Pretty Pretty Princess

by McKenzie, Shane

  “There,” Sonia said. “Those are . . . giants.”

  “Dead giants,” Francis said. “Long dead.”

  Francis and the women backed away from the window all at once. Each of them gagging and doing everything they could to cover their noses and mouths, but it did no good. The odor was so potent and powerful that the hundreds of men carrying the huge stretchers kept dying. Just falling over in the field, their flesh tinged green and their faces twisted with disgust and torture. Others would take their place, only to perish minutes later.

  The giants must have been dead a few months at the very least and left in the sun to ripen. The men carted them across the field, then finally dropped them, running away from them as quickly as they could, though most didn’t make it far enough before choking on the scent.

  As powerful as Pretty’s influence on her pests was, they couldn’t resist the potency of the behemoth corpses. The liquefied, festering flesh pulled them away from Pretty’s powers, and in seconds, the flies and rats plunged into the offerings.

  Though the pests were no longer a threat, the men didn’t rush the tower. They filled the field, still so many that most of them were concealed by the trees, their numbers stretching back into the Dark Wilderness. They stood, facing the tower, and began banging their weapons against their chest plates. The storm of clanging metal was maddening, and Francis and everyone else in the tower huddled together, exchanged glances as if they all realized there was no hope for any of them.

  All but Pretty who still stood in the window. Staring right back at them. The giants’ putrid odor having no effect on her.

  “What now, Princess?” Francis asked, his voice cracking.

  “I’m sorry,” the woman with old eyes said. “I should never have done this.”

  The other women consoled her, whispering reassurances. Sonia caught him looking and moved herself to block his view.

  “Fran,” Gavin said, biting down on Francis’s pant leg and pulling him back. “Let’s get the fuck outta here. Me and you. Right now.”

  “Are you serious?” Francis said, knowing it was what he was supposed to say out loud, but inside he was relieved his friend was thinking the same as him. “And go where?”

  “Doesn’t matter where. We’ve been travelin’ for how long together? Who gives a shit if you’re out of gold? We can make more. Or steal it. Anythin’ but dyin’ in this tower with all these crazy broads. You tried. As much shit as I give you, I was always impressed with your persistence. You did what you could, but that’s over now. Let’s go now while we still got a chance.”

  The women were huddled, whispering to one another. Pretty stood motionless, locking stares with the countless remaining men below. The rhythmic clanging grew in volume and speed as the seconds ticked by.

  “I can’t.”

  “And why the fuck not? Don’t you dare tell me you—”

  “I love her.”

  “Fuck you, you love her. You don’t know her. She’s crazier than a wizard with his wand twisted down his dick hole.”

  “I don’t even know what that means. But it doesn’t matter. None of that matters.”

  “And you’re ready to die for her?”

  “No. I’m not ready to die. But if it comes to that, I’d rather die here with her than die of old age, my heart filled with regret and shame.”

  “Seriously?”

  Francis dropped to his knee and ran his hand gently down the pig’s back. “Gavin, my friend. You have been by my side through everything. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst, and I will never know, or care to know, a better friend than you. If you leave now, I will hold no grudge against you for it. You’re right. Princes for the Ethical Treatment of Princesses is done. My mission failed. But I have a new one now. And I shall use that same persistence to see it through to the end.”

  Gavin sighed, then growled as he stared deep into Francis’s eyes. The pig leaned into him, rubbed his pudgy side against Francis’s leg.

  “Well. I tried. Guess we’re stayin’ then.”

  “Glad to hear it, friend. Besides. My father’s out there somewhere. Don’t tell me you don’t want a chance to watch him beg.”

  Gavin grinned and snorted, tapped his hooves on the stone floor.

  Francis patted the pig on the head, scratched behind his ear, then hurried to the window. Standing next to Pretty, he did his best to hold his breath. The scent of the giants was thick enough to eat. His eyes watered and he fought to keep his gorge down.

  “I’ll ask again,” Francis said. “What now, Princess?”

  Her hand wrapped around his, gently squeezed. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me,” she said, her eyes still straight ahead.

