Keeping Sam

by Joanne Phillips

  ‘It’s like you haven’t seen him for weeks,’ one of the mothers remarked, laughing when Kate swept Sam off his feet and held his soft cheek to hers.

  You have no idea, Kate thought.

  Too soon, the session was over, and Kate said a tearful goodbye to Sam, who regarded her thoughtfully, clinging onto her skirt with both fists.

  ‘Bye bye,’ he said, staring up into her face. ‘Bye bye, Mummy.’

  Kate walked away, her hand over her mouth, trying to contain all the joy and the pain that threatened to spill over. He had called her Mummy. She wanted to shout it to the world; she wanted to dance and jump with pure pleasure, even while her heart was breaking at having to leave him all over again.

  Out in the street, she started to walk in the direction of Bow Hill. A black car, low and gleaming, pulled up alongside her. A man’s voice called her name. She stopped and glanced to her side.

  Grinning at her from the driver’s seat, one tanned arm leaning out of the window, was Evan.

  ‘Give you a lift somewhere?’ he enquired mildly.

  Kate fought the urge to run. It was ridiculous: this was Evan. He was Sam’s father, and although he’d hurt her deeply many, many times, there was no need for her to feel so repelled at the sight of him. Kate had to admit it was partly because she was afraid of her own reactions. He had always been able to charm her, just like Big Tony charmed Marie. One twist of that mobile mouth of his, one flash of those blue eyes, and she was putty in his hands.

  Not anymore. She was determined not to fall for it again, even if it would help her to get Sam back. She would be cool and polite, not shivering and emotional, and then Evan would see that she was over him once and for all.

  ‘Sure,’ she said, smiling blandly. She walked around to the passenger door, noticing that Evan didn’t leap out of the car to open it the way Patrick would have. Patrick was worth ten of Evan, and the thought gave her a frisson of excitement. She hugged it to herself, and hid it away to think about later. Right now she had an ex to deal with.

  ***

  Evan didn’t drive her straight back to Bow Hill, but Kate wasn’t surprised at this. She recognised that he needed to talk to her and found she didn’t begrudge him that. It would be good to clear the air. Plus she wanted to find out what her mother was up to.

  Whether or not she could trust Evan to tell her the truth was another matter.

  He headed out on the south road, and for a while she watched the ocean churn and boil below them, smelling the salt on the air, feeling oddly calm. He asked if she’d eaten lunch yet, and only nodded when she told him she wasn’t hungry. There was a tea room up on the cliff not far away, and Kate was surprised to find herself suggesting they stopped there for a drink. Evan nodded again, then steered off the main road and began to round the head of the bay.

  ‘Evan,’ Kate said smoothly, glad to hear that her voice was in check, ‘I’d really like to know what you’re doing here. I mean, what you’re really doing here.’

  ‘Well, because you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you,’ he said, smiling across at her. ‘You really do look lovely, you know. Although I think being in a coma is taking beauty sleep a bit too far.’

  Kate smiled in spite of herself. ‘I’m glad you can joke about it, Evan. It hasn’t been much fun for me. Especially waking up and finding out that my own mother has stolen my son.’

  He glanced at her again; she could feel his eyes on her body, appraising, measuring. She wished he’d keep his gaze on the road ahead – driving up here always made her nervous, with the road so close to the edge of the cliffs, nothing but a flimsy barrier between you and the rocks far below.

  ‘Sorry,’ Evan said, causing Kate to stare at him in astonishment. He was apologising? Well, that was a first. ‘But,’ he continued, ‘don’t you think you’re giving your mum a bit of a hard time? I mean, she didn’t exactly steal your son. She’s just borrowed him for a while.’

  Another sideways glance told her that Evan was joking again, and suddenly she felt tired of him, tired of the way he could never take anything seriously, not even something as serious as this.

  ‘Sam isn’t only my son,’ she said.

  ‘Well, quite,’ Evan agreed. ‘Which is why your darling mother contacted me in the first place.’

  ‘And you still haven’t told me why that was,’ Kate reminded him. ‘Despite just saying that you would.’

