Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  “Apparently, the firemen found us straight away when they pushed through the door. Tori got out with just a couple of superficial burns but my shirt caused all this.”

  I hugged her harder and I felt like I’d been through a wringer. I couldn’t imagine the level of courage it had taken Eden to go downstairs into a fire to find Tori. How they both didn’t perish was a miracle. I was so humbled by her bravery I didn’t have a clue what to say.

  “I popped in and out of consciousness a little, but it’s so sketchy. About two weeks after the fire they brought me out of the induced coma. They needed to do a lot of work on the burns so they kept me in it for that long. The next few weeks are a blur in my mind. Even though I was on so many drugs, I could still feel the pain. I had all sorts of dressing and bandages. I remember the day I was with it enough to realise what the burns actually meant. I think it was maybe a month after.” She shook her head and fresh tears pooled in her eyes.

  “I screamed the place down. When I realised what had happened, I just screamed and screamed. They had to get the doctor to sedate me again. I was such a mess. I remember mum and dad just standing there crying, not knowing what to say or do, or how to comfort me. I was alive, but right then I didn’t want to be. I even remember screaming, ‘I wish I’d died, I wish I’d died’. Yeah, I was a mess.”

  I just held her tight and let her settle. Her pain was real—I could feel all of it. The burn, the fear—how had she survived?

  “My God, Eden, I can’t even imagine what you went through. The fire was horrifying but the recovery must have been indescribable.” Nothing I could say seemed to be enough. How could I even respond to what she went through?

  “So many times during that first year I just wanted to give up. I had twenty-two different surgeries that year. I had skin grafts and all sorts of things. Burn recovery is a slow process because of infections and basically it’s just shit. I wore a pressure suit for months and a plastic mask thing over my face. That was hideous. My hair was all chopped off because they needed to get to the burns and it had all sort of been singed.” She sat up and pulled her hair back from the right side of her face. “This spot here. The hair doesn’t grow there anymore.” There was a wistfulness in her voice and I felt my own throat tighten.

  “I just felt so ugly and inhuman. The person I’d been before the fire seemed to have disappeared that night as well. When I was finally well enough to leave hospital, I was at the point where hospital felt more like home to me than my home. In reality, I didn’t even have a home I knew anymore. The place we had lived was destroyed by the fire; my parents were only renters so we had to find somewhere else to live.”

  The more she spoke the worse it got. I was staggered that she even functioned after what she’d been through. She’d taken hit after hit.

  Eden was quiet for a while and I didn’t know if she was reflecting or finished. Words just felt so inadequate. I just held her and tried to find something to say that didn’t diminish the horrific ordeal she’d endured.

  “Do you have any questions? Ask me anything. I’m not sure I’m going to want to talk about this again anytime soon, so now’s your chance.” She settled back onto my chest and her hand was absently tracing the tattoo of the dragon on my chest.

  “What hurts the most? The physical or the emotional pain?”

  “Both, but they’re different. The physical pain was horrific because the doctors were always messing with the burns to get them to heal, then the rehab and physio. It went on for months. I just wanted to be left alone. I still get twinges now, but at least it goes away. The emotional pain, it doesn’t seem to go away. It just seems to go on and on and it morphs. Just when I became numb to one thing, something else seems to trigger it and I’m fighting it all over again.” She pressed a kiss to my chest. “I have to admit though that I do feel so much better and stronger since I’ve meet you. I still feel pain, but I’m not even sure that’s the right term. It’s more like I’m fighting the fears, and it’s hard but I know I’m making progress. Every inch is tough but it’s a win. I guess it’s another form of pain, but at least it feels like a normal and rational pain. The sort everybody experiences, but it feels positive and I know I’m making ground. Does that make sense? It’s hard to explain.”

  I thought about that for a little while. “I think so. It’s kind of where I’m at with this fight. It’s still terrifying, but I know I can keep going; that I can beat it. But if you’d asked me to do the same thing a few months ago, there was no way I could have.”

  She thought on that for a few moments.

  “Mmm, I know what you mean. It’s almost as if the pain needs to numb a bit. Time seems to do it. Most of the time you can keep it under control but occasionally it just flairs up. Sophia and I had a bit of a melt down a few weeks ago. Something happens in your psyche or a change happens and the emotions kind of get all knocked around. We balled for a bit then I got that text from you after that first day you trained me. That was enough to divert her attention. I think the dream I had tonight is because of everything that’s going on. Things are changing between us. My mind needs to work though stuff and process. Bad stuff pops up more than good or when you least expect it.”

  Eden was right. “It’s almost as if you’re making progress forward and the demons know it so they make a last ditched attempt to drag you back. Hold you down.”

  “That’s exactly how it feels,” she agreed. “I start to make steps forward, then another monster appears. Before you came into my life, I wasn’t real fond of facing those demons. I was much more comfortable hiding and hoping they couldn’t find me. But they always seemed to find a way regardless of how well I thought I hid or avoided them. It takes a lot of stamina to get through them and I get tired, but I’ve realised that after being here with you, it’s a marathon and I just have to keep going.”