  Francis wasn’t sure which princess he was speaking to, if there even was a difference, but it didn’t matter. He loved her in every form. “Never. I fought to find you and I’ll fight again to keep you.”

  “And what would your father say if he could see his son now?”

  “It is easier to solve the mystery of life and death than to solve my father’s thought process.”

  “Shall we ask him?”

  “Ask him . . . what? Wait. What?”

  The men parted to make way for the kings of every kingdom in the realm. Balthazar strode forward on his horse, wincing with every gallop. And just behind him was the king of Granada. Chin held high, chest puffed out, sitting proudly on his winged, horned steed.

  Even from that distance, Francis could see the joy in his eyes as he rode forward on his way to murder his son.

  12

  “The kings of the realm show themselves,” Pretty said. “It is almost time.”

  “Time for what?” Sonia said, finally breaking from her huddle with the others. “Princess, we are outnumbered. Outmatched. We could have surprised them. Ambushed them. But instead we sat and waited, and this tower of yours has become our tomb.”

  “Wait!” Gavin galloped toward the princess, stood on his hind legs and rested his front hooves on her leg. “The dragon and the goblins. They came back before. Just bring them back, Princess.”

  “It is only the moonlight that can revive the goblins. And there are many hours before the sun is finished atop its blazing throne.”

  Gavin looked out the window, down at the moat. “Well. We’re fucked then. Anyone for a last meal? Still a couple of ducks down there.”

  “Sister!” Balthazar shouted through the jaws of a banshee shark to amplify his voice. “It doesn’t have to be this way! You murdered our father. But I understand. He sent you to this place. Locked you away. Seeking vengeance is natural. I still love you. Always have.”

  “Do not listen to him,” the elder woman said, stepping forward. “His words drip with venom.”

  “And what about my father?” Pretty turned and faced her. “Did Father’s words drip with venom as well, Mother? Is that why you killed him?”

  Francis and Gavin gasped. The women stared at Pretty with squinted eyes, circling the elder woman as if using their bodies as a protective barrier. Pretty’s mother parted them with long, bony hands, walked through them, and removed her mask. Her withered, gray skin looked like scrambled egg whites pasted to her skull, yet she held a trace of beauty and grace about her.

  “How long have you known?” she said, hesitating to approach any further.

  “Since I arrived in Trulia. My pests told me you lived. Why did you pretend to be dead?”

  “Because I couldn’t stand to be around that man another second. Not to mention his son. That boy grew in my womb and was spat out of my body, but there is no trace of me in him. He is as cowardly and hateful as your father always was.”

  “Are you listening up there?” Balthazar’s voice boomed again. “I don’t like to be ignored! Say something! How dare you ignore me!”

  The queen rolled her eyes. “Your father nearly destroyed our kingdom with his stupidity. He should have never been king. I was too cowardly myself to do anything about it until my sweet Sonia told me of
the prophecy. Then I knew what must be done. To protect you, my daughter, and the rest of the realm.”

  “Prophecy? You’re fuckin’ with us, right?” Gavin said. “Don’t we have enough insanity in this fuckin’ story without one of those?”

  “The true queen, ruler of men and beasts, would be rescued by an unlikely hero with a pure heart, and she would fly from her tower and shed new light over the old darkness blanketing the realm. And a new beginning would dawn,” Sonia said. She glanced at Francis, then averted her eyes to the floor. “I thought the prophecy spoke of me all this time. A woman fighting in a man’s world. But it was Francis. Though it is no longer of importance. The prophecy must have been wrong. I see no victory in this war for us.”

  “None of this seems forced to anyone else?” Gavin said, shaking his head and snorting.

  “Quiet,” Francis said and patted him on the head, approaching the queen. “How can I be part of a prophecy? I’m nothing. You say your husband the king was a coward? If my cowardice were a physical thing, I would be as big as those rotting giants out there.”

  “It has nothing to do with your bravery or manhood, Prince Francis. It has only to do with your ability to speak with my daughter. With pure intentions. It was the only way to free her, and you succeeded in that where so many others failed.”