  ‘It’s obvious, isn’t it? I’ve come for my son.’

  Kate felt a chill creep up her spine. ‘What do you mean, you’ve come for your son? If she won’t give him to me she certainly won’t give him to you.’

  ‘What makes you think that?’

  ‘Evan, stop playing with me. I don’t deserve this. You abandoned Sam and me, you left us with nothing – no money, no food, nothing. You knew I was struggling, that I needed you, but you left anyway. And I haven’t heard a thing from you until now. Don’t I deserve to have at least one proper conversation where you tell it like it really is?’

  ‘You could have had that on Saturday, Kate my darling. But your new boyfriend put paid to that.’

  ‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ she said hotly. She was about to say more, but caught herself in time. It was obvious what he was doing; he’d always known how to play with her emotions.

  ‘Evan, please stop trying to wind me up. Let’s just discuss this like grown-ups, okay?’

  ‘Sure, Kate. Whatever you say.’

  He swung the car into a parking space, then turned to face her head on. ‘But you really do look good, Kate. You’re wasted on the country bumpkins around here.’

  Kate sighed, already exhausted. Being with Evan was like sparring with a shadow. She said, ‘What does my mother want you to do for her?’

  ‘Straight to the point, same as always. Why do you think she wants me to do anything for her?’ He laughed as Kate narrowed her eyes at him. ‘Okay, fine. She wants me to help her, of course. Why else would she track me down and fly me here to this dump?’

  He waved his arm to take in the car park at the top of the cliff and everything around it. Kate thought again how different they were: he really was a city boy, comfortable only with the throb of traffic and the dirty grey air and the clamour of thousands of people all rammed into one small space. She could see only beauty here, although it was a beauty she had long forgotten.

  ‘And how, precisely, does she want you to help her?’ Kate asked, her voice steady and patient.

  For the first time, Evan looked uncomfortable. Kate knew it was her calm assurance that was throwing him, and she determined to keep it up, no matter how much he provoked her.

  ‘Go on,’ she said, smiling. ‘Whatever it is, I won’t blame you. After all, you’re only doing what’s best for Sam, right?’

  ‘Right,’ Evan agreed, but now he didn’t sound so sure. ‘Well, she wants me to, like, testify or something. Tell the court what you used to do – what we used to do – back in Manchester.’

  ‘I see.’ It was only what Kate had expected, but she was still shocked at her mother’s capacity for pure self-interest. ‘And are you going to do that?’

  Evan shrugged. ‘If they swear me in, Kate, I’ll have to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the –’

  ‘It’s not a bloody criminal court,’ she snapped. ‘You won’t be interrogated by lawyers in white wigs.’ But then she wondered if Evan was right – was that how it would be on the day? And if so, where would Evan’s testimony leave her? Looking very bad, that was for sure. Coupled with the police report Elizabeth had shown her, she would look very bad indeed.

  ‘I haven’t said I’ll do it,’ Evan told her. He reached across and laid his hand lightly on her knee. ‘I’ve got no desire to hurt you.’

  ‘Shall we get that drink now?’ Kate threw open the car door and made her escape. But once she was outside in the fresh air she couldn’t face sitting indoors again. She didn’t want to be confined with Evan, was already dreading the short journey home. She
thought, not for the first time, that as soon as she had Sam back and had sorted herself out financially she would need to learn to drive and look out for a cheap car. She couldn’t be dependent on taxis and buses and lifts forever. She wanted to be self-sufficient, to have to rely on no one.

  She suggested a walk along the cliff, but Evan baulked at his; clearly he wasn’t used to the fresh air or the bracing wind, and was already turning up the collar of his shirt against it. They returned to the car, and this time Evan did open her door first.

  ‘Kate, can I ask you something?’

  She paused, her hand resting lightly on the roof of the car. ‘Sure. Go ahead.’

  ‘Why do you want Sam back so badly? I mean, you could have it all now. Your mum looking after him for you, while you get your life back on track, live a little, all the while having the best of both worlds. Why are you so set on making it harder for yourself?’

