Still Waters

by Jayne Rylon

  14

  Vaughn had never been this nervous to talk to a guy before. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel of his truck and gently rubbed the sore area beneath the bandage on his chest, just over his heart. He rumbled over the gravel section of the farm road that led back to where Bryant was holed up. Sterling had unofficially given him a heads-up that Bryant had gotten home safe a few hours ago.

  While he was disappointed Bryant hadn’t rushed over to share his good news, he didn’t let that deter him from going after what he wanted. What he knew, deep down, was the best for them both.

  In his mind, Vaughn heard Jake’s ancient advice to him, from when he’d first kicked around the idea of opening a tattoo shop. “You could waste time waiting for the stars to align or you could get out there and start kicking them into place.”

  He only hoped that being assertive wouldn’t scare Bryant off again. Fuck if he didn’t miss the nerd. It made sense since Vaughn had probably spent more time with Bryant than all the other guys he’d slept with in his life. He was officially addicted and not ashamed to admit it.

  Even to Bryant’s sister, whom he’d poured his heart out to over coffee yesterday, which was why she’d taken pity on him and tipped him off. He owed her a big fat Christmas present, or maybe another tattoo.

  With a six-pack of Bryant’s favorite beer in hand, he ambled up to the door, took a deep breath, then knocked. When there was no answer, he banged again, this time louder. He would not be ignored. If Bryant wanted him to go, fine. But Bryant should at least be mature enough to tell him to his face and explain why. Surely he couldn’t still be upset about missing that tiny rain shower. It wouldn’t have been enough to prime the system even if they’d had time to finish the piping that morning, which they hadn’t.

  No, Bryant was running scared again. Damn if Vaughn would let another six years go by before he pulled Bryant’s head out of his ass.

  He was about to pound his fist on the door when it jerked open.

  Good thing he didn’t punch Bryant in the nose by accident. That probably wouldn’t help his case. Caught by surprise, it took him a second to realize something was off. Really wrong. At barely after noon, Bryant was…drunk? His eyes were bloodshot and he reeked of alcohol. Sure, they sometimes had a drink or two, but Vaughn had never seen him like this—out of control and miserable.

  “Bryant? Are you okay?”

  “You brought me more beer? Awesome.” He slurred as he lunged for the six-pack in Vaughn’s hand, nearly crashing into the door in the process.

  “Holy shit.” Vaughn steadied him, then half-carried him into the cottage’s kitchen. “Are you celebrating by yourself?”

  “Celebrating? Fuck no.” Bryant plopped into a chair at the table, tipping it precariously before it clunked into place once more.

  “Wait…” Vaughn hadn’t even considered the possibility that Bryant wouldn’t pass with flying colors. “Are you saying—?”

  “That they didn’t approve my thesis? Yup. I’m not graduating.”

  Vaughn’s insides felt like they’d been flash-frozen. “Ever?”

  “Who knows?” Bryant shrugged. “Maybe someday. But definitely not next weekend.”

  “Oh shit.” Vaughn reached out to hug Bryant, but the other man flinched instead of leaning into his embrace, so he stopped dead then backed off.

  Bryant reached for one of the beers on the table between them and used the edge of Sterling’s table to rip the top off before downing half the contents in a single glug. Whoa.

  Vaughn was suddenly even more glad he’d come. Bryant shouldn’t be alone like this.

  “Hey, it’s okay. You’re going to wait until it rains and then gather the data you need to show them just how fucking lucky this ranch is to have you and your work.” Vaughn bent down slowly until they were eye-to-eye, Bryant’s mouth within kissing range. “I missed you, you know. I’m happy to distract you. And hey, last time it seemed like we brought the rain when we hooked up. Maybe we can do it again.”

  Bryant reared back as if Vaughn had hit him instead of hitting on him.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. My dick is a terrible decision maker.” Bryant looked away, as if even he didn’t believe the bullshit he was spouting.