  “Duck shit,” Gavin said. “We saw what she can do. The princess could have left this place any time she wanted. What’d she need Francis’s pansy ass for? Sorry, Fran.”

  “It’s fine. I have the same question.”

  Pretty just stared at her mother, unmoving. Balthazar’s shouts were becoming more and more agitated and high-pitched.

  “The tower is nothing more than stone—”

  “Goblin stone,” Pretty said.

  “Goblin stone. Fine. It doesn’t matter the materials. The prison you freed her from, Francis, was the prison of her own mind.”

  “Lady, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but your daughter has been free from her mind a long time,” Gavin said and chuckled, then quickly shut up when he caught everyone glaring at him.

  “My husband and the other kings thought only the strongest and bravest could defeat the Goblin Dragon and her horde, but I knew better. It wasn’t the goblins they need fear, but Pretty herself. And her pests. And her inability to trust. Even her own thoughts, because of the amount of poison her father poured into her ears since the day she was born.”

  “I spoke with the king the night we arrived. He was sorry for what he did. Genuinely sorry. He even sang me a song about it,” Francis said.

  “Songs are nothing more than rhyming words. It makes them no truer when sung than if they are spoken.”

  “He said that it was you, Queen, who demanded she be sent away.”

  The queen nodded. “It’s true. But only for her own safety. I knew no knight stood a chance against her, but I couldn’t allow her gift to be seen by the others. And I feared her father’s poison would soak into her if she stayed in Trulia. As cruel as it may seem, this tower was best for her.”

  “All of this sounds good. But none of you crazy broads knows what the fuck you’re talkin’ about.”

  “Gavin, please.”

  “No, Fran. The queen of the dead over here talks about doin’ what’s best for her daughter, keepin’ her away from the poisonous king. These ones spit about a prophecy that’s a little too goddamn on the nose if you ask me. But all that talk, all that believin’ in bedtime stories, none of it matters. Because we’re all still stuck in this fuckin’ tower made out of goblin kidney stones or whatever, and those assholes down there are still gonna kill us. So tell me, everybody. What the fuck was the point of any of that?”

  Silence answered Gavin. Pretty lifted Tessa to her mouth, whispered something into the rat’s ear, then turned and faced the window again.

  “Answer me!” Balthazar shouted.

  “I hear you, brother!” Pretty said, her voice needing no banshee shark jaws to amplify it.

  “I was trying to say, my dear sister, that I will let you live as long as you promise to stay in your tower and never show your face in the realm again. If I so much as see a fly buzzing about my breakfast, I shall cut you to pieces and burn you bit by bit to keep me warm at night.”

  “Is that all?” Pretty said.

  “Almost,” Balthazar said. “The others in there with you will die. Hand them over. Every one. I will kill them here in this field before your tower. To make me feel better about all that has transpired. Then, sweet sister, we can call the score even. And go our separate ways. Forever!”

  Pretty spun and faced her mother. “What do you think about that, Mother?”

  “You have been through enough, Pretty. The decision is yours.”

  “Now wait just a goddamn—”

  Francis grabbed Gavin and held him close, doing his best to hold his mouth shut. Pretty quickly glanced at Francis, narrowed her eyes, then smiled. Francis couldn’t help but return it.

  “Balthazar?”

  “Yes, sister? Do you have an answer for me?”

  “Yes. You will die today. You and the rest of the men you brought with you. But what I have to say is not for you or the other kings behind you. It’s for the soldiers who fight for you. Lay down your weapons and join me. Become a Warrior of the New Realm! Do this and no harm will come to you. Or hold tightly to your pride and die beside your kings!”

  Pretty side-glanced at Francis and he beamed at her.

  “Pretty, if you try and fight them, you will surely die. All of us will,” the queen said.