  Kate bit back a retort, realising that for once he was deadly serious. ‘You really don’t know, do you? You have no desire to be with your son, never have had.’ She shook her head. It was unbelievable – or at least it would be, if this was anyone other than him. ‘Let me ask you something, Evan. Have you seen Sam yet? Has she let you meet him?’

  He shrugged. ‘He was in bed when I went round. I’m sure I’ll see him soon.’

  ‘And that’s it? You’re not curious, you don’t feel a pull, an attachment? Nothing at all?’

  ‘I’m not like you, Kate. My life is more … fluid.’

  Well, that was one way of putting it. Kate regarded him for a moment, considering.

  ‘You asked me a straight question, so I’ll give you a straight answer. I want Sam back because he belongs with me. Because the world will always feel wrong until he’s by my side again. He’s mine, and I love him with all my heart. Every moment I’m away from him is like a knife in my heart. And the only freedom I want in my life is the freedom to be with my son. Does that answer your question?’

  Evan stepped closer. She could smell his aftershave, the same type he’d always used, although for the life of her she couldn’t remember what it was called. Some memories weren’t worth clinging onto, after all.

  ‘I admire that, Kate. I really do. And you know, just because your mother asked me to speak up for her, doesn’t mean I have to. It would be just as easy for me say that you never smoked pot, that you were a model citizen. I’d do it,’ he said, stepping closer still, ‘if you asked me to.’

  Kate tried to shift away from him, but she was trapped against the car. ‘I don’t want you to lie in court, Evan. Just tell the truth. I’ve done nothing I need to be ashamed of – plenty of people make mistakes when they’re younger. They still go on to be good parents. I’ve got no desire to be painted as some kind of paragon. I’m just me. The fact that I’m Sam’s mum will be enough.’

  ‘Will it, though?’ Evan murmured, his breath touching her face. ‘Your mother is a very determined lady. I wouldn’t bet against her, if I were you.’

  ‘You’re not me,’ Kate countered. She fought the urge to push him away, not wanting to spark a fight – she knew how volatile Evan could be. Like her father. They were so similar. Addictive personalities, a penchant for losing themselves in intoxication, a tendency to fly off the handle when things didn’t go their way. She forced a smile onto her face, keeping it light. ‘I have nothing to give you, Evan. Whatever you choose to do, it’s up to you. Just try not to make it any worse for Sam. That’s all I ask.’

  ‘I wouldn’t say you have nothing to give.’ Evan pushed himself against her, but then moved away so quickly she had no time to react. In a flash he had rounded the car and was sitting in the driver’s seat, grinning up at her inanely. ‘Get in, then. About time I got you home.’

  Kate slipped into the car and strapped herself in. Her head was reeling; but wasn’t this what it was always like being around Evan? Like being on a roller coaster in high winds, the earth falling away then lurching back at you, only to fall away again. He drove back along the coast road with his elbow leaning out of the open window, his hair blowing back from his clear, untroubled brow. It was only when they pulled up outside the house on Bow Hill that he brought Sam up again, and this time Kate was completely unprepared.

  ‘You know,’ he said, staying her hand as she began to undo her seat belt, ‘the perfect solution would be for you and me to give it another go. Your mother needn’t know anything about it – I could let her think I was on her side right until the day of the court hearing. And then we could be a proper family again. It would be just like old times, Kate. You and me – we were good together, you can’t deny it.’

  ‘And what about the money?’ Kate said. ‘I haven’t got any, Evan. I know she’s paying you to do this for her. I’m not stupid. I know you too well.’

  He shrugged. ‘Like I said, she doesn’t need to know. We’ll take her money and use it to set ourselves up somewhere. I’ve got a mate in Scotland, he’s got this business idea – a sure-fire winner. It’s different this time. Totally above board. And you’ll be far away from her, you and Sam. You’d never have to face her again.’

  Kate looked out of the window. She saw the net curtain at Marie’s window shift a little. What would Marie say about an offer like this? Kate looked back at Evan. ‘You don’t want me and Sam, not really. If you did, you’d have come back for me before.’

