Unparalleled

by D. S. Smith

  “That is when I was able to grieve, once I knew she was going to be ok. We grew closer and closer as she grew up. Not just like mother and daughter but like friends. I know that might not sound so surprising but you have to realise I was fifty by then, having had Lauren when I was forty-three. I missed her greatly when she went off to university but she was never off the phone and I saw her most weekends. By the time she started her PhD there was email as well so I was dragged kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century.” She paused again in preparation for what was about to follow.

  “Then she died Stuart, and I felt like I had died too. I used to keep my eyes closed for as long as possible because that way I could still see her alive. When I opened them all I saw were reminders that she was dead. Her photos, her clothes, her stuffed toys, her school books, her toiletries still in the bathroom, her hair in the plug hole. That was all still there but she was gone forever. Sometimes, before she died, I used to imagine being on my deathbed and saying goodbye to Lauren. Telling her what a wonderful life I have had and thanking her for making it wonderful. I felt robbed of that and some dark months followed. Despite counselling from friends and well-meaning organisations I did not think I was going to get through it. Then one day something arrived through the post that gave me the will to live. It was the first few chapters Lauren had drafted for her thesis. It only took me a couple of hours to read but it set me up for the rest of my life. The passion with which my little girl described all that she observed made me realise that if I didn’t make the most of every single moment I had left, I would be betraying her.” She sat up proudly, smiling despite the tears welling in her eyes. Stuart fought back his own tears and smiled back admiringly. “You’re a very brave woman Margaret. Not many people could pick themselves up having experienced what you have. I came to see you to try and make sense of what happened and also to say goodbye to Lauren. You’ve helped me understand something that’s been troubling me. How someone I only knew for a short time could have had such a profound effect on my life. Your daughter was a wonderful human being and I am extremely privileged to have known her.”

  Stuart stood up in readiness to leave but Margaret said something that stopped him in his tracks and he had to sit down again. “Lauren was cremated at a crematorium just off the A3 between here and Croydon. There’s a small memorial stone there but it holds no memories for me so I don’t bother going anymore. If you want to say goodbye to her say it to the moon. She always loved the moon. I used to catch her talking to it from her bedroom window, so that’s how I talk to her now.”

  Chapter 20

  Dr Carson rewound the Dictaphone. The last session involved Stuart regressing back to the day before his collapse into a coma. What she had heard in the actual session, and on the Dictaphone since, completely contradicted the information she held to be true about the day before his collapse. According to his colleagues and his brother, Stuart had spent all day in his office at the zoo before enjoying a night out in the pub. During the course of that night he met a woman named Angela who he took home with him when leaving the pub. The one strange outcome from that night was Stuart had left his house without telling the woman. His whereabouts between leaving her and waking up in the morning is unknown.

  She pressed play on the Dictaphone and listened to the interview again.

  I’m watching the mother and cub pacing up and down in front of the bars. They look unusually agitated. The mother’s prowling backwards and forwards past the hatch at the back of the shed leading into the enclosure. Her head’s hanging low as if it’s too heavy for her to lift and her mouth is draped open in a grimacing smile. She’s panting and drooling, snorting in the air from outside every time she passes the hatch. The cub is mimicking her but then he crouches by the hatch breathing in the air from a gap at the bottom. I haven’t seen them behave like this before, it must be the heat. It’s a hot day and they haven’t yet shed their winter coats. I’m opening the gate now to let them into the enclosure.

  The cub is scrambling underneath the rising metal frame before it is high enough for him to walk through. The female is even more eager, she almost bends herself double, turning on the spot and shooting past the cub into the enclosure and out of sight.

  I’m running out of the shed and over to the fence so I can see them. The female is tugging at something. I can’t quite make out what it is. Oh shit, it’s a body, a human body. She’s got hold of the foot and she’s dragging it toward a ditch in the centre.

  I’m running back into the shed to get a rifle and tranquiliser darts. The rifle’s loaded and cocked and I’m back outside where the female is still dragging the body toward the ditch. I’m taking aim through the fence and I pull the trigger. The dart is in her behind before she has chance to react to the crack of the gunfire. She’s dropped the body and is snapping at the stinging metal in her hind quarters. She’s running around in circles like a demented dog chasing its tail. Now her back legs are giving way and she’s on the ground. The cub is back inside, spooked by the gunshot. I’ve got to help the intruder. I’m fumbling with my keys to unlock two sets of barred gates. The anaesthetic will only keep the female down for about twenty minutes. I can’t find the right key, I’m sure I’ve tried all of them. My hands are shaking and now I’ve dropped them. I pick them up again and thank God that this time I get the right key first time.

  I’m inside the enclosure now standing over two bodies. One of them is breathing rhythmically, making a deep nasal groan with every inhalation. The other is lying at the end of a trail of blood, still and lifeless.

  He looks dead. He’s somehow familiar but it’s difficult to make out any defining features due to the horrific injuries he has sustained. He’s naked so there’s nothing to help identify him.

