Desperately Seeking Epic

by B. N. Toler

  Vanessa and Ally go and hide in the kitchen just before Clara opens the door to enter. She first notices Neena with her camera and chuckles just before she crosses her eyes and sticks her tongue out.

  “The camera loves it, Mom,” Neena jokes.

  “They say I was made for it,” Clara jests back. She tilts her head and assesses Neena. “You look like you’re feeling well tonight.”

  “I am,” Neena beams.

  Clara looks to me and smiles. It’s not just a greeting, it feels like there’s meaning behind it. I tilt my head and give her a questioning look. But she shakes her head as if to say, later.

  Neena is still filming her, and Marcus and I are watching her every move. Clara freezes, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. “What’s going on, guys?”

  “Nothing,” I chirp. That’s right. I’m chirping. No shame in my game. “We just missed you is all.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah, we did,” Neena agrees.

  Walking to her, I lean in and kiss her softly. And she lets me. I move closer to the shell of her ear. “We’re not the only ones that have missed you.”

  “No?” she questions, her smile flirty, her eyes darting from Neena back to me as she blushes. Does she think I’m being dirty right now; talking about my dick? Shit, now I am thinking dirty. Damn it.

  “Come on in, guys,” Neena shouts toward the kitchen.

  Clara’s eyes widen when she glances at me with uncertainty, but when she looks toward the kitchen and sees Ally and Vanessa walk out, her face lights up. Like a Christmas tree lights up. I did good, I think to myself. And almost pat myself on the back. In a flash the three women are in a circle hugging, jumping up and down as they squeal like children. Neena is laughing as she films while Marcus and I just stand back and watch the craziness. That sound, her laugher, is the epitome of my greatest joy.

  Neena looks over to me and mouths, “Thank you, Dad.”

  I give her a wink and look back to Clara, feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I knew this would make her day. Seeing Neena so freaking happy is the cherry on the top of the sundae.

  “Did you drive?” Clara asks as she pulls away from her friends and wipes the happy tears from her face.

  “We flew,” Ally says, annoyed as she cuts a sharp look to Vanessa.

  Clara snorts in disbelief. “What?”

  “I had to tranquilize her like a wild animal, but she made it,” Ally says, dryly, speaking of Vanessa.

  “I’ve never been so scared,” Vanessa confesses, placing a hand to her chest.

  Ally rolls her eyes. “If I had heard help me, Jesus one more time on that plane, I would’ve been escorted off in handcuffs.”

  Vanessa laughs. “It wasn’t that bad.”

  “Yes, it was.”

  Clara’s happy expression seems to droop for a moment as she stares at her friends.

  “What’s wrong, girl?” Vanessa inquires immediately, in a concerned fashion, as she wraps an arm around Clara’s shoulders.

  “I just can’t believe you guys are here,” she murmurs. “And you flew, Vanessa. I can’t believe it. Thank you, guys.”

  Ally and Vanessa smile from ear to ear and hug Clara. When they pull away again, Ally says, “Thank Paul. He arranged all of this. Paid for our tickets, too.”

  Clara spins around and meets my stare. I give her a little shrug. “I wanted to do something nice for you. You need some me time.”

  She grins and moves toward me in a hurry until she’s in my arms, hugging me. “Thank you for this. Thank you so, so much for this.”

  “Well there’s more,” I tell her, waggling my brows.

  “There is?”

  “You and your besties are heading out for a day at the beach tomorrow. I booked a room and everything.”

  Clara immediately shrinks away from me. “An overnight trip?”

  “Yes,” I tell her. “I know you are worried about leaving Neena, but I’m here. I will take good care of her.”

  Clara shakes her head. “No, I can’t do an overnight trip. It’s really sweet of you, Paul, but I can’t.”

  “Yes you can, Mom,” Neena cuts in. “Besides, I’d like some father-daughter time with Dad.”

  Clara pinches her lips together, not liking the idea of leaving Neena at all. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  Mei-ling joins us and we grill out and have an amazing dinner. Vanessa and Ally tell embarrassing stories about Clara and Neena eats up every bit of it. She loves hearing about her mom, before she was a mother. Clara wears a smile the entire evening and seems relaxed for the first time in a long time. I couldn’t be more grateful to Vanessa and Ally for coming. One can never get too much support. These women are practically her family.