  Vaughn tried to chalk it up to his intoxication—dumb shit from the mouth of a drunk man—but he knew it was more than that. Bryant was regressing, falling back into his old habits of blaming himself for shit out of his control. Except this time, Vaughn couldn’t help since he was part of the problem.

  “Go home, Vaughn. I’m not what you’re looking for.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, then stared out the window at the ranch with unfocused eyes.

  It made Vaughn ache and pissed him off at the same time.

  “You know what…you’re right. You’re not the man I thought you were.” Vaughn shook his head and turned toward the door. He’d let Sterling and Viho know that Bryant was out here, drinking himself into a blackout, and needed someone to watch over him. Someone other than Vaughn.

  Which stung like a motherfucker.

  Bryant sobered up enough to ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You’re a fighter. A person who overcomes. A really fucking sharp guy. Or at least I thought you were all of those things. Yet here you are, wallowing over a temporary setback. Letting it blind you to all the good around you. I’m not going to sit here and join your pity party.”

  “Good. You weren’t invited anyway.” Bryant shrugged. The glimmer of regret in his glassy eyes made Vaughn try one last ditch maneuver.

  “Sucks that I finally broke down and got my first tattoo and now I’m probably going to have to get it lasered off.” He groaned, not exaggerating his remorse at the thought of erasing it. Okay, so he admitted to himself that whether or not Bryant liked the tattoo, and regardless of what he said in anger, he’d never get rid of it, because it—and what it represented—still mattered to him.

  Despite having gone off the rails, Bryant—and the brief affair they’d had—had rocked Vaughn’s world. It had changed him indelibly. So his skin should reflect the irreversible changes inside him. No matter what happened, he would carry Bryant and memories of what they’d shared with him always.

  “You got a tattoo?”

  Vaughn cleared his throat. “Technically, I gave myself one, yes. Would you like to see it?”

  It was a dare. Even drunk, Bryant had to know it. He narrowed his eyes and paused long enough that Vaughn thought Bryant would kick him out before caving to his innate curiosity. But he didn’t. “Sure, what the hell?”

  Vaughn yanked the neckline of his black T-shirt down and peeled back the bandage there, exposing the skin above his heart to the man who already owned it.

  Bryant didn’t make a peep. Didn’t move. Didn’t do….anything at all.

  Was he in shock? Vaughn had to admit he hadn’t imagined himself doing something this reckless and permanent…ever, really. Until Bryant.

  He’d given himself a tattoo. Which wasn’t as easy as he’d anticipated, given the location. But even if it meant a slightly squiggly line here or there, he hadn’t wanted anyone else to do it. The most meaningful ink had nothing to do with the prettiest. He should know.

  “It’s my name,” Bryant finally whispered.

  Vaughn nodded.

  “On you.”

  He nodded again.

  “Forever. I mean, unless you…laser…”

  And damn it if Vaughn wasn’t starting to get more annoyed. This was in no way how he imagined his big reveal might go. “Is that a problem? No water was harmed in the making of this tattoo, I promise.”

  “It’s just really…real.” Bryant rocked onto the back legs of the kitchen chair. “Wow.”

  Vaughn felt like a fool. He should have known he would never be good enough for Bryant Compton. He figured that Bryant might cool off after he went back to school and realized that everything was fine. Instead of elevating them both, Vaughn had ended up dragg
ing Bryant down to his level. He’d been kidding himself.

  Showing Bryant his heart meant nothing, because it was only a reminder of moments that had ruined his life. Fuck.

  Vaughn had to get out of there. Had to figure out what to do when what he needed most wasn’t what was best for the man he loved.

  “Goodbye.” Vaughn hated that even now he waited for the slightest hesitation on Bryant’s part. Maybe he would call Vaughn back. Maybe he would say it was all some terrible joke. Maybe he would decide love mattered more than anything else.

  He didn’t. Instead Bryant whispered, “Have a nice life.”

  15

  Six Weeks Later

  It had been a miserable summer, every day hotter and drier than the last. August had turned downright hellacious and dusty. Like Bryant’s sex life. There were tumbleweeds rolling through that shit. And it was his own damn fault.

