he whispered and then kissed me again. The kiss was delicate and sweet. His lips were warm and plush. “I didn’t come all this way not to hear it. I need to know you feel the same.”

  I cupped his face as well, bringing him in for another kiss. “I love you, Montana. How can you not see that?” I asked, laughing. “How can you not feel it?”

  “Oh, I feel it, Princess,” he murmured, removing one hand from my face to run it down to my hip.

  “Yeah?” I breathed.

  “Yeah.” He smiled boyishly, and I oozed. He was so gorgeous.

  “Forgive me,” I begged, as I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a tight hug.

  His chuckle was throaty and warm. “You were forgiven a long time ago, babe.”

  I pushed back, my smile wide and toothy. Montana returned a crooked smile, and without hesitation, he reeled me into him, our lips clashing. My chest pressed hard against his, but I felt like I couldn’t get close enough. A moan caught in my throat, and my heart pounded as I kissed him greedily.

  God, I missed this. I missed it so much. I missed him. Every single thing about him.

  I’d let Montana go once, but I refused to do so again. That pain I felt—the pain I knew I’d caused him—was never going to occur again while I had control of it. I adored Montana in every way possible. He was the perfect match for me.

  Although I thought I’d never fall for his type again, he was the rock star I’d always dreamed of.

  He was mine, and I wasn’t letting go.

  I loved this man, and I loved him something fierce. Nothing was going to change that.

  He pulled away with a sigh. “I swear making up with you is the best,” he breathed.

  “I agree,” I murmured, pressing my forehead against his. The screen door opened behind me, and Montana pulled back a little, staring over my shoulder with big eyes.

  I whipped my head quickly, spotting my dad with his arms folded. He marched down the porch stairs and came in our direction, one eyebrow elevated. “Do you plan on sitting out here all night and not introducing yourself?” Dad asked, pointing his gaze on Montana.

  Montana looked from him to me, and I fought a smile, leaning back. Standing to his feet, Montana made his way to my dad and extended his arm. “I apologize, sir. Montana Delray,” he said, introducing himself.

  Dad extended his arm as well, and it only took a few seconds for a full-blown smile to appear on his lips. Montana looked at him with a confused expression, but Dad took his hand and shook it hard. “I’m only kidding!” Dad looked over Montana to see me. “He almost fell for it, huh? The old ‘serious father’ get up.”

  I snickered, and Montana laughed. “Don’t worry,” I said, standing and meeting at his side. “My Dad is the sweetest man on the planet. Can’t be serious for the life of him.”r />
  “I can’t tell… I almost pissed my pants,” Montana admitted, laughing again.

  Dad and I laughed along with him. Mum and Brent came outside next, Mum smiling sweetly as she met Montana’s eyes. She immediately grabbed his hand and shook it. “I’m Elizabeth, Lauren’s mother.”

  “Montana Delray. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Harkin.”

  Mum’s eyes expanded as she raised an eyebrow at me. “Ohh… manners. I like. I like,” she teased.

  Montana introduced himself to Brent next, and Brent apologized for his insane behavior only moments ago. “No big deal,” Montana said. “It’s good to know someone’s got her back.” He draped an arm across my shoulder, and I smiled up at him.

  “Have you eaten anything?” Mum asked him.

  “I haven’t, but I’m starving, and something smelled really good from the porch,” Montana noted.

  Mum’s face lit up as she stepped back. “Oh, that’s my chicken and dumpling soup! Please, come in. Try some. I have plenty. It’s Lauren’s favorite,” she said, reaching for Montana’s hand and tugging him towards the house.

  Montana unwrapped his arm from around me, giving me a wink as Mum literally dragged him up the porch stairs and inside the house.

  “Oh, boy,” Dad mumbled, watching as the door shut behind them. “He’s gonna have his hands full all night with her. She’s baking pies, too. He’s gonna end up gaining ten pounds before he leaves here.”

  Brent and I laughed as Dad ran a hand through his hair and made his way to the house again. I followed him inside, knowing he wasn’t kidding. Mum loved to cook, but she loved baking more. It was a good thing her food was delicious, but she did have an awful habit of having people taste every single thing she made more than once. It was surprising none of us were fat.

  “I hope you have a big appetite,” I said, taking the seat across from Montana at the table. Mum placed a hot bowl of soup in front of Montana, and he dug into it right away, slurping each time the spoon reached his mouth.

  “I can manage.” He grinned at me.

  I gave him a look full of doubt then cocked my head in Mum’s direction. There were three different pies sitting on top of the counter, and when Montana spotted them, his eyes expanded a notch. “She’s gonna want you to try them all,” I whispered.