Focus on Me

by Megan Erickson

  Fuck.

  I opened the door and pushed Riley out. He tripped a little and I caught him with a hand around his bicep, but I didn’t stop walking. Riley was muttering obscenities over his shoulder, probably at Beanie Guy, who was cowering back against the sinks.

  I didn’t stop at our table to finish my beer. I didn’t look around the bar. I marched right out the door and onto the street, still gripping Riley’s bicep as he jogged slightly to keep up.

  And Riley hadn’t stopped talking. Now that smart mouth was turned on me. “What happened? Were you flirting with him? Did he touch you? Did you touch him?” By the time we reached our motel door, his voice had turned slightly hysterical, and the questions got further and further from any semblance of reality. “You wanted him, didn’t you? It’s okay, just tell me. Maybe . . . maybe I could watch while you fucked him. If that’s what you want. I guess I could do that.”

  I shoved him inside the motel room and locked the door behind us. He was still talking, pacing with his hands shoved in his hair, shoulders hunched. “Actually no, no, I can’t do that. I can’t share you, Colin, don’t make me!”

  It was like I wasn’t there. Or I was there, but he was seeing some other Colin. The one he’d made up in his mind who wanted to screw hipster dudes in bar bathrooms.

  “Riley—”

  His mood changed on a dime and he marched toward me until our chests bumped. “Do you still think I could be it for you? Was that a lie? Have you changed your mind?”

  My body felt bruised from the questions he fired at me. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted him to shut the hell up and calm down. I hadn’t changed my mind. I still wanted him, but I didn’t want this possessive, paranoid version of him. I tried to soften my voice even though I felt like I was standing on the edge of a knife. “’Course that wasn’t a lie. I haven’t changed my mind, Riley. Just stop, because I don’t want that guy and you know it.”

  His eyes still blazed, a dark amber behind the brown. He gripped my hips with strong fingers and thrust his hips into mine. “Show me, then. Fuck me, Col.”

  My breath caught in my throat. And then my body went to war with itself. Blood rushed south, right to my cock, because that idea sounded really fucking good. But my mind was screaming that this wasn’t right, this wasn’t the right time or the right way. I hadn’t topped Riley yet. Not for any particular reason. I liked how he topped me. A hell of a lot. I was content to bottom for him and he seemed fine with that arrangement as well. Not all guys liked to bottom, so I figured Riley was one of them.

  So this, this offer of himself made with a voice full of fear-tinged anger, made me want to refuse.

  “Ri—”

  He gripped my hips harder and bent to latch onto my neck. He sucked hard, to the point of pain, which scrambled my brain enough to shut me up. He pulled off. “Prove it’s me you want, Col.”

  I didn’t want to have to prove shit, and I certainly didn’t want to have to prove it by sticking my dick in his ass. “I don’t need to prove I want you by fucking you, Riley. What the hell? What is that going to prove?”

  He wasn’t listening. He pulled off his shirt and then shed his pants, so he stood in front of me naked, that beautiful skin glowing in the dull light of the motel room lamp.

  But he wasn’t hard. This idea wasn’t turning him on. He didn’t want this. He only wanted to prove something that didn’t need to be proven. At least not this way.

  “Riley, I don’t want that guy. I’m yours. You and I both know that. We don’t have to do this. Let’s just go to bed, okay?”

  I took a step toward him and he backed up until his legs hit the bed. He fell onto the mattress on his back and then spread his legs, feet planted on the bed. He stroked himself and he was getting hard now. His eyes didn’t leave mine. “Come on, Col. I want to know what you feel like.”

  He knew what I felt like. He knew my skin better than I knew my own, I thought. I wanted to turn around and walk out of the motel room, go back to the bar and drink until there was no chance I could get it up to fuck him.

  But he was beautiful. And looking at me with those big, dark eyes. His sleek muscles moved under his skin as he continued to stroke himself. He reached down to fondle his balls, and I lost all willpower.

