How to Catch a (Rock) Star: A Story of Sex, Love and Rock 'n' Roll

by Gabrielle Aquilina

  ‘What? Who’s it from?’ Kate looked at Lillie as if she were deciding whether or not to tell her.

  ‘It’s Jed. He wants to know if you got back okay.’

  Lillie’s mouth trembled and she felt the all too familiar stab of tears behind her eyes. Kate tapped out a quick reply and put her phone down.

  ‘I’m going to run you a bath and then you’re going to bed,’ she said and Lillie nodded her agreement, eager for her to be out of the room.

  As soon as Kate was out of sight, she reached for the phone, scrolling through to Kate’s latest text, heart flittering madly as she read his words,

  ‘Hey Kate. Hope you’re ok. How is Lil? Did she arrive ok? Take care of her please. J xoxo’

  Lillie let the tears fall as she held the phone to her heart. Her head spun from exhaustion, pain, heartache and regret. She re-read the message one more time, branding the words into her brain before putting Kate’s phone back on the table.

  When Kate came back into the room, the tears were gone and Lillie was calmly drinking her tea. Kate gave her a suspicious look before sitting back down.

  ‘Do you want me to do some washing for you while you sleep?’

  ‘Thanks Kate, that would be great, I’ll sort it out for you.’ She got up and stood still for a moment, grabbing the back of the chair for support, black spots swirling in front of her eyes. ‘Stood up too quickly,’ she said, eyes refocusing to see Kate half out of her chair, looking scared. ‘I’m fine, just tired,’ she reassured her, waving her back into her seat.

  She went into the living room and opened her case, closing her eyes as if she could ward off the smell of him that rushed over her. She started piling her clothes into darks and colours, hovering over the blue underwear and emerald green dress, trailing her fingers over the silky fabric, eyes glazing as she let herself remember before putting them back in the case.

  She pulled out a dark grey t-shirt, shaking it out, her heart beating fast as she held it to her face, breathing him in, her tears soaking the thin cotton. She hadn’t even realised it was in there; she must have scooped it off the floor with one of hers. She inhaled him once more before closing the case and, clutching the t-shirt to her, wheeling it to her room.

  Kate called out from the bathroom that the bath was ready and that she was popping out for some food but Lillie should just relax and try to get some sleep. She appeared in Lillie’s doorway and asked her if she wanted anything in particular.

  ‘No thanks, well, maybe a bottle of wine or two?’ Kate gave her a considering look before nodding and crossing the room to give her a big hug.

  ‘No chocolate or ice cream?’ she said, raising an eyebrow and smiling.

  Lillie smiled back but shook her head.

  ‘I’m not really hungry to be honest,’ she replied, ‘thanks though.’

  Kate hugged her again before leaving. Left alone, Lillie stood for a couple of minutes, before going into the bathroom and undressing. Sinking down into the warm water and spicy scented bubbles, she closed her eyes and submerged herself completely. She held her breath for as long as she could, lungs burning, before she pushed herself back up into the cold air, gasping for breath. She swept her hair back from her face, blinking rapidly and repeated the ritual twice more before reaching for the shampoo and lathering up her hair, rinsing and rewashing before covering the ends in conditioner and piling it on her head.

  Finally she leant back, running over and over in her head the same thoughts. Why didn’t he tell her and why had she responded by sleeping with Steve? Had she even slept with him? It wasn’t like her and it still really bothered her that she couldn’t remember.

  The water was tepid by the time she shook herself out of her reverie. She pulled the plug and stood up, turning on the shower. She rinsed her hair and tipped her face into the spray before turning up the heat and standing under the hot waterfall for several more minutes, only turning it off when she thought she heard Kate calling her. She stepped out and wrapped herself in a towel, calling Kate’s name as she opened the door.

  ‘Hey, feel better?’ Kate said, poking her head out of the kitchen and Lillie nodded. ‘I’m making toast, do you want some?’

