Focus on Me

by Megan Erickson

  So she and Riley had bonded quickly, both understanding the world of pretty, thin people and the toll they’d placed on their bodies.

  Riley didn’t take his eyes off me as we talked with Kara out in the main room. He held my hand with both of his, and stared at my face when I talked. I didn’t care that he looked at me. He could stare at me all he wanted. I didn’t like the reason behind it, the fear hiding in his eyes that he’d never see me again.

  The first week at SkyHope had been rough. They’d had to evaluate him to determine which medication would be best. He began taking the medication and immediately suffered some side effects. Apparently antidepressants, like other SSRI drugs, take some time to enter the bloodstream and actually work. With Riley, they altered his dosage amount once as well, which further set him back.

  So he’d been right, the three weeks I thought he was ignoring me, he was in here sick to his stomach and experiencing drastic mood swings.

  We stood under the covered drive outside the front of SkyHope. I’d been there for a while, and Riley had to attend a therapy session.

  He laced his fingers with mine. “I wasn’t quite ready to see you. I’m still not where I want to be. But I . . . well, selfishly I wanted to see you again.”

  “You didn’t have to see me before you were ready.”

  “I know,” he said softly. “But I’m glad you came. I really wanted to see you.”

  I pulled him closer, so his body lined up with mine. I cupped his cheek. “You’re doing this for you, though, right? Not for me.”

  He pursed his lips. “I’m starting to do it for me.”

  “Well, at least you’re honest.”

  He gave me a wobbly smile. “And how’s Dallas?”

  I grunted. “He’s good. My sister has practically adopted him.”

  “I can’t wait to see him.”

  “I don’t even say your name around him, because he whines.”

  Riley’s lips tipped down.

  “Hey,” I said. “Don’t. I told you that so you know how much he’s waiting to see you again, okay?”

  He nodded and looked down at our feet.

  “How long do you think you’ll be here?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “We thought thirty days, but now we’re thinking more like . . . sixty.” He looked up at me, biting his lip.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay?” He cocked his head.

  “Yeah, okay. You need to stay here as long as it takes.”

  He looked out into the parking lot, brows furrowed. “So you’ll . . . wait for me?”

  “Baby.” I couldn’t stop the exasperation in my voice.

  He blinked, but didn’t turn his head.

  “Hey, focus on me.”

  He slowly rotated his neck and eyed me with those big dark eyes. I held his face in both hands. “I’ll wait as long as it takes. Your job is to get healthy. My job is to be here to welcome you when you’re better. Understand?”

  He nodded, and pressed his lips gently to mine. There was a slight desperation in this kiss, which I hated a little bit. Like we each had something to prove. But there was nothing I could do about it now. He’d find out he could trust me when he got out of SkyHope and I was waiting with open arms.

  I hoped he’d take the step into them.

  ***

  Landry,

  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes, late at night, I think about how much easier it would have been to end it all.

  But then I remember that I told Colin I’d fight. If he’s fighting for me, I owe it to him to do the same. I hope . . . I hope one day I’ll want to fight for me, too.

  Thank you again for coming to me. For helping Colin with what I put him through. He came to see me the other day here at SkyHope. I don’t want to let him down, but this is no fucking picnic. I need to find that place where I see myself the way he sees me.

  And when I get there, I want to see you and Justin again. Maybe we’ll visit the beach and this time, I’ll actually get in the ocean.

  —R

  Chapter Twenty-two

  It was hot as hell at work that day.

  It was always hot in the kitchen, I mean; the burners were on full blast and the ovens were fired up. But today, there wasn’t a breeze filtering through the open back door. There air was heavy and humid. We’d truly hit the doldrums of the summer and the heat was making everyone pissy.

  I’d even heard Quinn snap at Jess earlier. She’d looked surprised as hell and I’d laughed. That was the last time I’d smiled that day. We were finally coming down from the dinner rush. I’d helped box up the takeout deliveries, and all I wanted to do was go home and take a shower. I had my own apartment now. I’d only been there about a week, so I had a couch and a bed. I ate dinner—when I was home—on a paper plate in my lap on said lonely couch. My TV sat on the floor.