  He didn’t remember all of their discussion from the day they’d broken up, but the sight of his name tattooed on Vaughn’s chest was burned into his soul. He wasn’t sure any more that he’d made the right decision, but too much time had gone by now for him to do anything about it, right?

  Bryant flung an arm over his face. He was crashed out on the couch in Sterling’s cottage. Stuck. Like he had been all those years before, except now he didn’t even have school to distract him.

  Without knocking, someone barged through the front door. It could only be one of his family members. “Hey, what if I’m naked in here?”

  “You’re too boring for that,” Doug said as he tromped through the kitchen then plopped down beside him, jarring him.

  “Even if you were, it would save a step,” Austin said. From behind him, Hayden waved.

  “Do I want to know what you’re talking about?” Bryant frowned. They were too much right now. Too much when his brain just wanted to sleep the summer away. Maybe longer.

  James and Ivy joined the crowd, making the tiny cottage seem like it was going to explode at the seams before James filled him in. “We’re taking the girls to check out the new rope swing some of the hands installed in the back pond. It’s hot enough that I feel like I’m jumping into a fire again out there. We need a good old-fashioned naked swim break. Come on, you know you want to go. For old times’ sake.”

  Bryant thought about the summer he’d drooled over Vaughn every chance he got, and how—unknown to him—Vaughn had been doing the same. What if Vaughn had gone swimming with them on the day of the now-infamous skinny dip?

  Gah! If he didn’t stop thinking about Vaughn, he was going to go insane. He might as well let his cousins distract him for a few hours. “Okay, fine. I’m coming.”

  Bryant got up and shuffled into the bedroom to ditch his shirt and grab a towel. He knew something was up when the loudmouth fuckers he’d grown up with suddenly grew hushed. They whispered frantically among themselves. Oh fuck, what were they up to?

  He charged into the living room bare-chested, in time to see them ogling the pictures he’d printed and left on the coffee table. Shit, how had he forgotten they were on display?

  Bryant had spent half the evening the night before staring at them, tracing the lines that suited him so well.

  “What’s this?” Doug asked, holding one up.

  “Doesn’t matter.” He tried to snatch it back, but his cousin dodged.

  “I hope James doesn’t mind me saying you look fucking hot like this, Bryant.” Ivy glanced between the images and Bryant in the flesh.

  Austin held his fist out. “I didn’t know you were thinking of joining the ranks. This matches really well with what Vaughn did on me and James. That will be awesome. Kind of like our dads. It’s going to take a lot of time, pain, and cash—or blowjobs, if that’s your thing. Hope you’re prepared.”

  “It’s just a drawing.” Bryant shook his head and turned away from them. It hurt to see himself the way Vaughn did. No…had.

  “You’re so full of shit, I can smell it from here.” Doug stood up. “Vaughn drew this. He sees something in you that no one else does. Why are you blind to that? You’re supposed to be the smart one, but this whole summer you’ve been acting dumb as dirt.”

  “This is about more than a tattoo.” Hayden linked her hand with Austin’s. Bryant was definitely outnumbered. It seemed Vaughn had a fan base among his family, and he didn’t mean just his sister, who’d been harping on him for weeks already. “One of the most important things about a partner, is finding someone who believes in you. Someone who knows just how incredible you can be and helps you reach that potential. If it weren’t for Austin, I’d never have had the courage to start singing professionally. If Vaughn is that person for you, if he makes you confident, strong, and satisfied, I’m not sure why you’re not begging him to come back.”

  “That’s not what Austin did. When you needed freedom, he gave it to you.” Bryant stared at the happy couple, remembering what it felt like when he was in their position.

  “Did Vaughn ask to be left alone? Or did you?” James wondered.

  Bryant didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. They all knew the truth. Or most of it.

  Maybe it was time he told them why he was so fucking scared of making mistakes, even if he was starting to suspect he’d made the worst one of his life recently. “Can we sit down for a second?”

  Austin, James, and Doug shared a knowing glance. This was serious shit.