  “I had to make sure about you, Mother. I feared you and your masked women came to trick me. I’m glad to see I was wrong. Sending me here was a mistake, but I forgive you. You were only trying to protect me. I understand having a daughter with my abilities filled you with fear and confusion. But it was love that guided your decisions, and for that, I can never hold a grudge.” She strode across the floor and hugged her mother, kissed her on the cheek. Then she faced Francis. “But mostly, I needed to test the prince’s heart. To see how truly pure it was. Show him an imminent death, fill him to the brim with fear to see if he would abandon me. But here you are, Francis. Just like I knew you would be.”

  She quickened her pace, then ran, collided with him. Francis tried to keep his balance, but tipped backward, the princess crashing on top of him, then planting a hard kiss on his lips. His eyes burst wide, then glazed over as he kissed her back, gripping the back of her head.

  Tessa hissed at Gavin. “You fuck this up, pig, and you’ll be served at the wedding.”

  “Still with the pig-eatin’ jokes?”

  “Princess?” Sonia’s voice. “As sweet as this is, it does not change the situation. They are coming.”

  “Your mouth tastes like ripe fruit,” Pretty whispered to Francis. “And your kiss makes the bees in my head cry honey tears.”

  “Good to have you back, Princess. I’ve missed you.”

  “I don’t know what’s real or what’s not real, Prince. I only know that I like how I feel when I’m with you.”

  “I’ll gladly die with you. We can spend eternity together.”

  “We’re not dying today.”

  Pretty stood, helped Francis to his feet, then kissed him again. She strolled calmly to the window where Sonia was waiting, pointing at the oncoming wave of unicorns, their monstrous whinnying like a hellish thunderstorm rolling across the sky.

  “Without the dragon, we stand no chance against them,” Sonia said.

  Pretty giggled. Leaned her head out the window and looked south. “Quack,” she said. “Quack, quack, quackitty quack.”

  “The crazy thing isn’t cute anymore,” Gavin said.

  The ducks answered her, their quacks normal at first, then deepening as if their beaks were portals to the underworld. They launched themselves into the air, spraying moat water behind them as they rocketed up. Their glistening, feathered bodies became blurs of color as their speed increased. When they expl
oded forward, the force blew everyone in the tower off their feet.

  The first duck speared into the leading unicorn, rainbow-colored blood spraying from the other side as it burst through. As the beast whined and nosedived, the duck spun back around and penetrated the rider, plunging through the armor as if it was made of mud.

  “Francis. When you’re king. We’re getting’ some fuckin’ ducks,” Gavin said, cackling as he watched the second duck zoom through two more unicorns.

  In seconds, the sky was clear, the beasts and their riders lying in heaps on the ground, surrounded by multi-colored blood puddles. As exhilarating as the sight was, it was nothing compared to the grief-ridden shriek from the king of Granada.

  “My darlings!” he shouted, dismounting and sprinting toward the corpses. “My sweet, glorious babies!”

  “Aren’t you gonna say anythin’, I don’t know, epic right about now?” Gavin asked Francis, pointing toward the sniveling king who banished them both.

  “Maybe later. I’m enjoying this too much.”

  The field was dead silent besides the bawling Granada King. Balthazar unsheathed his sword, winced and shifted his position on the saddle, then raised his blade high.

  “Kill them all!”

  13

  “Can your ducks defeat an army of this size?” the queen asked, smiling as she watched the men sprint toward the tower.

  “We have more friends than ducks, Mother,” Pretty said. “The prince brought friends with him when he came to rescue me. Should we ask them for help?”

  “Those men died fighting the goblins, Princess. They gave their lives so that I could save yours.”

  “And so he could lose his virginity. Starts to weigh you down after a while, don’t it, Fran?” Gavin said. “What? Thought we were all bein’ truthful and shit.”

  “Everybody stand back,” Tessa said, and the princess extended the rat puppet out the window.

  As the rat lifted its tiny arms and squeaked and chattered, a purple glow began to brighten around it, swirling over it like a lavender dust devil.

  The trees shook. The men toward the rear of the army, pouring out of the Dark Wilderness, stopped and turned to face the rumbling. Purple light exploded from the forest and into the sky, dwarfing the sun’s brightness.