  I ripped off my clothes as quickly as I could and then climbed over him, between his legs, latching my mouth onto his. He wrapped his limbs around me, locking his ankles behind my back. I’d never had him like this. I was hard as granite thinking about sinking into him. He was hot beneath me. Hot and writhing and needy and with his tongue twirling with mine, I knew there was no way to avoid this.

  His hips rolled under me. “Get a condom,” he said as his lips coasted over my cheek to my ear. “Take me, Col.”

  His skin was on fire under me, and he dug his heels into my ass, urging me to get impossibly closer.

  I stretched toward the bedside table and grabbed a condom and lube that Riley had conveniently put there before we left. I managed to separate our upper bodies so I could reach a shaking hand between us and roll the condom on. “You sure?” I asked him.

  But he wasn’t looking at me. In fact, he’d disengaged all his limbs and rolled onto his hands and knees. His face was shoved into a pillow. And I didn’t miss the faint trembles in his spine.

  “Ri.” I ran a hand down his side, rubbing the skin soothingly. “Hey, we don’t have to—”

  “Just fuck me, Col!” His voice was whip-sharp, and I froze with my hand on his hip. He turned his head and licked his lips, his voice calmer now. “Please, I’m sure. I want this.”

  I wasn’t sure he really did, but I was sure that he wanted to want it. And maybe that was why I gave in. Because despite everything, I wanted to give him what he wanted. He needed me, and I wanted to feel needed.

  I grabbed the lube and prepared him swiftly, twisting my fingers inside him to loosen him up. His back was tense, shoulders quivering. I ran my other hand over the top of his ass, rubbing my thumb in soothing circles. When he rocked back onto my hand and made an impatient noise in his throat, I withdrew my fingers.

  I stroked my cock a couple of times and then positioned myself at his entrance. He tensed under my hand where I gripped his hip. At this point my whole body felt like a heat-seeking missile. Riley wasn’t the only one who wanted this. I’d had dreams about this, albeit Riley had been facing me, those dark eyes wide and those lips curved into a smile.

  I hesitated and Riley pushed back, so that my tip sank into him. He moaned softly and I took us the rest of the way, guiding my hips forward until I was snug against him.

  I closed my eyes at the feel of his inner muscles clutching me. He was tight, impossibly tight, and I worried that I hadn’t prepared him enough. I opened my mouth to say something, but he rocked back into me, tearing a groan from my throat. “Move, Col,” he whispered. “Move.”

  So I did, slowly at first, gliding in and out of him on a steady rhythm. Which was okay until he started moving beneath me, pushing, urging. “Harder,” he rasped out. “Come on.”

  His hand disappeared beneath him, and I heard him stroking himself, so I gripped his hips and slammed into him. Over and over again. He jerked beneath me, and I tried to lose myself in the sight of him. I tried to focus on how good this was.

  But all I could feel was the sour sweat on my skin. His grunts, which I had thought were full of pleasure, now seemed ragged on the edges with pain. This wasn’t me making love to Riley. This was some other Colin, the one that Riley had imagined, fucking him brutally in a shitty motel room.

  My hips slowed until I sat back on my heels, still inside Riley, and bit my lip so I didn’t do something crazy like burst into tears. I reached down and curled my hand beneath him.

  He was soft.

  I hated myself. I hated myself for giving in to Riley. And I hated him for making me do this.

  I pulled out slowly, my erection mostly lost. Riley’s shoulders were shaking. His whole body was shuddering and it wasn’t until
I grabbed the pillow out from under his head that I realized he was crying.

  He curled in on himself into a ball and shoved his face into the sheet. Metal tags jingled and Dallas walked over to the side of the bed. He whined at Riley, then began to lick the tears off his face. Riley ignored him, but Dallas didn’t care. He jumped on the bed and curled up next to him.

  I thought maybe I should comfort Riley. I should say something. But I didn’t know what the hell to say. I didn’t even know what was wrong. I just knew that this . . . this had done something to us. And I hated him for pushing it, but I’d been a willing participant. I’d let Riley need me.

  Riley might have punctured the hole in our ship, but I’d done nothing to stop the water coming in.