  His cousins and the women they loved didn’t argue then. They settled in and gave him their full attention.

  It was harder to say than he thought, even after all this time. “When I was seventeen, I was raped in the main barn by the big house.”

  Doug cursed and James just blinked as if he couldn’t believe it. That something so awful could happen here, on their beloved ranch.

  “Jesus, why didn’t you tell us?” Austin asked even as Hayden put her hand on his knee. She paused just long enough to let him nod first, and let her know that was fine.

  “I guess I felt like an idiot. Like it was my fault. See, I was trying to hit on Vaughn and he turned me down. Because I wasn’t old enough and he’s not a scumbag.” Bryant shrugged one shoulder. Now that he’d started telling them his worst secret, it seemed like less of a big deal. The power it had held over him disappeared as the words flew from his lips. “But one of the other guys, a new hand, overheard and twisted my disappointment and the rejection I felt. He used it against me, conning me into making out with him…and then didn’t take no for an answer when things got out of hand. It would have been a lot worse if Jake hadn’t shut things down.”

  “Oh, fuck,” James whispered.

  “That’s why you didn’t date for so long,” Austin added. It wasn’t a question.

  “I didn’t intend for it to be that way. I just…focused on school and keeping to the goals I’d set. Made good decisions.” He wrung his hands. “At least until I came home and ran into Vaughn again.”

  “Do our parents know?” Doug wondered aloud at the same time James asked, “Who was the fuckface that attacked you? Did he ever get what was coming to him?”

  “Sorry. Can we talk about that stuff some other time?” Bryant winced. “It’s still difficult.”

  “Of course.” Austin nodded. “I’m glad you finally felt like you could tell us.”

  “I need you to understand why I did what I did. With Vaughn, I mean.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “The very first time I caved to my urges…catastrophe. This time, it might have cost me my degree. When sex is involved, I clearly can’t think straight.”

  “Don’t even put those two things in the same category. Hooking up with Vaughn was the best thing you’ve done in forever.” Doug lifted the picture up and studied it again. “You two are a great match. A perfect balance. He knows how to deal with you and make you understand what we all know…”

  James nodded, taking over for Doug mid-sentence, as they often did with each other. “You’re awesome exactly how you are. You don’t have to be like every other
cowboy on Compass Ranch to deserve happiness. This drawing and these pictures he took of you…they’re different, and not only because of the ink. Look at the way you’re standing, the way you carry yourself when you’re with him. You’re a different person. The person you were meant to be. I’m sorry I didn’t notice that before.”

  “I hope you’ll let us know when you’re struggling with this. I wish we could have been there for you,” Austin said as he squeezed Hayden’s hand. He’d just recently helped her out of a bad situation with her ex, one that had left her battered. She hadn’t broken, and neither would Bryant. Vaughn had helped him see that.

  Truth was, Bryant missed being the person he was with Vaughn. He hadn’t gotten to wear that skin for very long before things had gone to shit, but for the brief time he had… Well, those had been the best days of his life so far.

  Until he’d hit a pothole. And he’d broken down again. Without making any progress. Letting people, including Jake and the rest of his family, down.

  “You were there for me, guys.” He looked around at his cousins, hoping they could see the truth in his eyes. “You’ve never treated me differently because I’m gay. And I guess that’s part of why I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want it to change things between us. Or for you to see me as weak. I’d already lost enough.”

  “In that case, I’m going to say what I would say to any of these other assholes if they were fucking something up…” Doug glared at Bryant. “You need to do something to show Vaughn that you want him. And for more than his cock. It’s got to be something huge, since you’ve been jerking off all summer, letting things get out of hand.”

  “Since when are you the relationship expert?” James smacked Doug on the back of the head. “As far as I can tell, you’ve been chasing your tail when it comes to your own love life. Maybe you should do as you say, huh?”

  Doug grumbled something Bryant couldn’t understand under his breath.

  He laughed, feeling for the first time in months like things might be okay. Not today, but eventually, if he worked hard enough to make it so.