  After we clean up from dinner and Marcus and Mei-ling head home, Clara gets busy trying to make sleeping arrangements for everyone.

  “We’re sleeping down here with Neena,” Ally informs her as she grabs her suitcase and moves it toward the stairs.

  “No, we have a guest room,” Clara insists. Looks like I’m sleeping in Clara’s room.

  “We’re having a slumber party.” Vanessa grins as she squeezes Neena to her.

  “We’re going to do makeovers and paint each other’s nails. A pair of your underwear might end up in the freezer,” Ally laughs.

  “Well I can join in, too,” Clara says.

  “Not tonight,” Vanessa quickly argues. “Tonight is girl time with Neena. We want you to . . . relax.”

  “I think you two could use a good night’s rest,” Ally giggles wildly as she winks a bunch of times, looking like she has Tourette’s. It’s not hard to miss what she’s implying.

  Clara cuts her gaze to me and shakes her head as she smirks. Her friend is a nut.

  “Subtle,” I chuckle.

  I’m not sure if this is hurting Clara’s feelings or not. Her expression is uncertain, but when Neena walks up to her and hugs her with a giant grin on her face, Clara finally smiles. “Okay. But no calling boys,” she jokes. “Or prank calls.”

  “Seriously?” Ally groans. “You’re no fun.”

  When all the beds are made and everyone is in their pajamas, Clara and I finally head up to her bed to the sound of our daughter giggling as Ally and Vanessa cackle. I follow Clara into her bedroom, and shut the door behind us, locking it.

  It’s been weeks since we were really intimate together. Our one time when Neena busted in on us was the last time. We’ve kissed and held hands since then, but there’s been so much going on I don’t think either of us has had the energy for anything more.

  Clara’s nervous. It’s written all over her. Her fingers are knotted together, her lower lip between her teeth. The last thing I want is for her to feel pressured. Hell, I don’t mind just being her human pillow for the night.

  “Nothing has to happen tonight,” I tell her. “I didn’t plan the slumber party or anything.”

  Clara lets out a long sigh. “I want to. It’s just . . . been a long time.”

  My heart pounds faster. She wants to. She wants me. I step toward her and see her tremble slightly. Her nervousness is sexy as fuck to me. She remembers what we’re like in bed. We’re liable to claw at each other like animals.

  “I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

  “Paul.” She lets out a lengthy breath. “I need this. I just feel so . . . unsexy. I’ve been in mother mode for years. It’s hard to turn it off.” She closes her eyes and takes another deep breath. “I’m not what I was when we were together years ago. My body is different.”

  “I don’t know what you see when you look in the mirror, Clara. But I see a woman that has danced in and out of my mind for the past thirteen years. A woman that no matter how hard I tried, I could never replace. I have never wanted another woman the way I want you, then and now. And here you are, beautiful and nervous. No more holding back. I need you. I. Want. You. I didn’t think there was anything that could make me want you more . . . love you more. But I was wrong.” />
  “You were?”

  “Not only are you the sexiest woman to me. You’re the mother of my child, Clara. Your body and my body joined together and made that beautiful little girl. You carried her; my baby. Inside of you.” I struggle for a beat, swallowing hard, and rub my cheeks as the emotion overwhelms me. “You can’t understand how much that turns me on. I want you to feel what you are. I want you to see what I see.”

  Her chest rises and falls as she watches me. “I don’t know if that’s possible,” she utters softly. “Just . . . I need you to guide me. I’ll overthink everything if you don’t.”

  A strong wave of nostalgia washes over me as I remember the woman that wore an exterior of fearlessness and determination. She came off intimidating to most men. Maybe even to me at first. But alone, naked, in bed . . . she was something else. She let go, gave in, succumbed completely. And it was so fucking beautiful. She was the kind of lover I never knew I wanted until I had her. To have someone place so much trust in me; to let me give and take the way I needed to because pleasing me was her pleasure. She was steel and titanium to the world, but in the throes of passion, she handed over her power, like a gift, trusting me with it. And I treasured it. She was submissive and no woman has ever made me feel like more of a man in bed than she did. I will make her remember that woman; I will make her see what I see.