  Lillie shook her head but Kate said she was going to make her some anyway as she was sure she hadn’t eaten properly in the last couple of days. In fact, Lillie had only ingested alcohol, water and a chocolate mousse from her airplane dinner but she wasn’t about to tell Kate that.

  She opened her case and realised that all her clothes were being washed apart from the green silk dress and his t-shirt.

  ‘Kate! Can I borrow some joggers and a hoodie?’ she called out.

  ‘Course, help yourself to whatever you want.’

  Lillie could smell the toast. It turned her stomach.

  She went into Kate’s room and staggered back as he stared out at her from a band poster on Kate’s wall. She put her hand out to steady herself and ripped her gaze away, concentrating on finding some comfy clothes to shrug on.

  In Kate’s drawer, she hurriedly skipped over two Dead Hour t-shirts and the new band hoodie, heart beating so fast she thought it might burst. She pulled on a plain white t-shirt and purple joggers and went to leave the room.

  But she couldn’t help herself, she turned in the doorway and stared at the image of him. He had on her favourite leather jacket. His green eyes drew her towards him and before she knew it, she was standing in front of the poster and stroking her fingers down his face, tears streaming, the tiny pieces of her already broken heart shattering into even more minute shards.

  She smothered a sob and tried to pull herself together. Kate would come looking for her if she didn’t get to the kitchen and some tiny shred of dignity pushed itself into her head, forcing her out of the room and down the hall.

  She stopped in the bathroom to blow her nose and splash cold water on her face. Not that it did much good. It was obvious she had been crying. Again.

  She shuffled into the kitchen and sat at the table. Kate put a mug of tea in front of her and then a plate of hot, buttery toast. Lillie felt her stomach flip and she felt nauseous.

  ‘Please eat at least one piece, Lil,’ Kate begged.

  Lillie reached out and took half a piece of toast, quickly biting, chewing and swallowing and then fighting the urge to throw it up. She forced herself to eat it, aware of Kate’s eyes on her face.

  ‘And the other half,’ Kate said.

  Lillie raised her eyes and looked into Kate’s determined face. She sighed and picked up the other half, going through the same ritual, giving Kate a defiant look as she swallowed the last hateful bite.

  ‘Thank you. Now, I think you should try and get some sleep,’ Kate said. ‘You’re probably jetlagged to hell on top of everything else.’

  Lillie dragged herself up and gave Kate a hug before disappearing into her bedroom. She turned on the TV not even bothering to change channels to something even ten percent decent. She crawled into her old bed, pulling the covers up to her chin and stared at the TV, letting the inane chat of the gormless blonde presenter and her z list guest wash over her and fill her head with unimportant and bland conversation. Before the credits rolled, she was asleep, blissful darkness smothering her and taking her down into the welcome blackness.

  A while later, she was bolt upright, heart racing, her skin slick with sweat, mouth dry in horror. Her eyes focused on the TV screen but the image of him kissing a busty blonde was burnt into her retinas. She rubbed a hand over her eyes, trying to erase the horribly vivid vision of his hands on another woman’s body, his chest pressed against fake boobs, his beautiful mouth…

  She swung her legs out of the bed and stood up. Glancing at the bedside clock, she saw that it was five pm. Good, she could have a drink without feeling like a rehab failure.

  Kate was on the phone when she entered the kitchen, speaking in hushed tones wit
h her back to Lillie. She backed up so Kate wouldn’t see her.

  ‘I don’t know, Chris. She hasn’t talked about it at all but she looks awful. Exhausted and lifeless. I’ve never seen her like this – she won’t eat, I had to beg her to eat one piece of toast earlier. When I asked her if she wanted anything from the shops, she asked for wine.’ She stopped talking for a minute.

  ‘Of course, I’ll keep you updated. Yes, I’ll tell her. I’m sure she would send her love to Johnny too.’ She went quiet again. ‘I love you too. I miss you.’

  She hung up and Lillie crept down the hall back to her room and into bed again. She lay for a minute or two, trying to get up the energy to pretend she was okay. She didn’t want Kate worrying about her like that.