  There were forty-year-olds I knew that didn’t have a handle on stuff as well as Eden did. She understood this stuff and that’s what came from being a survivor. But winning and defeating the demons is more than understanding or surviving—it’s about taking action, going the distance. That’s what Eden was doing now, taking action. So was I. I just hoped we were strong enough together to get to the other side.

  Chapter 24

  Eden

  The following days seemed to fly past at warp speed. Every day, I crossed off another box on the cut down version of the plan that Reed had given us all, right after the meeting. Our time alone together was in very short supply now. Xander was starting to get more and more keyed up or maybe edgy was the better word. His body had taken on an even bigger and harder look. Every single one of his muscles felt like hardened steel when I touched him. He seemed to have a new buzzy energy about him and he couldn’t remain still , which told me he was feeling the pressure as well.

  Just like he’d predicted the craziness started with the first press conference announcing the fight. It was done separately and remotely as Xander had refused to go to the US that early for the fight. I wasn’t there at the hotel where the press conference was held, but I’d watched it on YouTube more than once.

  Well maybe twice…oh okay—it was more like six times, but I was just so proud of him. But those journalists had been awful. The questions they’d asked! I really didn’t understand them or why they’d asked—now I did.

  After watching the press conference, I broke my own rule and watched the fight he had with The Cobra on YouTube. I needed to understand what had happened. In my defence, I’d heard it all from Xander before I watched it. Well I thought I did, but I was wrong.

  When he told me about the fight and what happened, I had a picture in my mind. An idea of what had happened. Watching was a very different thing.

  I’d seen Xan training so many times, but it was nothing like watching him in the cage. Xander in full flight was a thing to behold. Could a person be described as having brutal beauty? Because that’s exactly what it looked like to me. Every move was graceful and full of int
ense and directed power. Never once did it look like he wasn’t in perfect control.

  I watched the fight from the start. I saw him and Reed talking at the break between rounds with an older man. Then the next round it all happened. The way Xander put The Cobra down on the mats looked elegant in its simplicity, but then I saw the punches to the head—which I found disturbing.

  The man I knew and loved was pummelling a guy and I didn’t really know how I felt about it. As I watched it, I anticipated the fatal punch. I knew it was coming. The camera angle picked up Xander’s face and I noticed the difference straight away. The expression on his face changed before the punch even landed. It was very subtle, but I knew that face very well now. I believe he really did try to pull that punch.

  Then the aftermath was harrowing to watch. The crowd went from screaming and cheering for the end to stony stunned silence in a couple of seconds as they realised what had happened. The Cobra’s crew were frantically trying to work on him and Xander stood frozen with a million different emotions crossing his face. If that was what was crossing his face, then I could only imagine how his heart felt in those moments.

  The next person the camera panned to though was the one that really pulled at me and rocked me to my very being. She was a very pretty pregnant woman, holding her belly and screaming in anguish. Her face was distorted in pain and her grief left a hollow feeling in my stomach. There was no doubt in my mind I was watching the wife or partner of The Cobra dealing with the realisation her man was dead—slain by my man.

  I sat and stared at my computer screen long after the video had finished. How did I feel about it? I still don’t really know. My heart felt pulled in so many directions. Is it wrong to feel for your man’s opponents? Because that’s how I feel now that I’ve watched it.

  That poor woman! Her baby would be about three now. Somewhere out there was a little kid running around without a father. I don’t know if The Cobra would have been a good father, but he never got the chance to see.

  It all made so much more sense to me now. Xander outwardly appeared to be so controlled of not only his body, but his emotions as well. Watching that video gave me the context for how bad the pain really was for him. Now I understood that night down in his home gym so much better. He’d been reliving that fight in his head. We both had demons; they were just different types.

  That initial media conference heralded the start of the media flooding on all channels, social media in particular. The fight promoters were in full marketing mode, trying to garner as much support and “buzz” for the fight as possible. Everywhere you looked someone seemed to be doing a story of our local boy taking on Luke “Lights Out” O’Donnell on the world stage. It was intense and surreal all at the same time and certainly not an experience for which I’d had any previous context or baseline.

  I’d purposely stayed away from Onigashima, the week before my exams. There seemed to always be media people hanging around, plus I needed to focus on studying for my exams which were starting on the Tuesday so I decided to stay away all week. It had been a a study week after all which meant I’d been cooped up at home. Which until I met Xander would have suited me absolutely perfectly but now—not so great.

  I now actually wanted to go out, well I mainly wanted to be wherever Xander was, if I was being truthful. Today was a day to go out. Len had picked me up and dropped me off at my appointment with Grace because with Sophia’s new job she didn’t have the flexibility to run me around as much.

  It was weird but I’d actually looked forward to my last few appointments with Grace. They’d been quite different to “pre-Xander”. We seemed to be past the “How do you feel about that?” questions. Now I had experiences to offer and I wanted to talk about them. Today I had a lot on my mind. I wanted to talk about the upcoming fight and how I was feeling.