  ‘I was in a mess, Kate. I got in … I was in a bit of trouble before you and I broke up. To be honest, it was why I took off. I didn’t want you and Sam to be involved. There was this bloke, he was bad news – I mean, really bad news. I knew if he found out I had a missus and a kid he’d have leverage over me. So I did the decent thing and legged it.’ He gazed at her, his eyes wide and clear. ‘I did it because I love you.’

  Kate laughed. ‘Oh, you are very good. Did she help you make up that story? It’s very plausible, I’ll give you that. But a total load of bollocks.’

  ‘No, Kate. It’s the truth. I always intended coming back for you. It just took a little longer than I planned.’

  ‘Well, why didn’t you tell me? You just took off after a row, Evan. I do remember that much – the bang on the head didn’t wipe out my memory completely.’

  ‘It didn’t?’ He was silent for a moment. She thought she saw real concern in his eyes, but she could have been wrong. Lord knows, she’d been wrong before. ‘So, do the police have any idea who did this to you?’ he said, clenching his fists on the steering wheel. ‘I’d like to get my hands on them, the low-life bastards.’

  ‘They’re totally in the dark. You know about the drugs, right? That were found in the flat?’

  Evan nodded. ‘Your mother mentioned that.’

  ‘I bet she did. What she probably didn’t tell you is that I have no idea how they got there. I’d left that behind me. You know I had.’

  He said nothing, but for a moment Kate saw a kind of sadness pass across his face. She felt for him, if only a little. Evan was a mess, despite the sharp designer shirt and the swept back hair and the luminous sports car. She wondered whether his offer was genuine. Although there would have to be something in it for him, something she hadn’t figured out yet. With Evan, there was always a price to pay.

  ‘Say I agreed, Evan. Say I came with you to Scotland and started again, you, me and Sam. How do I know I could trust you? You’ve let me down before. What’s to stop you doing it again?’

  He held out his hands, palms up. ‘But you can’t lose, Kate. You get your son back and you’re free of your mother. Plus you get one up on her, which – after the way she’s treated you – seems like reason enough for me.’ He dropped his voice and inched closer. ‘It was never really over for us, Kate. Not really. You’ve always been the one and only for me. And if you’re honest with yourself, you know I’m the only one for you.’ He leaned towards her, his body clearing the console that separated the seats, and before Kate knew what was happening he was kissing her, one hand behind her head, the other cradling her ch
eek. His kiss was gentle but insistent, and Kate could feel her body responding as though out of habit; that touch, that scent, the flick of his tongue inside her mouth. The curve of his shoulders as her own hands reached out to hold him, momentarily forgetting everything, only feeling, remembering.

  But then the spell was broken. She heard a door slam in the street, and she pushed herself out of Evan’s embrace in time to see Patrick walking away from them, heading down the hill towards the beach. He was wearing his khaki shorts and a tight white T-shirt, and Kate felt her stomach lurch all over again. Patrick didn’t look back, but he didn’t have to. Kate could tell by the way he held his head, by the tightness of his gait, that he had seen them.

  She turned to Evan and shook her head. ‘You shouldn’t have done that.’

  ‘I know,’ he said, but he was grinning broadly, clearly not sorry at all.

  ‘You’ve only been back a couple of days. You can’t just throw all this at me, and then dive on me and expect us to take up where we left off.’

  ‘I know,’ he said again.

  She grabbed her bag and told him goodbye, scrabbling to get out of the car before he could grab her again. Patrick was halfway down the street now, but still he hadn’t turned around. She wished he’d come back so she could explain. She thought about running after him, but then she realised how ridiculous that would look.

  ‘Will you think about it?’ Evan called, still leaning across the passenger seat. Kate rolled her eyes, but she nodded.

  ‘I might. But don’t pressure me. And stay away from my mother.’

  He gave her a salute, then fired up the engine and pulled out from the kerb.

  ‘Just don’t make anything worse than it already is,’ Kate called, but Evan was already speeding away.

  No matter. Kate already knew what she was going to do. This was her son’s life they were talking about, not some kind of game.

  And her mother would not be pulling anyone’s strings, least of all Evan’s.

  Chapter 17

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Barbara said. She looked around outside for her daughter but the social worker was alone.