  I really needed a kitchen table. And a chair or two. The only person who’d been to my apartment was Jess, and that was the day I’d moved in. I liked having my own space—well, except for Dallas. He lived there with me. My neighbor was a single mom with a teenager who was willing to let Dallas out when I couldn’t make it home. I lived on the first floor and the apartment complex had a nice little fenced-in courtyard.

  My place wasn’t anything fancy, but then I didn’t want anything fancy. I wanted a place that was mine.

  I tried not to think about my hope that someday someone would live there with me. A specific someone.

  I wiped my brow and glanced around the kitchen. The orders were still coming in, but at least the main rush was over.

  “Colin.” I turned at the sound of Lisa’s voice. She was our hostess, a sweet high school girl who was a hard worker. It was going to suck when she left for college next year. She leaned into the kitchen through the swinging doors.

  I wiped my hands on a nearby rag. “Yeah?”

  “Someone’s here to see you.” Her blond head disappeared back out into the dining room.

  I scratched behind my ear, figuring the sweaty mess on top of my head was beyond hope. I was wearing a gray tank top that was gross from being in the kitchen and a pair of camo cargo shorts. And flip-flops. Because hot as fucking hell.

  Figuring it was one of my old high school football friends, I pushed out into the dining room.

  And then froze. Completely froze up even though seconds earlier I’d been sweating bullets.

  Riley stood in the middle of Patty’s. Riley. In Patty’s. Now.

  My brain wasn’t firing in complete sentences and I swore my vision went wonky. So I just stared and blinked.

  He wore a plain white T-shirt and a pair of denim cutoff shorts with leather flip-flops. His sunglasses were shoved on top of his head and his hair was shorter and lighter. I guessed that was his real hair color. It made his skin look tanner, his eyes darker. If possible, he looked even more beautiful.

  Or maybe he just looked beautiful because I was starving for him.

  I hadn’t talked to him for over a month. He’d had some sort of setback, his parents said. He wasn’t talking to anyone. It freaked me out, not knowing if he was all right. But I knew going in that this could happen. I told him I’d be here for him no matter what, but that hadn’t stopped the doubt from creeping in during the last month. The voice telling me I wasn’t good enough. That Riley hadn’t been better when he’d made all those declarations to me when I visited SkyHope. That he could still leave me behind.

  As he stood in Patty’s now, the only tell Riley gave that he was nervous was a hand clutching his thigh—the same gesture he’d made all those months ago in that gas station. The rest of him . . . Well, he stood tall, with his chin up. He’d put on a little weight, not much, but his face was more filled out. His cheekbones less pronounced. I wasn’t proud that one of my first thoughts was I wished he’d turn around so I could see if he’d added some meat to his ass.

  Because I would have been a fan of that.

  His eyes darted around the restaurant, a
nd I tried to see it through his eyes. The old Formica tables. The wooden chairs we’d repainted about five times. The counter that could probably use a coat of paint.

  My mom’s tacky as hell pig knickknacks strewn all over the walls and every shelf space available.

  I thought Riley would look out of place here. I thought he’d stick out like a sore thumb. But although he could never hide those model looks, his shoulders were relaxed, and he looked . . . content. In a way I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen him.

  I wanted to run to his side and scoop him into my arms, but I kept my feet planted, giving him time to take in his surroundings. Finally his gaze landed on me, and then . . .

  He smiled.

  Not just a I’m happy to see you smile. Not a I missed you smile.

  This was a I can breathe again now that you’re in front of me smile.

  I’m sure my smile was identical to his.

  He lifted his hand in a small wave. “Hi.”

  I tried to speak, but my voice failed and I tried again. “Hi.”

  He licked his lips and gestured toward the menu board over my head. “I . . . uh . . . I think you promised me a taste test.” He tapped his finger on his chin with a spark in his eye. “Everything on the menu, I believe.”