  We had sunk each other, in an irrevocable way. Because Riley lay broken on the bed and I wanted to claw my skin off. Instead, I ran into the bathroom and puked up my dinner.

  When I came back of the bathroom, Riley hadn’t moved. The room smelled like sex and sweat and lube, and I had to get out of here or I would come out of my skin.

  I pulled on a pair of jeans, shoved my feet into my boots, and grabbed a hoodie off the table. Then I walked outside without saying a word to Riley.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I didn’t realize until I was almost at the bar that the hoodie I grabbed wasn’t mine. It was Riley’s.

  And it was vibrating.

  I’d planned to go back to the bar and drink until I couldn’t feel my face. That seemed like a great plan to me. But when I pulled Riley’s phone from the pocket of his sweatshirt, I saw “Mom” on the screen.

  My thumb hovered over the answer button. This was the very definition of betrayal, if I spoke to his parents without his permission. Without him knowing. Because in the state he was in, there was no way I was saying anything.

  But I needed answers. I needed to know more about Riley, and maybe starting with his parents would get me somewhere. I braced myself for some homophobic bullshit. And I hit answer. “Hello?”

  There was a small gasp on the other line, then a click, like a nail on the receiver. I heard breathing, but no words.

  “Hello?” I said again.

  “Wh-why are you answering Riley’s phone?” Her voice got stronger. “Is he okay? Oh dear God, is he okay?”

  He wasn’t really okay, but I figured we’d work up to that. “He’s fine.”

  She exhaled loudly. “Oh thank God. Why do you have his phone?” I hesitated, unsure how to answer that, and then she said, “Are you his boyfriend?”

  I swallowed and leaned against a brick wall, really wishing I’d had that drink. “Yeah, I am.”

  “Oh, oh!” There was movement, and then her voice was muffled. “Glen, get over here. He’s okay. And he’s with a boyfriend.”

  A deep voice murmured in the background and then she was back on the line, words rushing out of her mouth like she was racing against a bomb. “I’m so glad he has someone with him right now. Where are you? We can be there right away—”

  “Whoa whoa, what?” My head was spinning. Riley had told me they had a problem with him being gay, hadn’t he? My mind raced back to our previous conversation.

  “They’ve tried to change me for a long time, not accepting me as I am.”

  “Is this about you being gay?”

  “Something like that.”

  So he’d never really said the words that they had a problem with him being gay. He’d just let me believe it. The little bastard.

  His mom’s voice was softer now. “I’m sorry to jump all over you, but we’ve been trying to get a hold of Riley since he left California. We had no idea . . . well, my name is Beth. And Riley is my only son and I l-love him very much.” Her voice cracked and gentle sobs came over the line. And I was about done with tears for one night. I was sure of that. There was a rustling in the background and then a man cleared his throat. “Hello?”

  “Yeah.” My voice was hoarse.

  “Right, son. I’m Riley’s dad, Glen. What’s your name?”

  “Colin.”

  “And you met our son how?”

  I said the first thing that came to mind. “He needed a ride in Nevada and he’s been in my Jeep since then.” God, that sounded really weird and kinda trashy. I didn’t tell them where we were. I wasn’t positive I could trust them yet, even though my gut was telling me I could.

  “And where you headed?”

  I licked my lips. “Riley wants to see the ocean.”

  Glen was quiet for a minute. “I hope Riley knows how to pick ’em, Colin. Because frankly, this is a lot to place on the shoulders of a stranger. But son, you have to have noticed by now that Riley isn’t in the best place mentally. Not sure he’s ever been.”

  I stayed silent and rubbed my eyes with the heel of my free hand. Because he was confirming everything I knew but didn’t want to admit. I wanted to throw up again.

  “He needs help. He needs to be in a program. He’s always been resistant to any sort of medical treatment but he’s not coping on his own. We’ve tried to encourage him to at least try it. Just once.” He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was lower. “Is he eating at least?”

  I swallowed. “Little bit. I try to stay on him about that.”

  He exhaled. “Good, good. How is he . . . other than that?”

