Pretty Pretty Princess

by McKenzie, Shane

  Prince Francis: All the . . . beetles . . . ? Your hand, Princess. What is that on your . . . oh god . . .

  Oh her? That’s just Tessa, my best friend forever.

  Prince Francis: Wait what?

  (Tessa) What makes you think that you’re so fucking special?

  All the knights who have tried, they all failed, now they’re corpses.

  And you?

  Goddamn! You look gayer than cream-colored roses!

  Our living conditions are shitty. What, you think we need your pity?

  Suck my fat, pink tail, Prince Asshole! At least the voices think we’re pretty!

  Princess: Tessa! Sorry about that, my prince. She can get excited sometimes.

  Gavin: Hey, Fran. You sure about Princess Batshit over here?

  Prince Francis: Give her a chance, Gavin. It’s not her fault she was—

  In my head, there’s a bee hive that’s dripping with honey,

  So I dig till my scalp is all scabby and bloody,

  And at night the moon spits and it calls me a failure,

  But today the gods sent me a strong, handsome savior.

  So let’s take off all these clothes, get on your knees and elbows.

  Three fingers seems quite fitting

  I bet your asshole’s really pretty.

  Prince Francis: Now just hold on a minute!

  Gavin: Oh, come on. You’ll like it. Princess, I’m thinking we better use the whole fist.

  Prince Francis: The . . . the what?

  Tessa: Hold still, you fruit basket!

  ***

  Gavin cackled from the shit mound as the princess chased Francis around the room, her fingers now dripping with saliva. She held up her other hand: a decomposed rat's corpse had been grafted to her forearm, and she worked it like a puppet, though it seemed to have a mind and personality of its own. Her breasts were nothing more than flattened, drooping bags of skin, the nipples tiny and inverted. A necklace with a crimson stone hung between them like the petrified eye of a demon.

  “Brave knight, please. It is your reward! I only want to perform my duties!”

  “Let her perform her duties, Fran, you heartbreaker you!”

  “Shove me up there instead, Princess,” Tessa said. “I’ll gnaw on his prostate and make him feel really pretty.”

  “Enough!” Francis stomped his foot, his body now pressed into the furthest corner. He extended his hands to keep the princess away from him, but she only leapt forward and popped one of his fingers into her mouth. His finger slid through a gap in her teeth, the dangling, diseased nerve endings tickling his knuckle like cuttlefish tentacles.

  Francis yanked his hand away from her, looked to Gavin for help, but the pig was cackling as he watched, his pink body caked with old and new manure. He hadn’t looked so happy in months.

  “I have a confession to make, Princess. But know that my sincerity to take you away from this place is genuine.”

  “Confession? You are made of dream clay!”

  “No! I am no knight. There isn’t an ounce of bravery in my body. Not a drop.”

  “You . . . you lied?”

  “It is true that the goblins are dead, that the Goblin Dragon is slain. But it wasn’t I who did the killing. I was pinned under a goblin’s corpse through most of the battle, in fact.”

  “I killed four of those goblin fucks myself, Princess,” Gavin oinked.

  “You see? My pig is more of a knight than I am. I am Prince Francis of the kingdom Granada, but I was banished by my parents because I wasn’t manly enough for them. They were ashamed, and so they sent me away with a talking pig and a bag of gold.”

  “You are no knight?”

  “I am not. I paid a band of warriors to escort me here, and it was them who killed the goblins and the dragon. Gavin and I are the only ones who survived the fight.”

  “Think he knows how lucky he is, Princess?” Tessa said through a snicker.

  “Shall we show him?”

  “Show me? Show me what, Princess?” Francis said. He tried to back up further into the corner, but he was wedged as far as he could go.

  The princess backed away from him, her long sallow toenails scraping across the stone floor as she shuffled away. She lifted both bony arms to her sides, tilted her head back, and sang.

  She didn’t speak a word, just a soft, haunting sound. Sweet yet dreadful. It made Francis’s flesh crawl, but then he realized the sensation was the countless flies now scuttling across his skin.