  He has three deep gashes spanning his face from his left ear, across his nose and mouth, ending just below his chin. He has several deep puncture wounds in his throat.

  The female didn’t inflict these injuries in the short amount of time she’s been in the here. It was definitely a wild animal though…………………………………

  Oh shit, the male. I’m looking at the gate to his quarters and it is wide open. Everything feels like slow motion now as I turn around through a hundred and eighty degrees expecting to see a three hundred and fifty pound Siberian tiger prowling toward me. But he’s nowhere to be seen. I’ve got time to think now but panic grips me. I’m running toward the exit but I’m not getting anywhere, the ground is lifting beneath me, I’m spinning uncontrollably into the air trying to grab at something to steady myself but there’s nothing to grab. I’m engulfed by darkness and I’ve lost all sensation of what is up, down, right or left.

  Dr Carson considered the implications of what Stuart was describing here. She had always suspected his delusions were deep set but to be able to conjure up such a vivid account under hypnosis was unheard of. Outwardly he had made considerable progress. His acceptance that the news of Lauren’s death had been the trigger for the disassociation disorder was remarkable. This made it all the more difficult to understand why subconsciously his mind still persisted with the delusions. Just for a moment a frightening thought occurred to her: What is the difference between someone who is not delusional being convinced they are and someone who is delusional not accepting they are? Is he delusional and I’m helping him or is he sane and I’m deluding him? She shook the thought from her mind. Considering the evidence presented in this case no one would question her diagnosis, no one but herself.

  Chapter 21

  For the first time since Stuart’s collapse the Milton brothers enjoyed a night out together. Dave was encouraged by the positive effect that the revelations regarding Lauren’s death seemed to have had on his brother’s outlook. Many of the conflicts between Stuart’s perception of his life and the reality of it were still there but he was far more receptive to the explanations given to him. He was particularly touched by the profuse apology offered by his brother for the way he had tre
ated him over the past weeks. Outwardly, Dave dismissed this as completely understandable under the circumstances but secretly he was relieved and felt a burden of guilt lift from him.

  Whilst the news of Lauren’s death had helped Dave understand Stuart’s psychological condition, it did not explain the changes in his physical appearance. In particular, the missing tattoo he had received with the rest of the group in Amsterdam and his lean appearance. The latter had been explained away as a result of Stuart being in a coma for two weeks, though Dave was almost certain he had noticed this prior to his collapse. The former was about to be revealed to all amongst great hilarity.

  On Dr Carson’s advice, Dave organised a gathering of friends to join them at the pub where they drank regularly. She wanted to know how he would react in a social environment. Stuart recognised all but one of the people his brother invited. The doctor was pleased to see he was comfortable accepting that the memories he had of his friend’s lives were not always consistent with what he learned from them directly. He even joked about the differences between his recollections of their jobs compared to their actual jobs. To the amusement of the ensemble, he went around the group pointing to each person as he summarised their positions. There was Pete the fireman who was actually an electrician, Bob the gym instructor who was an accountant, Graham the school teacher who was a prison officer, Adam the stay at home dad who was a British Telecom Engineer, Chunky the Zoo keeper, who Stuart said he had never met before and finally Lynn the librarian who was, a librarian! When Adam expressed disbelief that anyone could forget a character like Chunky the subject of the tattoo came up. The very mention of this sent the big man into fits of laughter as he explained what had actually happened that night.

  “It’s convenient you don’t remember me yer shamming git,” he barked at Stuart, “the tattoos were your idea not mine. I carried it off because it was more convincing coming from me!”

  “What you on about now yer nutter?” Adam shouted at Chunky.

  “Me and Stuart never had them did we? It was a wind-up! Stuart here came up with the idea pre-empting what he expected you lot to do to him. “Bollocks, I might have been pissed but I saw you get them done.” Adam replied. Chunky undid the buttons of his shirt, pulling it down over his broad shoulders revealing bare arms. “What we had done were just temporary tattoos yer mugs. They lasted about two weeks.” With this he fell about laughing again.

  “You absolute shits the pair of you.” Dave chirped in. I can’t believe I’ve never noticed before. “The amount of times we’ve mentioned them since and you’ve never said a word!”

  Stuart held out his hands and shrugged his shoulders in a gesture of ignorance. “Hey, just because you can’t remember it doesn’t mean you’re innocent,” Adam rounded on Stuart. “I think you’ll find it does mate, isn’t that right, doc? Can’t I plead insanity?”