  “Come here,” I order her, my voice automatically deep and husky.

  Her tongue darts out and runs quickly over her pink lips. But she does as I say and moves in front of me. “Take my shirt off,” I rasp.

  Her blue eyes dart to mine, a flicker of fear mixed with excitement in them. Her hands shake slightly as she reaches up and begins to unbutton my shirt from the collar down. When she’s done, she brings it up and slips it over my shoulders so it falls to the floor. She’s softly panting as her hands brush over my chest, her eyes fixed on her delicate fingers as she reacclimatizes herself with territory she once knew well.

  “Arms up,” I tell her. Hesitantly, she raises her arms and I tug her shirt off and fling it away. She lowers her arms to her sides and as I reach around to unhook her bra, I kiss the crook of her neck and shoulder. She lets out a hiss, her chest arching toward me, pressing to my body. So beautiful. Stepping back, I watch in awe as she lets her bra slip from her breasts and down her arms. Her pink nipples are budding, the swelling making her desire evident. She’s always had the softest skin, perfectly creamy and soft.

  “Turn and look at yourself in the mirror.” She blinks a few times, the uncertainty in her eyes begging me to stop this, but does as I say. She’s facing her full-length mirror, in the corner of her room, as I move behind her, pressing myself to her ever so slightly. She’s shaking.

  “Look at you, Clara,” I growl as I run my fingers down her arm. “This perfect skin, those beautiful breasts. Look at how beautiful you are, baby.”

  Her gaze tentatively meets mine in the reflection of the mirror. “Don’t look at me. Not yet,” I tell her. “I want you to see how fucking exquisite you are.” I trail a hand back up her arm, her skin pebbling with my touch. “With your right hand, touch your breast.”

  Her small hand softly glides up her body and gently gropes her breast. Her eyes flutter with the contact, but she keeps them open, staring at herself, just as I told her to. My dick is straining against my pants as I watch her. How can she not know she’s so fucking sexy? Pulling away, I turn and quickly remove my pants and boxers. My dick is at full stance, hard as fuck. It’s been so long since I’ve had her, and I feel like I’m about to combust with want. But this must happen slowly. Pulling the chair from her bureau, I place it behind her and sit so that my face is perfectly align with her ass.

  “Undo your pants, Clara.” Her shoulders rise and fall with each breath she takes, but she unbuttons them and moves her arms to her sides again. So nervous and sweet. I hook my fingers on the waistband of her pants and panties, tugging them down her legs. She gasps and momentarily glances back at me before she steps out of them and I shove them aside. Her ass still looks amazing. Age and having a kid haven’t changed it much at all. Gritting my teeth, I let my fingers glide up the backs of her legs until they’re just below her cheeks. Suddenly not shy, she arches her back so her ass pushes toward me, hungry for more of my touch. There’s my girl. I give her right cheek a hard slap, her flesh giving the slightest jiggle, driving me fucking nuts. She moans with the sting and I quickly grab her ass with both hands and massage it roughly.

  “Do you like that?”

  “Yes,” she breathes.

  “Look at yourself, Clara,” I demand as I peek around the side of her to see her reflection. “Put your arms up.” She raises them and crosses them behind her head. I hold her hips and kiss her lower back before bending slightly and biting one of her ass cheeks. She yelps, causing me to shush her, and when I see her reflection again, her eyes are closed, her mouth parted as she breathes heavily.

  “Open, Clara,” I tell her.

  “I can’t,” she moans, letting her head fall back. “It feels too good.”

  My grip stills on her waist, and I turn her to face me. Her eyes fly open and find my gaze before moving down to my dick. Her eyes flex at the sight of it, rich with desire. I wrap my hand around it and stroke slowly. “You see what you do to me, Clara? That’s all you. This is all yours. Tell me it’s yours,” I rasp.

  “It’s m-mine,” she stutters.

  She’s transfixed; she can’t look away. “Touch yourself.”

  Her hand moves between her legs, her thin fingers sliding delicately along her pink flesh.