  The mild hum of the flies became a maddening hurricane of buzzing and iridescent bodies zigzagging through the air. The floor thrashed with furry life as thousands of rats poured into the room and rushed toward the princess.

  Francis couldn’t tell where they had all come from, but as the princess sang, more and more arrived.

  The flies swirled over her and around her like a protective, glimmering cloud. The rats surrounded her, standing on top of one another like a wall of gray fur and pink tails and red eyes.

  “What is this?” Francis said, both of his hands clutched to his chest.

  “She’s a witch,” Gavin said, now standing beside Francis. Waves of fecal scent blasted Francis in the face, but he was glad to have his friend by his side.

  “I have a confession too,” the princess said. “I don’t want to be saved. This is my home now. Many knights have come. Many knights have defeated the goblins and the dragon. But none have defeated me.”

  “But if the goblins and the dragon have been defeated . . . ” Francis started.

  “Then who in the fuck did we almost die fighting back there?” Gavin snorted.

  “Goblins cannot die. The moonlight mends their wounds.”

  “The moonlight?” Francis and Gavin said together, then immediately heard the rumble in the distance, felt the stone floor shake.

  “You’ve come to take me back to Trulia, is that right, Prince? To claim the kingdom and the gold and my heart?”

  “I’ve come here to save you. Princes for the Ethical Treatment of Princesses! P.E.T.P!”

  “Pet pee?” Tessa said.

  “I told you the acronym was shit,” Gavin said.

  “None of that is the point!” When Francis raised his voice, the rats bared their teeth, the flies swarmed over his face. “Since the beginning of time, as far as I know, kings and queens have been locking their daughters away. Using them as prizes for strong, brave knights, and to display their wealth and power. I have traveled across the realm trying to talk some sense into the princesses who were set to marry these barbarians. None will listen. But you, Princess. The legendary Princess of Trulia. You can be an example for them. You can show them they have a right to a better life than one of imprisonment.”

  A roar from outside shook the walls. A dark mass blocked out the moonlight at the window, and then the Goblin Dragon’s face appeared there, its black eyes swimming with hate. The goblin horde growled and hissed from below, some still stuffing their innards back into their bellies.

  “Tessa?” the princess said, her encrusted eyes still on Francis.

  “He’s telling the truth, Princess.”

  “I am,” Francis said, his voice growing higher by the second. “I swear it to you. I only want to help. I only want the world to see the error in their torturous and cruel traditions. A princess has a right to live the life she wants for herself. To marry for love rather than obligation.”

  The dragon roared, flinging fiery spittle across the stone floor and walls.

  The princess had her face lowered so that Francis could not see her expression. When she lifted her chin, he wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or terrified by her smile.

  “I like you,” she said. “You are not like the others. I still have my suspicions that you are not, in fact, real. But your words calm the bees in my brain. Your presence makes me feel warm.”

  “Together, we can change the world,” Francis said, then stood taller, proud of his statement.

  “Just give me
a moment, Prince.” The princess slowly spun so that she was facing the dragon who was clawing at the wall with its talons, mouth dripping with liquid hellfire. The princess raised Tessa, the rat corpse’s mouth opening wide and releasing a sharp screeching sound.

  Gavin squealed, rolled around on his back trying to reach his hooves to his ears to block out the sound. Francis grimaced, both hands pressed hard against his ears, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the princess.

  The flies swirled like a cyclone over her for a moment, then exploded toward the dragon. They swarmed over the monster’s face, covering it with their shimmering bodies at once.

  The dragon roared, but it sounded more like a scream as it threw itself off the tower and flapped its wings chaotically, scratching at its face to relieve itself of the winged bugs. Gouts of flame shot out here and there but did nothing to stop the flies.

  As the dragon panicked and cut the sky with its wounded and stumbling flight, more flies flowed over its scaled body until every inch of the great beast was covered.

  Below, the rats stormed toward the goblins like living, turbulent water. Their furry bodies scurried down the tower wall, then swept over the land toward the army of creatures. The rats hit the goblins like a wave, throwing them off their feet and drowning them with the sheer number of them. Every goblin disappeared beneath the ocean of rodents.