  As always, Grace was punctual as she welcomed me into her office. “And how’s my favourite patient, today?” she asked as I took up my regular spot on the blue sofa.

  I gave her a sideways look. “Favourite patient?”

  “Yes. Hey, you’re making me look good! Look at the amazing achievements you’ve made over the last couple of months. I think a lot has to do with a certain man in your life, but hey, I’ll take a little credit. It’s not like I can tell anyone anyway!”

  I laughed at that. “Very true. It really must be a fairly thankless job you’ve got here.”

  She nodded. “At times, yes. But then I see how far someone like you has come and it makes up for every difficult patient. I can only hope that I can open their eyes enough so when whatever catalyst strikes a chord with them, they’re in the right place to make positive changes.”

  “And don’t ever think for a moment that the changes you’ve made in your life are all Xander. Sure he’s given you the desire to change, but you had to be in a frame of mind that was open to considering, accepting and then implementing the change. Well done, you!” Grace sounded really proud of me and that actually felt good. She was a nice lady that I believe genuinely cared about her patients.

  “So now I’ve given you all that praise, what do you want to talk about today? Anything worrying you?” Grace looked at me intently and I pushed my jaw from side to side thinking, trying to decide how to start the conversation. In the end I decided to just dive in and see where it went.

  “I want to talk about Xander and the upcoming fight of his.”

  “Okay floor’s yours, tell me what’s bothering you.”

  I took a deep breath. “Grace, there’s no easy way to say this without it sounding terrible.” I watched her eyes narrow but she made no other move or comment. “Xander accidently killed a guy in his last fight and I don’t know how I should feel about that.” It was one of those “Holy shit!” statements, but so far, Grace was keeping it together. “This upcoming fight of his is also getting bigger than Ben Hur and I’m feeling kind of adrift about the whole thing.”

  “Well nothing’s ever boring with you now. You’ve certainly jumped in at the deep end, Eden.”

  I nodded and couldn’t agree more. “That’s kind of how I feel now. I’m struggling to hold my head above water. Don’t get me wrong; our relationship is great and I love him and he’s told me he loves me, but all this fight stuff is putting me so far out of my depth.”

  “I can certainly understand that. Let’s start with the first part. Xander accidently killed a man you say…” She paused for a second and frowned, then it was as if a light bulb had clicked on. “I think I remember reading about that somewhere. It was in a Championship Fight a few years back, wasn’t it? Very big news for about a week, then it all simmered down.”

  “That’s it.”

  She nodded. “You’re going to have to explain to me what’s bothering you. I think you’ve known about this for a while. So why the issue now?”

  “Because the press started in on him about what happened and the questions they asked and stuff they wrote was just horrible and most of it really hurtful. So I went and watched the fight online. Xander had told me what happened, of course, but with the media storm,I figured I needed to know for myself what it was all about.” My throat started to close over and those pesky pricks behind the eyes started, it wouldn’t be long before I’d need tissues. Grace nodded at the box on the table beside the crystal water pitcher.

  “Oh Grace, it was devastating on so many levels. I watched it all. I saw Xander land that punch and that man die. I then saw the other fighter’s pregnant wife beside herself in grief and finally I saw the emotions on Xander’s face. But now I think about it, I think I’m actually feeling them. Is that weird?” I reached for a tissue and a sip of water. There had been no stopping the tears falling.

  “So what are you feeling the most?”

  Wasn’t that the question? It almost felt as if I was mirroring his feelings. Was that possible?

  “I feel such a strong sense of guilt and regret surrounding him. What happened was an accident, but it was terrible none the less. I
can really see how Xander’s resisted having another fight. How do you move past that?”

  She nodded. “It’s certainly an enormous burden to carry, but I think you already know the answer to the getting past question. One day at a time. You know this better than most people, Eden. Emotional healing takes a very long time and many people are never whole again. They’re better and can function, but they’re never as they were. How can they be? They’ve lived through something horrific and survived. It’s about healing to the best of your ability, and in Xander’s case without knowing him, I’d guess it’s about forgiving himself as much as anything. He didn’t do it intentionally.”

  I hadn’t really thought about the forgiveness part. He’d spoken about fighting his demons and not being a fraud. But a big part of him achieving what he wanted to, was about him forgiving himself to start with.

  “How does someone forgive? I mean people talk about forgiveness, but it just seems such an…” I struggled for the words. “I don’t know…” I threw my hands up frustrated at searching for what I was trying to say.

  “Ubiquitous and maybe over used term?”

  “Yes! That’s it.”

  “I get you. Eden, it’s about letting go the hurt and the bad feelings. It’s accepting what happened and the feeling that go with it. Then consciously deciding that you need to let it go. It’s often easier to forgive someone else than yourself. Most people are their own toughest critics and judges.”

  I nodded and thought on that a little. “I’m starting to see that I think. I used to think everyone was pitying me and uncomfortable around me. Now I’m starting to realise I was projecting my own insecurities. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you expect it to be bad, it is. I don’t expect it to be so bad anymore and it doesn’t seem to be as bad.”