  He was teasing me. I hadn’t seen him in over a month, and I spent that entire time missing him with a bone-deep ache while attempting to brace myself for when he’d cut ties with me. And now he was here, teasing me, acting for all the world like he belonged here. With me.

  I swallowed and gestured toward an empty booth in the corner. It was my favorite, the one Jess and I used to sit at and color and play cards while our parents worked. “You wanna sit? I’ll start bringing out some food.”

  For a brief moment, hesitation crossed his face. Then he tilted his chin up again. “Okay, that’d be great.”

  I went to turn around and then paused. “What do you want to drink?”

  “Water’s fine.”

  He turned around and walked back to the booth. I stayed where I was, watching him. And yep, I think he’d added some pounds to that ass.

  I felt a stirring in my groin and turned around, muttering to myself to get under control. I wasn’t going to hump him in my parents’ restaurant.

  I walked to the kitchen, my whole body numb, my head feeling stuffed with cotton. I grabbed a tray and a plate and began filling it with dinner preparations. I made a pulled pork barbecue sandwich, slathered in our special sauce, on a thick roll. I added some slaw and mac and cheese. A couple of hush puppies. A side bowl of Brunswick stew.

  It was so much food, dripping off the sides and down onto the tray.

  I stared at it, wondering what the hell Riley would think about all this food. Although, more than that, I wanted to know what he was thinking about us.

  I turned around to grab a cup for his water and nearly ran into Jess. “Shit!”

  She held up her hands. “I’m sorry! Do you want me to carry it for you?”

  I narrowed my eyes and held the tray closer to my body. “No, I got it. But thank you.”

  She pulled her lips between her teeth. “He looks good, Colin.” Her voice was soft and it skittered over my skin, raising goose bumps. “He looks really good. And he’s here. He came all the way here to see you.”

  I brushed past her and stuck the cup under the ice dispenser of our soda machine. “He’s just here for some barbecue,” I muttered. The ice rattled in the cup, and then I pressed the lever to fill it with water.

  Jess stood beside me, her arms crossed over her chest. “Stop it. I know you’re trying not to get your hopes up. I know you’re trying to guard your heart. But that man out there looks a little terrified that you’re going to reject him.”

  I almost spilled the cup of water. “No way. I told him I’d be here for him. I told him I’d love him no matter what.”

  She cocked her head. “And did he promise the same thing?”

  He had. “Yes.”

  “Then why should he believe you, but you can’t believe him?”

  “Because—” I sputtered and nearly dropped the tray of food. “Because he’s . . . him. And I’m . . . me.” That sounded lame, even to my own ears.

  Jess poked a finger in my chest. “You need to get that you’re worth it, Colin. You’re worth it. He’s worthy of you and you’re worthy of him. There’s no competition. You belong together. Now get out there and reassure that poor guy that you’re happy he’s here. “

  I glanced at the door leading out to the dining room. I’d been worried about guarding my heart, but if that was going to be at the expense of Riley’s comfort, then fuck it. I was strong. I’d live. I wanted Riley to know the sight of him in Patty’s was better than the fucking Grand Canyon.

  I took a deep breath and looked back at my sister. “Okay, yeah. Okay.”

  Her features softened. “Great, now get out there and feed that boy our award-winning barbecue.”

  I chuckled as I turned away from her.

  I walked toward Riley’s booth, but he hadn’t noticed me yet. His hands were clasped in front of him, and his head was down. His thigh was jiggling and I thought I saw his lips moving.

  I walked faster.

  When I got to the booth, I slid the tray onto the table and then sat down across from him. Riley’s head shot up, and then his eyes widened when he took in the tray. “Whoa.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, well, this isn’t everything on the menu, but I’m thinking we’ll need to break this up in installments.”

  The mention of a future, of doing this again, softened the lines in Riley’s brow. “Yeah,” he said softly. “That sounds perfect.”