  The dragon roared one final time, then fell from the sky to smash against the earth. When the flies finally lifted into a shimmering cloud above the beast, there was nothing but a giant skeleton below them, smoke swirling from its mouth. The rats thrashed a bit more, then began to make their retreat. The goblin bones had been picked clean, not a drop of flesh left on them.

  The princess turned and grinned wider than ever at Francis.

  “They will rise again soon. We better get going, Prince.”

  “Y-yes,” Francis said, then cleared his throat and smoothed out the front of his clothes. “It will be a long and arduous journey, but I propose we travel from kingdom to kingdom, speak with the people, let them see you and what pain their ignorance has caused. Speak to the kings and queens of each kingdom, make them see what—”

  “We are going to Trulia,” the princess said.

  “Indeed, but I am not sure the time is right. Perhaps we should spread the word first, allow the—”

  “No. We go to Trulia now. Tonight. It’s been so long since I’ve seen my parents.” She pulled Tessa up so that the princess and rat were face to face. “And you, Prince Francis, have inspired me. The time has finally come to go home. Speak with the king and queen. We have so much to talk about.”

  “Yes. Yes, of course.” Francis exchanged a nervous glance with Gavin, but in the next second, both the prince and pig were hovering off the ground, a cloud of flies beneath each of them.

  “Goodbye, my tower. Though your womb was hard and cold, I will miss you. Don’t let that spiteful moon bully you. And keep all the voices fed or they’ll give you nightmares. Goodbye!”

  And they flew off into the night sky. Toward Trulia. Toward a new beginning.

  6

  “Thank you, my friends. Be free. I will call for you.”

  The flies and rats scattered in every direction, disappearing into the darkness of the night.

  The kingdom of Trulia sat before them in the darkest part of the Dark Wilderness. But even with the inkiness of the sky, the brilliance of Trulia shone as if it contained its own sun within its tall, glorious walls. The height of the royal castle rose up and into the sky, fading off into the blackness above. The kingdom stretched out as far as the eye could see, the walls sparkling and gleaming despite the absence of light. Francis had never seen anything as beautiful and impressive as this. Granada was a shit shack compared to Trulia, and Francis knew at once why so many knights had fought and died to save the princess. To rule Trulia meant to rule the realm.

  “Daaaaaamn,” Francis and Gavin said together, both staring at the golden walls of the kingdom.

  The flies had set them down just outside of the castle walls, the rats scurrying beneath them and clearing the path of any possible danger. The guards standing watch outside the portcullis raised their weapons and shouted, demanding to know who the mysterious band of trespassers was and their purpose.

  The princess giggled as she danced over the lush grass, dove into a patch of flowers and rolled around, tossing petals over her head to flutter back down to her face.

  “Answer me!” one guard said, now stomping toward Francis with his lance held firmly in front of him. His armor shone the same golden color as the walls. “Tell me your purpose before I pierce your belly!”

  “She couldn’t drop us off inside the fuckin’ walls?” Gavin said.

  “Princess?” Francis said, but she was climbing a tree now, licking the bark as she went. Her filthy and emaciated body was clearly visible beneath her tattered clothing, and Francis wanted so desperately to clean her up, cover her nudity.

  When Francis turned his attention away from the princess, his throat was met with sharp metal, dimpling the skin just over his Adam’s apple. The second guard had his lance pointed at Gavin, licking his lips as he glared at the hog.

  “A fat one, this,” he said. “What say we kill this lot, throw them there in the woods and let the animals take care of them, yeah? And we keep the pig for ourselves. Been so long since I had a good hunk of pig. What say you?”

  “Not a bad idea,” the first guard said, then his eyes rolled from Francis up to the princess who was dry humping a tree branch. “Maybe we’ll have a go with her before. Would be such a waste to kill her before we did that.”

  “Dead, alive, what does it matter? My cock’s not picky when it comes to temperature.”