  Kate was chopping carrots, jumping with a start when Lillie said hi.

  ‘Oh my God, you scared me! How are you feeling? Better?’

  ‘Yeah, lots thanks. I guess I just needed a good sleep.’ Lillie sat down at the table, ‘What are you making?’

  ‘Chicken soup,’ Kate replied without a hint of embarrassment. Lillie bit back a retort about how she wasn’t ill, saying instead,

  ‘Great, I love chicken soup. So, have you spoken to Chris?’

  ‘Ummm, no. Not today,’ Kate said, turning pink and concentrating inordinately hard on the carrot she was cutting up.

  Lillie grimaced at her back. So she wasn’t going to tell her anything. Well, she would have to find out herself. She wondered briefly where she could get a phone bug.

  ‘Oh. Well, when you do, could you please ask him, you know, ask him if he’s alright, not Chris, I mean I know he’s alright – ‘

  Kate interrupted her,

  ‘Yes, I’ll ask him,’ she turned around and Lillie didn’t like the look on her face. Pity.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ Kate said, changing the subject. ‘I got loads of stuff at Waitrose, I thought you might like some picky bits.’

  She started pulling tubs out of the fridge, running through an inventory as she put them on the counter. Lillie watched her, wondering when she was going to produce the wine and pour out a big glass.

  ‘I’ll just put out a selection, shall I?’ she carried on, her voice chipper.

  Lillie nodded and suggested they have a glass of wine to go with the dips and olives. A look of concern and disapproval sprinted across Kate’s face but she opened a bottle anyway, pouring two small glasses.

  Lillie reached for her glass like it was a life ring and she was drowning in a stormy sea. Kate took hers back to the counter and started chopping an onion whilst talking about the gallery and the new artist her parents had just done an exhibition for.

  Lillie made the appropriate noises and refilled her glass to the top. By the time Kate had finished making her soup, there was about a glass worth left in the bottle and Lillie was feeling much better. Numb.

  Kate tipped the wine into her own glass without saying a word and sat down with a barely audible sigh.

  ‘Why don’t we watch some TV while dinner cooks?’

  ‘Sure,’ Lillie slurred, scraping her chair and standing up with a sway. ‘Did you get two bottles?’

  Kate nodded slowly.

  ‘Let’s take this with us,’ Lillie said, picking up the second bottle as she walked out of the kitchen.

  Lillie stared with glassy eyes at the TV but her expression didn’t change at all, no matter what happened on the screen. Once she raised the empty glass to her mouth, a small frown appearing briefly when she realised there was none left. She looked around for more and Kate dutifully poured her a small glass.

  She didn’t eat much of Kate’s soup. She was sure it probably tasted great but her tastebuds were apparently on strike. Either that or the wine had dulled her senses. When the second bottle was empty, Lillie decided to go to bed. There was no point in dragging the evening out. Anyway, her head was spinning and she craved the blankness that sleep would bring her.

  Tomorrow she was getting straight on the internet. She wanted to know everything.

  CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

  Two months later and Lillie didn’t feel any better, in fact, she felt a lot worse. She spent all her waking moments surfing the internet, reading everything she could find about herself, him or the band. She had signed up to all the different fan sites, scanning through all the forums and fan fiction. She was now on the most recent correspondence, just about the time she had left New York.

  Speculation was rife although the official line was that a family drama had forced her to return to the UK. The most popular story was that something had happened between the two of them. Thankfully, there was no mention of her and Steve but it seemed that many of the fans thought that one or the other had been found out for cheating.

  Some of the fans thought that her relationship with Johnny had progressed, which made Lillie smile grimly. There was a small faction that wondered whether she had left because she couldn’t handle sharing him with Johnny.

  Of course, a good majority of fans were under the impression it was her fault. She supposed it was. If she had just given him a chance to explain.