  This felt awful. My stomach was cramping to the point I could barely breath. This felt wrong, to talk about Riley like this when I’d just left him crying in our motel room. And what was my part in all of this? Was I making it worse?

  So I stayed silent. Because my mind hurt and I needed to talk to Riley before I made any decisions.

  A heavy sigh came over the line. “Okay, I get it. You’re loyal, right?”

  “Yes, sir,” I said softly.

  “Well, that’s better than the alternative, I guess. Riley’s an adult. I know we can’t force him to do anything, and we don’t want to do that. But I’m telling you now, Colin, Riley’s been battling anorexia and depression his whole life. We haven’t seen him for three years, and he’s cut off almost all contact with us because of our suggested treatment methods. But make no mistake, we love our son. And if that makes him furious at us, then that’s the price we pay. But we’ll never stop wanting him healthy. Do you understand?”

  Something dripped on my hand. I blinked my eyes, unused to this prickly feeling, and that’s when I realized I had my fist shoved in my mouth, and tears were falling on the back of my hand. I’d missed every fucking sign, hadn’t I? Or maybe that was the problem. I didn’t want to see the signs because I was as dependent on him as he was on me. I removed my fist and whispered, “I understand. L-let me talk to him. And see what I can do.”

  “We’d appreciate it, Colin. You can call us anytime. From anywhere. We’re in West Virginia.”

  They were close then. “Okay.”

  “Thank you for answering his phone.”

  “Thank you for not giving up on Riley.”

  When I hung up the phone, I was drained. Spent. The bar no longer sounded inviting. So I trudged back to the hotel, feeling about fifty pounds heavier than when I left it.

  Riley had lied to me about his parents. Well, okay, he hadn’t outright lied, but he’d let me believe something that wasn’t true.

  Damn him.

  And I knew I was making excuses for him, but if he felt threatened by his parents’ need for treatment, maybe he needed to tell himself they didn’t accept him. Maybe that’s how he dealt with it all.

  By the time I reached our motel room door, I didn’t really know anything anymore. All I knew was that I needed sleep. And I needed to get Riley to the damn ocean, and maybe then we’d have a talk about the future.

  Because he’d hooked me. And dammit, I’d see him through this.

  At the same time, I wondered if that would be enough.

  ***

  I slept on the other bed in the room, letting Riley and Dallas have the other all to themselves. By the time I’d come back to
the hotel room, Riley had fallen asleep, so I’d covered him with the blanket.

  And now the sun was creeping through the thick curtains. Dallas was up and moving about, and probably needed to be let out. I was staring at the ceiling, like I’d done almost all night.

  At the beginning of this trip, all I’d done was offer a ride to the hottest guy I’d ever seen in my life. And then I’d fallen for him, despite him pushing me away. Despite him warning me away from him in the only way he knew how. And now I was so in over my head, I was drowning. But I couldn’t even think of doing anything other than try and get him help.

  I wondered if I’d end up like his parents, loving their son from afar because he cut them off.

  If he could cut off his own parents, what the hell would he do to me?

  The other bed creaked and I closed my eyes, rolling away to face the wall.

  I heard him standing at my back. I heard his breathing and I could feel his body heat and waves of tension. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t have a plan. I wasn’t going to abandon him, but I was hurting from the knowledge that there was a lot about him he hadn’t trusted me to know.

  It didn’t matter how much I cared about him, how much I wanted him to be well. He wasn’t well. He needed help. Professional help. And I didn’t know how to get that done.

  The bed dipped behind me and the sheet rustled, then Riley’s smooth, lanky body plastered to my back. I winced and kept still.

  He touched my back, those faint fingertips tracing my shoulder blade. He stayed silent for so long that I thought I imagined it until he finally spoke up. “I’m sorry.” His voice cracked. I swallowed and nodded.

  His lips touched the back of my neck and his hand on my hip dipped lower, into the waistband of my boxers. “I’m so sorr—”

  I gripped his wrist before he could wrap those talented fingers around me. “No, Riley.”

  It hurt to say those words. All I wanted to do was turn around and press him to my chest, run my fingers all over his skin, and then suck him off until he was happy and sated.