  “You’ve got a point there.”

  “Excuse me!” Francis shoved the lance’s blade away from his neck.

  The guard was so surprised that he actually backed up a step.

  “That woman who you plan to . . . victimize, is your princess. I, Prince Francis of the kingdom Granada, have defeated the goblins and their Goblin Dragon. I have brought the princess back home after more than twenty years of solitary confinement. And I would appreciate some fucking appreciation!”

  “The princess?” the first guard said. He scratched his head, though there was a metal helmet in the way, as he studied the undulating mad woman in the trees. “Her?”

  “That’s right, you yellow-plated faggots. Now quit pointin’ that fuckin’ spear at me.” Gavin snorted and kicked sprays of dirt behind him with his hooves.

  “Granada, you say?” the second guard said. “You’re the one who fancies bendin’ over, you are.”

  “Gods, will I never escape these hideous rumors?”

  “I heard the same.” The first guard said and laughed. “Bet you’ve got an ass as loose as a cow’s mouth.”

  “Princess, if you please,” Francis said, hoping to coax her down while he had the guards’ attention. He would gladly take the abuse if it meant keeping the sharp points of their weapons outside of his skin, but Francis didn’t know how long he could keep them tame.

  The princess acted as if she hadn’t heard him, cackling as Tessa gnawed on a flapping bird. The princess’s legs dangled off the branch, her filthy feet swinging, toenails leaving gouges in the wood.

  “You’re playing us for fools, is that it?” the guard said. “You mean to tell us that you, after the strongest and bravest knights have failed for two decades, defeated the goblins? Slayed the Goblin Dragon, the most ferocious fucking beast in the entire fucking realm? You? Prince Cum-Swallower? And your hog?”

  “Prince!” The princess’s voice burst from the branches, and she dropped back to the earth between Francis and the guard. Tessa’s fur was covered in blood, feathers pasted to the rat’s hide. A yellow bird’s foot dangled from the rat puppet’s mouth. “Who are your friends? Did you conjure them up from your mind world?”

  “Gods,” the guard said, and took yet another step back. H
e lowered his weapon to cover his nose and mouth. “You say this is the princess of Trulia? Whose beauty I have been told stories about since I was a boy? This . . . shit-covered creature?”

  “Trying to play a trick on us, are you?” the second guard said, then prodded Gavin with his blade, inducing a sharp squeal from the pig. “Who sent you here? Are you assassins?”

  “What’s the punishment for talking to royalty with such loose tongues?” Tessa said, letting the crooked leg fall from her mouth.

  “This woman is mad,” the guard said. “And I’ve lost my patience.”

  The guard lunged forward, his lance extended out in front of him. The princess didn’t flinch, didn’t move a muscle as the sharpened death sped her way.

  Francis wanted to help her, save her from being impaled, but he couldn’t force his legs to move. His cowardice filled him with immediate shame.

  The princess calmly reached down between her deflated bosoms and pulled the necklace out from behind the fabric of her tattered shirt. The moonlight caught the stone, and even with the weak silver light, it set it aglow. The guard’s face became red with sparkling illumination, and he quickly halted his approach, dropped his weapon, and fell to his knee. The other guard did the same, both lowering their heads.

  “My princess. Please . . . please forgive me. I did not know . . . I was only trying to—”

  “Can you hear them?” The princess crouched beside the guard, whispering harshly into his ear, her eyes darting in every direction.

  “I’m sorry, my princess, but I hear nothing.”

  “The stars are sick. Can you not hear them sneezing?”

  “Sneezing, my princess?”

  “The princess is tired,” Francis interrupted. “After spending so much time imprisoned with nothing but the flies and rats to keep her company, she needs her rest. Now please stop wasting her time and raise the portcullis.”

  “At once.” The guard stood, bowed one more time before turning toward the other guard. “Hurry up with it! Come on then! You heard the prince. Open the gate!”

  “Yes, sir!” The second guard’s eyes darted from the princess to Francis, then he turned to Gavin and bowed before sprinting toward the kingdom’s golden wall.