  Personally, she blamed Steve. Every time she thought of him, she wanted to vomit. The band had a new manager now. She wasn’t surprised, after all, he had punched Steve in the face and threatened to kill him.

  According to the fans, he was taking her departure badly. They talked about his lacklustre performances with a mixture of sympathy and annoyance. Some complained that he could barely stand up to sing and it was a knife twist to her heart every time she read about how drunk he was, sometimes forgetting words, other times falling over.

  He didn’t stick around to chat with fans, staying hidden away so that he wouldn’t have to sign autographs or have photos taken.

  Lillie checked Kate’s phone whenever she could get away with it but felt horrible every time she did it. Yesterday, she had found a text from him which seemed to have been sent about four in the morning, New York time. Guilt and shame had wrapped themselves around her heart so tightly she couldn’t breathe. She read the text once and couldn’t bear to read it again but the words were burnt into her brain.

  ‘I miss her so much, please look after her for me. I wish I could change things but I can’t go back. Jed.’

  She had drunk two bottles of wine to herself, finally passing out and today she had gone out of the house for the first time, hair unwashed and in three-day old clothes. She’d gone straight to the ATM, taken out £100 and stocked up on vodka, wine and mixers. The bottle of Jack Daniels on the shop shelf had triggered more memories than she could handle.

  Back at the flat, she’d stashed the bottles under her bed except for a bottle of vodka and some soda water. By the time Kate had got home from work, Lillie was already hammered, relentless in her pursuit of more internet gossip to torment herself with.

  Kate had turned the computer off, stood back as Lillie screamed and ranted and then hugged her as Lillie cried herself to sleep. Lillie had woken up to hear Kate on the phone to someone.

  She had crept across the room and picked up the second phone, holding her breath and covering the mouthpiece as she listened. It was Johnny.

  ‘Believe me, Kate, I have tried. Last time I tried to talk to him about it, he accused me again of setting the whole thing up so I could have Lillie for myself.’

  Lillie closed her eyes, horrified that she had come between Johnny and him.

  ‘What? That’s crazy!’ Kate exclaimed.

  Yeah, well, he didn’t think so and I’ve got a black eye to prove it.’ Kate gasped in shock. ‘Seriously, the boy’s getting quite a good punch. You know he broke Steve’s nose, right?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Lil didn’t tell you?’

  ‘She hasn’t really talked about it. I don’t know what to do with her.’

  ‘Just be there for her. It’s all you can
do. One day, she’ll snap out of it.’

  ‘When? I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. She’s drinking a lot. I’m worried about her but I can’t not go to work.’

  Lillie felt a rush of guilt. She had been so wrapped up in her own drama, she hadn’t thought about the impact on other people.

  ‘Do you want me to call Tess? Get her to speak to her parents or something? You shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own, babe.’

  ‘You speak to Tess?’ Kate sounded surprised and Lillie frowned. She hadn’t known that either.

  ‘Yeah, you know, sometimes.’ Johnny at least had the grace to sound slightly embarrassed.

  ‘No. Tess has been round a few times and she calls Lillie but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. I haven’t spoken to Lil’s parents because I didn’t want to worry them but maybe it’s time. She’s lost loads of weight because she doesn’t eat and then there’s the drinking. Almost half a bottle of vodka today.’

  Lillie heard the break in Kate’s voice.

  ‘Oh God, Kate. Listen, do you want me to speak to Lil? Do you think it would help?’

  ‘I don’t know. Probably not to be honest. I think you’ll just remind her of Jed.’

  Lillie flinched at the sound of his name.

  ‘Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind. Listen, I gotta go but call me whenever you want, okay? I really mean that, Kate.’

  Lillie listened to them say their goodbyes before hanging up after Kate had. She tiptoed back to the sofa and lay back down, pretending to be asleep. She felt terrible that Kate was so worried about her.

  She resolved to try and make more of an effort. She had to pull herself together and try to forget about him. She needed to get out of the apartment and start doing something with herself. If not for her own sanity, then for Kate’s.

  CHAPTER THIRTY THREE