  Dr Carson had tried to stay in the background for the most part but Stuart had insisted she join in with the frivolity. She enjoyed watching him interacting with other people in a relaxed environment. She observed him as a person, not as a patient. He was an attractive guy, funny, charming and kind. Exactly the type of guy she would usually be drawn to. Her previous partner of eight years was not that different from Stuart in looks and personality. They had gotten to know each other at college when they were both studying medicine. There had been no romantic relationship at first but they became close friends. They went their separate ways after medical school, her to study psychiatry, him to carry out general surgical training. Two years later they met again when she took a residency position at a hospital where he was carrying out specialist training in cardiothoracic surgery. This time their friendship quickly blossomed into romantic relationship and within the first year of her taking the position they moved in together. The nature of their work meant the time they got to spend with each other was sporadic at best. This worked for the first few years but as time went on they became more distant and made less effort to see each other. Eventually he finished his specialist training and was offered a consultancy in the north of England. He asked her to join him but she did not feel there was enough to their relationship by that stage to warrant her giving up a position she enjoyed. They kept in touch for a while but they never made the effort to see each other. Eventually the contact fizzled away to nothing. Since then she engaged in a couple a casual flings but nothing had developed further.

  Stuart noticed Dr Carson looking at him, or was she looking through him? Her mind seemed elsewhere. A bell rang through the bar announcing the call for last orders. He saw her jump slightly as if drawn back from wherever her mind had wandered. He gestured to her signalling the offer of another drink. She looked at her almost empty glass of white wine and raised it accepting his offer. Apart from Dave all the others decided this was a cue to leave and said their goodbyes. Stuart bought drinks for the three of them remaining while Dave and the doctor found a table. The conversation was a little stunted at first but they all agreed the night had been a great success.

  She rubbed the back of her neck feeling awkward at the forced conversation. “So, what was life like for the Milton brothers growing up together?” She asked this purely as an ice-breaker with no professional angle intended, but the ensuing discussion offered her further insight into the depth of Stuart’s psychological trauma. Some of the memories the brothers shared were consistent, but others did not align at all. The most significant contradiction being the events around the time of their mother’s death. According to Stuart’s recollection their mother died shortly after he graduated from university. According to Dave, Stuart travelled around Asia having dropped out of university and was away when their mother died. Dr Carson watched for Stuart’s reaction to this conflicting information. “Really?” he asked. I didn’t graduate? Shit, I’d better change my CV.”

  Hearing him make light of this came as a relief. She was optimistic he was accepting the diagnosis offered for his condition. The problem was she did not fully accept it herself. Some of the conflicting memories between the brothers preceded Stuarts encounter with Lauren at the party. It was unusual for disassociation disorder to affect memories obtained before the causal trauma had occurred. Her train of thought was broken by the barman approaching their table. He advised them the bar was due to close but a number of people had asked if they could have more drinks. If they wanted to stay as well there would be enough people to warrant keeping the bar open for longer. “Well, we can’t let the others down can we?” Stuart offered to the group. “I’m game for a lock in,” Dr Carson offered. She did not want to be on her own with the feelings of doubt that she was having. Besides, she was enjoying the drink and the company.

  Dave decided he had had enough, so despite their protests he drained his glass, thanked them for their company and bid them goodnight.

  With just the two of them remaining Dr Carson insisted the next drink was on her and duly headed to the bar leaving Stuart on his own. He watched her walk away, admiring her tall, sleek frame. He smiled as he noticed her stagger slightly as she approached the bar. As he waited for her return with the drinks a thought occurred to him. There was an imbalance that needing to be addressed and now was the time to address it. “I think this should probably be my last drink, Stuart,” the doctor said as she placed the drinks on the table. He refrained from mentioning he had noticed her stagger on the way to the bar, choosing to play down her concerns instead.

  “Nah, make the most of it now you’re out. I’m sure you don’t get many opportunities to let your hair down, do you Doc?”

  “That’s actually very true Stuart,” she agreed, “and please, I think you can drop the title now. Call me Catherine.”

  This presented the perfect opportunity for Stuart to air his thoughts. He told her that while she had been at the bar it occurred to him she knew everything about his life but he knew very little about hers. He asked her where she had grown up. Did she have any siblings? What were her teenage years like? Was she in a seri
ous relationship with anyone? What kind of music did she like? At first she was hesitant to open up to him, but the way he responded to the information she shared made her want to tell him more. He was a good listener and she enjoyed having someone showing interest in her life for once. Two hours and three drinks later Stuart learned Dr Catherine Carson had grown up in Sussex as an only child. She had excelled at school, particularly in the sciences, which set her up to follow her mother’s footsteps into medicine. Despite her studious teenage years, she had managed to travel considerably between school terms and had her first encounter with the opposite sex during a trip to the South of France. She was fifteen years old and had fallen head over heels in love with an American she met on a camp site. Unfortunately, after just a few days of being led to believe she was the only one for him, it became apparent hers was just one of a number of tents he had been sneaking into at night. After that she had decided boys were just a distraction from what really mattered and had chosen to immerse herself in her studies. She told him about the long-term relationship she had had with the surgeon and how her work had managed to get in the way of that being a success. “And that pretty much sums up my life to date, Stuart,” she concluded.

  Stuart could not hold back from saying what came out next. Even though it sounded cheesy, and was no doubt fuelled by alcohol, it was a genuine sentiment. “I’ve got to say Catherine, I find it sad to think such a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman as yourself doesn’t have someone in her life to love and cherish her.”