  “Damn, that’s beautiful, Clara. Watching you touch yourself, fuck, it turns me on. How does it feel?”

  “Soft and wet,” she whimpers. “So wet.”

  My self-control snaps. I can’t take it anymore. I need her. I need to be inside of her. I grip her waist and twist her so she’s facing the mirror again and pull her toward me. “Time to take what’s yours, baby.”

  She reaches back between her legs, her hand finding my erection, making me hiss and groan at the same time. Lowering herself, she runs the head of my cock along her warm slickness before finding her entrance and dropping slowly on my shaft. Her head falls forward as she moves down, and once she’s fully seated on me, she lets out a series of moans that sound somewhere between complete pleasure and relief. My hands are squeezing her waist as she stills and we both take a few seconds to get our wits about us. We want this to last. Easy does it. Slow and steady. Reaching around, I find her chin and raise it, holding her face so she’s forced to look in the mirror.

  “Watch us,” I growl hoarsely. Then, hands on her hips, I raise and lower her, ever so slowly. I can see around her, watch what she’s watching. There’s something so erotic about watching my dick as it slides in and out of her. She pants as we move, releasing little mews here and there. She’s holding back. She wants to cry out, but we can’t. We can’t get too loud. We both know this. We have people downstairs that could hear.

  “Fuck that looks good,” I growl. “My dick inside of you, those perfect nipples, those beautiful breasts. Do you like how that looks?”

  “Yes.” She groans in pleasure. “I love it.”

  “Do you see it? Do you see what I see?”

  “Yes,” she pants, her head rolling down to her side as the pleasure overtakes her.

  “Tell me you’re beautiful. Tell me you see it.”

  “I see it,” she whimpers. “I-I’m beautiful.”

  With that, I pull her off of me and spin her around so she’s facing me. Clara needed to be reminded of what she is; who she is. She’s not just a mother. She’s a beautiful, sexy woman. I wanted her to see that. But now, I need something, too. I need her to show me something.

  “Now tell me you love me.”

  She blinks a few times, a little thrown. She swallows hard, her breathing still erratic, before she steps toward me and threads her fingers in my hair. Bending down, she kisses me, then whispers, “I lov
e you, Paul James.”

  “Show me.”

  She straddles me and slips me back inside of her, sensually moving us back and forth, as she whispers, “I love you,” over and over again.

  Paul has literally just pushed me out the front door. I’m standing on the porch, facing him, as he stands in the doorway, blocking my reentrance.

  “You’ll call me if anything comes up, right?” I question. I’ve asked him this a million times already, but one more time can’t hurt.

  “Clara,” he sighs exhaustedly as he lets his head thump against the door. “I swear I will call you if she so much as farts.”

  “Dad!” Neena shrieks from where she’s standing behind him.

  “Sorry, princess,” he calls over his shoulder.

  Neena pokes her head out between his body and the doorframe. “Go, Mom,” she insists. “Have fun!”

  “Come on,” Ally hollers from the car, her head hanging out the passenger side window. “Vanessa peed like twenty minutes ago. That means we’ll have to stop in about an hour.”

  Paul shrugs as if to say, guess you gotta go. I huff. I woke up this morning feeling on top of the world. Our night together was incredible, and somehow better than years ago when we were younger. I climbed out of bed happy and determined. Determined not to go on this trip. I love my friends and would love to go away with them for a beach night, but my kid is sick. She needs me. How could I even consider leaving her?

  These are the points I argued to everyone this morning. It was taken to a vote: 4–1. I lost. Six against me if you count that they tried to count Marcus and Mei-ling as mail-in votes. Neena’s phone rings from inside the house and she quickly utters, “Bye, Mom. Love you,” before she rushes away to answer it.

  Paul steps out onto the porch and takes my face in his hands. He kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my chin, and then my mouth. “I promise I’ll take good care of her. Please go have fun.” Then he kisses me again, long and slow, his fingers sliding up into my hair. When he pulls away, my body feels limp. His dark eyes beam onto mine as he grins. Fucker. He knows I’m like putty in his hands. “Last night was amazing,” he whispers with a smirk. “Let’s do it again real soon.