  I cleared my throat as his voice warmed my belly. I pointed to the items on the tray. “So this is our most popular takeout item, the pulled pork barbecue. Now, we make a couple of different sauces, but this is our signature Patty’s sauce. Here in North Carolina, the sauce is vinegar-based, so it’s got a bite to it. Those are hush puppies, which are a sweet, fried corn bread. And that’s our homemade mac and cheese. Mom uses some fancy cheeses, and I don’t remember all the names, but it’s damn good.”

  “What’s that?” He pointed to the bowl.

  “That’s Brunswick stew. It’s got a lot of stuff in it, like pulled pork and chicken and corn and beans.”

  His eyes were huge. He picked up his fork and licked his lips, like a wolf deciding on his porridge.

  I laughed. Loudly. I leaned back in the booth and threw my head back, because it felt so fucking good to see Riley here. He looked happy and healthy and fuck, I wasn’t sure I’d ever see him like that.

  When I stopped laughing, he was watching me with shining eyes. I slipped my foot in between his and rubbed the toe of my flip-flops on his ankle. “Glad you’re here, Catwalk.”

  He made a sound in his throat, and then smiled. “I’m glad I’m here, too. I’m real glad. And it’s been a long time since I could say that.”

  I figured he meant that in a much broader sense. “So you’re . . . out?”

  He nodded. “I checked out a couple of days ago and spent some time with my parents. They deserved that, after all I put them through. I’m sorry I didn’t call, but I wanted to surprise you. I also thought . . . Well, I thought if I came down here face-to-face, you’d have a harder time telling me to take my drama and shove it.”

  I clenched my fists on the table and swallowed. Hard. “That’s what you thought. How about now? That you’re here?”

  His gaze roamed my face, then locked on my eyes. He licked his lips and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “I-I think I could have just called.” A slow smile started to spread over his face, and I could feel my lips mirroring his. “Because you’re not going to tell me to shove it, are you, Col?”

  I shook my head. “Not a chance in hell.” And before I started crying or grabbed his face to make out with him over my mom’s mac and cheese, I nodded to his plate. “Better get started on that before it gets cold. Then I can show you m
y new apartment and let you see Dallas.”

  He grinned, picked up the sandwich, and took a huge bite.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  I gripped Butch’s steering wheel and squinted into my rearview mirror. Riley was still behind me, sunglasses pulled over his eyes, driving his little Honda Civic.

  He’d eaten—not a lot, but enough—and now we were on the way to my apartment to see Dallas. I wondered what he had planned to do here if he hadn’t been able to see me. Or if I . . . hadn’t wanted to see him.

  When I pulled into my apartment complex and parked the car, I realized that the trip had taken a lot of faith on Riley’s part. Even if he was unsure enough to want to meet me face-to-face, that had still taken a lot of trust that I’d follow through.

  Me. Colin Hartman.

  He’s worthy of you and you’re worthy of him, Jess had said. I needed to remember that. And I needed Riley to see that too. I stepped out of my Jeep as Riley parked beside me. I walked over to his driver’s side as he stepped out. “You have a bag?”

  Riley blinked at me. “Uh . . .”

  I scratched the back of my head and then took a step forward, right up in his space. “I have you back. You look healthier than I’ve ever seen you, and best of all, you look happy. I want to keep you for a while, if you’ll let me.”

  His mouth fell open, then his lips tilted up. “Why do you think I’m here? I want you to keep me for a while.”

  Oh, thank God. “So . . . bag?”

  Riley laughed and grabbed a duffel out of his passenger seat and held it in front of him. “Bag.”

  “All right.” I jingled my keys. “Follow me up to my penthouse then, please. Make sure you take off your shoes before you enter so you don’t scratch the marble floors, and please refrain from touching any expensive vases or stainless steel appliances. My maid hates cleaning those.”

  Riley was watching his feet while he walked, a wide smile on his face.

  “And,” I continued. “Dallas only eats fresh meat now. I usually go down to the butcher. It’s a bitch getting the blood out of his diamond collar.”

  Riley was laughing now. “You’re such an idiot.”